This week, ANTM flits over to Europe. Which obviously means lots and lots of nudity. Unfortunately, Nigel stays dressed while Mizz Jay’s the one to disrobe. Twice.
P-Dubs: “Ahhhh, so Isis DID teach you a thing or two!”
But before we can hop that flight and cross that pond, we have to suffer through the requisite rehashing of the sheer fear and terror of being in the bottom two. That honor, this week, goes to Elina. She reveals that she doesn’t really think she did that poorly last week and she’s tired of hearing the word “control” in reference to everything she does. Elina, for once, I am 100% in agreement with you. McKey explains that she, Sam, and Sheena would rather have seen Joslyn stay for another week since Elina has a superior attitude to everyone else there. Nice idea in theory, but we’re making reality television here, not evenly matched teams for schoolyard kickball.
Enough babble, let’s hit the road! After the little computer graphic shows our girls crossing the Atlantic, they arrive at the Amsterdam airport. I don’t know why they always run through airports. It seems unnecessary to me. Also, why is Sheena dressed like she’s sponsored by Barbie? I love me some pink, but this is a little much.
Anywho, The “super sexy six” – as they’ve taken to calling themselves – are greeted by a model who is a spitting image of Twiggy. She garbles out something presumably in Dutch and gets dumbfounded looks in return from our girls. She translates – hello and welcome to Amsterdam! Turns out Ms. Twigalike is actually the host of Holland’s Next Top Model, but I’m just gonna call her Twigalike.
Well, Twigalike has a tip for our gals. As a Top Model, they’re going to get to see the world and are going to have to get acquainted to new surroundings. So, Twigalike is sending them out into the city to find their own way to the apartment. Because the producers have such low expectations of the girls’ IQ, they decide to make this a team project and the prize is a collective 50 extra frames at the next shoot. Sheena nearly dislocates McKey’s shoulder, which is apparently the hooch way of calling dibs. As we witnessed in the recap episode, Marjorie and Analeigh have a somewhat sapphic bond, so those two pair up immediately. Elina squeaks out a “Sam!” and runs over to link arms with Samantha like she’s amped that they’re partners. Sam sees right through this and knows that Elina only paired up with her because there was no other option.
The girls get a series of tasks that they have to go through before they get instructions to their apartment. Ah, we’re blatiantly ripping off Amazing Race now, are we Tyra? Step #1? Buy a ticket to the Amsterdam train station. And my goodness, is it just me or should this REALLY not be that difficult? First off, although I admittedly haven’t been to Amsterdam, I’ve been assured that it’s one of the most English-language friendly cities in Europe. I’ve strolled out of airports in countries that don’t even use our alphabet and found my way around. Marjorie decides that now is a good time to drop a truth bomb on all of us, “I know it’s Europe and Euros are used.” Ah, can’t wait for what other gems this pipsqueak will lay on us later. She tries to buy a ticket with American dollars and makes giant leaps and bounds for the reputations of Americans abroad.
(And yes, I know she’s not an American, but any European she interacts with is going to assume she is.)
“Did I finally make it to Earth?”
Sheena’s bamboozled by the metro map because – get this! – it’s different than the New York subway system. Elina can’t run in flip flops, which seems pretty sad to me, so she decides to sprint through the airport barefoot. “It was probably one of the funnest things I’ve ever done.” Elina, sweetie, we have to get you out of the Eastern bloc more if this is your idea of fun. Also, thanks for making sure everyone at the airport thought you were the American idiot who thought it was cool to run through it shoeless. Not kosh. Are Elina and Margie exacting their revenge on our great country by masquerading as us and doing idiotic things abroad? Well played, you two, well played.
After visiting the currency exchange, Analeigh and Margie have missed their train. The other four girls glide into the city and Sheena’s expecting the following: “Grimy! Dirty! Weed! Sex! Alcohol!” Sheena, the producers asked you to sum up your thoughts on Amsterdam. They did NOT ask you to sum up Hoolia’s Halloween Weekend in five words or less. But that’s a story for another day. Nay, another lifetime.
Task number 2 instructs the girls to find ANY public phone for further instructions (emphasis the CW’s, not mine). Sheena sashays off the train with a nasally PARDON ME as she sprints through a crowd of confused schoolchildren. There’s a lead switcheroo which leads to an all out sprint between McKey, Sheena, Sam, and Elina to head into Amsterdam’s main square. Analeigh and Margie are still MIA. Sam and Elina pass what would be my home away from home if I were ever to visit Amsterdam.
