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I like to pretend that I have a decent feel for what is going on with America’s Next Top Model, but every now and then an episode comes around that really makes me wonder what in the hell is going on. These models may not make it to the cover of Victoria’s Secret, and it is more than likely that we’ll never see them again, but that doesn’t mean you don’t develop favorites. This week’s lessons were all about acting, and although the winner of one of the challenges would get a guest role on Veronica Mars, everybody was worried that a poor performance in the photo shoot would mean that they would take their own curtain call.As usual, there were plenty of girls who were worried about their performances. You know, they are going to have to “step it up”, yada, yada, yada. Brooke happens to be one of those girls, and again, I don’t understand why she is still here. In Cycle Three, Anne was the girl with all the potential who couldn’t take a good photograph but the judges kept around anyway. Then again, Anne didn’t have Ben Affleck’s chin and she at least had some sort of personality. Lack of personality was also a big problem for Mollie Sue, who assured us that most of her friends thinks she is as wacky and carefree. I like Mollie Sue, and we can always argue that we don’t see her personality because of some nefarious editing, but she looks about has wacky and carefree as a person who just finished chemotherapy.
Nnenna had her own problems, but they had nothing to do with her pictures. She is gorgeous, and although she has dropped into the bottom three a couple of times, and still has her own issues with lack of personality, I don’t think she has to worry that much about elimination soon. Her problem is that her boyfriend is still giving her problems. Apparently, Nnenna talks with him for hours, and I have no clue why he thinks that being so needy is going to win his girlfriend back. My only guess is that he doesn’t want Nnenna to win. That may be cynical of me, but let’s be honest about it. If Nnenna does well in this competition, she’s going to trade in Houston for New York or Los Angeles. And once that happens, I don’t think she is going to be dragging John around for much longer.
The next day, the girls met Tyra, who was there to give them some advice about what they were going to expect next, but it seemed like Tyra was not herself. She was a little fatigued and told the girls that she had been working hard and was just a little out of it. The girls all looked really worried, and some offered by offering some water, while another girl offered a pizza for some inexplicable reason. Perhaps Tyra has a rare disease like mozzarella deficiency that we didn’t know about that was causing her to act this way.
As Tyra got up to leave, she actually fell over and collapsed on the floor. Whoa, this looked serious, and several girls rushed over to see what they could do. Furonda was so worried; I thought she was about to start CPR. As it turns out, it was all an act. Tyra wanted to demonstrate that to be a great actress, you have to commit to your role, and Tyra was so committed that she poor Furonda was crying after she got back up. Nnenna also told us that she believed every moment of it, but said that was because she is really gullible, not that we don’t already know that. It’s quite obvious that Nnenna is gullible, and you only have to look at her boyfriend. You would have to be very gullible to believe that you have any sort of future with that whining idiot. I have to say, Tyra was pretty good, and the next time she’s in a movie I may actually catch it on DVD instead of waiting for it to show up two years later on TNT.
First stop on the ANTM acting crash course was Groundlings, and improv and sketch theater that has seen such great actors as Will Farrell, Lisa Kudrow, and Tyra herself. The girls got up on stage and went through a bunch of exercises that were supposed to get them to go crazy and hold nothing back. They were asked to run around on stage and display different emotions like terrified, anger, and washed up, uh, I mean Janice Dickinson. Why practice? Because in modeling, people were going to ask them to do some pretty interesting things and want them to commit. If I weren’t such a wholesome young man, I would perhaps speculate on what some of these interesting were.
One of the funniest exercises was then the girls broke up into groups and had to improv a story. The first story was called “one night stand”, and it went OK, but then came “The Princess and Her Doggie” where the girls decided that they should try to do it all using this fake English accent. Improv is funny because you can really get a picture of what people are thinking when they are put on the spot to come up with something quickly, like Mollie Sue who finished “One Night Stand” by saying “and she slathered butter all over Lamar”, presumably before she rolled him around in oregano and parmesan. Doesn’t anybody use whip cream anymore?
As Furonda was doing her Georgia-Cockney tale about the princess and the dog, Jade couldn’t stop laughing. Nobody was surprised that Jade was inconsiderate, and I wouldn’t even mention it except their instructor called her out saying that her laughing was a distraction that took away from the story and now it didn’t make sense. The instructor said that sometimes “It’s not all about you”, which must have been news to Jade because as we all know, she is the next best thing that hasn’t been discovered.
When the girls got back home, Nnenna went back to her own distraction. That’s right, we still have John on the phone. I think Nnenna has been nicer than she had to be, but she can only take so much. He calls her all the time, he complains all the time, and now he is crying on the phone! I know that it is OK to be in touch with your feelings, but considering the other things John brings to the table, this crying makes him a triple threat. No looks, no confidence, and now, no balls. Nnenna says that all of this acting is going to make her hate him when she gets back, and tells him to suck it up. Thank God! I love this girl, but this boyfriend problem is bringing down the whole show and I am not sure how much more of this the audience can take.
