America’s Next Top Model: Do You Believe?

This week on a very special ANTM, we get some insights on personal convictions and beliefs. It’s so great when we see one of the girls stand up for what they believe in. Strong stuff, no? Well, not so much when we’re talking about resident airhead Kimberly and her personal crusade against expensive high fashion. What’d you think you were signing yourself up for, sweets?

That giant forehead is filled with some mighty big ideas.

The girls arrive in NYC and spew forth all that crap about how excited they are to be here, etc, etc. Marvita randomly chats about how she used to be homeless and how that makes her really glad to be here and have this opportunity. (Blatant foreshadowing? On the CW? On a reality show? Impossible!) Kim talks about how people think she’s a dumb blonde but she’s actually really down-to-earth. Do you think someone should clue her in that the two aren’t mutually exclusive? And that being down-to-earth doesn’t necessarily make you smart? Way to prove your own point, Kim. Kim feels really special, “exspecially” because there are so many girls that would love to be in her spot right now.

The girls all gather at some random empty cafe. Amis (nee Amy) explains to the group why she changed her name and her reasons are a) because it sounds like Amy and b) because it’s in the Bible. Hold up. So the same girl that was all about showing her pubic hair in the last episode is now suddenly a Bible thumper? Hold up again. Amis is the name of someone in the Bible? Jesus? Of course. David or John? Sure. But Amis? I know I’m a lapsed Catholic and all, but I don’t exactly remember that name coming up during 8 years of Sunday school. A quick chat with my esteemed colleagues Pastor Google and Rabbi Wikipedia tell me that sure enough, Amis does not turn up anywhere in the Bible but AMOS was a shepherd. Results for Amis include an indigenous language of Taiwan and also an internet service provider in Croatia and Slovenia. There’s your fun fact of the day. Drop that one into conversation when you’re chatting it up with some hottie at the bar tonight. You’re welcome.

Some guy shows up looking like he’s straight off the slopes (you haven’t heard about the great skiing in Manhattan?) and tells the girls he has a “tube” for them. Well, bow chicka bow wow! Is that a “tube” in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

“Do you think I could use the tube as a stripper pole?”

Inside the tube are directions to the new loft and the girls race out the door with excited screams. As usual, the house is decked out with photos of winners past, and of course, the massive shrines to Tyra herself. We’ve also got the requisite runway with video feedback so the girls can practice. Amis and Anya prance down it while Amis looks at the screen, exclaiming “It’s you and I in the future?” Really Amis? Closed circuit TV = future?

“We’re off to see the Wizard! I’m going to ask for a brain!”

Claire is miffed by the bedroom situation – there’s only one small bedroom with six single beds. Yay! Another twist! This week’s contest is going to slice out half the contestants! More wishful thinking on my part I guess, because the reality is that the other girls (all 8 of them!) are going to have to sleep together on a giant couch bed in what appears to be a living room. Maybe the producers had the foresight to see how lame this season’s cast would be and figured that 8 girls sharing a bed together would either produce major drama or an orgy… both of which would probably boost the ratings. The girls slither all over the bed, which leads me to believe that it will probably be the latter. Kudos, producers.

There’s also “inspirational” quotes all over the walls from previous top model contestants. These are of the junior high teenybopper “Everything happens for a reason” persuasion, like Season 1 Robin’s “If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything.” Way to get philisophical on us, Tyra.

Finally! Our first taste of some possible drama. The doors to the house are covered with a big no smoking sign, but Kim, Amis, and Fatima all head outside for a cigarette. This makes Atalya (who?) really mad. Yay, confrontation time! Some of the girls corner Kim who explains that smoking isn’t going to make her any less of a model. Marvita nods understandingly. And… scene? Come on, producers. You hear reality stars complain ALL THE TIME about how misrepresented they are becuase hours and hours of footage get edited into a single show. And all ANTM gives us are would-be fights? Lame.

When the girls huddle in the kitchen, Amis starts running her mouth, which makes Fatima so mad that she turns into a pirate.

Give me your tired, your poor, your swashbucklers yearning to breathe free. Arrr!!

