Are You Being Served?

So, I hope that everybody has recovered from last week’s America’s Next Top Model. I know that it was Rebecca who had a seizure(OK, so I’m told it was a vasovagal syncope, but until I go to med school, I won’t care) and fell over, but it was the audience that I was afraid would not be able to get up again. Most of us were having our own seizures, some may call them fits of laughter, and had to pick ourselves up off the floor. OK, I have to see it one more time, so here it is (scroll down for the video). How can ANTM ever top that sort of action. It may not ever happen, but at least you can try.All jokes aside, the whole episode was kind of scary, and although Rebecca said it wouldn’t affect her modeling career, don’t you kind of think that falling over uncontrollably might be a little more serious than she lets on? I mean, one of these days, she’s going to have a serious concussion or broken collar bone or something. And wouldn’t it be unfortunate if she just fell over on the runway? The other person who was sort of worried about their performance last week was Brittany, who was in tears as she said that she didn’t want to look like somebody who does porn. It’s OK Brittany, you have at least one assured DVD sale when you get to it.

If there is anybody who should be learning from week to week, it has to be Brandi. She came to the casting session with such a happy and carefree attitude, but it looks like she hasn’t had any fun the entire time she has been here. Maybe she is traumatized by her hair, and we know she is impatient, but unless she is taking her own pictures and paying for her own contract, she has to do something to get along with other people. And she should start with her roommates.

It has always been a reality show staple to have one phone for the entire cast. This arrangement guarantees a ton of drama. Our girls had actually sort of worked out a rotation to make things a little more fair. Since the east coast was three hours ahead, the people from the East would start first. And since Hawaii was three hours behind, she would be last. With all the girls talking, they should be reaching out and touching their respective time zones in some sort of rational order. It all would have worked out except that Brand was not having any of it. I guess she should know that it’s a democracy, not a cheerocracy modelacracy.

Whenever Brandi goes off, there is only one person who can really talk to her. That would be Tiffany, of course, because it seems like everybody is scared of Brandi. I love whenever Tiffany starts the show by demonstrating how angry she used to be. Why? Because it means we will get to see another replay of the clip where the infamous line “Bitch threw a beer on my weave” were once spoken. I can’t get enough of that shit.

The girls first Tyra mail was talking about being on point, not like EMPD, but like ballet. Right away I was thinking that this would feature some crazy russian lady who spent 50 years teaching under communism in the USSR, but decided to leave and now runs a studio somewhere near Fairfax. That was my dream, but the producers instead gave us Stephen Wenta, who was basically a German version of Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park, he even had a cane, which he used to smack the models when they weren’t in good posture. They don’t have enough time to go through charm school, but I guess this Stephen guy would have to do. They could have at least involved liederhosen in some way.

Anyway, the thing about ballet was that it was supposed to show people about being conscious of their form. It is amazing that some of these girls think that it is OK to kind of go through the motions in these things. No matter how innocuous the early lesson is, it always finds it way into the later challenges somehow.

With the ballet over, the girls were able to do what they wanted that night. Christina said it was a perfect chance to have a night “for just us girls”. OK, so Michelle is sort of mannish at times, and nothing says Brazilian tranny more than Lluvy, but every single moment of their day is “just us girls”. But this time for “just us girls” took place at the Pacific Dining Car, a very nice restaurant.

Tiffany has made a big deal about how much she changed, and one of the ways she changed, or at least what she told Naima was that she doesn’t drink anymore because it makes her crazy. We can all relate to that, and it you can tell Tiffany was happy she had a chance to go to a nice restaurant. But then she noticed that Rebecca had some white wine. Hmm, classy white bitch got some wine, that means that if a ghetto bitch did the same thing, she might be more classy. We know that is not quite how it works, but it was fun having a little laugh as TIffany began slurring her speech and doing the “I love you guys” type of speeches. All of the top models were thinking the same thing, or at least they were right up until the time Tiffany got sick and threw up on the floor in the restaurant.

Now, it’s embarrassing if you throw up in McDonald’s, so I can’t image what it would be like to yak all over a nice eating establishment. Tiffany surely felt bad, but her girls had her back, especially Michelle, who happily jumped pulled her hair back as she was throwing up. Later, Michelle would help Tiffany feel more comfortable by laying her bed with her and lending an ear. Some of the girls thought that Tiffany’s display showed a lack of professionalism. Shit, I thought that vomiting on cue was the sign of a model who was a professional, not an amateur. If you throw up you would have to eat something, and you could end up gaining 1/2 a pound or so.

For the first shoot, the girls were going to do be playing some tennis. Jay Manuel was not around, but that was because this was a stealth mission. Jay had a monitor to watch as the girls all interacted with the photographer, who was paid to be as big of an asshole as possible. The judges wanted to see what the girls would do under pressure.

The pressure got to most girls, but some more than ohters. Naima looked carefree, but Khalen and Michelle fought back tears as they were done. If there was anybody who you know couldn’t stand and wouldn’t stand for that kind of treatment, it was Tiffany and Brandi. Tiffany mouthed off to the photographer, who basically threw her out of the shoot. Brand mentioned that she couldn’t hide her emotions, especially in her face. It’s a good thing she picked a career where her every expression will be scrutinized. She also wasn’t going to let anybody make jokes about her, and Tatiana made that mistake.