The next lesson in acting school had the girls visiting Nick Cannon, host of MTV’s Wild N’ Out. Think of it as a “Who’s Line Is It Anyway” for the attention deficit generation. The girls were going to compete in a few more challenges, and the funniest person would win a guest-starring role on Veronica Mars.
First up was a little bit of prop comedy. It wasn’t all that great, but Danielle did a good job using a slinky, putting it up to her mouth, and letting go like she was throwing up after a meal, because you know, she’s a model. I think it was under appreciated by the Wild N’ Out guys. If Danielle had done it last year with the Wild Boyz, it would have killed. It wouldn’t have stopped Lisa from pissing in a diaper, but it still would have been funny.
After the props came a little game called “Questions”. The game involved two people who would pretend to be two different objects, somehow related to each other, and they could only speak by asking a question. Sound difficult? I didn’t think so, but Jade really had a problem with this exercise. Her scenario was “job interview”, and she said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have the right qualifications.” Sort of ironic, don’t you think? Obviously, that wasn’t a question and Jade acted like the game was too confusing. Seriously, how could a person know that they were supposed to ask a question when they were playing a game called “Questions”? The title is so misleading; you can’t really fault her for throwing out a pejorative statement or prepositional phrase.
Knowing that the girls may be nervous, Nick Cannon gave Jade a second chance, and even told her that if she starts her off with something like who, what, when, where, why, or how, there’s a pretty good chance that sentence will end up becoming a question. Next scenario: “Rich Man/ Poor Man”. Jade said, “My dick is bigger than yours”. Once again, a very ironic statement that she came up with, but still not a question. Who knows, maybe Jade will do better with the next challenge which was the Wild Style battle. It was a hip-hop battle except you have to rhyme with punch lines and jokes.
Once again, I didn’t think that this was all that exciting, but it was funny to hear the girls try and rhyme. Joanie was actually pretty good saying:
“My name is Joanie, you know what I mean,
It’s mean and this white dude on this here black team.
I got a volleyball diva, a hot Latina, and two African queeeeeeens.”
Most of the rhymes were just like that, kind of goofy and all in good fun. Then came Jade. We all know how she works. If she doesn’t feel good about herself, she is going to try and take somebody else down:
“My name is Jade, the ace of spades”
Not bad. Not bad. She could come back with a lot of things like “When it comes to modeling, I’m the jack of all trades” or “I don’t have cancer, but my head looks shaved” or even “If you think you’ve heard bitchy, prepare to be amazed”. Instead, Jade says:
“Furonda dear, I know your skin is bumpy
but mine is flawless, and you look really lumpy”
Oh! That’s gotta hurt. It’s not hard to believe that Jade would try and put down another girl, but you really wouldn’t expect her to make fun of one of her best friends in the house would you? OK, maybe Furonda isn’t her friend, but she doesn’t leave the room as soon as Jade walks in, so that’s a start. Isn’t there anybody else that she could take down? Joanie made a good point, saying that nobody had thrown around insults, and they could have said they same thing like “Hey Jade, you look like an 85-year-old woman”, which isn’t as much an insult as a statement of fact.
Jade then went on to take down Sara:
“You’re blonde, you’re too tall for this industry,
You know what? I’m in this real shit, and you’re not.
Because, let me tell you, they are going to not blow up your fucking spot”
Meeeeoowwww! Luckily Sara was well prepared:
I think I’m going to puke in a bottle
if I hear one more thing about Jade, the undiscovered supermodel
Now that’s what I’m talking about! I have defended Jade when she is fierce because I think you have to be objective about their pictures, but she is just a huge bitch. What makes her unbearable is that she has no understanding why people don’t like her. After she couldn’t come up with a question during “Questions”, I knew she was dumb, but after Nick Cannon announced that Furonda was the winner of the competition, Jade showed a little more ignorance. Nick let Furonda know that not only would she be on Veronica Mars, but she would get a special bonus prize and she would get to pick a friend to share in the prize. Now, if you had just told somebody that their skin was bumpy and that they look lumpy, would you expect that person to then share their prize? You almost feel bad for how out of touch this girls is, because you know she may never change.
Furonda decided to share her bonus prize with Nnenna, which had them filming a public service announcement the next day. Doing this bit of public service means a lot for Furonda, who as you may remember, wanted to be a civil rights attorney. Nnenna was able to pull herself together after another argument with her boyfriend the night before. John told her that she ruined her last chance to be happy with him or some other bullshit. Now she’ll have to settle for being rich and famous and having friends who brush their teeth. But whatever, we have more important things to talk about.
All of the girls got to meet with Marvelyn, who I desperately want to make fun of, but had a good message to deliver so I’ll only say that Marvelyn sounds more like a floor tile than a first name. Marvelyn contracted HIV when she was only 19 and now she is a spokeswoman trying to raise awareness for the cause. I could tell you about it, or I could just show it to you. Are you sick of all the videos yet?
After the PSA, Furonda went off to do her spot on Veronica Mars. I have to say, she wasn’t half bad. Since I’m also going to recap Veronica Mars, you can read more about her acting performance when that recap pops up. I will say that she was taking everything very seriously, which put her in the right frame of mind for the photo shoot. Actually, the photo shoot wasn’t a photo shoot at all, but a commercial. With all of that improv under their belts, each girl had to do a 30 second Cover Girl commercial, but they would only be given the last two lines. Everything else would be up to them.
