Did Somebody Say…. Makeover??

Don’t you love makeover time on America’s Next Top Model? For starters, it is truly interesting to see the type of vision that the judges had when they were picking the contestants. If a girl who is one of your favorites gets a good makeover, it means you’ll have an easier time cheering her on, and even if a girl you aren’t rooting for gets a great new look, at least you know you’ll be enjoying the show with a little less fug. Personally, I also enjoy watching the people complain about their new makeovers. Even if you get the worst makeover in the history of the world, your ability to rock out with what you have can really help you go far, as Jade proved last year. If any of these girls knew what it takes to succeed in the industry, why sign up for a reality show?Before I get into the heart of my recap, let me take a little time to talk about the new intro. As I mentioned last week, Tyra admitted that it was her own voice belting out the lyrics to the ANTM theme song. I don’t what to say about the actual quality of the song or anything, but if you’re anything like me, you have absolutely no problem hearing Tyra say “You wanna be on top?” over and over again. Week after week. Year after year. It’s almost as if she was right there on the couch next to me when I’m watching… ahhh… Oh where were we? Anybody else need a cold shower?

As far as first episode eliminations go, Chrisitan is probably among the top three, but let’s be honest, we are pretty much used to this shit by now, aren’t we? Melrose was very happy, as you would expect, but being so close to elimination put her in tears. I think that most of the girls were just happy that they didn’t have to face elimination, but Monique was not buying into this whole “tears” thing. She said that Melrose’s tears weren’t real and that overall Melrose was very fake. Melrose might not be one of my favorites, but I don’t think that she has come off as fake. Monique, on the other hand, is just piling up the bitchy stats. If ANTM was a football game, her helmet would have a bunch of those merit stickers, as long as they gave merit stickers for being a huge bitch.

Our first Tyra mail of the day informed the girls that Tyra needs two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice every morning to get her through the day. Looking at Tyra these days, I think she is washing that OJ down with some bacon, but overall, pretty good words to live by. The rest of the message informed the girls that they would be going somewhere for breakfast early in the morning. I am sure that there are many out there enlist the aid of an alarm clock to make sure they get up with enough time to look their best, and for the most part society has learned to live with the minor drawbacks of alarm clocks because we would rather not be late for work, dentist visits, or mystic tan appointments. Monique is not one of those people.

What the hell is Melrose looking at?

I will admit, there are things that suck about an alarm clock. Anybody who has had to share a wall with somebody who A) turns the volume on the alarm clock way up or B) likes to listen to that annoying buzzer for thirty minutes straight without hitting the snooze button knows the feeling of waking up before you were ready and then thinking how difficult it would be to fashion a device to wake said neighbor with a ball peen hammer. Monique was quite upset that some of the girls were using alarm clocks, but what is the big deal? You are going to the exact same place AND NEED TO LEAVE AT THE EXACT SAME. Besides, wasn’t she the one that said she needed to take over an hour in the shower? Would it not be a good idea to wake up before everybody else so you have enough time?

After taking the proper time to primp and whatnot, the girls made their way to the Oliver Cafe in Beverly Hills. This is usually one of the places where the producers drop an unexpected Tyra visit on us, unleashing the banshee screams of all the girls. Instead, we got a visit from the JV squad, namely Jay Manuel and Miss J. Jay seems to have a little more say in what’s going on, and as you know from my recap last week, I think some of the power has gone to his head. He tells them to draw on their life experiences to motivate their modeling, noting that the most difficult emotion to establish in a photo is vulnerability. If you can channel vulnerability, it will show in your photos. Nice words of advice and everything, but couldn’t they have dusted off some old model and had her say all this? NIki Taylor is up and walking, right? Why not ask her?

However, most of the talk was about their makeovers, or lack thereof. Miss J made the comment that the girls are always so excited about their makeovers, but there is always somebody crying by the end of the episode. Jaeda heard this and said she was ready, she even said that they could cut off all of her hair and she wouldn’t care. Actually she said they could shave her bald! Hmm, I wonder what the chances are that she gets a really short haircut and starts to cry?