Fatima is SO incensed about this, that she calls Amis (…wait for it…) a CLOWN! Oh no she didn’t! Cue dramatic music. Cue slamming of microwave doors. Cue Fatima halfheartedly apologizing for offending anyone. Cue unnecessary commentary from a wholly uninvolved Marvita. Cue Amis storming out of the room. Cue me falling asleep on my couch.

The Jays stop in to tell the girls that they’ll be going on a tour of NYC for the day and hey, look! Before arriving at the ANTM loft, Ms. Jay totally dropped by my Ugly Christmas Sweater party!

So sweet of you to come, Ms. Jay! Kisses!

The tour ends up in Times Square where the big surprise is that the girls will be modeling in an impromptu Badgley Mischka runway show. Backstage, the girls rush to get ready for the show. Marvita explains that she’s so nervous that she’s calm. Other things Marvita may be: so bitchy that she’s nice and so self-righteous that she’s humble.

Show time! Now, I fully admit I’m no expert at analyzing these runway walks but seriously, Marvita bombs. She looks like she’s pissed off and in a hurry to get somewhere. She commits the major runway faux-paux of looking down while she walks. Ms. Jay is not pleased. More useless interviews with Atalya. Seriously, who? I don’t even remember this girl from last week. Could this be major foreshadowing that she’ll be off or in the final two this week so the CW is giving her ample but useless screentime? I vote yes.

Most of the other girls walk down with no problems. Kim complains that her runway outfit consists of $500 shorts and a $700 bag. This bothers her because she doesn’t think people should spend so much money on an outfit. Ummm okay, then what are you doing on this show again? Not that I’m regularly dropping $500 on shorts (probably because I’m a skirt girl) but I still don’t think those prices are that outrageously expensive for high end stuff, especially for the bag. And just because you, personally, might not spend that much money on an outfit doesn’t mean that no one should spend that much money on an outfit. Kimberly’s like that kid in college that doesn’t drink and is so sanctimonious that she believes no one else should be drinking either and she spends her time personally campaigning about the evils of alcohol to everyone on her floor.

On top of all of this, most people don’t go out and buy the exact outfits in Vogue fashion spreads – the ones that are so expensive that they are labeled “price upon request.” Rather, normal people just incorporate some of the ideas into their own wardrobe, whatever the budget. Didn’t you see Meryl Streep’s monologue about cerulean and its effect on the fashion food chain in The Devil Wears Prada? That’s enough Kim. Stop being lame. I initially had marginal hopes for you because you were from WooSTAH and since I went to college in Boston, I’m familiar with the ridiculousness that is the WooSTAH accent. I figured we could get some laughs out of you, but no. Alright, I’m done with you. Next!

Amis continues to embrace her inner weirdness by walking like a hunchback and giving sassy hair flips. “I don’t belong here, I’m a ragamuffin!” she interviews.

Watchoo talkin’ about Willis?

Trouble’s a’brewing backstage. When the show’s over, the girls head back to change out of their outfits, and Fatima randomly spazzes her arm out and slaps Marvita in the face. Fatima realizes what she did, looks Marvita in the face, laughs at her, and then walks away without apologizing. Now, I’m certainly not Marvita’s biggest fan, but this was pretty ridiculous. It didn’t seem over-the-top intentional, but it would be a pretty unlikely accident. I’m hoping for an all out catfight with hair pulling and nails scratching. But no. Instead, Fatima gets all “Sweetie, you don’t even matter to me” and Marvita gets all “Fatima’s just trying to provoke me because I’m the biggest threat here” and that’s all she wrote. ANTM, you’re such a tease.

The girls arrive back at the house to see blinking ticker tape announcing Tyra mail. Huh? In one of the funnier moments of this episode, the girls all shout out the words in unison as they scroll across the screen. Of course, whoever programmed this ticker tape rightly assumed that these girls would be dumb as rocks and set up the words so that they crawl by at a snail’s pace. There’s plenty of pauses as it takes them an hour to read a two sentence Tyra mail.

“Hooked. On. Phonics. Worked. For. Me!”

The next morning the girls head over to the Elite agency where they will be evaluated on their modeling potential by Paulina Porzkova, this season’s newest supermodel judge to replace the departing Twiggy. She claims she’s gonna be truthful and hurtful. Sharpen up those claws, Paulina, let’s hear what you’ve got to say!

