Guest Columnist: America’s Next Top Model

[Editor's Note: As we look to expand the range of shows TVgasm covers, we are going to be trying out different writers to see what kind of feedback we get. Your favorites will get a chance at writing for TVgasm on a more permanent basis. Today's guest columnist is Jadedbitch, who is doing America's Next Top Model. E-mail us with any feedback or if you think you would like to write.]

We start off with Kelle the ugly duckling moaning on the phone to her father about the lack of
intensity in her eyes and her general bad looks. She then went on to whine, “Why do I have to
be black, daddy? WHY WHY WHY?” Well, not really. But if her father had been watching the show
for the past few weeks, he would’ve gotten the gist, along with the rest of America.Meanwhile, Amanda the blind girl was busy cleaning the apartment, while chanting her own made-up mantra that went something along the lines of, “Trash, trash, trash. Trash, trash trash.” Good one ladies – making the blind chick do the housework. Cassie, it was noted, was the messiest of the bunch.

Tyra then showed up and dove into bed with some of the girls. Norelle apparently enjoyed Tyra’s body rubbing up against hers as a morning wake-up call but then I guess who wouldn’t. Doing this proved Tyra was a “real person” as Norelle praised to the camera. Yeah, cause that’s how real people look.

Following was a pep rally on body image, complete with guest plus-sized model, Kate Dillon. The sight of her made Tocarro drool like a plus-sized model at a Vegas buffet. “That’s gonna be ME!” she shouted. The group then talked about eating disorders followed by Tyra’s two cents that the girls needed to stay in shape and that their careers were temporary. But that’s okay, if their modelling careers start to go downhill, they can always produce a reality television show or release a really bad R&B song.

Cassie revealed that she had thrown up in the past. This worried Tyra and the others, causing Kate Dillon to inform everyone that, “People with eating disorders are HARD CORE.” Thank you Kate for that lovely piece of trivia.

Cassie then called up her boyfriend who sounded just as intelligent as Dullsville Jennipher’s did the week before (re: not very). His responses included a well thought out, “Huh?” and “How?” and regarding her eating disorder, he replied with, “They know? Who?” Apparently he has been helping Cassie back home by holding her hair back over the toilet for her.

Cassie then went into the kitchen to make herself a batch of low carb brownies, creating a mess in the process. Do bulumic girls not know how to clean? I guess when you’re in the middle of a binge, you don’t have time to do the dishes when you’re busy running to the closest bathroom. She-Man Ann decided to write “Clean Your Shit” in the brownies because in an apartment full of women, passive aggressiveness is just not their thing.

The whole brownie incident of course caused Cassie to run around asking everyone, “Did you finger my brownies?” Was I the only immature one here giggling at this? “Someone needs to tell me who stuck their fingers in my brownies!” Stop it, please! I’m close to tears here!

Later at dinner, Yaya sported a t-shirt that had the word Respect written on it in Portuguese. She claimed there was a lack of it in the house. A lack of respect? Or a lack of Portuguese? She then stated that some people thought that killing people was funny but it wasn’t funny. No it is not, Yaya. Right on ya for pointing that one out.

Ann and Cassie had it out at the restaurant, aptly named “Teany.” The climax of their argument consisted of Ann threatening to tattle on Cassie’s bulumia to Miss Tyra. Cassie responded with a smile, a wink, and a shoulder shrug and said,”Actually, I already told her about it today.” Ann then went so far as to say, “Good!” Wow, somebody hose these biatches down. Somebody clip their claws, this is just too ferocious for me! They should’ve kept the girl who started the bar fight in the season opener. Bar fight!! Boo yah!

Back at the apartment, the dishes kept piling up in the sink. Cassie complained that none of them were even hers, as the camera zoomed in on a soaking brownie dish.

The next day, the girls were sent to a Boot Camp inspired obstacle course. (Does anyone even remember this show?) It came complete with an eyebrow-plucked former Captain of the US Marines. Captain Leif Wade is the name he used for this show, and for the multiple gay porns he’s starred in. She-Man Ann was the only one loving this GI Jane re-enactment. They wouldn’t even let Blind Amanda use her seeing-eye cane! Cassie pouted and whined that she no longer wanted to be there anymore – not a wise thing to say as it will clearly get back to Tyra one way or another. She just lay down and took out a little ziplock bag of brownies.

The next “challenge” was a race up 14 flights of stairs. Did Tyra think this one up on her own? Hmm, what would make good television… I know! Let’s have them run up some stairs! That’ll have viewers captivated for at least five minutes! Ah, but the clincher was waiting for them at the top of the stairs: a surprise photo shoot. Everyone was extremely exhausted, and poor Eva nearly gagged. Her gagging noises caught the attention of Cassie, whose ears perked up as she thought she may have found a friend in the house finally! But alas, much like Ashlee Simpson, it was just acid reflux. The pictures of most of the girls came out looking like crack whore profiles. Yaya won the “race” and was rewarded with a facial. Eva said it best: “The person who needed a facial, got the facial.”

The next morning, all arrived at an airplane hangar to meet up with Jay Manuel, who continues to look whiter and whiter as the season progresses. By the end of it he will definitely be a white man. The girls were lined up for an action shot for an energy drink, which involved jumping up and down on a giant trampoline. Why is it that whenever they cut to photos of Tyra, it never has anything to do with what the girls are going through? I thought we’d see Ms. Banks up in the air doing some crazy ass photo shoot, but no, it’s just her. Standing there. Hair blowing in the wind. Again.

Kelle whined to Jay about him telling her she was good when in reality she was terrible. Jay just put his palm up and said, “Talk to the hand girlfriend!” while applying more bleach to his frosted hair.

Yaya avoided doing the dancer thing, which meant she just jumped up and down on a trampoline and ended up getting a shite picture. Kelle’s tits popped out and she cried yet again about how ugly she was. Hon, if your boobs are out, I don’t think anyone is looking at your face. Ann bloodied herself up, apparently still in GI Jane mode, but managed to put on that consistent I’m Ready To Give Head open-mouth look that she’s now so famous for.

Janice Dickinson seems to be shrinking behind those monstrous lips of hers. Soon Tyra will be sitting next to an ad for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. They continue to insist she is the world’s first supermodel. Isn’t that actually an insult? Aren’t they basically saying that she’s a dinosaur? Collagenaurus Rex was her name.

In the end, Kelle was sent home. No longer will we have to watch as she stares into the mirror and cries at her face. No longer will we have to listen to how she grew up in an all-white neighbourhood, even though she’s blacker than black itself. No more snout, no more platypus, no more “my face looks like a monkey!” Bye bye Kelle! And take your internalized hate-on with you!