I thought the next step would be the salon, but the girls made a trip back to their house instead. Conveniently, Tyra was waiting for them there, and even more conveniently, they put an entire salon where their living room used to be! I guess having a salon in your living room is useful when you are model, but couldn’t they have simply gone to an actual salon and used their living room for something better? Why not put in some artificial turf? That way you would never be more than a few moments away from a bitching game of indoor lawn bowling. Why lawn bowling? Because it’s much easier than explaining to your mother what happened to the hardwood floors in the living room after you and your sister tried a modified version of petanque.

Oh, and if you ever want to take a look at the internet circa 1996 (I mean, other than a myspace page), then take a look at the official page forLawn Bowling in America. Aren’t you happy that the American Lawn Bowls Association and the American Women’s Lawn Bowls Association have now merged? I think we can all sleep easier now knowing that the dream of gender equality is alive and well, and all it takes is some grass and a set of Bocce balls.

This edition of Top Model makeovers featured a little something extra. In order to give the girls a better idea of what they would look like after their makeovers, every one of Tyra’s makeover explanation was accompanied by an artists rendition of the finished style. The styles were: Merlrose – platinum blonde, Brooke – dark brown, Eugena – hair extensions, Megan – shorter hair and blonde, Anchal – shorter and with layers, Monique – basically the same, Caridee – less actress-y and a weave, AJ – Linda Evangelista 1992, Megg – longer with more frizz, Michelle – red head, Amanda – fire engine red.

And then there was Jaeda. They saved her for last, so you know it would be a big change, and she should be careful what she wishes for, because Tyra decided that Jaeda would look best with a Halle Berry hair cut. In other words, very short. I mentioned last week that Jaeda had a little Halle Berry in her, so they should clearly hire me for the show. Jaeda must not have been as ready for it all as she had bragged, because almost immediately she started crying. Part of it was the hair, but part if it had to be the fact that Tyra called Jaeda the most handsome model that they have, not something that you want to hear being, you know, a woman. Tyra went on to explain that those handsome features meant she had good bone structure, but I don’t think it helped.

Jaeda wasn’t the only one who had a lot of problems with her new look. Melrose complained, showing that diva attitude she promised to hide last week, and Jay told her that it would help her look younger and fresher. Since Melrose currently looks about as young a (dead) Gabor sister and as fresh as month-old chicken vindaloo leftovers. You can’t argue with the results though. Melrose looked at least five years younger, meaning that she would probably get carded again, at least when she was requesting the senior citizen’s discount.

You would think that Monique would be happy that the judges basically told her she looked so good, they didn’t want to fuck around with her, but she was upset she wouldn’t get to sit in a chair and bet doted on I guess. However, although her look was staying the same, they were going to re-weave her hair, and Monique didn’t like that! Why? Because nobody has seen her without her weave! She literally went upstairs to cry and Jay had to talk her back down.

AJ was a little upset that her hair was too light and that it was much softer than before when she was used to angles, but I thought it was good. The twins had complaints, but really, is that any surprise? I mean, Tyra called Amanda mousy, so you think that she would be happy with a new look. But no, they were offended because they wouldn’t be able to switch places and play tricks on people, like ANTM was their middle school social studies teacher.

While I still think he has been a huge diva bitch during this season, Jay did make a good point about the makeovers. They are really not asking them to do anything that would not be required of them at some point in their career. No model keeps the same look forever. And unless you are the owner of the magazine where your pictures are going and the agency that is out getting you gigs, some people are going to ask you to make changes, and you will have to live with them. It’s not like he brought a van full of Fantastic Sam’s stylists and told them to go to work. The stylist, Frederick Fakkai, is at the top of the game, and also is a dead ring for the love child of Jimmy Smits and Sylvester Stallone. The only person who had to go through actual pain was Anchal, because they were raising her hair line. Other than that, why should any of them complain?

