Can Top Models Do Celebrity Duets? Draw Your Own Conclusions.

As many of you saw last night, B-side and I made a special cameo appearance on America’s Next Top Model. Well, it wasn’t so much of a cameo as it was us crashing a party, and I can assure you that all of the gory details will be contained within the recap. In the meantime, I think our models are starting to differentiate themselves a little bit. Unfortunately for me, I think that the most attractive of the remaining girls are the ones with the least amount of modeling talent (Brooke, Jaeda, Anchal), and the girls with the most modeling (Amanda, Michelle) talent are the least attractive, at least to me. Eugena is somewhere in the middle (definitely more looks than talent), and AJ is close to having both. If there is one person that has been able to pull together looks and talent, I would say that it is Melrose, but there is something about her attitude that is starting to rub me the wrong way. However, I am going to try and keep the hate to a minimum as long as these girls keep it fierce, and the models got a chance to keep it fierce in what was one of the more interesting Top Model photo shoots of all time.My personal favorite in the competition, Jaeda, has been stuck in the bottom two for the last two weeks. I guess you could say that this says a lot about my taste in women, my ability to judge modeling talent, or my skill at predicting a winner. I guess I should take solace in the fact that at least she was able to beat out Megg. Poor Jaeda is just really lost right now. She is going to have to step up her performances or hope that somebody ahead of her completely screws up, because she is just not bringing a lot to the table.

While Jaeda might be questioning her whole motivation for even being on the show, Melrose is as confident as ever. She’s does well in the competitions, her pictures look fierce, the judges really love her, her arch nemesis has been sent home, and the rest of her competition seems really intimidated by her presence. Seems like it’s all going according to plan, doesn’t it? Well, not quite. Melrose has all of this success, but it has come at the expense of all of her friends. Although she says she doesn’t mind being alone (and let’s be honest, before that makeover, she was probably used to spending lots of time alone), she is so hungry for attention that the other girls basically ignoring her accomplishments is going to get to her eventually.

Now that the house has lost a lot of the stronger personalities, we start to dig deeper into the lives of models. Is it just me, or has there been more focus on the models background now that Tyra has her own talk show? This week, we get to learn a little bit more about the twins. I know I have not really taken the time to even differentiate between the two, but you have to understand. I saw The Grudge, and when the The Grudge 2 comes out on DVD, I will watch it as long as Sarah Michelle Gellar is alive and kicking. There is no Sarah Michelle Gellar on American’s Next Top Model, so why am I forced to watch these Grudge impersonators? By not committing their names to memory, I was hoping to avoid having those same faces burned into my retina for years to come. These girls are so hideous; they should hand out those pinhole boxes that people use to watch an eclipse so nobody is blinded when they walk by. Or better yet, why not save us all some trouble and put the paper bags on their heads?

OK, that is a little harsh, but I have warmed up to the twins a little bit. Getting used to their faces will unfortunately me I will have to start stocking ipecac in my bathroom again, but such is the sacrifice for loving Top Model. This was a good week to start trying to give a shit about who was who because we learned from Eugena that the twins, were not, in fact, one person, but were two different people, which is good because I have enough split personalities each week watching Heroes. Michelle is the outgoing one, and Amanda has is a little more reserved. I guess we should have predicted that this “the twins are unique” episode was coming, but I couldn’t figure out why Amanda suddenly said it sucked being compared to her twin when she said at the beginning that they were used to being in competition with each other.

There was no contest which twin was more interesting this week. Michelle has really let herself open up, and she goes as far as saying that she never had a boyfriend and she doesn’t know if she’s straight. WHOA! Stop the press! Hold onto something and listen up! Michelle thinks that perhaps there just might possibly be a chance that maybe she could be gay. It’s not that I am trying to make light of what must have been a difficult realization for Michelle, but suddenly everybody stopped talking, Brooke literally gasped and covered her mouth, and the music changed from the normal slow suburban mall R&B to slow piano concerto parents apparently play when their daughters do Ellen Degeneres on them. And it’s not even a sure thing. She’s of college age, when kids are finding out who they really are. Haven’t you heard? Girls experiment all the time in college! Most guys would drop out after a semester if there weren’t lots of girls experimenting in their heads every night. Eugena said that Michelle might not have come out as gay, but is straddling the fence. Anybody want to take a guess at how many D batteries it takes to work “the fence”?

