Recap: Top Model: Bulls On Parade

There is no doubt that I still love America’s Next Top Model, but it is quite clear that the producers are a little too much in love with themselves. There has been a well-publicized writers strike on the show, but I really don’t think the writers are the problem, unless they were the ones charged with picking out the models and then eliminating them. The show practically writes itself as long as you start with a good group of girls at the beginning. And somewhere along the way, the judges started thinking that the audiences at home would think that the girls would be great models just because they were paid to tell us that.

If there was anything that could save the season with only threee episodes left, it seems like the judges realized in the last few eliminations that they need to throw out some of the gimmicks just in case somebody unfamiliar with the show turned it on one night and thought that it was actually an open audition for the sequel to House of a 1000 Corpses instead of Seventeen Magazine and Cover Girl. We could only hope that their most recent epiphany could save this season from becoming one big joke.Like I said last week, nobody was really surprised when Jaeda went home and about the only thing they could have done to make it more obvious was to start calling her Fredo. Although Caridee had an awful week, I am sure that she was looking forward to bouncing back and proving everybody wrong. However, if she was going to be sent home, she decided that she was going to make the most of her time in Spain.

The girls decided to call up their male model friends to accompany them to dinner, which gave them a chance to learn a few more things about Spanish guys. For example, many of you girls may be thinking that Spanish guys are so much more romantic and really above all of the cheesy crap you are used to from American guys. Well, you would be wrong. Growing up in Spain may give you an appreciation for long naps in the afternoon and a well-made paiea, but according to Amanda, it doesn’t give you an appreciation of better jokes and pick up lines. She does believe that Spanish guys smell better, which I agree, especially if you think, “smell better” and “suffocating you to death with cologne” are the same thing.

Whatever you say about the guys in Spain, it seemed like Caridee liked the bad jokes and the cologne because she and Victor were making out like two teenagers at a drive-in. This didn’t really surprise me a whole lot because I figured that if there were anyone who would randomly hook up with a dude in Spain, it would be Caridee. I am not trying to say that she is a slut or anything, but if any of the Spanish guys decided that they should make the effort to dribble in the lane a little bit and get to the basket, wouldn’t it make sense that they would be shooting for Caridee’s hoop? Michelle wondered what they could be talking about since they don’t speak the same language. Caridee may not know much Spanish, and Victor may not know much English, but they both seemed well versed at the language called “sucking face”, which is a universal translator for the young and horny.

To tell you the truth, I am kind of surprised that they didn’t make a bigger deal of this little incident throughout the rest of the episode. Caridee said that it’s not just a competition, but it’s about being in Spain and having fun. Normally, I would call this a very healthy attitude, but Caridee does have a boyfriend and while I obviously don’t know anything about the nature of their relationship, I found it kind of odd that the producers didn’t try to exploit it and show her crying about how much she loved her boyfriend and was upset at what she did, yada, yada. Then again, they did have a lot to get done during this episode, so what happens in Spain is going to stay in Spain, for now.

Tyra decided that she should sit down and visit with the girls once again, and I noticed that a few months into the season, they have finally stopped peeing themselves whenever Tyra steps in front of them. Or it could be jet lag. This latest visit had Tyra talking about the harsh realities of the modeling industry. Tyra brought up a very good point, saying that unlike other industries, it is really hard to improve your product in modeling. You can tone up your body a little bit and work on your walk and your poses, but if you don’t have the look for modeling, there is only so much you do to change your look.

According to Tyra, America’s Next Top Model is like a modeling coach that is trying to make these girls as strong as possible before they go out into the real world. This is a good theory in practice, but another harsh reality of the modeling industry is that a win on Top Model may be enough to get you a Cover Girl contract and signed at a modeling agency, but it doesn’t mean you’ll every be hired afterwards.

Anyway, Ms. Bankable was interested in hearing from the girls what the harshest things that they had heard in this competition. Amanda said that during one of the panels, she was told that she looks like she was walking in her mother’s heels. Wow. I really can’t believe that was the worst thing that she heard during this competition. I really hope that they ask Amanda this question again after she has had a chance to read about herself online a little bit. Tyra should be coaching these girls on the harsh realities of the Internet.

Caridee said that her worst comment was that she looked like she was drunk, which is kind of harsh, so to fix it, maybe she’ll learn from her mistake and simply do a few lines of coke before every shoot. Nobody will accuse her of being drunk again! Melrose’s most harsh comment is that she photographs a little old, and of all of the harsh comments the girls received, Melrose’s is the most difficult one to alter. I will say this in Melrose’s defense (even though I agree that she does photograph kind of old) – she received that comment in the first week of the competition, and instead of letting it affect her confidences, I think she has used those comments as motivation. It made her realize early on that she can’t afford to have a bad moment, and since then she has consistently be at the top.

