America’s Next Top Model: Bootylicious, Baby!

It’s that time of the cycle again… no, I’m not talking about feeling bloated and craving chocolate, I’m talking about makeover time! Just as I had hoped, the good were really good but the bad were better. Also, there’s gratuitous talk of asses and booties so if you’re looking for how to turn tonight’s episode into a drinking game, just take a sip anytime anyone use of either of those words will get you good and wasted.

Stacy-Ann says: Bottoms up!

Dominique’s worried because she was in the bottom four last week. When Katarzyna asks her about who she thinks is the biggest competition, Dominique says that it really comes down to what the judges think. Thanks Captain Obvious, but that’s not at all what Katarzyna asked you. She goes in the confessional and talks about how she’s a competitor, a diva, and beautiful. Now, I’m not saying I roll out of bed looking like Heidi Klum every morning but I’m fairly certain that if I ever woke up looking 1/10th as scary as Dominique, I’d burn my eyes out with the nearest curling iron.

A toothbrush… a hairbrush… even a Brillo pad wouldn’t do the trick here

All the girls are conveniently sitting around the front room when the doorbell rings. The girls open the front door to find 11 purses sitting outside filled with goodies from Apple Bottom jeans. Marvita’s “hella juiced” about the free stuff. The girls start trying stuff on and modeling the goodies.

While the girls shriek and scream and run around and drop it like it’s hotttt, poor little Allison’s sitting on the couch making some serious frowny faces. Whoa, who ran over her puppy? The girl can pout. She interviews that the her roommates are driving her up the wall, but she’s confident because she has more modeling experience and because she’s traveled overseas. To a whopping two countries. Well, well, isn’t that a recipe for success! I spent my junior year darting around the majority of Western Europe. (At least, I think I did – I’ve got the stamps in my passport, but all of the ouzo and sangria made the whole experience a little foggy.) Does this mean I’m cut out to be America’s Next Top Model? I wanna be on top!

Whitney and Aimee are curious about what makes a booty an Apple Bottom. Good, I AM TOO. Seriously. Someone’s gotta clue in all the suburban white girls like me. I’d convey Claire’s explanation to you, but I’m not so good at drawing pictures and a Google Image search just hit me with a slew of porn when I tried to search for “apple bottom.” Just a friendly reminder to keep your safe search switched ON before you’ve had your morning coffee.

The girls are in the kitchen continuing to talk about fruit-shaped booties. Fatima tells Allison that her ass is “the epitome of apple-bottom-ness.” Allison counters and tells Fatima that her butt is quite apple-bottom-like as well. Fatima explains this away by saying that maybe it’s because Allison’s butt is bigger than hers. Yikes. Fatima continues, telling Allison she’s just “bigger in general.” It seems like Fatima’s saying this as an attempt to save face, but seriously, is there any way that this could be meant as a compliment? Like any woman on this planet, Allison’s pissed and makes a comment about being anorexic as she hightails it out of the room.

Fatima puts on her best “who, me?” face and admits that it was her fault but says she wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction from Allison. Yeah, most girls LOVE to be called fat. I know I practically make out with anyone who tells me that I could lose a few pounds. There’s really no greater aphrodisiac. Hope you’re taking notes, boys.

“So that’s what foot tastes like”

Tyra mail says that the girls never know when they’ll get their next call. A limo shows up to get them at 5 a.m. and the girls go for a long drive. Where could they be heading? Off to the prairie?

“Laura! Pa says we have to pack up the wagon so we can ford the river!”

No, no the gang’s just headed off to Wal-Mart. Oh, and now I am VERY excited. What if Tyra decided to put a twist on the show and give the girls makeovers at Wal-Mart instead of at a fancy salon? Oh that would be GENIUS. Imagine how pissed off all of the prissy pretty princesses would be. Hey, CW? Hire me. I’m available. I’ll give this show a makeover.

Two Cover Girl execs meet the girls in the makeup aisle and reveal that the call is for both a casting and a makeup challenge. After plenty of unnecessary plugs for both Wal-Mart and Cover Girl, the girls do the same ol’ challenge we’ve been seeing for seasons. You know the drill – they have five minutes and one mirror to make themselves over in an all-natural way.