Normally, I wouldn’t care if they were shooting a commercial, but I have to admit, I was a little disappointed about this challenge because no actual photos were being taken. That meant that we wouldn’t have any photos from the whole episode. Personally, I could care less if a model could can act; I am a big fan of Tyra, after all, but Halloween Resurrection did nothing for me. I know that the improv thing is supposed to highlight a personality and acting helps show off versatility, but these girls aren’t exactly graduate level models here. They are sort of like getting their modeling GED. Jade’s been at the modeling Community College for like 8 years.
Each girl was limited to only two takes which made this challenge even more difficult.
I thought she looked gorgeous. Whenever I think of the word “statuesque”, Sarah really comes to mind. She was only OK in her commercial. Although this was improv, these scenes were going to be part of an advertisement, so having little conversations with the extras was not going to help sell anything. Sarah also did the whole thing with a drink in her hand, so you couldn’t tell if she was selling the foundation or the alcohol.
Jay was worried that Furonda would be a big mess, so I guess he didn’t realize that she won the improv challenge. As commercials go, hers was probably the best. She looked like she was part of the party, but didn’t forget to plug the product. She was a little over the top at the end with her “Easy, breezy, beautiful. Cover Girl.”, but I thought she looked good, even though she is still way too skinny.
Joanie was talking about loving Los Angeles and entertaining her friends. I guess you could have spun that into her being the host and it could have had something to do with her makeup, but like she said herself, she could have been talking about a cooking show and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference in her delivery. She has a nice wholesome look that is only enhanced because you know she was a stripper and is probably filthy when she needs to be.
Leslie had a pretty good improv, but she really rushed through her words. She’s still as gorgeous as ever.
I really love Mollie Sue, but I have to admit that we never see her personality. She looked more angry than excited delivering her pitch, and didn’t have a good improv. Considering all the problems other girls have with teeth, eyebrows, etc., I still think she has the best-looking face.
Danielle has a great personality and the camera loves her. She did OK with the improv, but kind of flubbed when it came to reading off of her cue cards. I didn’t really like the hair (those bangs?!) and the gap in her teeth (easily her worst feature) is quite evident.
She overcame the distraction of her homely boyfriend to put in a good performance. She of course looked beautiful and came up with some pretty good lines. I am not sure if she has things on her mind, but she hasn’t quite let it all hang out yet, and it turned out to be a predictably great but robotic performance just like always.
I don’t have much to say about Brooke, but at least she looked pretty good this time. Brooke was so nervous she started crying before her shoot. When she actually got around to completing it, her lines were so retarded that the director was laughing at her. All I could think about was why she was even here.
Finally, there was Jade. Remember what Jade said earlier to Sara? “I’m in this real shit, and you’re not.” Well, the only real shit was her performance. She said that she had personality, style, and class, although none of that was really on display. She didn’t even say one word during her first shoot and she was so awful during her second take that you weren’t thinking style and class as much as drag and queen.
When it came time for the judging, Tyra faked another fainting spell, which got confused Twiggy and Nigel for a moment, and apologized for scaring any of the girls when she did it before. Again, since there were no still pictures this week, I thought that panel was very average. We basically saw all of the girls do their commercials again, but with slightly different comments. It was funny to hear them make fun of Danielle’s accent and some of the other things, but we already saw the final versions of everything, so it ended up really boring.
When it came time to decide who was going home, Furonda once again impressed the judges, although they did have some reservations about her skinny, praying mantis body. The funniest part of it all, however, was that Tyra was giving her little impressions of the girls as she read each of their names, but there wasn’t that much suspense. Three girls had commercials that were much worse than anything else out there: Jade, Brooke, and Mollie Sue.
I was sure that it was going to be time for Brooke to go home, because she has been taking the worst pictures out of anybody there, but her name was called before the other two leaving Mollie Sue and Jade. I could not believe it came down to these two, because I thought Mollie Sue was safe, but they didn’t like the fact that she had no persona. Although they said that Jade was there because she played the blame game (when the judges gave her feedback, she said they didn’t use her best take, but the director said both of her takes were equally bad), but there are plenty of other reasons why she should be in the bottom two including her 85 year-old look and the fact that she doesn’t think the judges can teach her anything that she doesn’t already know.
Yes, it was the perfect time to get rid of Jade. She had a horrible photo shoot, gave the judges a horrible attitude, and everybody living in the model house would be thrilled to see her gone. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. For some reason, the judges decided that Mollie Sue’s personality was something that she wouldn’t be able to improve.
I personally thing that this elimination was a joke and there were other people that deserved to go way before Mollie Sue’s attitude would have brought her down. Can you honestly believe that Ms. Chin Implants Brooke is still around? Is there going to be a better time to get rid of Jade? I usually don’t complain about the judges and their decisions, but I’ll call bullshit on this one. This was purely for TV, and as punishment I’m not going to think about Tyra for at least the next 15 minutes.