Eugena’s said that she is pretty much immune to the harsh comments, maybe because harsh comments are the only types of comments she has been hearing for most of the competition. Instead, she said her greatest fear was that she would be a disappointment to Tyra. If I were Eugena, I don’t think I would be worried about disappointing Tyra. How could Tyra be disappointed in any of them? She’s the one making most of the money, after all.

Michelle finished off with what is perhaps the harshest comment of them all. It was directed towards her by Mr. Jay, and he said that he didn’t think that she should be in that competition. Yes, Jay has been a total bitch, but I think Michelle is just as confused as she is about how much she wants to do modeling as she is about whether she should date one of the Pussycat Dolls or Justin Timberlake. If nothing else, Jay is great at reading body language and I think it is quite apparent in Michelle’s body language that at times she simply doesn’t want to be there.

Tyra finished off this gabfest telling the girls that they should hold their head sup high, handle everything that comes their way, and to speak well, look great, and know the industry. This is all a perfect segue to the next part of the competition. It’s time for the go-sees! Go-see time is always one of the most fun for Top Model. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a go-see is sort of like a model audition. The girls go to different designers, who have them try out their clothes, walk, and answer questions in the effort to see if that particular model would work out well for them. The go-see episodes are always great because it always involves, models, maps, and a foreign country, which for me is the best combination of ingredients for a good time since I learned how to make a white Russian in college. Mmmm Kahlua.

Usually the go-see episode involves all of the girls going their separate ways, running around, getting lost, and making it back to their starting point way past the deadline. Last season there wasn’t one girl who made it back on time, and there usually aren’t more than one or two who make it back on time. This time, it was a little different because the twins are naturally used to doing things together, so they teamed up to go to all of their go-sees together. Eugena and Caridee decided to team up, but they were going to go to designers separately. That left us with Melrose to fend for herself. To tell you the truth, I don’t really think it bothered her that much because she really is the smartest of any of the girls remaining and really knows how to take care of herself. Teaming up with any of the other girls really would have slowed her down.

So, the girls had their list of designers, and we soon learned that Melrose really could take care of herself. I am not sure if she knows more Spanish than the other girls, but she didn’t seem to have any trouble picking out which designers she wanted to get to, and even more important, when she got to those designers, she seemed to impress most of them with her personality. To me, it seemed like she was faking it just a little bit, but that may simply be a little bias poking through. And if she ever makes it to supermodel status, she can let her cell phone throwing, won’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 attitude shine through. In terms of the actual challenge, Melrose made it to the most designers and was able to come back in time.

At first, Eugena and Caridee envisioned working together without following each other, but after one designer, they decided that it was just easier to see the same designers together. And their look and personalities are different enough that nobody was really going to confuse one for the other. Overall, Eugena had decent compliments, but like I say every week, she doesn’t really blow anybody away and she really needs to be a much larger presence in front of the camera and in person in order to win. She’s getting better, but I don’t think that there is enough time for her to get to a level where she could win.

We all know the deal with Caridee. Her personality won’t get in her way, but she is going to have to work a little harder at getting some of the basics of the industry. She was wearing a way too much makeup and had on way too much jewelry as well for her first go-see. A model is supposed to be a blank canvas, and it’s hard to be a blank canvas when it looks like your makeup was applied by Gauguin. Caridee learned from her mistake, and she was able to go on to the rest of her go-sees without too much trouble. Both she and Eugena made it back to the agency in with some time to spare.

That brings us to the twins. You would think that after spending so much time together growing up, Amanda and Michelle would function like a well-oiled machine when it comes to things like these. They are able to finish each other’s sentences, so how hard could it be for them to figure out how to walk around Barcelona? Much more difficult than I had ever imagined to tell you the truth. It took them an hour to reach their first destination, and it didn’t seem like they really impressed the designers. Other than saying that Michelle was better than her sister, they didn’t have much to say. I will say that Michelle obviously didn’t spend much time working on her walk, because it still looked like she was walking in her mother’s heels. They went to the fewest number of designers, not that it really mattered, because they also happened to be the only two who were late getting back to the agency.

Melrose ended up winning the challenge, being called the most friendly, but also being told she needs to work on her walk and practice a little bit in front of a mirror. For her win, she got to pick one contestant to share a meal with a personal chef, and she picked Caridee, which is no surprise because she sees Eugena as the main source of all the Melrose hate on the show, and she is probably correct. As rewards go, there have been others that were much better. That didn’t stop Eugena from being jealous though. She tried to say that the meal that Melrose and Caridee had smelled bad a she wouldn’t have liked it any way.