Time’s up! The girls get critiqued. Lauren needs to learn how to use blush. Both the judges think Whitney looks great, and I’m psyched!

Seriously, Whit, I could just eat you up with a spoon

Fatima slathered her face with entirely the wrong shade of foundation. She kind of looks cold and frostbitten. That, or she snatched the wrong gum off the conveyor belt while touring the Wonka factory.

Now you’re going to turn into a blueberry! It’s going to clash with your Oompa Loompa colored hair!

The execs tell Allison she looks great, but has too much makeup on. Her cocky smile immediately turns into a sourpuss. And the challenge winner is… Claire, who rocked the fresh and clean look. For those of you keeping track at home, I’ve gotten over Claire’s drinking-her-own-breast-milk debacle and she’s back on my good side.

Back at the apartment, Claire confides in some of the girls that she takes the competition really seriously because she wants to be able to support her family and daughter. Amis butts in and essentially summarizes what Claire just said. It seems like wherever there’s drama in the house, Amis just pops her little head up to add absolutely nothing whatsoever to the conversation. She did the same thing earlier with the apple-bottom-fiasco between Allison and Fatima. Amis, you are officially the house’s annoying little sister. Congrats. Your gold star is on its way.

Dominique chimes in that in her situation, she has to be both the mother and the father. Wait, did we know Dominique had a kid before now? I must have missed that somewhere. She says that she wants to be a role model for her daughter and show that girls can stand up against domestic abuse and can be successful single mothers. The other girls in the room who haven’t popped out a rugrat or two look away awkwardly since they can’t really relate to Dominique’s problems. At least, most of them can’t…

“I KNEW I should have been paying attention in sex ed when they showed us how to roll the condom on that banana…”

Allison randomly has two Barbies that she starts to play with on the big bed. Whitney’s sort of playing along and I’m a little worried that some of Allison’s bitchy overconfidence might rub off on Whitney. Get out of there, Whit! Save yourself. As Fatima walks by, Allison makes a show of stuffing paper into the black Barbie’s pants to give it a bigger ass. She then choreographs a fight between what is apparently Fatima Barbie and Allison Barbie. This whole song-and-dance would be immature enough, but I love that some sneaky producer slipped in Barbie dolls to help crank up the immaturity to off the chart levels. Fantastic. Then we get a shot of a blurred out Barbie ass and the scene gets even better. How much do you think that set the CW back?

Allison then makes a presumably racist comment when her mouth gets blurred out for a good three seconds before ending with “because I’m black.” Any guesses as to what she said? Fatima gives us a general translation and apparently Allison said something about how black people like to take it in the back. Classy.

And in this episode’s 508th product plug, Allison shows off the ANTMâ„¢ Stacy-Ann Barbie

Allison’s apparently trying to give Fatima a taste of her own medicine, which would be totally fine if she didn’t have to do it in such an ignorant, racist manner. Nothing gets resolved and the scene is done. Also, the editors have done a wonderful job in splitting up story lines, because everyone in this scene is wearing the same clothes and hairstyles that they were last week during the Amis-Fatima throwdown in the kitchen. Another huge inconsistency is that half the time they can’t decide how to spell Stacy-Ann/Stacey-Ann. It’s like the editors and producers are asleep at the wheel.

Enough drama for now. It’s makeover time! At the salon, Tyra announces that this time around, she’s not telling the girls what she’s going to be doing to their hair. They’re just going to sit in the chair and get what they get. YES. I love it.

Anya’s up first. The result? Not so good. She looks like Jenah last season with almost-white hair on too-pale skin. Washed out to the extreme. Anya’s face also looks really, really busted in her “after” picture.

Whitney gets a long blonde weave. I’m back and forth in terms of how I feel about it. I like the length, but she looked so pretty as a brunette! In some scenes, the blonde looks really good but in others it looks kind of weird. I’m sure once I’m used to it in a few episodes, I think I’ll love it. Let’s be honest – they could have died her hair neon green and I still would have found a way to justify it looking cute.

Aimee goes red. Eh. It makes her look older but I don’t think it’s particularly flattering.