Hoolia’s European Culinary Museum Checklist: Pasta museum in Italy? Check. Chocolate Museum in Barcelona? Check. Vodka Museum in Amsterdam? Better Luck Next Time.
Next the girls have to find another phone. Didn’t they just do that? So the next step is to find a phone to go to another phone? These producers make shitty scavenger hunts. To further prove my point, the next step is to take a cab to the house. I mean really fools, just have them get a cab from the airport. A real challenge would have been giving them only a map and an address and forbidding cab rides. Do I have to do everything around here?
At this point, it’s all up to who’s got the best traffic karma. Sheena and McKey get stuck behind some trams slowing them way down to third place. Elina and Sam must have found a driver of the Roman variety because he gets them to the pad quickly and efficiently.
The flat is exactly what I imagine Scandinavia to be like, mostly because it looks like IKEA sponsored it. Large, airy, lofty, spacious. The girls also have a lovely piece of “Tyra Post” waiting for them in a clog. Alas, there is nothing on the cover on par with last cycle’s Mona Tyra portrait. “People used to come to play but fashion makes it hot today.” Sheena guesses the park. Because that’s where the rich and famously fashionable go to strut their stuff.
Just in case we didn’t get the memo that these girls were split between Teem Sameenakey and Team Analinorie, the latter decides to make this division loud and clear by taking – you guessed it! A big ol’ lesbian bath. (Sam’s words, not mine.) McKey dubs it a vajayjay shaving party. While that clearly can’t be seen on television, Analeigh does squeak out a defensive “I’m already clean!” I’m not surprised – she strikes me as the least likely to have same-sex tendencies of any of the girls in the tub. The jacooz party is equal parts lame and tame.
Later, Elina munches on some Nutella and toast while musing that she could see herself living in this city permanently. Sam’s somewhat surprised because the girls haven’t even seen the city yet. WHOOSH! That’s the sound of the temporary friendship between these two going up in flames. That took about four minutes of airtime. Sam points out that Elina hasn’t even seen the city yet. But Elina says that the house feels like the Ukraine. McKey complains that all Elina talks about is Russia. Hmmm… has McKey been bitching the whole time and the editors haven’t shown it? I feel like McKey’s been the dark horse this cycle and we’re finally seeing an ounce of her personality. Does that spell success or doom and gloom?
The girls get bused to their next challenge and Sheena’s face lights up like a neon XXX sign. She literally bounces up and down when retelling the story of how she passed half-naked women in the windows. That’s right, welcome to the red light district, Gasmii! Sheena’s concerned that she might not be able to tone down the sexy. I’m thinking that maybe this whole trip to Amsterdam was just a form of entrapment to get Sheena to act her hoochiest so Tyra would have an excuse to kick her off. Because seriously, as much as Tyra can lecture about how Amsterdam’s a new fashion capital, we all know that’s a load of horsepoop. Or maybe T-Money was just looking out for Sheena and trying to get her hooked up with a job because she knew the Top Model thing wasn’t gonna work out.
The girls stroll up to a bridge where Mizz Jay and a little Dutch boy await them. Mizz Jay lectures the chicas about Red Light Fashion Amsterdam. This community project involves taking brothels and turning them into fashion showrooms. This week’s challenge splits the girls into teams and then encourages them to work together to model a designer’s designs in a brothel window. The teams are as follows: Sheena and Marjorie, McKey and Sam, and Elina and a random Dutch grandma who happened to stroll into the shot.
“HALLO! I am so happy to be on your television show!”
“You’re putting me with WHO?”
Mizz Jay emphasizes teamwork (rah-rah!) because this yet-to-be-named prize is the modeling motherlode. McKey and Sam get paired up with a designer who wants them to be dressed up like dolls.
And by “dolls” he really meant “the evil queen from Alice in Wonderland” and “that albino guy Powder.”
Analeigh waxes poetic about how it’s so fantastic that instead of women selling themselves in these windows, they’re selling clothes. These two get decked out in some gorgeous, pouffed out gowns that look awesome but completely impractical. Then Analeigh reveals that these gowns are supposed to work double time and get tied into jackets so the girls can sit on the scooters. Initially I’m intrigued because anything to help a girl look more ladylike while straddling a large, vibrating object is a-okay in my book. But I’m immediately forced to sit down and eat my words when I catch a glimpse of Elina stuffed in the “jacket” version of this dress.