And that brings us to the most important part of the episode. The photo shoot. The girls received a Tyra-Mail that made a reference to a bull, and while the girls though mechanical bull, they were in for a big surprise. When they met Mr. Jay at the location for the shoot, it was a real bullfighting arena (and I am not a hippie or anything, but I really consider bullfighting one of the most inhumane sports on the face of the planet), and Mr. Jay was dressed in a real matador’s outfit. Ha! Matadors are already kind of flamboyant what with the pants and tights and the abundance of frills and the generally sparkly appearance, but Mr. Jay had on a getup that even Hugh Jackman wouldn’t wear if he were hosting the Tony Awards.

Does Phil have some competition?

The girls found out that they were going to be shooting with a bully, which was Nigel Barker, and an actual bull. At first, I thought that this was some joke, and the bull was trained to be calm or they were going to run it around and make it tired before the girls would shoot with it, but neither was the case. The bull was charging at them like it was Pamplona in July, and the most interesting thing about this real, live, charging bull was that the girls were more nervous about shooting with Nigel. Then again, how could you blame them? Nigel brings a lot of things to the table that they could learn from. He was a successful model, is an accomplished photographer, and he also happens to be one of the judges that critiques them each and every week.

Earlier, when Caridee was talking about her personality, she said that it can help her, but it could also hurt her because she has a tendency to put her foot in her mouth. The previews for this week made a pretty big deal about one of the models saying something very shocking. The title of the episode is “The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot in Her Mouth”. So, what happened? As the girls were standing with Nigel behind one of the barriers they put up so the bull won’t, you know, gouge out your entrails, Nigel held up a rod that they were going to be using for the shoot. The bull was to be in the background and the girls would hold the pole, which would then have a billowing cape attached just like the real Caridee jokingly said “Did you just remove that from you ass from the last panel?”

Oh snap! That’s fucking harsh, but also fucking genius. It easily goes on my top five favorite unrehearsed lines in all of Top Model. The problem is that Nigel deserves three times the respect for all of the work he has done in the industry and for this show, and Caridee threw all of that out. She really thought that she was just being herself and didn’t realize that it could be considered disrespectful, but it was so bad that Jay had to take the girls aside and give them a little mini-lecture about being respectful because it’s the last thing anybody needs to think about in such a dangerous and difficult situation.

So, how did the shoot go? Well, just in case you didn’t think it was very dangerous, they had an ambulance on site, just in case the bull got a little too frisky or one of the twins accidentally bumped into a salad and fainted from the possibility of the calories contained within. After so many photo shoots where I really struggled to figure out how they were supposed to relate to the modeling world as opposed to the television show, this week’s shoot was a welcome surprise. It was also nice to see the girls bounce back from what I consider some of the worst performances EVER last week.

First up was Eugena. It was easily her best picture by far. I am not sure what she did, but she pulled everything together and pulled off what I consider to be the best picture of the group this week. I think part of it can be attributed to what I also consider to the great hair and makeup, which was also the best of the bunch, she had a great pose, and although you can’t see it in this close up, she also had amazing body control. If she could pull this off every week, she could be the winner.

Next up was Amanda, and the bull actually charged for a moment. Then it saw her face and stopped. I keed! I keed! She had a really difficult time in this shoot. She just seems really scared to try different things. I think the picture was actually pretty good, and I loved the line of her neck. Her ear did kind of flare out like a satellite dish searching for reception, but maybe she can pin them back next time or something.

After Amanda was her sister Michelle. This was my least favorite photograph of the group, and I am not just saying that because she had my least favorite hair and makeup. Seriously, who thought of pasting paisley to her face? It looked like she had been shopping for pillows at Crate and Barrel when a car bomb went off, sending pieces of flaming hot embroidered lace around the store and she was at ground zero. There is that ear, of course, which looks so eerily similar to one of the moons of Mars I have decided to call it Phobos. And look at those bags under the eyes? I am not one to pick on the dead, but if Chris Penn’s ghost and Alec Baldwin were to have a love child, it still wouldn’t have bags under its eyes like the one in this picture. And even the upper eyelids have more skin folds than Dame Jude Dench after a hot shower. This might be the picture that sends one of the twins home.

Melrose was up next, and although I really liked the overall look of her picture, I don’t think it was very flattering for Melrose. Great neck and great eyes, but you can’t tell if she’s fighting a bull or pinching a loaf. The chin is a little more mannish than I would like as well, but it would take a horrible picture for the winner of the go-sees to be sent home, and this picture is not of that quality. I also think she just looks old in this picture and I know she was trying to avoid that.

