School Dazed and Confused

Previously on ANTM: Mother Renee rubbed pretty much the whole world the wrong way. Jaslene was one of only a few who rocked the photo shoot, while loveable egghead Kathleen couldn’t not like fur. I can see her point. I mean, it makes you look hot. There were also 11 other crazy hos, all competing to be America’s Next Top Model.

This week the girls go back to school to learn to walk. There’s an obscenely large trophy, jealousy and tears. Ah, sounds just like high school.Nighttime in LA. As the girls return to the house after panel, one of the girls declares that she misses Kathleen. I hear ya, honey! Jaslene is pumped because of all the praise for her picture at the last panel. As we hear her on the phone with her mom, it’s clear she’s is letting the praise go to her head.

Sad music plays as Ducky and Whitney screw around in the house. Why so glum, show? Oh, because Samantha is left out. Wah wah. Samantha tells us how she’s “pretty much a country girl, and these girls are just… some of them are crazy.” So true. But you’re on a reality show. Run by Tyra Banks. Were you really expecting a lot of sanity?

Samantha explains that when she’s stressed she likes to write in a notebook or talk on the phone with her family members. No, that’s what you do here because you won’t even try to like the other girls.

Samantha cries on the phone with her dad. He sounds like a level-headed guy and tells her to just have a good time with it and not to forget who she is. She promises she’ll never forget who she is. This could have two results: 1, they’re going to make her do something ho-ey this week, or 2, she’s going to end up drunk in a hot tub making out with a male model by the end of the episode. Too bad only one of those makes fantastic TV.

TYRA MAIL! “Babies learn how to do it. Can you? Love, Tyra” The girls don’t even need wunderkind Kathleen to figure out that they’re going to be walking tomorrow.

A new day dawns in LA and the girls walk onto a high school football field. They are greeted by Ms. Jay in full marching band gear – including long pants – leading a real band in formation. I guess the marching band uniform is the one thing too sacred for Ms. Jay to defile with a pair of short-shorts.

The Marching Band Uniform really is a Hallowed Vestment.

Ms. Jay explains this marching band is known for their timing, precision and choreography. This is only the second episode and I can already tell you if there is one thing these girls are not, it’s precise. Except Sarah. She would SOOO have obnoxiously tiny, impossibly neat handwriting. What a bitch.

The girls must change into matching shorts, polos and heels before clomping back in front of Ms. Jay, who has now changed into a school girl, complete with plaid skirt, saddle shoes and braids. I wonder if I can just ignore the hideous and make it go away.

Ms. Jay instructs them to walk the white line of the track. Felicia goes first and is right on the line the whole time. Ms. Jay mocks her because he says her hands stay at her sides the whole time, but they definitely move, shut up, Ms. Jay. Samantha is next and has a dead arm. She says she knew he was going to say that because everyone always tells her that. So why haven’t you fixed it yet?

Natasha is criticized for marching. Or being a Martian, whatever. She thinks she’s doing great. Mars is hot. Ms. Jay thinks Mother Renee walks too much on her heels, but she says she wasn’t fierce enough because she’s in a schoolgirl outfit. She’s the First Selectwoman of Excusesville.

Ms. Jay wants Jaslene, aka Skelator, to take longer steps, and asks her to walk again. She however, doesn’t want to listen, because she has her signature walk and thinks she’ll stand out when they’re on the runway. See, all this BS Tyra has been spewing at them about “signature” whatevers is totally backfiring. Mother Renee is elated that “Little Miss Cha Cha” didn’t get all the praise she expected to get. What a freaking bitter Betty.

Some jets fly overhead in formation. There’s room in the budget for this and not for writers?? All flash and no substance, Tyra. Ms. Jay explains that sometimes models have to work in groups too. Even Tyra’s done it! We see a clip of her walking with Beverly Peele at a Michael Kors runway show. What year was that? It looks like something out of a Chico’s catalogue.

I know, right?

Ms. Jay lines out the walking pattern. This really shouldn’t be hard for anyone with half a brain. The only person I pity is Natasha because she really does not have enough English to have taken all that in. And she’s chasing that damned Moose and Squirrel. There’s a lot on her plate. Sorry. Had to make that joke sooner or later.

The girls start practicing. Of course Renee thinks she was great but her team was lacking. Sarah interviews how she thinks walking his heels is easy because they give you more elegance. Aaaaand then her shoe falls off. A regular Grace Kelly, that one.

Jaslene cackles at the other girls’ walks, superior in her own. Skelator then says how she feels she doesn’t need to practice because she’s the best.

