Even Greg Kinnear Loves Top Model!

I say this every year, and since I am a creature of habit, I will say it again. America’s Next Top Model doesn’t really get started until after the makeover episode. As the Tyra and the rest like to say, these girls are blank canvases, and so you can’t really judge their potential. The early rounds are devoted to weeding out the people that somehow slipped through the cracks and into the finals. It is also the time when the producers piss us off by getting rid of some of the unique and attractive girls in favor of drama queens and the judges pet favorites. And sometimes your favorites just fail to be fierce. This week’s episode was devoted to walking the runway, and as we saw from yesterday’s clipgasm, that is not always an easy task.I was really pissed off losing Megan last week, but it didn’t look like the other girls shared my outrage. Sure, they were all pissed off because Monique was really living up to her Blacula moniker by sucking the life out of everything she came in contact with. But when somebody gets on your nerves, you have to fight back. Or you could make a slide on your stairs, using mattresses, which is what the girls of the house decided to do. It didn’t look like it was all that crazy to me, but the girls were screaming like they had just spent the day at Magic Mountain, a couple hours between the sheets with EdHill, or a few minutes with me listening as I talk about why they should release a new version of Chrono Trigger for the PS3.

Wheee!!!

Jaeda was also pissed off, but not because of Megan or Monique, but because of her new hair. Seriously, she threw down the gauntlet when she said that she didn’t care if she was shaved bald, so she should stop complaining about it now. She even said that her hair grew back quickly, so, uh, what are we complaining about again? It is not often that I would tell models to follow Jade’s example, but she did get an awful makeover last year. She hated it, but in the end she rocked on with what she had, and it got her all the way to the final three.

The only person who even mentioned that she missed Megan was AJ, but that was only because she thought that Monique and Eugenia were bitches. Monique is a huge bitch, but I don’t think Eugenia is all that bad. Sure she may have come into the semi-finals talking shit about the girls from cycle six, but I think she realizes that the competition is tougher than it looks and she doesn’t appear to have a big attitude at the moment, although perhaps the producers just aren’t showing it. I think Eugenia has become a bitch by association because she is Monique’s only friend in the house, which probably should warrant giving her a medal. And don’t forget, Monique was the one who dumped water on Eugenia’s bed when they first moved in! How do you let that happen? Who decides to become friends with the people that just attacked you? Did we learn nothing from the treaty of Versailles?

Random Jaeda cleavage shot of the week

The first Tyra Mail of the episode told the models to watch their step because their butts are on the line. When they arrived at their challenge that night, Miss J was ready to give them their lesson. To me, Miss J is OK. The problem with the judging panel these days is that it has become Tyra plus three boring people. I think Nigel knows his stuff, but Twiggy is there for name recognition only, not because of her personality. Miss J is outrageous and fabulous and likes to dress up, but her delivery is dry. I am not sure what Tyra owes to Miss J, but it has to be a lot because she is totally over her head at panel. That being said, I am kind of happy that panel sucks because I am tired of writing by the time I get to the end of these recaps and that would only make things harder.

Since the girls were learning how to walk, the producers decided to ramp up the difficulty a little bit. Given two legs, an average sense of balance, and no more than one drink every hour or so, most people can walk in a straight line. Then again, models aren’t most people, so we have to ramp up the difficulty a little bit. Therefore, the contestants were going to have to walk a tight rope back and forth while trying to look like a model the whole time.

Almost immediately, Caridee protested, saying that she wasn’t going to get up there. And hey, if somebody told you that you were going to have to walk a tight rope, I am sure you would have second thoughts as well. Then again, this tight rope was about five feet off the ground, and the girls would be wearing harnesses, so it’s not like anybody was going to die or anything. And now that I said that, I am sure that somebody will come out with some statistic that says accidental tight rope falls are the leading cause of death among models ages 18-25 or something. But whatever, I thought this challenge was kind of weak, and certainly didn’t make me forget Big Top Pee-Wee.

Surprisingly, the twins had a bit of difficulty with this challenge. I say surprisingly because I would think that those huge of ears of theirs would aid in their balance, but it really only aids in reminding people that they are alien freaks of nature despite what their admittedly great photographs may say. Nobody was named an official winner, but Monique and Melrose looked the best while doing it.