I’ll be your friend, but I’m NOT joining the softball league

After the big reveal, the girls go to learn some interviewing tips from Mark Steines of Entertainment Tonight. Interviews are not difficult. Ask a question, get an answer. Sound simple? Well, not quite. There weren’t a lot of very natural interviewers among this bunch. Brooke sounded like Ron Burgundy reading off of a broken TelePrompTer, and most of the girls couldn’t figure out that the mic needed to be near them when talking and near the other person when waiting for the question. Jaeda couldn’t come up with a question, and just kept saying “So, Mark…” without anything else afterwards. AJ literally got so nervous that she started breaking out in hives. Melrose did a pretty good job, but things got a little bit chippy. When her name was called, somebody said “Mel-Stank” under their breath, which is completely unnecessary but very funny nonetheless. Sort of like those three weeks in the year 2000 when everybody started yelling “TIMMY!” all the time. Man, those were simpler times.

Of all the girls, I Think I liked the way Caridee handled herself the best. She was completely natural, and when she asked Mark Steines who he was wearing, he didn’t wait for his answer, but just asked “Mary Kate and Ashley”, leading me to think that DualStar Entertainment now has a men’s product line, which might be convenient if you can’t find another jacket that can hold a month’s worth of cocaine and diet pills, but realized that she was just making a joke about his Dolce and Gabbana jacket. Don’t you just love that girl? (PS, I am only half-sure that she was actually joking.)

Were all of these newfound interviewing powers going to go to waste? Of course not! When the girls got home, another TyraMail warned them to beware of supermodel, she bites. The girls thought that maybe this was another invitation to dinner, and I am sure that Melrose was excited to see who she could brown nose learn from this time, but the biting supermodel was none other than…Janice Dickinson. The girls went to the Geoff Thomas Gallery in Santa Monica, where he was opening a new line of jewelry. Each of the girls was going to get their chance to work the red carpet and ask Janice questions.

I thought that I would play this a little coy, but honestly, I just have to get it over with. How did B-side and I find our ways into an episode of America’s Next Top Model? Well, we heard from a friend of a friend that they needed bodies to go to an art gallery in Santa Monica where they were filming for a reality show having to do with fashion. We couldn’t be sure that it was Top Model, but it was worth the risk so we decided to go.

First things first, the only reason why they had the red carpet was for the challenge and Janice Dickinson. The gallery was nice and no offense to Geoff Thomas, but his work is not going to need a red carpet for an introduction at this point. Hell, he could cut off his hear, become and alcoholic, die, and in thirty years it won’t be worth a red carpet, but whatever. After confirming that we were on the list, we waited outside until we started noticing a bunch of model-y type girls walking out. That’s when we knew we were probably at the right place, or at least we thought we were. We thought that many of these girls were too ugly to be on top model and maybe it was some second-rate show like the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency of something. Ooops!

We went inside where we got a chance to mingle. I was really svitzing all over the place. I think I was coming down with a cold, but I was also nervous that perhaps Tyra was on her way, and given the chance to meet her I would pass out. The drinks were free and the art was, uh, art. Some of the jewelry was nice, but it was kind of annoying pretending like I was there for any other reason than to try and be on TV. In the picture where B-side and I are talking below, we are trying to make fake conversation in hopes we look Hollywood-y enough to make it on camera. Either we have friends at Top Model, or all that practice we’ve had convincing people we are legit. I think that I was the only one who recognized the only NBA player in attendance (who didn’t make the cut, I might add) helped, as did those fake business cards.

So, I am sure that all of you are wondering if we met the models or if we spent any time talking to them. It sure would explain a lot about my infatuation with Jaeda, wouldn’t it? Well, since we are such geniuses, we knew that the girls were they for a challenge. Having huge egos, we thought that the challenge would be something along the lines of mingling with the crowd and selling the jewelry or something. Well, obviously we were wrong. Our dumbass selves waited around, and while we met a very nice young woman doing work with Project Nightlight, we didn’t actually talk to any of the models, not that we let that stop of us from making completely uninformed and small-minded opinions about them based on how they treated us. Didn’t they know who I am?