We only get to see four of her critiques but nothing too bitchy or hurtful. Dominique yet again gets called out for being a transvestite. She definitely has strong, boxy features so I don’t see why she always yanks her hair back so tightly off her face cause it only enhances it. Let the waves flow, girl! It will make your whole face look softer. I hope Tyra chops off all of her hair in the makeover ep just to keep Dominique from repeatedly pulling it back so much. Paulina senses that Kim has a dark side, which I don’t really see because she looks like Skipper. (The scrunched facial features? So not Barbie.) Then there’s some funky editing where Paulina looks to be telling Marvita how similar they are because they are both Polish, but I’m pretty sure she was talking to Katarzyna. Smooth move, editors.

Black is the new Polish

Time to head over to the first photo shoot. In the cab ride over, Fatima seemingly comes out of nowhere to tell Marvita that she has a small, squished, face. First of all, Ms. Nostrils has nothing small about her face. Marvita agrees: “This ho is trippin’!”

Over at the photoshoot, Mr. Jay surprises the girls in an alley to tell them that they will be posing with homeless youth for the photoshoot. Say what now? The not-so-exciting twist is that the homeless kids will be dressed in the high fashion stuff while the ANTM girls will be dressed in street clothes.

Now, this whole shoot just strikes me as too weird and pretentious. So you’re gonna bring in some homeless “models” and dress them up in clothes that costs thousands of dollars (which Kim will pout about) and then just ship them back to their shelter? But then my confusion multiplies exponentially because when the girls are chatting it up with the homeless “models,” one of them reveals that she’s a fashion designer. A homeless fashion designer? Really? Come on Tyra, help a sister out!

Atalya’s first up and, much like her character on this show, she doesn’t really do anything. Allison embraces her pilates training to make all sorts of poses that look like she’s sitting on an imaginary toilet. When it’s Fatima’s turn, she talks about how kids used to make fun of her because she was homeless. Hold on a minute Fatima, you’ve already cornered the market on female genital mutilation. You think you can just slap Marvita in the face and then steal her “I was homeless” right out from under her? How many “serious issues” can this girl claim to have suffered from for camera time? One more, girl, and you’ll have yourself a hat trick.

Fatima makes a bunch of sad pouty faces which Mr. Jay eats up, but I think she really just looks like one of those Precious Moments dolls that my Nana collects.

It’s all in the eyes, no?

After Fatima’s shot, she has a heart to heart with Marvita and the girls realize they’re more similar than they thought. Fatima apologizes and Marvita interviews that now things between them are all good. The chances that this is blatant foreshadowing that the girls will have a fight in the near future – most likely next week? 100% certain.

Dominique confides to her presumably gay male makeup artist that everyone tells her she looks like a drag queen. “Well, people are always mistaking me for a man, too,” he tells her. Oh, snap! Someone hire this guy as a regular! We need some comic relief up in here. After all, that’s how Mr. Jay got his start after all. Season 1? Makeup artist. Season 2? Photo shoot director extraordinaire.

Stacy-Ann smiles and giggles when she talks about how much it would suck to be homeless. Is this girl ever not giggling through every word she says? Mr. Jay gives Claire props for posing like she’s selling the garment in every frame – although, wasn’t the point of this shoot that the ANTM girls would be dressed in street clothes? Can I get a printed copy of the official rules of this shoot please?

Amis is up. She goofs around and pretty much just giggles and hops. Is she trying to get booted off this show as fast as possible? Katarzyna gets all made up for her shoot and Stacy-Ann tells her how hot she looks, and that if Katarzyna really was homeless, she wouldn’t be homeless for long! I guess that’s supposed to give hope to all those homeless girls out there. Don’t be fooled into thinking there’s a glass ceiling that you can’t break through. You can always step it up from homeless to hooker. *The more you know*

Kimberly gets annoyed when people tell her what to do all the time and gets peeved when Jay does his job by directing her on the shoot. He tells her to be more expressive because her face looks the same in every shot. Kimberly’s totally logical answer is that she didn’t want to smile because she’s trying to look homeless. So Kimberly thinks that the only two poses in modeling are smiling and not smiling? Seriously, someone call those clerks down in the Reality TV mailroom and see what show she actually intended to apply to. Since she wants to be pretty all the time, acts her shoe size, and is toting around a life-sized ego, I’m going to go with Super Sweet 16.