Speaking of Monique and Melrose, their feud is still brewing. This week, things got started when Melrose wouldn’t get off the phone and Monique complained. At this point, it is clear that Monique is just trying to pick a fight. She said that she called the phone first, but why would anybody in the house let her use the phone when they know it might be another three hours before it is free again? I am sure they would be fine with Monique using the phone if she would get off every now and then if somebody had an important call, but that is not the case.

It seems like only so long ago, she wanted us to take pity on her for being picked on as a child, but how can Monique try and take the moral high ground when she tries to pull the same shit as everybody else. Melrose doesn’t want to get forced off the phone, so Monique stands in the doorway until Melrose physically pushes her out of the way. Monique proceeds to stalk the phone room until Melrose is done. Once Melrose makes her exit, Monique bumps into her on purpose as she is about to go and call her mom.

Normally, that would be enough drama for an episode of Top Model, but no, things only got worse from there. Monique, who clearly spends way too much time thinking of Melrose, decides that she is going to mess with Melrose while she is sleeping. OK, there are a number of ways to go about this. You have the hand in warm water and the shaving cream in the hand, but Monique had her eyes on something a little bit more malicious. Cue ominous music, and a shot of Monique taking off her bikini bottoms. Uh. What?

What was Monique doing with her bikini bottoms? Remember in the first episode we learned that Monique likes messing with people’s beds, so she tries that tactic again. I think you can see where this is going from here. Instead of pouring water on Melrose’s bed, Monique went up and wiped her bikini bottoms on Melrose’s blanket. She might have actually gotten away with it, but as soon as the camera lights came on, Melrose was awake.

To be honest, I don’t really understand what the problem was with what Monique did. Perhaps she had skid marks or something, but I am pretty sure she just came out of the hot tub, so you think her bottoms would be pretty clean. I mean, the thought was gross, but the only thing this did was prove that Monique was an idiot. She was even bragging about what she did! I am not sure why she would be so proud. Unless she has a yeast infection or herpes or something, what Monique did was harmless. But really, who is proud of a practical joke that only showcases how dirty their vagina is?

The sad part of this all is that I think Monique realized what she did was very stupid, but instead of admitting to any guilt, decided that she would try and brush it off. By this time, Melrose is kind of used to it all and states the obvious, saying that Monique is only doing it because she is starved for attention.

Wow, all of that and we are only fifteen minutes into the episode! Our models next departed to some undisclosed location for yet another runway lesson with Miss J. I thought we were going to get something that was even crazier than the first runway lesson, perhaps walking on some hot coals with a pair of Vivienne Westwoods ore something, but I think it actually got a little easier. The most difficult thing about it for me was having to see Miss J. in that short dress she was wearing. She was also wearing this strange masquerade ball mask, which was probably a left over from the movie “Eyes Stapled Shut”. I’m sorry if I’m not progressive enough, but I really get turned off when I peek under a skirt, and the only thing greeting me is some kibbles and bits. Naturally, the question is “What are you doing peeking up skirts J-Unit?” and the answer, of course, is “Uhh, let’s change the subject, did I say that out loud?”.

Anyway, you get the point. Luckily I anticipated what was going to happen and averted my eyes so I wouldn’t have to lose my dinner, and the challenge (I use that term lightly) was to walk on uneven pavement in high heels. To help in this demonstration, Miss J. brought out Bre from Cycle 5, sporting some brand new red locks. The girls had five minutes to get their dresses, shoes, and masks and then they would try to act poised and confident while they walked over uneven pavement towards Miss J and then back again. I’m not saying that I could have done this challenge, but after teasing us with the tight rope, I thought it was a little bit of a let down.

AJ ended up winning the challenge, and for her win, she was going to get a chance to appear in Dennis Quaid’s weekend fashion show benefiting charities in Austin, TX, which meant that AJ and two girls of her choice would get a chance to leave Los Angeles for the weekend. When Brooke heard “Austin” she almost fainted because she is from Austin and she wanted to go home so badly, but AJ took Megg and Caridee instead.

I thought it was kind of a dick move for AJ to gloss over Brooke. By the way, can you call it a “dick move” if you are talking about something that a girl did? Is there a corresponding feminine move that means that same thing but is not so laden with gender specific terminology, or is at least gender specific towards women? I could say, “that was really a vagina move”, but would anybody understand what I was saying? Back to the point, I guess AJ wasn’t forced to take Brooke with her, but taking Megg is just a slap in the face. After the twins, Megg is my least favorite. I just think she is fake and just because she listens to her dads Aerosmith albums doesn’t make her ROCK AND ROLL.