What were those opinions? Well, first of all, we noticed that stupid hat that AJ was wearing. I’ve held a grudge against AJ ever since, and I have tried to hide it, but really, what was she thinking? Of the other girls, I remember Melrose because her skirt was so short, and I remember Eugena (better looking in person) and Caridee (looked kind of skanky, but I still tried to steal glances just in case one of her boobs popped out). I think I may have eased my memory of the twins, however, not that I am complaining. The two people that stood out to me were Jaeda and Anchal. Anchal really has to be seen in person to be believed. Yes, she is gorgeous, and I know now that she is very shy, but we took that shyness to be cold and standoffish, so we called her a huge bitch. Jaeda looked really good, and when I saw her; I thought that she would be the favorite. She just had that look about her. Of course had I known that she couldn’t take a picture, I would have changed my opinion. Brooke stood out to me because she was short. I never really pegged her to be one of the models; instead I thought to myself “She looks familiar. Is she on some WB show that I should know about?” And yes, she’s super cute in person.

That was our night? How did the actual models do? Janice was very hard on them, and the girls did have to do the interview alone, but they did have help. Mr. Steines would talk to them through an earpiece giving them hints, but it really was more of the same from the earlier sessions. I thought Caridee would be good, but her carefree attitude got the best of her and, searching for some words, called Janice over-pungent, which might have been the first time Janice has ever heard that said about her, not counting the 100 or so jokes sg-dub has made about her vagina using the same exact descriptor. Anchal quickly let Janice get her way off topic and, and Eugena couldn’t come up with anything more relevant than “what makes you so energetic”. Hmm, you mean besides the coke and caffeine? I’m not really sure.

Janice arrives and a liquor store is nearby…how convenient.

Michelle was doing OK, but she called the designer Mark Thomas instead of Geoff Thomas, which I guess is better than calling him Rob Thomas, but it’s still bad. Amanda was smart enough to ask her about being America’s first supermodel, but then failed the test when Janice tried to ask her to define what a supermodel was. AJ was a complete disaster. Remember that stupid thing on her head? The hair coozie? Well, Janice wouldn’t even talk to her unless she took it off, which gave Janice the upper hand, which meant that interview was long gone. And I’m not sure if it was a joke, but Janice noticed AJ was breaking out into hives as well. Jaeda not only messed up with mike placement, but could barely get the words out of her mouth.

Who does that leave us with? Why Melissa Rose, of course! Melrose did do a great job. Janice tried to get wild, and Melrose took it in stride and was able to continue the interview. When it was time to evaluate the girls, Janice, still complaining about that stupid pink thing in AJ’s hair, (By the way, I never figured I would say “pink thing” so much in a item that doesn’t have anything to do with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) declared Melrose the winner. For the win, Melrose got to join ET for an event and work the red carpet. I thought this was a pretty great prize. Working on ET and possibly getting on camera is huge, but the girls continued with their Melrose hate, saying stuff like “I’m glad I didn’t win this competition”, and I know Melrose is annoying, but the way to beat her is to take a better photograph. That’s all they should be worried about.

We waited outside while Janice did her thing and was announcing the winners. As she walked out, her publicist was helping her walk to the limo because Janice had a little bit too much of the free champagne and not enough of the pate. Having not been able to talk to the models, I just had to shout out “WE LOVE YOU JANICE!” Janice stopped, turned around, sort of looked in my general direction as she was not actually able to focus on anything for more than a few seconds and said “I LOVE YOU MO’!” After lingering around a little longer and accidentally getting caught into this conversation with a sucky straight-edge guy that wouldn’t shut up about how awesome it was to be strait edge, we decided to go home.

And there ends our night with America’s Next Top Models…

But wait! There’s more!

Like I said, we were disappointed at not getting a chance to talk to any of the models, but as I went to get my car, I turned up the Radiohead and noticed a stretch escalade limousine driving by. I KNEW that it had to be full of Top Models, and I KNEW that I had to chase down that truck and get a picture, or else nobody would believe me.