Marvita’s up. Those of you that think Marvita looks rather equine (I believe “the donkey from Shrek” was how one commenter put it) will be thrilled with the makeover. Tyra explains, “Marvita’s getting a horse mane hair weave, which I’ve never seen before in my life. It’s something that I kind of invented.” Then she neighs. SPECTACULAR. Marvita looks pretty pissed with the results and I don’t blame her because she’s essentially been given a mullet. It doesn’t look so bad in her shot though, and neither do her nostrils. That retoucher deserves a bonus!

Lauren talks about how she’s shaved her head and dyed it every color of the rainbow. She thinks the least normal thing for her would be to have long hair. Well, ask and you shall not receive, Lauren! She gets a wavy weave and some highlights. Hoolia likey.

It turns out Mizz Jay is getting a makeover, too! With some sassy extensions to match her/his ‘tude, she/he decides to frolic for the cameras. The Stacy-Ann pose is sweeping the nation!

Katarzyna goes way darker. It looks good, but I liked her hair color originally. She thinks the brunette look is more high fashion, and I’d have to agree.

Claire gets a platinum blonde crew cut. She looks like a pixie, but also way more like a fashion model than her old cut.

Allison’s hair is soooo long that she’s bound to go a little shorter. She also gets it dyed a reddish dark blonde. I’m not sure if it’s just the lighting in the salon, but it looks kind of brassy to me, like someone left some blonde hair dye in for way too long. In her shoot though, she manages to ditch the Sarah Silverman and channel Eva Longoria for her celebrity inspiration. It looks pretty hot.

Congratulations, Dominique. You get the “WTF???” makeover for this cycle. Seriously, it’s hideous. The color is blah brown and the cut is very middle-aged soccer mom. Dominique is only 23 and this haircut makes her look just about double that.

“But Carol Brady told me it looks great!”

Dominique either genuinely loves it or is a fantastic actress. It doesn’t look so awful in the studio shot because a fan is blowing it all over the place

Stacy Ann gets a short, poufy do. “Wowwww oh my goshhhhh that is difffffferent!” she speak-whines. It looks good on her though.

Amis goes a little blonder and a lot longer. It looks like a slightly darker version of the cut that Chantal got last season. Amis thinks it will turn her into a “roaring sex monster.”

Fatima’s on the verge of tears and complaining about how much it hurts to get a weave. I have no idea how weaves or extensions work, but she’s a great big baby if she’s crying over it when half of the girls have already gotten them, no problem. Allison agrees and interviews about how Fatima’s a whiny brat. In this interview she’s wearing a totally ridiculous black crocheted cap and I suddenly realize why a lot of the girls had such crazy hats and scarves on during some of the interviews last week and this week. To cover up their new haircuts. Duh. I feel like a moron. And in case you are wondering – yes, I am a natural blonde.

Fatima gets a long, long, long chestnut brown weave. It looks pretty good but then again, anything is an improvement on the Carrot Top look she was rocking before.

Also, the wardrobe stylist for the after photos apparently wanted the girls to play a more naked version of the “take this roll of toilet paper and make me into a mummy” game that I frequently participated in at 5th grade sleepovers.

The next day is rainy and gloomy and icky. Of course, this week’s photo shoot happens to be outdoors on a boat with the Brooklyn Bridge and skyline as a backdrop. Oh how these models have to brave the elements! The big surprise is that the girls will be modeling Elle Macpherson lingerie and… surprise! Elle herself is in the house! (Or, I suppose, on the boat.) Elle seems super nice – not at all divaish – and spends a lot of time interacting with the girls and giving them advice.

“You can’t handle the truth!”

Whitney gets strapped into a weird garment that’s half corset/half skirt but is clearly sucking in her entire bottom half. Her shots are initially really stiff, but who can blame her? Lauren feels awkward and not sexy so Jay gives her a rah-rah “beauty comes within” speech.

Allison goes on again about how her modeling experience is going to help her rock this competition. Her poses are too rehearsed and Jay’s not so happy about it. She’s been getting so much screen time this episode that I’ve been thinking all along that she’ll probably be in the final two, but this solidifies it.

The direction for Dominique’s shoot is peppered with words like “catalogue” and “commercial.” Anyone who’s anyone knows those words are the kiss of death. Dominique, come on down! You’ll be joining Allison in the final two! I think this is gonna be Allison’s warning to keep her ego in check and she’ll get to stick around – Dominique’s the one who will be booted.