Overall, the makeovers were only OK, as it didn’t really change my opinion on any of the girls other than Brooke, who went from blonde to dark brown, and suddenly I’m thinking “sultry” whenever I see her. I told a friend of mine that Megan was my favorites, and I think she had one of the best makeovers, as did her girlfriend (hey, sharing is caring!). Jaeda might have cried, but I think her style was striking, although maybe my love of Halle Berry clouds my judgment.

With the makeovers out of the way, the girls received their next Tyra Mail, which told them true queens are natural beauties who don’t need makeup, so don’t wear any makeup when they show up for their next challenge. The girls arrived to the location au natural and Jay gave them their instructions. They were going to put together their own looks and then meet a Cover Girl executive to sell that look. There was, of course, a twist. They would have only 30 seconds to grab what makeup they would need, where they would then pile in an elevator, go up to the next floor, where they would have thirty seconds for their wardrobe, then would go up another floor and have thirty seconds to get shoes and accessories. Jay would close the door at thirty seconds, and any girl who didn’t make it to the elevator was already eliminated.

It didn’t take long for the first elimination, as Megg didn’t make it back to the elevator in time. The girls quickly put their makeup on, and then stripped down to their skivvies in preparation for wardrobe. This would have been the perfect sequence to view on the Tivo in slow motion a thousand times in a row, but I was worried I would see one of the twins with something blurred out and I would have nightmares for weeks. Anyway, all of the girls made it back with their dresses, but at shoes and accessories, Monique didn’t hustle her butt back in time. All of the girls were happy she didn’t make it, because she is, you know, a huge bitch, but realized that she would probably give them hell back home even though she only had herself to blame.

Now, considering the makeup line the girls were trying to sell was the Queen Collection, it was nor surprise to see Queen Latifah trot out when they lined up to meet the Cover Girl executive. Queen Latifah, along with her stylist, critiqued all of the girls looks. After their makeup, most of the girls really didn’t look like they knew what they were doing. Besides, this was the Queen Collection, and since it is made for women of color, doesn’t that effectively eliminate half of the competition?

It’s not out of the realm of possibility that one of the whiteys could have won, but would Cover Girl then use her to sell a brand of makeup named after Queen Latifah? Queen Elizabeth? Maybe. Queen Latifah? I don’t think so. I mean, would you use a gay man to sell a tool belt? OK, bad example. Um, would you use a lesbian to sell carpets. OK, another bad example. OK, I got it. Would you buy a gun from a Democrat, or a Prius from a Republican? I think not! I do think that there was a point to this last paragraph, but I can’f figure out what it’s supposed to be. Oh yes, the challenge! Eugena was picked the winner, and she got to choose two friends to take part in a little mini Cover Girl shoot the next day. She chose Jaeda and Caridee, much to the chagrin of Al Sharpton, and everybody went home.

As anticipated, Monique was PISSED. And she decided that she had to talk to somebody about it, that somebody being her mother. It’s not really a big deal, but she didn’t get off the phone until three and a half hours later. It’s bad enough when nice people hog the phone, but when that person is a bitch, it is even worse. Melrose needed to call her landlord because she was worried that she would lose her deposit, and at the rate things were going, she wasn’t going to be on the show long enough to recoup that $1000 she was about to lose. Monique didn’t want to hear any of it, and it got to be so bad Anchal, of all people, forced herself in. Anchal seems like one of the more reserved people, but she couldn’t let this sort of injustice stand. Of course, it didn’t work, and Monique stayed on the phone another 90 minutes, but it was nice of her to try.

I would think that being picked on as a child would make you slightly sensitive to other people, or maybe even make you a better listener. Instead I guess Monique simply took all of those insults as turned them into mental scars. And by the way, I don’t want to take sides, but I am surprised Monique’s siblings stopped at Blacula. But perhaps “Have you ever met my sister Monique, She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She’s a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She’s a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. She’s a stupid bitch, Monique’s a bitch, And she’s such a dirty bitch” doesn’t quite roll of the tongue as easily, and “You’re a poopy pants” can apply to anyone really.