Ms. Jay directs the girls to the high school gym and their next challenge. There’s a runway set up in the gym and who should be there but Roy Campbell, who is a fashion show organizer and you may remember him from that show in a church in cycle 6. For today’s challenge the girls must model prom wear using the routine they were just taught in a live fashion show here in the gym for the students of the school. There are three different themes to the show – Modern/Contemporary, the ’80′s, and Ghetto Fabulous – so each girl can do all three positions of the formation once.

One thing about this show, when you hear “ghetto fabulous” and go in expecting this:

And get this:


It’s pretty disappointing.

The girls get their hair and makeup done and some even practice a little before the show. Sarah starts shilling for Cover Girl already, wanting to get a nice head start. Natasha tells Jael not to mess up and Jael gets defensive and tells her not to step on her dress. I thought you just wanted to make friends, Ducky. Step off!

Roy Campbell promises a great prize for the winner before going out to start the show. Jaslene is cocky backstage before the show and Mother Renee bitches about it. The show starts! The girls start off well and we don’t see many misshaps.

However, by the time the “ghetto fabulous” portion of the show rolls around, the girls have lost their focus or something because it’s a mess. Sarah’s group is up first and, as we saw in the previews, Sarah falls out of her dress. Or rather, the dress falls off of her, because Sarah’s kind of a pancake, if you know what I mean. She just lets it all hang out there because she “doesn’t want to interfere with her performance” but you know she’s doing it cause she thinks its edgy and fashionable and thinks it’s what the judges want. Too bad you’re at a HIGH SCHOOL modeling for STUDENTS and their PARENTS. Cover up, hussy!

Jael, however thought it was SO liberating for Sarah and was glad she got to be on the same runway. I know I want to live all my life changing moments with Ducky by my side!

Samantha thinks her “ghetto fabulous” dress should be burned because it was “basically a shirt” and she would never have been allowed to go to prom in that. Well, let’s just add it to the book bonfire, Cotton Mather!

After the show Roy asks if the girls had a good time and once again Ducky is the loudest in her response. She so would be that girl who answers every rhetorical question that deserves a mumbled “Yeah,” with a “Wonderful!” at full volume.

Roy goes down the line giving comments. He thought Natasha wasn’t cognizant of the other girls. Samantha could have used some attitude, especially during the ghetto fabulous portion. Sarah should have held her dress closed because they’re at a school in LA, and not at Fashion Week in New York. He thought Mother Renee was lost and seemed to lag behind the choreography. Of course, she doesn’t listen to his criticism and was satisfied that the crowd liked her.

Birttany had the best stage presence, and her minor slip-ups were made up for by the fact that she always caught back up. When Roy calls Jaslene’s name she has a huge grin on her face because she thinks she’s about to be praised to the high heavens. And then she is crushed. Gloriouis.

Roy thought she was unsure of herself and made the most mistakes. He also thought she was the most lost, and that’s saying a lot considering you’ve got Natasha up there. Jaslene is another girl who just doesn’t hear the criticism, and she says she knows she did really well. No! You didn’t! He just said that! Oooh Jaslene is piiiiiissed.

But there is good news for someone and her name is Brittany! She won the challenge. The great prize he mentioned earlier? A GIANT trophy! Like, obscenely large, designed purely to piss off girls like Jaslene and Renee. Love it.

Once back at the house and alone with Jaslene, Renee eggs her on and asks how she felt about the critique she received that afternoon. Jaslene says she’s unfazed. Felicia comments on the tension to some of the other girls. Jaslene walks in just about the time Felicia starts saying it’s because some people are mad they aren’t at the top anymore. Jaslene overhears and says she wants to confront Felicia so they can talk about it like grown adults. It doesn’t go well and the argument ends with Jaslene calling Felicia a dumbass under her breath. Very grown up.

At this point the Skeletor starts to lose her mind. She calls her mom to cry that the other girls are jealous because she’s the best walker. Denial. Not just a river in Egypt. Her mother admonishes her for not being strong, but Jaslene asks who she’s supposed to cry to if not her mom. I think the solution here lies in a nice chocolate chip cookie. Seriously, girl needs a sandwich.

Renee gleefully goes outside with the news that Jaslene is crying. Such. A. Bitch.

More TYRA MAIL! Natasha reads it in broken English and no one gets it thanks to the language barrier and Tyra’s copious use of teenager-ish abbreviations like “BFs’ and “K.I.T.” The girls eventually decipher the message but still don’t really know what they’re going to be doing that day. More confusion as they pull into the high school again.

