America’s Next Top Model: Drink, Drank, Drunk

Ah, Gasmii, don’t you just love technology? Especially the kind of technology that makes your computer crap out on you during the best, most interesting, most exciting (read: boozy) episode of ANTM this season? My apologies, kiddos. I’m gonna keep this week’s ep to a wee-cap because really, do you need me to hammer home anymore that Marjorie gets nervous and Sam struggles to look like a model and Nigel is drop dead sexy? I’m pretty sure you’ve got all of those messages loud and clear by now. Instead, I’m gonna try a bit of a different format which will hit the main, hysterical points on the head. This way, I can save my energy and snark for tonight’s finaaaaale and barring another crash of my hard drive, I promise to have that to you in a more timely manner than I’ve been posting lately. In fact, if not, I’ll make arrangements to have a special gift sent instead…

Throwing some juicy meat at you because Nigel Bear is going into winter hibernation after tonight…

Kissy Kissy Challenge!

P-Dubs!!!! So happy you’re getting more screen time, even though you’re looking like you rolled out of the wrong side of the coffin to join us.

CW? I watch television to escape my life, not to be reminded that I am freaking terrified of aging.

Well, this week’s lesson is that models frequently need to sell whatever it is that they’re hawking without using words. This means that the girls have to pretend that nasty room-temp dead fish smell like roses. Why do I feel like male models/Elina would excel at this challenge? McKey’s excited because the smell of dead fish reminds her of the beach in the morning. Sadly, this is not that inaccurate of a description of our hometown shoreline. Lake Michigan Mackerel all over the sand. I, however, don’t hold the same nostalgia for the odor that McKey does. Let’s see how each girl decides to sell that eau de herring:

My vote is for Margie and her “(ph)ish makes me feel kinda stoned” rendition. Perhaps she actually went and smoked a bit. In which case, I say, it’s about damn time!

As much as I love talking about ways to pretend that the smell of dead fish doesn’t make me want to gag, let’s get to the legit challenge. The girls get to audition for a Dutch commercial for a running shoe where they get to jog alongside a taxi. Said taxi happens to be chauffeuring around an extremely attractive gentlemen. High on endorphins, our Modelistas are so inspired by his smoldering good looks that they decide to lay a big smackeroo on him. The actor in this commercial will be played by none other than male supermodel extraordinaire Mark Vanderloo. (Cripes, I’m starting to sound like Tyra, aren’t I?) Sam’s acting like a junior high kid who’s playing her first game of spin the bottle as she debates such classics like tongue or no tongue, close-mouthed or open-mouthed, to pounce or not to pounce.

In the end, it’s mostly irrelevant because Sam takes a cue from Whitney and hams it up complete with an exaggerated mouthing of “Oh! My! God!” Tsk, Tsk Sam. Analeigh comes across as super natural and gets bonus points from me for grabbing Vanderloo’s face in a really sexy way before diving into the kiss. As McKey runs, you can hear all the shit rattling around inside that empty head of hers and it’s reflected on her face. Really, I think the girl forgets what she’s doing halfway en route for some mouth to mouth. Margie decides that it’s best to flash some fang.

“All the better to eat your face with, my dear!”

At this point in the show, I start to heckle my TV because the much-touted preview of Margie attacking a male with her face was just for the audition! BOO! Tyra, you had me all worked up for the one episode of the season that promised sex and booze! I feel like I’ve been played. Even moreso when Marge, her crazy face, and her canines pull away with the win. Wait, really? Because if that’s how Dutch women act when they see attractive men, someone needs to consult with ten-year-old Hoolia. That’s right, I’ve been a serial crusher since kindergarten and it only took me a couple years to figure out that acting like a lunatic is not the way to go. There are a myriad of other ways to embarrass yourself in front of gentlemen. Margie? Care to show me what else you’ve got hidden up your magenta sleeve?

FALLING OFF THE VOLKSWAGEN:

With a free night before their second to last photo shoot, Margie decides it’s time to knock clogs with some gentlefolk. Conveniently, those four boys that piloted the girls down canals last week are down for coming over. “Please bring wine! I need Pinot NEW-ACH!” she demands. It’s a completely irrational pet peeve of mine when English speaking people say foreign words with the original, intended accent. I don’t care if Marjorie’s a native French speaker – it comes off as pretentious. You don’t have to agree with me. This recap is my world. You just read in it.

And now, for this week’s interactive game – which one of these things doesn’t belong! Subtitle: How many ways is Margie excluded from the rest of the Fab Four? First, I’m pretty sure she’s the only girl without a boyfriend. I know for sure that we’ve heard references to Sam’s guy as well as McKey’s. Margie is apparently also the only one who drinks. And so begins a recipe for disaster. And by disaster, I mean AWESOMEFUNTIME! I’m also gonna go so far as to say that Margie’s the only virgin of the crew. If this girl had ever gotten some P in her, she wouldn’t be nearly as uptight (rimshot!). And when I say “P,” I ain’t talking about no Pinot NEWACH!

Oh hey! I just got a message delivered in my box. (That’s what she said.) It reads: “Margie: Lips over teeth. Fondly, Men Everywhere.”

Margie’s taking gulp after gulp of booze and declares “Wine’s My Friend!” Margie, I’ve already written you off for the season but that’s just about the best attempt you could make to get back in my good graces. The Top Model house must not come stacked with stemware because Margie precedes to drink lots of wine out of cups only slightly larger than a shot glass.