Jay tells Lauren to embrace her awkwardness. Aimee just hopes that someone did worse then her. Oh never fear, doll, you’ve had very minimal screentime this week which means that obviously, you’re not going to get cut. Marvita’s shoot is fairly uneventful. Jay thanks the real homeless girls for taking time out of their busy schedules of sitting on the sidewalk and shaking a styrofoam cup of change. Okay really he just says, “Thanks for hanging out!” before turning on his heel, but it’s nearly as condescending.

Tyra ticker tape (say that one five times fast) announces that the girls will meet with the judges tomorrow. Amis totally doesn’t think she’s going home, which of course means she’ll be one of the bottom two. Atalya and Claire talk about the impending elimination and Atalya doesn’t want to go home becuase she’s learning to be independent. No clips of the other girls discussing the judging. Yep, Atalya and Amis are the final two for sure.

Kim sits on the big bed and talks to Fatima about how she loves modeling, photoshoots, and the runway but that she just doesn’t believe in high fashion. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I don’t know where to begin. Please scroll on up to my earlier rant about how the effects of high fashion are not always expensive. Also, high fashion isn’t something intangible that you can choose to “believe” in, like faith or love or Santa Claus or that feeling that this tequila shot might be one too many. High fashion exists. It’s out there in this world whether you choose to believe in it or not. Kim admits that she sounds crazy. Tell me something I don’t know. Fatima listens, but is too busy judging to be bothered to verbalize a response.

Time for panel and we get to see the room for the first time. It looks Asian themed, decorated with deep jewel tones and henna tattoo-like designs. Maybe some foreshadowing that the group will be heading to India this season? Where they’ll do some more homeless posing on the dirt streets of Calcutta? Dare to dream, Gasmii. Dare to dream.

Tyra recaps the prizes and they’re the same as last season: A contract with Elite, a contract with Cover Girl, and a 6 page spread in Seventeen. Remember the good old days where the girls got to pose in more legit fashion magazines like Marie Claire and Jane (RIP)? Ah, memories. Time to get reacquainted with the judges. Nigel looks less cute than usual and kind of like he has a gap between his front teeth. Has that always been there? Ms. Jay is wearing some kind of velcro vest that has the names of all of the girls on it, which he will rip off every time a girl is eliminated. This sort of reminds me of a chart that my 3rd grade teacher had to determine who was line leader for the week. Maybe between that and the campy Christmas sweater, Ms. Jay is sending silent messages (through fashion, obviously) that he wants out his contract so he can pursue his true passion of being an elementary school teacher. That must be it.

And all in rainbow order, no less

Tyra recaps the assignment and says that homelessness is an issue near and dear to her heart. In a montage that screams CROSS-PROMOTION. “About a year ago, on my talk show – THE TYRA BANKS SHOW – I was homeless for a day.” Wow, way to really rough it Tyra. A whole 24 hours of being homeless? And you lived to tell about it? You truly deserve a purple heart, my friend.

Slummin’ it

Critique time. I’m not even going to pretend to know what makes a good or bad picture, so unless I find something that’s highly obvious to me, I’ll just rehash what our experts say. Cool? Cool.

Lauren comes up and has an okay shot, but Nigel criticizes her for being too nervous. Paulina defends her and some old-judge new-judge rivalry ensues. Yawwwwwn. Just wake me up when they’re down to the final too, mmmkay?

Anya’s turn and the judges all agree that she has a great shot. Tyra says that the other girls should be scared because she’s already so good. Thankfully, Anya spares my ears and does not utter a single word of her horrifying hah-why-een accent.

Paulina thinks Amis looks like an inexperienced model looking into the light. Nigel’s mad because she’s so expressive and has a lot of personality in front of the judges and wants that translated to the camera.

Holy crap, Aimee’s best shot doesn’t even look like her! I guess that’s the power of air brushing and a good makeup artist. All the judges like it, Tyra especially.

Fatima rocks her Precious Moments look and all of the judges absolutely love it. I still think it looks totally ridiculous. Tyra tells Fatima that her film sucked and her poses were too stiff.