Panel with Tyra and the crew. Ms. Jay got a little glitter happy, covering up the spots where Kimberly and Atalya’s names used to be, and also decided his brows needed some more definition. Seriously, I’m more and more convinced that his true calling is to teach elementary school.

Let’s just hope he didn’t start munching on some paste too, because he’s the comic relief on this show

Amis gets called in front of the panel. Really, with all the crap Dominique’s been getting for looking like a transvestite, I’m pretty sure Amis can inherit the crown if Dominique gets kicked off this week. This hair is not working for her. She really does look like a man with a wig.

She still claims it makes her looks sexy and does all sorts of ridiculous pouts and poses for the judges. Enough of this, lets see everyone’s best shot

Nigel loves the eyes but thinks the body needs some work. The photographer from the shoot agrees.

Lauren likes her eyes and Tyra agrees. Hoolia’s opinion: What’s the deal with the light through her arm? Would that really get put into an ad?

All the judges love it. The photographer says that once Marvita loosened up at the shoot, her pictures were great.

Tyra loves the eyebrow – says it’s very Christy Turlington, but tells Claire that she needs to learn to relax her mouth.

Tyra thinks she looks like Iman. All the judges criticize her stiff legs and Tyra does the robot in an attempt to demonstrate Fatima’s waist-and-up-only modeling.

Paulina says she looks too mail-order bride and the judges agree. Hoolia’s opinion: Maybe if you didn’t stick her in bridal lingerie, she wouldn’t look so mail-order-bride.

Mizz Jay wants Stacy-Ann to extend her neck and Tyra says she wants to see more of that Paulina-esque jaw.

Holy cellulite! Aren’t these pictures supposed to be photoshopped? Tyra criticizes Dominique for not tucking her booty under. More words like “newspaper” and “commercial” get thrown around. Oh and also, Dominique looks scary as hell at panel.

I apologize in advance for the night terrors that will occur as a result of that picture. It sort of looks like someone melted a novelty Halloween mask of Nixon directly onto her face.

My video feed skips entirely over Aimee’s critique so I have no idea what anyone said except I heard Nigel mention her skin. Sorry guys!

Paulina thinks there’s great energy but that she doesn’t look very beautiful. Tyra thinks it’s fierce.

Tyra tells Allison how soft and pretty she looks in person. “I know!” Allison giggles. Nigel reminds Allison about the importance of please and thank you and Allison just continues to laugh without saying a word. Nice. Tyra thinks her eyes are dead in the shot. Nigel thinks she has all the elements to be a good model but that she’s not utilizing any of them. Hoolia thinks the reddish hair and turquoise lingerie combo makes her look like the Little Mermaid.

Tyra’s really pissed that Whitney got stuffed into the corset skirt. She wanted to see some booty, stomach, and legs. Luckily, Tyra concedes that this isn’t Whitney’s fault so hopefully she’ll be sticking around for another week.

The judges deliberate and nothing of consequence is really said or done… until Tyra starts talking about Whitney’s booty and makes Ms. Jay and Nigel grab her own booty.

Ms. Jay: All this junk in the trunk without Brazilian butt implants?

Tyra: I’m gonna make it shake like a bowl full of jelly!

Nigel: No, really love. This is making me sick.

Who’s going to move on? The girls get called: Lauren, Marvita, Aimee, Claire, Stacy-Ann, Fatima, Anya, Whitney, Katarzyna, and Amis. Final two: Domique and Allison.

Dominique’s results aren’t matching her confidence. Allison’s too cocky and doesn’t know how to say thank you. Dominique gets to stay (wow) while Allison bursts into tears. Tyra says that Dominique’s going to get a re-makeover to get the hair color that she was originally supposed to have. Huh? What? Did her hair color get screwed up during the makeover? A little explanation would be nice, Tyra. Jay dramatically tears Allison’s name off his vest. Sayonara, girl.

That’s all for this week. Are you sad to see Allison go? What did you guys think of the makeovers? Whose was the best? Whose was laughably hideous? Are you sad that Marvita doesn’t resemble the donkey from Shrek as much anymore?