Caridee was last, and I liked her overall lines, but you can tell that she was very distracted working with Nigel, but she only has herself to blame for that. Although I think Nigel has a huge ego, I don’t think that he would be anything but a professional on the set, so Caridee has to get over whatever it was she was doing and model. Jay said that she looks too much like a pin-up girl and I agree, but she her wardrobe wasn’t quite as elegant as any of the others.

We had one more test during panel, this one had the girls get up and tell who among the remaining contestants had the most potential and which person had the least. Melrose went first and she said that she had the most potential, which is fine, but I really hated her Miss America style delivery during the whole thing. She said that Eugena had the least potential, which is no surprise. I think that Melrose did want Eugena to take it personally, but if you were to go by pictures alone, Eugena does have the weakest portfolio out of everybody there. Eugena also said that she has the most potential, but instead said that Amanda had the least potential because she was always second-guessing herself.

Caridee came next and she also said that she was the best, and also decided to thrown Amanda under the bus, this time saying that she didn’t feel any passion. Amanda finally got to go, and you could tell by her reaction that she was really hurt by people saying that she has the least potential, but she actually said that Eugena had the most potential, even though she does use it, which I thought was very diplomatic of her. When she had words about Caridee, they were a little meander, saying that she was the worst because she’s a country girl and it was a look we have already seen.

Then came Michelle. Michelle said Caridee had the most potential because of her personality, but when it came to talking about the person with the least amount of potential, she mentioned herself, largely because she doesn’t know what she wants. I understand that she wanted to do this with her sister, and I think she was confused about many things in her personal life as well, but it sucks that she had to take the place of other girls who wanted this much more than she does.

After that, the only thing left were the evaluations and the eliminations. Eugena’s name was called first and I think the judges really liked what they saw in her, not only in her photo, but the way she talked about her experience on the show. Tyra said that she thought perhaps Eugena was hustling them, but I think Eugena was pretty sincere. She just needs to be more consistent, and I don’t know if she is going to be able to pull off a winning portfolio with only a few weeks left. Miss J, who rarely has anything worthwhile to say, said that Eugena looked like him in her picture. Uh, no. Maybe if Eugena dressed up like a man and then dressed up like a woman it would be close, but I don’t see the resemblance at all.

Melrose’s name was called next. Again, I give her a lot of shit about her attitude, but you have to appreciate the work she has done on film. She understands that modeling is a business and she has to be many things to succeed. Even if she doesn’t end up with a career in modeling, I wouldn’t be surprised to see her with her own fashion line or something someday. She really is that smart. She’s still a bitch sometimes, but a smart one, so it’s all good.

Third called was Caridee, which I thought was a huge surprise. She did take the time to read a statement apologizing to Nigel and I am going to give Nigel props for seeing that her comment did not come out because she was trying to make fun of him or disrespect him and deciding to forgive her, because it looked like a couple of other people on the panel weren’t going to be so generous. I also thought it was strange because they mentioned that she was too hoochie, but then again, Caridee has the best pure looks out of anybody left over, so I am going to write her a ticket into the final three.

That left us with Amanda and Michelle. Finally! One of the twins was going home! I cannot tell you how happy I was when I realized that this was actually happening. I even thought of going to Zales and buying myself a diamond ring in celebration. Then I realized that was probably a little too much, so I just grabbed a vitamin water. Relieving your thirst is almost as good as telling yourself you’d marry them all over again, but if you are actually married, I would still go to Zales.

I think we saw this moment coming for a long time. There is no reason to have the twins on if you weren’t going to put them against each other in a dramatic elimination at some point. I’m just happy that this didn’t take place for the final two. It was basically a choice between Amanda, who had all the desire to be a model, and Michelle, who had all the talent. To me, this is an easy choice. You take the person without the Penn/Baldwin bags under their eyes, right? Well, it wasn’t that easy. Tyra said that Michelle had the best portfolio oft he whole group and the judges really hated the way Amanda has been indecisive and can’t seem to get the upper and bottom halves of her body to work in tandem.

In the end, the judges decided that Michelle was the one who should go home, and I think it is the right choice. If there is anything that Top Model stands for, it is about modeling being more than just a pretty face. Of the two, Michelle was the pretty face, but Amanda had the passion. The judges speculated that Michelle might have sabotaged herself because she felt bad for her sister, and that might be true. Then again, if it is true, that is just more proof that Michelle’s heart just wasn’t in it.

I thought that this was the best episode in weeks. At this moment, I think that Melrose deserves to win, but I am not sure if they will hold that photographing old thing against her. I think that they have set up Caridee to be an underdog and win, however, so my money is that Caridee takes it home. Eugena just brought on too little, too late. As for Amanda, I am sure there is she’ll have a great career modeling for Hip and Pelvis quarterly.

What did you think of the episode? Did Michelle deserve to go home?