And by “eat my words,” I mean “eat this giant human cannoli”
Sheena and Margie get stuck with a designer who looks like he shook up a couple of lava lamps and then let them explode all over some shapeless frocks made out of old tutus. Sheena gets so inspired that she decides that this might be a good time to shake up her makeup bag and let it explode all over her face.
Bindi? Single chicken pock? Zit? Don’t ever say that ANTM doesn’t ask the tough questions.
Analeigh gets into the window wearing platform heels that raise her up no less than nine inches. These shoes would put me at a horrendously scary 6’6″ meaning I could look Michael Jordan straight in the eye. This thought is equally scary and awesome. But even though I tower over the majority of my girlfriends, I know I would be practically a midget in the modeling world. I can only imagine that Analeigh’s got at least in inch or two on me and I’m very impressed that her head isn’t busting through the ceiling.
Alas, the designers are not as impressed because they note that Analeigh struggles to find the light with her face. McKey and Sam interact directly with each other and utilize the designer’s direction to act like dolls. Mizz Jay and the designers love love love. Marge spouts off some jazz about how she and Sheena are acting like punk rockers with lots of angst. Oh, angst you say? Yes, Margie, I know the feeling because I get it every single time that I watch you model your lameass hunchback pose. Sure, the designer loves that your movements are extreme, but seriously, can you maybe please throw a move in there every once in awhile that looks like you’re modeling for a client other than the National Scoliosis Foundation? Which begs me to ask, why aren’t the judges jumping down Margie’s back for not mixing it up from week to week? All I want for Christmas is some consistency from this panel. The same designer that loves Quasimodo thinks that Sheena’s too “feminine” for the dresses. My Dutch-to-English dictionary tells me that sometimes “feminine” really means “whore.”
McKey and Sam walk away with the grand prize – round-trip tickets back to Holland to walk in multiple shows for next year’s Amsterdam fashion week. Score! Meanwhile, the camera pans backwards for the first time to reveal that Mizz Jay put on little more than his underoos when he rolled out of bed. And while the Dutch remembered THEIR pants, it appears they also remembered to wake and bake because they are far too tickled by this almost-indecent exposure.
Case in point for why I always stick an extra change of clothes in my carry-on. You know, J. I. C.
Well, we’ve gone far too long in this episode without some major conflict so let’s put Elina and Sam together and see what they can stir up. Sam got the heebie-jeebies when some of the legit prostitutes were looking at her while she strolled down the canal. Elina asserts that there’s no problem with prostitution. Moreover, Elina’s got beef with anyone who doesn’t believe that prostitution is acceptable. Three cheers for close-mindedness disguised as open-mindedness!
For the shoot, the girls get head out to a large body of water. They wonder if it’s a lake or an ocean. Try the North Sea, girls. Little known Hoolia fact: I’m sort of a nerd about maps. I think they’re pretty awesome. I like looking at them. No, seriously. I’d also call the girls ignorant for automatically assuming it’s an ocean, but once upon a summer when I lived steps from the Mediterranean, I called it “the ocean” for three whole months. Now that I’m back in the homeland, I ask friends if we can skeddadle to Long Island or the Jersey shore to frolic in “the sea.” I need to stop moving around so much because every time I get used to new customs, I’m back with the old again. See also: every time I attempt to open the wrong apartment door because I still count floors European style, as well as the two months after leaving England where I almost got run over every time I jaywalked because I looked right.
This week’s shoot will be shipping-industry themed. Well, that’s certainly a new one, Tyra. Since the Dutch have ruled the seas since the 16th century, the fashions will be themed from that era. McKey’s up first and Jay is thrilled that McKey’s finally breaking out of her shell. Sam struggles for a bit but looks like she ends up nailing a few shots. Sheena decides maybe nowsabout time to turn down the hooch.
SPOILER ALERT! Next week’s challenge will ask the girls to find one thing about this picture that doesn’t say “Come fuck me immediately.”