Oompa loompa doopity doo, here comes Man-Jay to explain today’s photo shoot. He says that today the girls will be acting out the awards they give out at the end of the year in high school. Jay says they’re called “high school clichés.” Aren’t they called superlatives?

Mother Renee will be the class clown, Whitney the mean girl, Jael will be the bookworm, Felicia the jock, Cassandra the cheerleader, Jaslene the weirdo, Diana the student body president, Dionne the bad girl, and Natasha the teacher’s pet. Jay laughs that she has no idea what that means. Of course she doesn’t, you gave her the idiom! Sarah will portray the class flirt and Samantha will be the girl with the bad reputation. Called it!

Before the fun can begin we have to sit through an Herbal Essences commercial, as Jay introduces some woman from the company. She’s basically there to spout random “facts” about the hair products their using, and I’m going to skip it all. Outta my face capitalist!

Jael is thrilled to be playing a nerd and says she would wear that outfit normally. “Normally.” Riight. Sarah plays the flirt, and Jay tells her to follow her instincts because she knows what she’s doing. Sarah admits she has the tendency to overthink things. You think?

Cassandra says that she gets to be reluctant in her portrayal of a cheerleader, which she thinks is more high fashion. Mother Renee, Mayor of Excuse City, is not happy to have to be the class clown. In fact, she’s downright “piffed.” Is that a lame-ass cross between pissed and miffed? Don’t quit your day job. Well today she’s not going on about her baby, but Mother Renee will not shut up about the fact that she’s not normally a clown and it’s not fair she has to do something she’s unfamiliar with while other girls got to stay in their comfort zones (see Ducky as a bookworm).

To add insult to injury, Jael and Sarah are sitting in on Renee’s shoot and Jay at one point tells Renee to ask the Duck for tips on how to be a clown. If Renee were a cartoon we’d totally see smoke coming out of her ears at this point. She is freaking piiiiiiiiiffed.

Samantha is not doing well either as the class ho. Jay tells her not to think about her boyfriend and “think about the other one.” She cries there is no other one. Jay tells her to pretend she’s alone and “bleep”-ing. Apparently you can’t talk about touching yourself on the CW. Well Samantha’s mortified and so not coming out of her shell now. Nice advice Jay!

Oh and this is rich, Renee, who got in such a tizzy because girls were watching her during her shoot, is now watching Samantha. Renee cries as she talks to the camera about how she could have done so much better than Samantha if she’d gotten that as her superlative. GET OVER IT, Queen of Excusealot.

Mother Renee cries again as she watches Jaslene’s shoot. Jay is ebullient with his praise for Jaslene. Renee declares she could have done as well as Jaslene if she’d gotten to portray the weirdo. Waaaaaaaah waaaaaah, so unfair.

Natasha has no idea what a teachers pet is. She tries to put it in terms she can understand: Innocent or sexy? “Definitely not sexy.” Jay tells her. Her first few frames aren’t working so Jay just tells her to imitate what she sees in fashion magazines. That’s some excellent guidance, Jay. What a giver.

Back at the house Renee is still going on about how her assignment wasn’t fair. Thankfully we’re saved by TYRA MAIL. Jael decides to attend this reading naked. Attention whore. Samantha was not pleased by the nudity and feels so alone. Boo hoo, loosen up Pollyanna.

Pirate Tyra is running panel again this week. Ok remember how last season Ms. Jay removed a hideous, hideous flower from his shirt for every girl eliminated? This year he’s adding a ruffle to his collar for every elimination. So he’s going to look Elizabethan by the end of this season. Again I ask, how is he in any way involved in fashion? This week’s guest judge is Roy Campbell.

Sarah’s picture is the first to be judged. Most of the judges liked it, but Twiggy thought it was a little too “men’s magazine” for her. Prude. Cassandra, as the cheerleader is praised in the long shot, but the judges think her eyes lack fire. If she was told to look bored in the shot you can’t blame her for delivering bored! Tyra, of course gives a demonstration on how to look bored but still engaged, though I think she just looks nuts with those crazy eyes.

The judges like everything about Diana’s picture – the body positioning, the snooty face, the confidence. Tyra says that even with all the other elements in the shot, her eye was still drawn to Diana. Gotta say, the gentle giant is stepping up. She’s not too uggo at all in this picture! I love this picture of Dionne as the bad girl. Her legs look fabulous and the face is definitely communicating. It kind of looks like an ad for Candee’s, which isn’t high fashion, I know, but a bad girl pose + hot pink anywhere in the picture = ad for Candee’s.