“Lets see… I taste a scrawny body with an undercurrent of Eurodouche, a hint of hair gel undertones, and an oaky afterbirth.”

The evening starts out all fun and innocent. You know, with charades, men in high heels, full-body wrestling. Seriously, McKey, for a chick with a boyfriend, you sure seem to have no problem shoving other men’s heads directly into your crotch. For those of you following my feelings on this episode, right now, I’m split between the snarky recapper side of myself and the American female side. Recapper Hoolia is sitting on her couch going OMFG there is no way this can lead to anywhere good. Real life Hoolia is tenser than Margie because she knows what the majority of sleazeball Europeans think of American women. Especially us young ladies who are so darn cute and wide-eyed about the world. These wannabe Lotharios think that USA actually stands for “United Sluts of America” and that having an accent automatically qualifies them for a visa valid for multiple reentries. Ladies, let’s all remember to give thanks to Britney Spears next Thursday for saddling us with this lovely reputation.

Eh, I’m over it because I know (hope?) that the presence of camera people would prevent any inappropriate shenanigans from occurring. The downward spiral continues as one of the greasy Dutch guys starts to chug directly from the bottle. I know that’s when my evenings always start to get good. One of the Dutchies dares Marjorie to pick a boy and “kiss him as much as possible in ten seconds.” How do you kiss someone as much as possible? Like in as many places? Or are you trying to reach a certain number of seperate kisses? I’m intrigued. And maybe I take things too literally. But really, I’d like to know. Margie slips Dutch Elvis some tongue and Sam coos and oohs from the sidelines like the inappropriate Mom in Mean Girls.

You girls keep me young!

From here the scene deteriorates even further when Margie climbs into the bathcoozi in her clothes while her Dutchie bathes in his skivvies. Analeigh notes that the situation is messy and starts going all Mother Hen on Margie. I’m again reminded of the fact that these girls are so young. First, they actually still think they have a responsiblity from keeping their inebriated friends from acting like crunk assholes. Aw, cute! At this point, mis amigas y yo can barely be bothered to leave the bar for a hot second to hail a cab and send our fallen comrade home. And that’s after photographic evidence of sloppy drunk has been secured. Second, Analeigh involves the entire house in the decision and the scene turns into some weird group intervention to get Margie out of the tub and to send the boys home. A bit of discretion if you’re really so concerned, eh Analeigh? No need to call so much attention to the fact that Margie’s more tanked than the tub that she’s relaxing in. Make up a lie to get her out of there, gently guide her to bed, and let her pass out on her side with the trash can next to her bed. No need to make a scene.

And so ends the evening of debauchery. The next morning Margie hugs Analeigh and I initially think this is a “Hey, sorry I was such a drunk asshole last night” apology hug. Marge interviews that she had a good time last night and it was great to be around other people. Well, tug at my heartstrings why don’t you! I’m definitely starting to part with my sympathy vote because it really must be hard to be basically sequestered in seclusion for so many weeks. The only people these girls are regularly interacting with is the circus that is the Jays and Tyra. I’m pretty sure that’s almost worse than solitary confinement. But then Margie says that because she was the only girl drinking, she knew she could depend on the others to take care of her. HA! (Margie’s guffaw, not mine.) Margie, it’s your time. Find whatever planet you belong on, grow up a good five to ten years or so, get laid, and then get back to me. Maybe we’ll have an ounce of common ground at that point.

CIAO, CHERIE!

This week’s photo shoot is pretty lackluster – the girls get glam hair and makeup in the “gorgeous!” Dutch countryside. Which to me looks like Wisconsin with windmills. Let’s assess the final shots:

Sam had struggled at the shoot and couldn’t find her rhythm until the last seven frames but I think it turned out quite nice, no?

McKey climbed all over her set and thrilled Jay to pieces. Except for the creepy excessive white eye makeup, I think she rocked it. Tyra love love loves her balance of strong and feminine.

Everybody gushes over how Analeigh’s jump echoes the windmill in the background. This one truly is a bit of modeling genius.

And finally, Margie decided to hit the bottle before panel and Nigel can smell the whiskey on her breath from all the way behind his ginormous table. Not really, but he can definitely tell something’s up with her and doesn’t look too happy about it. Mizz Jay loves how editorial the shot looks and Tyra says most of America won’t get it. Well, count me in with the masses because I think everything about this shot – the hair and stiff pose, in particular – is going to give me nightmares.

And it comes down to too-nervous-too-conformist Margie and Sam who still doesn’t know what a model looks like. Margie unsurprisingly gets the boot.

So now. How do we feel about the final three? I know there were a few Margie supporters out there – do you think she deserved to go or should Sam have gotten kicked off? Were you surprised that out of four girls, none of them knew what it meant to go Dutch? Can you define “kiss someone as much as possible” in your own words for me? Do you think Margie was really as drunk as she appeared or was it sneaky editing? Was Analeigh being sweet or annoying or a little of both? Was there a whole lot of sexual innuendo in this episode or is my mind sitting alone in the gutter?

AND OF COURSE… who is your money on for the winner? I think that if McKey can pass the CG commercial (and she just might because her print ad will be the bomb), she’s got this in the bag. Plus, I gotta root for my hometown girl! But if she doesn’t win, it will definitely be Analeigh. 200 to 1 odds on Sam. Thanks for your patience, enjoy tonight, and I’ll catch you guys soon!