Oh, babe. I hope you didn’t bother to adjust to European time because your flight out will be leaving tonight. Sure enough, Jay finds Sheena’s actions completely lewd and I just know it’s going to be sayonara, sweetheart. Elina ignores Jay’s direction and undoubtedly secures her spot in the bottom two. If Sheena hadn’t all but shown us her Britney, Elina would be flying back to the States along with her travel-buddy, her ego. McKey seethes that Elina’s someone who is ugly on the inside so it doesn’t matter how pretty she is on the outside. Analeigh passes with flying colors (and skirts) while Margie struggles with her angles. Jay gives her a cookie for taking constructive criticism without crying. Sad and pathetic, if you ask me. Hey Margie, here are some accolades for acting like a normal human being. There now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
Tyra says… it’s time for some Amsterdamian judging! Ah, I see. Since she can’t mimic an accent, she’s going to start making up words. Fan-fucking-tastic. What new way to confuse her viewers will she think of next?
Elina, wearing Lauren’s leftovers from last cycle, is up first:
Nigel loves how high-fashion Elina looks. Twigalike disagrees because Elina’s face is too strong and scary. Tyra says arrrr matey, you look like a pirate! Paulina modifies the assessment, saying that Elina’s channeling a pirate with scurvy. Then Tyra reams Elina for not listening to Mr. Jay’s direction. Uh oh…
Paulina’s impressed with the face and the clothes, but nothing else. Tyra echoes that Sheena’s face is gorge and soft. Nigel criticizes that Sheena looks dull and is limply holding the rope. Which, for the record, dear Nigel, is not at all how I would hold your rope. Ahem. In other news, Hoolia doesn’t think the face is any good in this shot. In fact, the whole thing kinda blows.
Praise and compliments from everyone. Mizz Jay is impressed with how so many things in Analeigh’s pictures are going in different directions – legs, hair, dress, arms. Twigalike loves how Analeigh’s holding the rope with passion. Analeigh makes a pleased expression like she’s just seen a litter of newborn puppies while the unspoken subtle jab at Sheena is not lost on her because she outwardly grimaces. Hoolia likey Analeigh’s shot. A lot.
Before revealing McKey’s best shot, Tyra fawns over McKey’s dominatrix-meets-middle ages getup. Apparently, T thinks that the outfit is very high fashion and should be seen on runways. No, no say’s McKey. “I’ll wear this to school!” she insists. WELL. McKey, don’t you dare make me summon my legit skills as a journalist, because believe me, I will. Okay. I’ve checked in with a top source that attended high school with you and she insists that you never once showed up looking like you had just interviewed for a waitressing gig at Medieval Times. No comment on whether or not I am blood-related to the aforementioned top source. I digress. Everyone loves the shot. Fantastic. High fashion. Perfect. Nigel talks about how he likes a bit of a freak (humina, humina, humina) but that he’s also impressed that some of the girls seem to be “getting it” while others aren’t at all. Ill get whatever “it” is that you want me to, Mr. Barker.
Nigel’s got some beef with the fact that Margie’s right arm and hand look like she’s growing a stub out of her back. Mizz Jay talks about how Margie “lost her mind” at the red light challenge. Hoolia’s losing her mind over the fact that people are impressed by the Quasimodo. Twigalike says that Marjorie would bomb her go-sees in Holland because she looks like she doesn’t even want to be there. Hey, here’s to hoping for next week!
Tyra’s irked by Sam’s too-J Crew outfit so Tyra attempts to hike it up, tear it off… god only knows. Mizz Jay hurls his jeans at Tyra and even our crazy T isn’t down with the fact that he removed his pants in panel. As for the photo, Nigel thinks that Sam filled the open canvas with herself. Tyra and Paulina echo the sentiment.
So which girl grabs a one-way ticket back to the good ole U.S.A? McKey gets top shot, followed by Analeigh, Marjorie, and Sam. No surprise, Sheena and Elina get to hang together in the bottom two this week. Elina takes a pretty photo but doesn’t come off as a model in person. Oh yeah, and they say the C-word that’s always associated with Elina. And Sheena? Sheena’s got too much personality. Ah, “personality.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Sheena gets sent bye-bye.
Well Gasmii, we’re down to the final five! Were you rooting for Teem Sameenakey and Team Analinorie this week? Who are you feeling for top three? Please tell me that someone out there is as irritated with everything about Marjorie as I am. I’d like to draw your attention yet again to a quote from both Jays where they said that the winner of this cycle was completely obvious to them from the very beginning. I was initially thinking it had to be Elina, but being called last every week for the past three makes me think that she’s not so much of a shoo-in. And while instinct tells me that Analeigh might actually pull away with this thing, she’s certainly had a few ups and downs on her way to the top of the wave she’s currently riding. So sound off, kids! Whaddya think?