The judges love this picture of Brittany – Nigel thinks she looks like a model and like she’s clever. And that’s quite a feat. Practically an oxymoron there! I don’t know how much I agree with the judges. Yeah, a lot of it is that I think this outfit is ugly, but also, I’m really getting a Sandra Bernhardt vibe from her face in this photo and that is like the opposite of pretty. Samatha’s picture basically sucks. There is nothing sexy about this. She just looks totally awkward and what is with her right hand. Tense much? The judges don’t think she looks naughty at all. Tyra is actually funny for once as she describes this picture as “I think I’m a ho?” Chuckle chuckle.

This is basically a Nike ad. Bravo, Felicia, you have a future! Gorgeous face, graceful body. Ms. Jay thinks it looks like a picture of Tyra, but Tyra’s skeptical. Jael also gets high marks for her book worm picture. Tyra thinks it reads nerdy, but also fashionable. Tyra does a weird mocking impression of our Ducky. Not nice, Tyra.

Jaslene’s photo is called out as the best of the bunch for the second week in a row. God her head’s going to be freaking HUUUUUGE now. Ms. Jay makes a comment how the other girls better watch out for Jaslene and she immediately tattles that they’re already on your case. Maybe it’s cause you’re whiney. Mother Renee laughs as Jaslene starts to cry in front of the panel. Normally I’d side with Renee because I hate crying whiners, but GOD, I hate her more! The judges tell Jaslene to suck it up because modeling is all about the catfighting and backstabbing. They tell her to ignore the other girls and do her thing because her photos are amazing.

Not so amazing? Whitney, as the mean girl. Yeah, there’s nothing special about this picture. The judges like the close up but not the long shot. Tyra noticed a lack of range while going through Whitney’s film. Whitney blames her marks, but Tyra calls BS on that.

After all Renee’s bitching that her photo assignment wasn’t fair, she gets praised by the judges for her picture. Tyra just tells her to watch her face and make sure it’s always pretty. The judges tell her they think she can give more because the picture is good, but not great.

The dear, sweet, clueless Ruskie is the last up. The judges think it reads more Witch from Snow White than Teacher’s Pet. Yeah, cause Natasha has no idea what a teacher’s pet is. Tyra reads a comment from Jay about how this was the hardest shoot in Top Model history to direct, worse than Ann from Cycle 3. Natasha’s face lights up at that – she remembers Ann as one of the most beautiful girls. The judges laugh that she only hears the positive.

The judges deliberate without the girls in the room. Brittany had a great photo this week and last and won the challenge this week. Mother Renee looks great in person, but hasn’t quite put that in a photo yet. Tyra thinks the competition is helping her. Yeah, helping her expose her inner bitch to the world. Whitney needs a makeover. Cassandra needs to be a stronger model in the face. Natasha doesn’t get what’s going on ever. Diana lacks energy. Jaslene has the best shot, but the judges don’t think she would get cast without a porfolio. Yeah, Jaslene’s a real uggo when not made up by a professional. Twiggy thinks Sarah is too birdlike. Samantha is pretty, but has no personality. The judges are perplexed by Jael. Dionne is “saucy.” Guess who made that comment. Tyra REFUSES to believe that Felicia looks like her. Hey, aside from the weirdly small eyebrows she’s pretty Tyra! Relax, it’s not like they said Diana looks like you. (ICE BURN!)

Twelve girls, 11 photos… Jaslene is called first for the second week in a row! I can see her head visibly swelling. Oh there is going to be a showdown with Renee. Felicia, Diana, Renee, Brittany, Cassandra, Dionne, Jael, Whitney, and Sarah are also safe. That means it’s Natasha and Samantha in the bottom. While both girls have some of the strongest faces, they each have significant weaknesses. Samantha lacks personality and is too naive. Natasha doesn’t take good pictures despite the gorgeous face.

Natasha gets the picture. Tyra gives a whole speech about beauty on the inside and all that but you know all Natasha heard was “Wah waah wah beauty. Wah wah Natasha wah wah model. Wah wah pretty pretty picture. Wah wah wah wah. You’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

Samantha knows she’s not wild and crazy like Jael. Yeah, or a funny foreigner like Natasha. So she’s going home to her family and that’s ok with her. This wasn’t part of God’s plan, yadda yadda yadda. Bye Samantha, I’m pretty much going to forget you by next week.

Nest week: MAKEOVERS! Tyra is insane! Mother Renee is verbally bitch-slapped by Brittany! Can’t wait!