Getting the picture was not as easy as it seemed. I followed them north on main and then east on Pico and didn’t wan to try and take a picture while driving, but B-side was in the passenger seat and we were trailing them in the lane to the right. We were about to get a good shot when they turned left and went north on 4th St. Unfortunately, I was still heading east on Pico and the next intersection said no U-Turn. I said “Fuck That!” and made the U-turn. I turned on fourth and in the distance I could see the limo. I would get close, but then would be thwarted by a red light, which of course meant that the limo would get a green light and get farther away.

Things got worse, and I thought I lost them. I continued traveling up Fourth St., but figured my night of stalking was over. However, as I was crossing over Wilshire, I glanced to the right and saw in the distance a stretch Escalade limo! There was not enough room to flip a bitch, and considering Wilshire is one of the busiest streets in LA, decided not to try. I continued on fourth, but there was a line of like three cars waiting to turn right into this building. I pulled into the lane, and driving on the wrong side of the street, I noticed that there was a police cruiser there. I acted cool, and I guess the Santa Monica couldn’t see that I was black through the tinted windows, or perhaps seeing B-side in the passenger seat they figured I didn’t just rob a store and decided not to pull me over and mace me.

I turned right, made my way back onto Wilshire and finally caught up with the limo. Unfortunately, B-side hadn’t become quite accustomed to my camera and the only shots we got were of my dashboard. We continued to follow, but when the limo turned North on Bundy, we decided that we were more hungry than eager to do any more stalking. And having already had two close calls with my flaunting of the traffic rules, figured that should be the end of our journey.

Phew! I am not sure if that was at all exciting, but I was fucking pumped. And I conveniently created a Wayfaring Map in case you want to follow along in completely un-thrilling, 2-D, drag with your mouse action!

With that out of the way, I promise you that we were not in any other episodes this year, so if you tire easily of my gloating, things will be back to normal next week. The girls woke up the next morning with Tyra, which is even better than breakfast in bed. It was time for another round of one on one interviews. Tyra had on a top that I can only imagine was some castoff from the set of Cleopatra back when Liz Taylor was doing her thing, like six or seven husbands ago. That being said, the jubblies were in full force, so I am not complaining.

AJ’s interview was first. Did you know that she was an artist? She even drew a picture of Tyra and put it up on the fridge. Tyra complimented her for not making her look like an alien, which I guess is a problem for other artists. AJ, who was the only person really upset after Megg’s elimination, said that she can’t relate to a lot of the girls, and that Melrose pisses her off. We then cut to Melrose, who says that she’s nervous, but doesn’t say much more. Now that Tyra’s psychologist went all Dr. Phil on her, she has been practicing her psychobabble, much to the chagrin of cruise fans everywhere. She asks Melrose to close her eyes and remove all of her armor and protection. I think she was trying to get Melrose to cry and admit to being scared about being vulnerable, but it wasn’t working.

Eugena talked about her pictures, and cried, which was expected. And then came Caridee. Caridee said that she had psoriasis on over 70% of her body, which sort of destroys my whole “Caridee was a stripper” theory. I know people think fly over country is strange, but I have yet to see them hire a stripper with psoriasis. I felt bad, but knowing that Caridee was almost cured made me feel a lot better. She then started crying because she could never go outside and wear shorts, which is probably one of the reasons why she loves rocking the ultra-minis and such.

Michelle came next, and she didn’t talk much about what she revealed to the rest of the girls, but it’s been refreshing for her to be in the house because she has opened up a lot more. She’s actually more worried about Amanda, who was usually the more outgoing one, but has not been herself lately. Amanda is actually the one that we should be worried about. She says that she doesn’t want everyone to know everything about her, and after telling Tyra that Michelle “kind of” came out, started crying, not because she doesn’t want her sister to be gay, but because she doesn’t know if America had the right to know. Tyra said that it was OK to cry and to remember that her sister needed her more than ever.

After Tyra left, we got to the moment of truth. Michelle’s whole bisexual thing was a bit of a surprise or, as Amanda said “that came out randomly”. They decided that they were going to get on the phone and tell their mom. Michelle told her mom that she announced that she didn’t “know if I am straight or not”, and her mom was silent for a moment, and then finally said “Are you OK”. I don’t think it was the reaction that Michelle wanted at first, but after giving the phone to her sister (and, btw, their mom can’t even tell them apart by their voices) got back on the phone with her mom, who said what any person wants to hear when faced with the same situation “We love you no matter what.”