When the winners arrived in Austin, they were met by a number of past contestants of ANTM including Rebecca from Cycle 4. She was “Drop Dead Gorgeous”, and if you don’t get that joke, take a look at this video:

Click on Nolé, to see the SHOCKING video

Other old timers included Coryn from Cycle 5, April from Cycle 2 (before my love of the show kicked in), Shannon from Cycle 1, Mercedes from Cycle 2, Brittany “watch out for Burton” Brower from Cycle 4, and Camille from Cycle 2. You probably haven’t heard of many of these girls because most of the them haven’t done much past ANTM and if they did, I probably never updated you anyway.

Overall, it was a pretty good trip. The new girls got some tips from the old girls, they raised some money for charity, everybody got to meet Dennis Quaid, and they got to walk the runway in the presence of Greg Kinnear. What more could a model ask for?

Greg Kinnear and…. Otis Thorpe?

Back in California, Monique was suddenly feeling really ill. I’m not a doctor, but I think she was suffering the early effects of KARMA. I mean seriously, she made so many other people miserable, how can you not laugh when she starts to feel miserable herself? Even when she went to the hospital, my thoughts were not “I hope she feels better”, but “How funny would it be if she had to use a colostomy bag for the rest of the competition?” In the end, the doctors said she was dehydrated, but she was going to have a big decision to make. The girls were supposed to take their pictures the next day, and if she didn’t take a photo, what would the judges have to, uh, judge her on?

The girls from LA met the girls from Austin at the location of the photo shoot. They learned that they would be wearing deigns by Altuna, and right away I knew something was strange because he said that the girls had to be very careful because a lot of the dresses were very delicate and could rip with any sudden movements. I’ve seen some pretty elaborate runways on top model before, but what exactly were they planning on doing that might rip a dress?

I soon got my answer as Jay pulled out one of the most interesting runways yet. It was literally floating in the water, and it wasn’t a platform like the finale of Cycle 4 with Naima and Kahlen. No, this was FLOATING. Are you kidding me? This should be VERY interesting indeed. Here are this week’s pictures.

People are going to start thinking I am biased in the way I talk about Jaeda, and you should know that you would be completely correct. Seriously people, check that body! Check that jaw structure! Unfortunately, she still needs to cross over from being the pretty girl to being a model, and that did not happen in this time around. I still think she is too striking to take away for at least a couple of more rounds, but she is going to have to bring some more personality or she has no chance of winning. However, if she ever gets it, just stand back.

Next up was Michelle, and once again, I have to say that this is a good picture. Right now, I think the twins say more with their eyes than any of the other girls in this competition, and that can really go a long way.

The twins are always together, so following Michelle is Amanda. Once again, you notice the eyes, and I get the overall feeling that these girls just seem to be able to fit into any look. I don’t think anybody would even bother buying them a drink at a bar, but you really can’t deny the portfolio these twins are starting to build. Amanda also did a great job not pausing on the runway.

I am still trying to figure out what the judges see in Megg. I think all of her photos have been in the bottom third and I believe the judges have somehow bought into all of the ROCK AND ROLL!! talk that she does. I think she’s been able to do well because it doesn’t look like she is thinking too much about what’s going on, which makes her look natural. This time, she was so worried about her footing that she didn’t get that same kind of feeling in this shot. Eventually, the judges will snap out of their chance and kick her home though.

Caridee had a strange picture because one of her eyes was closed. I know she was probably just winking at the end, but I wonder why they picked this picture to show. Tyra likes her because she is adventurous with her poses, but the way she exaggerates everything, she’ll probably be more suited to advertising as opposed to runways or editorials. Then again, that never stopped Tyra. I think Caridee sticks around for a while. Caridee might have had the most exciting runway as her boob popped out early and she did nothing about it. Somebody said it was so Paris Hilton, but it looked a lot more like Tara Reid to me. Later she just said that she was just trying to get back dry.

Monique’s picture may look a little strange. Well, that’s because she didn’t take her picture. She thought she was too sick to continue, so she took the car back home. In retrospect, it could have been a good idea, because I don’t know if she would have been strong enough to keep her balance, but she should have at least tried, don’t you think? I showed you the clip of Rebecca having a seizure, and we all remember Danielle going to the hospital but coming back stronger than ever. If modeling is what you want to do more than anything else, and she has told her mom that was the case, then she should be willing to do whatever it takes to get a picture, even if it meant falling into the pool ten times to do it.