Anyway, expect more scenes like that because the girls started to wonder if they stopped responding to her, it would make life in the house miserable and she would want to leave. In the end, what she really wants is attention, so don’t give it to her, and she’ll go crazy. Even better, Monique said that if the girls disrespected her again, then she would have to bust out another scene like that. Oooh, this shoudl be fun to watch.

For this week’s photo shoot, the girls were told to wig out. That obviously meant something about crazy hair, right? But wait until you saw exactly how crazy. The theme was “Does the hair wear you, or do you wear the hair” and out came Mr. Little, Lisa B, and, I shit you not, Weaven Steven. WTF? Where’s Curlin’ Merlin the Permin’ German? And the Dreadlockin Justin, the Wonder from Down Under? OK, I just made those names up, but seriously, those folks were hair entertainers. I would try and explain what that means, but read this article which can actually teach you something and I won’t have to worry about researching hair entertaining and falling out of my chair and dying from laughter.

So, the girls got all of thses crazy dos, and the purpose was to see how well they could stand out with all of the distraction from the props. I thought the shoot was an interesting concept, but really, the hair was kind of distracting. Most girls had parts that would move, and I thought that while some had imagination, some just looked shitty and unprofessional. The judges liked several of the pictures, but overall I think this was one of the lames shoots ever. Why give them makeovers and then cover them up for the first shoot? Simply idiotic. Boo Tyra. Booooo!

Monique was first, and while she is a huge bitch, she does have a great face. Jay’s biggest complaint is that there is nothing behind the face. I know that behind the face is a bitch, but I know what he means when he says there is something missing. She did get a lot of praise from Jay for giving the photographer many more looks as compared to last week.

Anchal had some freaky cavewoman thing going on. Her hair entertainment was less the style on her head and more that her bikini was long blonde hair. Perhaps a little too Queen of the Amazons, or Glamazons, I guess, for me, but her picture was good. She is so beautiful that she is going to be able to coast on very basic poses for a long time.

Brooke got some sort of Miss USA thing. The only thing that could make it more American would be some roman candles, apple pie, and credit card debt. Brooke got credit for not being safe, which is about the only good thing you could say about her photo.

Next up was Michelle. I will say that the she probably had the best photo. Luckily, the way her hair billowed out made her ears look small in comparison. Anyway, this hair color works for her, and you can’t help but be drawn to her eyes in this picture.

Amanda had a little peacock do, which also hid her huge ears. Actually, it covered up a lot of her face, which was good. Still, those eyes pop out at you, and it’s clear the judges like their style.

Megan was outfitted witha couple of blonde, spinning buns. I still think she is one of the most attractive, but she does have to worry about the nostrils flaring every now and then. However, it looked like she was so distracted with thinking about bringing out some emotion, she couldn’t actually find an emotion and stick with it. Jay was giving her lots of instruction, which is never a good sign if you want your models to continue.

I think it was good that they hid Megg’s hair, because her new look makes me think her stylists had nothing to look at but videos of Eddie Vedder circa 1992. Her lips look kind of strange, and she is slightly distant, but a lot of girls had that problem. Once again, the eyes made the difference, and I thought hers looked good.

I like AJ, I don’t like this picture. This angle makes her nose look huge, and you can probably fit a couple of small cats through those nostrils. Last week her picture had some feeling in it, but I only felt like sleeping after seeing this.

Eugena is another pretty girl. I really loved her makeover, but she also has that blank face problem. None of the girls have shown “IT” but Eugena came across like a know it all to the photographer, which is never a good way to go through a shoot.

I never really noticed Caridee’s man-jaw before this picture, but I sure do notice it now. Still, I like how Caridee is not afraid to try out different looks in her poses, and at least she didn’t give the boring “point your head to the side, look to the camera” thing everybody else did.