Awww. That was so sweet, although I do have to say that I think it was kind of a random “Happy Mother’s Day” that we got on the end, which probably explains why her mom was so silent at first. I’m not sure how these things go, but usually when you surprise your parents, don’t you butter them up a little bit? When you were in college, did you ever say “I need $100″ before you said “I love you mom and did. I miss you so much. Yes, I’m eating well. No, I’m not drinking too much. Yes, I’m studying. No, I don’t need you to drop in on homecoming weekend”? I think not. And yes, this message was more important, but really, give your parents some time to adjust, before you start throwing the “Hey mom, I like to munch box now” kind of stuff at them.

What do I want for my birthday? Natalie Merchant tickets of course!

Melrose did a good job at ET, but since the recap is going much longer than I expected, just take my word for it. She was naturally, looked good, and didn’t need too much help. Good job Melrose!

I mentioned that the photo shoot was one of the best we have seen from Top Model. The girls met Jay at the Hyatt in West Hollywood. As you were watching, you may have noticed at the base of the building there was a smaller building with a red roof. That is Chi, most famously known for being part owned by none other than Justin Timberlake. I know that some people can’t stand when I talk about restaurants in Hollywood, but I can’t with good conscience let Chi come into view and not mention that it had absolutely the WORST lobster I have ever tasted. Overcooked, no flavor, and overpriced. That’s not the kind of triple threat you want your restaurant to have. Combined with the worst layout ever, and I think we should all be happy that JT is busy bringing sexy back instead of opening more restaurants.

The photo shoot had the girls posing as celebrity couples. They would pose as one half of the couple, then go to hair and makeup and pose as the other half of the couple. The assignments? Caridee – Brad and Angelina, Brooke – Brittney and K-fed, Eugena – Beyonce and Jay-Z, AJ – J Lo and Marc Anthony, Michelle – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, Amanda – Demi and Ashton, Eugena – Bobby and Whitney, Anchal – Oprah and Gayle (OK it was actually Oprah and Steadman), and Melrose – Donald and Melania Trump.

Up first was Eugena. Her problem, besides not really having a lot of life in her eyes, is that she hasn’t been getting any better. As Jay-Z, I think she could a good job trying to work that playa jive. Not quite up to Sean Carter standards, but clearly just as good as anyone who still spends their nights at Chi. I don’t know if she just felt more comfortable tying to act like another person, but she did a good job with this one. She actually had a pretty good resemblance to Beyonce and in this picture I can kind of see what the judges are seeing. Her eyes don’t seem to be able to find the camera, so she doesn’t connect. Still, a pretty good picture.

Anchal’s Steadman was, well, the less said the better. You know that episode of 227 where Mary and Sandra dress up as dudes to figure out what Lester is doing at his secret society? Well, this was worse. Anchal looked like somebody took Sherman Helmsley, gave him John C. Reilly’s haircut from Boogie Night’s, then pasted a Burt Reynold’s moustache on him made biggest, furriest, caterpillar they could find in the Amazon. However, we can’t really lay too much blame on Anchal for that. Her Opera was much better. She had that “I got ABC to pay millions of dollars for my Legend’s Ball because IT’S MY BIRTH-DAY!!!!” look on her face. It’s no doubt that Anchal is voluptuous, but they have been picking pictures that allow her to, as Rod Stewart would say, wear it well.

Caridee had one of the best sets of pictures. Brangelina are such a good-looking couple, but she managed to look just as good as either one of them. Check out those lips in her Angelina picture! Wow. Caridee just has a feel for modeling and continues through her photo shoots like she has nothing to lose, making hers perhaps the most believable of any of the models each and every week.

AJ easily had the worst pictures this week. I though her hair and her makeup were decent for both, but she looked like she wasn’t into it at all. It’s almost like she just completely gave up. She is usually so inventive, but did the absolute minimum required to get things done this time around.

If nothing else, Brooke seems to always have fun with what she is doing, and this was a great shoot for her to have lots of fun. She took the F-R-E-S from fresh and put it into Fresno doing her K-fed. She even gave Jay a pat on the ass. When it came time to do Britney, they gave her a live Albino snake, and she got into character and rocked it. Another fifty or sixty bags of cheetos, and we probably wouldn’t have been able to tell her and Brit apart.