To tell you the truth it seemed as if Tatiana wasn’t making fun of Tiffany, but trying to have a little laugh about the photographer. If there was nothing the girls should have rallying around, it would be making fun of the photographer, right? Especially one that was so hard on everybody? Well, Brand had plenty of Tatiana. Maybe it was her scrunched up face, maybe it was her pit stains, maybe it was the fact that Tatiana spent the whole time laying underneath a bed, but something pissed off Brandi. She asked Naima “Is it OK to slap somebody when they get on your nerves?”. You know what they say. If you have to ask….well, I don’t know what the say, so you can finish that sentence.

After the last girl had finished, Jay revealed himself, and told the girls all about his little ruse. The photographer chose Naima as the winner of the , and she picked Tiffany and Kahlen to come along with her for a “very, very nice and elegant dinner. There are so many nice places in LA, I was wondering where they would go . When the girls rolled up next to the PIg And Whistle, I figured that the nice and elegant part had to be the special guest for the evening (there was an empty place setting at the table).

So, I was right about the guest being the elegant part, as Serena Williams walked in to hand Naima a signed racket. She then went on to talk about how great her fashion business is. She owns a company called Aneres , and helps design her clothes. Immediately, tshe decides she is going to critique all of their walks. I would have had Serena give some feedback to jay at the tennis court, because it’s not like she had that much to any discussion of high fashion.

Our production photo shoot for the evening was an interesting one. The girls made their way over to Quixote Studios (on Martel, I believe). It’s incidentally also right across the street from where B-side used to work (the studio, not the Trader Joe’s). Twleve girls, twelve months, twelve signs of the zodiac, twelve pages for a calendar. Since the zodiac signs were celestial, the girls would be aided in their poses by a harness, which proved a little difficult for some.

If you are wondering the girls dressed up as the following: Naima – Capricorn, Kahlen – Aries, Noelle – Leo, Keenya – Taurus, Britany – Saggitarius, Tiffany – Cancer, Christina – Libra, Tatiana – Gemni, Rebecca – Virgo, Michelle – Aquarius, Lluvy – Pisces, Brandi – Scorpio. And when they had to do their costumes and makeup, it was a simple matter of a background, they had a lot of stuff going on. Naima and Kahlen sported horns for their goat and ram, Lluvy and Brandi dealt with scales being attached to their faces for their fish and scorpion, but the craziest outfit had to be Tiffany. She had the biggest god awful crab claws to deal with, but she tried and made it work out OK, although you really still have to laugh about the whole thing.

Brandi of course made a huge scene at the shoot. She always has a problem, and this time it was more complaints about how much she had to wait. While she was waiting, the other girls began talking, mainly about how crazy Brandi was. It’s never nice to have somebody talk behind your back, and this is a competition, so the girls are likely looking for any reason to get rid of her, but Brandi hasn’t been approachable to the people who would be deciding if she is going to get a job, and other than Tiffany and sometimes Naima, just isn’t that friendly to her roommates.

Tiffany, who was going back and forth between ghetto and fabulous today, chose to defend Brandi against what she perceived were a bunch of girls ganging up on her. I know that they have a big sister/little sister thing going on and Tiffany has been the voice of reason for her friend, but Tiffany really has to pick her fights. Brandi has been unpleasant, and Tiffany might end up alienating herself further if she defends Brandi when Brandi shows no intention of trying to enjoy herself there.

When it came time for judging, the girls were surprised to hear that the judging would not be done on the professional shoot, but tennis shoot. Most of the girls were really awful in their pictures, looking as if they had been caught off guard. Noell and Lluvy were truly awful. Moving on to the zodiac pictures, the judges loved Keenya, Christina, and Michelle. Brittany also had a strong picture, and the difference between her when she has her makeup packed on and her natural face is amazing. She got rid of the pinup and let her natural beauty work, which is always a good idea. Tatiana and Kahlen also received good words for their work. My favorite picks for this week (I’m in love with Keenya and Naima BTW, so I hope you are all ready to see lots of their pictures this season):

The worst pictures for the Zodiac were once again Noelle, and Lluvy. Even Naima took some criticism, with Beverly Johnson saying it looked like Naima had never taken ballet. All the judges agreed that she was ungraceful, and this wasn’t her best picture. As for Lluvy, she predicted that the fish scales would make her lips seem even more bulbous than they were already. Still, she had trouble with her fishnet and the harness, and didn’t seem to project the energy she had in person on the camera. Tyra said that Lluvy’s picture was one of the worst she has seen in the competition, not quite an honor you want to be in the running for. Joining Lluvy among the final two was Brandi. Her attitude has been evident since day one, and despite many warning there has been no change. The judges felt that she took great pictures, and the camera does love her, but it’s hard to imagine any member of any camera or production crew wanting to work with her.

The theme this week was growth, and the judges decided that Lluvy had more potential to grow – they just couldn’t get past Brandi’s demeanor. When she heard that she would be going home, Brandi didn’t go crazy, didn’t hug any of her roommates, but did leave a note saying how much she would miss Tiffany. Tiffany was crying because she lost her closest friend, and I am sure she feels like she failed protecting her “little sister”. Hopefully Tiffany will bounce back, because she shouldn’t go ballistic over this decision. Getting rid of Brandi was the right choice, and doing it now is better than having to explain how they let her and that damn gap through the competition so long.

Remember what I said about America’s Next Top Model would find a hard time equalling last week’s theatrics? Well, maybe I was wrong. As we got some of the previews for next week, the following phrase could be heard “flesh eating bacteria”. Oh god Tyra, thank you ever so much for giving us this show.