Drag Queen Dominique saunters her dragalicious ass (Ms. Jay’s words – not mine) up to the judges. They like it, but tell her she squatted too much and that she needs to stand up and make angles.

Allison gets slammed because the real homeless girls outshine her. It’s true – in her best shot, she looks like she’s about to nod off to sleep at any moment. The pilates training gets brought up again and Tyra says that because of that, Allison might be why she’s overthinking things. I’m pretty sure Tyra’s mixing up pilates and yoga, but whatever.

Whitney’s shot is awesome. Even though she wasn’t featured too much in this episode, she’s still my favorite in terms of looks. Tyra rambles on about an imaginary wind machine and Paulina agrees. Yay Whitney.

Marvita gets reprimanded by Ms. Jay about looking down during her walk at the fashion show. Lucky for her, the judges love her best shot, Nigel especially.

Tyra butchers Katarzyna’s name for about the tenth time in two episodes. Not too much to say from the judges, other than the fact that they love her cheekbones.

Claire has great film, but Ms. Jay thinks her awkward hand placement over her stomach makes her look like she’s about to fart. I don’t think she looks much like herself in this shot – her eyes and nose have an Ashlee Simpson (post-nose job) look.

Atalya looks bored in her shot. Nigel doesn’t think she’s selling the message. Tyra thinks everyone else outshines her.

Stacy-Ann saunters down the runway as Ms. Jay reenacts her la la la la la striptease song from last week. Thanks, Ms. Jay! Paulina thinks her shot looks too 90s and Tyra says that she doesn’t mix up her poses enough.

Last but not least is Kimberly. Kimberly’s the first girl to get critiqued on her outfit which isn’t anything too outlandish. Tyra obviously thinks that it sucks and demands that she take off the stretchy headband. Ms. Jay tells her that at the runway show she looked like a “squished up snotty old snotty nose rag” and that she looked like she didn’t want to be there. Tyra puts it to her. “Do you want to be here?” she asks Kimberly. Kimberly responds that, if she’s being honest, the whole fashion industry doesn’t interest her at all. Woooo boy are the judges mad!

Tyra asks her why she came here, and Kimberly says “To express pictures.” Thanks yet again for making zero sense, Kimberly. The other girls shake their heads in shock as Kimberly prattles on about not knowing anything about designers. Tyra tries her best to lay on some guilt by talking about how she had to leave six girls crying during casting last week. Kimberly shares her personal anti-high fashion religion with Tyra and explains her precious beliefs. Tyra tells her that as a model, she doesn’t have to wear high fashion. Kimberly says she knows this. There’s not really much of a response to this so Tyra somewhat sarcastically asks her if she just wants to go home. Kimberly says yeah. Whoa now! This should really set Tyra off. I’m hoping for a “there’s nothing I hate more in life than quitters” speech like the one she gave Ebony last season. So what awesome bitchy catty comeback does Tyra have in store for us? “Alright, go home” she tells Kimberly. Dammit, Tyra! You can do better than this! I’ve seen it!

Kimberly about-faces right out of the room and Tyra shows her picture which apparently all the judges think is one of the best. I disagree.

I think Kimberly just did her best “dead eyes” which according to Mr. Jay’s on set critique is all that she could do. But if the judges admitted her picture sucked, there wouldn’t be as much irony in her leaving. Jay tears her picture into pieces. Voiceover Tyra reveals that there’s still going to be an elimination even though Kimberly walked out.

After the judges rehash everything we’ve just seen, it’s elimination time. The girls get called up in the following order: Anya, Claire, Whitney, Lauren, Aimee, Fatima, Marvita, Katarzyna, Stacy-Ann, Dominique, and Allison. Of course, the final two are Atalya and Amis. Atalya’s pretty and not high fashion. Amis is interesting and edgy but can’t bring it to her pics. Amis prevails.

That’s it for this week. Were you shocked with Kimberly’s exit or was it as anti-climatic for you as it was for me? Still loving the same people you were last week? Team Marvita or Team Fatima in the battle of the bitches? Next week, it’s makeover time and I’m pretty sure that even Tyra can’t screw that up. Like pizza and sex, even when it’s bad, it’s good. Till next time, Gasmii!