Jaeda took a picture from Eugena’s book and let it all hang loose, especially when she was doing her Bobby Brown. I knew this sister had some sass in her and it finally showed. The Whitney picture was not as good. I think one of the judges said she looked scared in the picture more than anything else, and I agree. It’s almost as if she was saying “I gotta get away. I gotta get away” over and over in her head with a new jack beat in the background. I still think she has a great look, and with everybody talking all that stuff about her, moving on will be, well, Her Prerogative.

I’m not sure if giving Michelle a lesbian couple was a coincidence (I think not), but it didn’t phase her and she did a good job. The Ellen is very believable, and although you can partially see it in the picture, she did a great Ellen dance. Her Portia was average to me, but she had a generic elegance that didn’t quite say A-list, which I guess makes her exactly like Portia.

There’s not enough silicone in Beverly Hills to make Amanda’s chest look like Demi’s, but the hair and makeup was so dead on, you barely notice. OK, I really noticed, but she still did a good Demi. I think this might be Amanda’s best shot of the year. Her Ashton was good and goofy. Looked more Jeff Foxworthy than anything else though.

Melrose complained about getting The Donald, but honestly, isn’t it worse to be Bobby Brown or K-Fed? Donald may be awful, but getting a chance to do Melania is almost worth it. That being said, she did a great job. If it wasn’t for Caridee’s picture, I would have put Melrose first. She got Melania’s crazy stare and Trump’s “30 BILLION DOLLAR A YEAR INDUSTRY!” smirk down perfectly.

I thought a lot of the pictures were great, so I knew the judging would come down to the various challenges, and they had yet another one before the actual judging. Not content with the Janice Dickinson red carpet footage, they decided to have the girls ad lib some live red carpet coverage in front of the judges. Not surprisingly, most of the girls were quite awful. Anchal actually had to have the meaning of POV explained to her.

When it came time for eliminations, I was surprised to se that Brooke’s name was called first. It’s not that I think her picture was bad, but in her runway interview with Janice, she said “What makes you so bitchy?”, which isn’t great. I guess they just really dug her personality, and I must ay it again, she is adorable. Check this freestyle she did in front of the judges:

My picture’s looking good. My picture’s looking fly.
I took it to the next level. I got high [ed note: ahh, total package]
Boys, check it out, I’m revvin’ full throttle.
I’m standing here, I’m going to be…
America’s Next Top Model.

Pretty fly for a white girl, no?

Melrose was next, and although I think she is arrogant and annoying, right now she is the total package. Won the challenge, did great in front of the judges, and completely nailed her picture. She was campy as Donald and gorgeous as Melania. I still believe that the looking old thing will catch up to her a la Lisa, but I would say she is top three right now. Amanda was next, and the judges said she had the most convincing shot of anybody, and they still really like the twins potential.

Random Tyra cleavage shot of the week.

Caridee was called fourth, which I thought was strange. She had a great picture and wasn’t all that much worse than any of the other girls on the red carpet, at least in my opinion. It’s not like she clams up when she sees people, she just doesn’t make any sense. After Caridee was Michelle and then Eugena, who had an average picture and but was at least funny on her improv. The judges couldn’t stop laughing at Anchal’s Steadman, but her Oprah saved her from the bottom two.

Speaking of that bottom tow, it was once again Jaeda in her familiar place and AJ the newcomer. They also happened to be the worst two at the red carpet stuff. Jaeda always froze up, which we would like to blame on nerves because it always hurts when a girl that hot is that boring, but AJ was the complete disaster. She had such consistent pictures and then completely fell off the map this week. Usually, I would say that this is a straight case of potential vs. potential, and Jaeda would clearly lose that battle, but the performances also had the judges questioning desire, and in a surprise, the combination of desire and potential kept Jaeda in the game.

Even though I love Jaeda, I probably would have kept AJ based on performance, however AJ saw it differently. She said that the judges eliminated her for the right reasons, and perhaps she sabotaged herself subconsciously to take herself out of the game. Whatever it was that she did, it worked, but at least she’ll get to wear that stupid pink thing in her hair without people bothering her anymore.

What did you think of the episode? Who had the best picture? Is Melrose too arrogant? Did Jaeda deserve to stay?