Although I joke about her age, I think that Melrose had a good makeover. It was again hidden her. Like one of the judges said before, she was born about twenty years too late for her look. That being said, I still think she understands positioning better than the others; I just don’t think she has many weeks to prove that.

Last was Jaeda. She may have a handsome look, and short hair, but I will really never confuse her for a man, especially with artillery she’s packing upstairs. Imagine getting in a fight with those things; you’d be TKO in the first round. Jay got upset with her for not taking direction well, but I think her picture came out about middle of the pack.

The girls were meeting the judges soon, but that still meant there was plenty of time for Monique to do something crazy. In this case, she reached under her towel (she had just been in the pool), and then flung the wetness onto Melrose’s face. Melrose was calling it the grossest thing ever, but when you can be killed by a bag of spinach, I think there is worse. However, it was the strangest of episodes, and you really get the feeling that Monique is more than just a bitch; she’s unstable.

Meeting with the judges, all of the girls got some small critiques on their makeovers. Did I mention how much I thought this shoot was stupid and I wish we got to see more of their makeovers already? So, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that the girls the judges thought had the most dramatic makeovers were Melrose and Brooke, because they had the color changes. I think they also liked Jaeda, but you could tell the short hair was still bothering her, and Tyra basically told her if she doesn’t think she can rock it, then she should go home. Finally, I think they were really pleased with AJ, because the whole goth thing wasn’t working for them.

Considering they had the same haircut, I think the photographer loved Megan.

Perhaps the worst part about having a photo shoot that was so pedestrian and produced so many pedestrian pictures was that you really had no idea who was going home. There were really only four girls that were worth praise this week. Melrose’s name was called first and the judges applauded the way she was able to move her body. Tyra said that she had an ugly pose, which sounds bad, but Trya said she worked that bad pose and that is all that matters. On the other extreme we have Anchal, who really didn’t do much, didn’t show enough neck, but at this point her beauty just overpowers the others. I don’t know if she has “IT”, but if she’s in a room, she draws attention. If she translates that ability into her photographs, she’ll go far.

I have really noticed that Tyra’s has started to embrace the flawed and funky even more so this cycle than ever before. And you can’t talk flawed and funky without talking about Michelle and Amanda. Both of their makeovers did a lot of good because the only thing their hair was good for was perhaps Halloween wigs for people dressing up as the wicked witch of the west. Now, it’s palatable. They photograph well, but I think they are both pretty dull. They are not models, they are a gimmick, and I wish we didn’t have to sit through it. However, I have to be fair and give them props for their photos, which I would actually call the best of the bunch, even though Melrose was called first. Don’t get me wrong, their eyes are too close together and their ears are too big to win this thing, but their photographs are too strong to let them go now.

I don’t think there was a lot separating the next group of names called. AJ, Caridee, Brooke, Eugena, Megg, and Monique all had average pictures that weren’t that memorable. However, if I were Caridee and Eugena, I’d be a little more worried. Nigel said that Caridee looked like a drag queen, and the photographer said that Eugena was difficult on set and didn’t respond to the photographer’s feedback. As for Megg, I think that it’s great that she has enthusiasm, but enthusiasm can only get you so far.

If you’re trying to figure out in your head who I haven’t named, it was Jaeda and Megan. Some of you might not have cared, but these were my two favorites. Then again, neither of them did anything to prove to me this week that they deserve to win this competition. Both had short hair, and both basically had the same problem, which was bringing emotion to the camera. It was going to come down the old argument of who has the most potential. And the judges decided that Jaeda had the most potential, and I have to agree.

I don’t know what to say. Like I said, Megan was one of my favorites. I guess I would just tell Tyra to stop with her Rosemary’s Baby makeovers if she didn’t think any of them could go very far. I still have faith in Jaeda, and after the makeovers, I am going to put Brooke as my number two. If you forced me to pick a third, I would actually say Monique, but I don’t want to condone such bitch behavior, so I’ll say Anchal.

What did you think about this episode? Did Megan deserve to go home? What did you think of the makeovers? Who do you want to win the competition?