I am beginning to feel sorry for bashing Melrose so much early in the season. Right now this girl is FIERCE. Her eyes are just very intense in this picture, although her right eye might have crossed into “crazy” territory a little bit. You can just see that there is a lot of power in her face and that she wants to own the photograph. I still think she looks a little creaky in person, but her pictures are carrying her well.

Brooke is absolutely adorable in person, but she brought out a little something else today. Maybe it was just the look of concentration on her face, but I really like this picture. She is really getting better as she goes along and she is just so great in person that I think she will go far.

Everything seems to be going great for AJ these days, and this picture is no exception. I don’t know why, but it might be my favorite. The neck and the shoulder look great, and she also has great intensity in this shot. She seems to have personality, but the judges have yet to see it and may hold it against her. Still, she was so great on that runway, and even thought it was difficult for others to stand up straight, I think she had the best walk.

Anchal seems to know how to take great photographs, but I still think she is coasting on her beauty a little bit. It was hard in this shoot because everybody was worried about falling in, but I think the judges love her and she sticks around. But again, she needs to start doing sit-ups.

Finally we have Eugena. She said that she was trying to give more energy and once again, it’s tough to think about your pose when you are worried about falling in. That being said, Eugena was the only person to actually fall into the water. Her face is great to look at, but it just says nothing to you when you are looking at it.

Now, perhaps the funniest part of the night was watching the girls as they were going on their final runway walks. This required multiple girls to be on the runway at the same time. I am not sure how this would have been with professional models, but this show must have sucked to watch, at least if you were interested in clothes. All of those hotties on screen and the only thing I can think about is how many of them are going to fall in.

When the girls met the judges, they had one more challenge for them to perform. Do your signature walk, but with a bowl of fruit on your head. I don’t like to play into stereotypes, so I won’t say that all of the black girls did a pretty good job with this task. I also thought Anchal would do well, because It seemed like something Indian women would do as well, but I guess I am wrong. Actually, AJ and Melrose did a pretty good job, but the rest were absolute disasters. My favorite was Brooke. While the others kept on trying to place the fruit back on their heads, she simply let it fall off, sauntered down the runway and said, “You make it work!” Ahhh, they’re so nice before the heroin and the cocaine get to them, don’t you think?

As the judges made their eliminations, AJ’s name was called first. She won the challenge and took a great picture, so I sort of have to agree. The next name to be called was Jaeda. The judges loved the way she posed, but felt like she wasn’t really selling the design with her body. The judges almost peed themselves talking about how great Brooke’s picture was. They loved the way the wind was in her hair, and said that a lot of models would kill to be able to do that. I am sure Brooke was happy, but she didn’t seem like she actually knew how she did it even though the judges loved her for pulling it off.

I was surprised it took the judges so long to call the twins names, because I thought they were so good, but the judges called Anchal, even though they criticized her for not trying hard enough with the fruit bowl, and even though they thought her face looked kind of weak in her photograph, and then called Michelle. I can tell if the judges are warming up to Melrose, who they called next, but you can tell they seem to love Megg. The next two were Amanda, and then Caridee, who thanked Tyra for believing in her. It was funny, because Tyra suddenly had a flash back to last season when Jade would say the same thing after every near-elimination.

That leaves us with Eugena and Monique, and I don’t think anybody should be surprised with either. The judges are still giving Eugena hell for her attitude the first week, and Monique obviously didn’t even try and take a picture, so the judges questioned her desire a little bit, and even wondered if her sickness was caused by all the stress of being there. Although they said that they were basing this decision purely on potential I almost wonder if they took some consideration into what was going on in the house because they chose to eliminate Monique. I think Eugena is better looking, but Monique has shown more promise as a model. Then again, there wasn’t that much of a difference between the two, and I sure as hell am not going to complain that Monique is gone, and neither will Melrose, who could barely contain her celebration when she found out Monique was leaving.

If there is any bad thing about Monique’s departure is that we are going to be left wondering who will be causing all the drama. But I wouldn’t worry too much. These are girls, after all, and cattiness will eventually creep in until the next girl goes crazy as well.

What did you think of this episode? Did Monique deserve to go home?