Don’t Rat Out Your Bitches!

Last week on America’s Next Top Model, Jade put the rest of the competition on notice that she was there to compete and there to win. We may have thought that she was just another mannish-looking, over-the-hill diva with no chance to win, but she showed us that she is a mannish-looking, over-the-hill diva that won’t let such things as giant hissing cockroaches or Betty White’s hairdresser get in her way to that sixth or seventh place finish and a future invite to The Surreal Life. For those of us who still believe that Jade was overrated(we know she is a huge bitch), we had a visit from none other than Janice Dickinson to spice things up. And if that doesn’t get your blood flowing, there were some male models on set that really “heightened” the “tensions” in the room.I don’t know what it is about this group of girls, but it seems like none of them really like each other. Although I wouldn’t expect anybody to start giving up organs at this point in the game, I Would have thought that we would at least have one solid friendship. Wasn’t Kim on her third best friend in the house by this time last year? Where is our Pink Positive? I’m not expecting the girls to get along all of the time, but if they were friends we might be able to look forward to more moments in the hot tub.

Kari is gone, and I think it was the right choice, so now it was up to Gina to see if she could raiser her performance level. She admitted that she was very shocked that Tyra flipped her picture, but she didn’t really act like it was a second chance to show the judges what she could do. Instead, she continued to obsess about Jade, and admitted that Jade was really getting to her.

But enough about the past, let’s talk about the present. The first Tyra Mail asked the girls’ about their “favorite position”. Now, that is kind of a loaded question because a lot of the times it depends on the partner. Sometimes you may move in one position, but your partner isn’t ready. What feels good to you may not work for them at all, and even though you try your best, sometimes you just don’t understand the angles. If nothing happens, one of you may be forced to pull out, and if you’re a model, that means neither you OR the photographer will get paid. What? Did you think I was talking about something else?

I thought that we would get some nice double entendre action with such an obviously easy phrase, but instead we got something better! Janice Dickinson! I love when Janice is on the show, because she does bring a lot of personality. Although she is generally hard on the models, she really does want to make them better. Then again, you can look at the other side of the equation, which is that she is a truly hideous old hag, and just because she coined the term super model and was the muse of various designers back in the 1970s doesn’t mean I should be forced to see her whenever somebody needs a quote about modeling. One of the commenters in sg-dub’s Surreal Life recaps called Janice America’s Next Top Cryptkeeper, and I would have to agree.

The girls arrived to a theater, where they saw a bunch of art students painting a model. The model was hidden from view and Danielle even thought it might have been a man, but it was indeed Janice. Janice brought with her a special surprise, the fierce and fabulous Lisa D’Amato from Cycle 5. Janice said that the girls were going to learn the differences between commercial poses and editorial poses, and since Lisa was so good at working with the camera and knowing her angles, they had her demonstrate a little bit with Janice.

I think it’s time for another face lift

If there is one person that may command as much attention as Tyra, it is Janice. The girls listened to her talk about the needs of commercial modeling (high energy, capturing a motion) and editorial modeling (diva looks, capturing a feeling), and since a lot of the girls were awkward in front of the camera, I was hoping that they were all listening and taking notes. A bunch of them actually had some good questions, like Furonda who wondered how long you should hold your position, and Brooke, who wanted to know more information about finding the light, working the angles, and anything that will help her hide that huge chin of hers.

Another thing I like about Janice is that she is always trying to get the girls to show a little bit of personality. And if there is anybody who knows the importance of personality, it is Janice, who has nothing appealing left to offer except some personality. Janice immediately picked out Gina as somebody who could use an attitude adjustment and tried to get her to try laughing for n particular reason. Gina was so scared, and then Janice made her jump up on down on one leg while laughing. Although it may seem like Janice did that to humiliate Gina, that wasn’t the case. The lesson, as Janice said, was to get her to be comfortable and laugh at herself. While the exercise was to get Gina to stop thinking so much, it actually had the opposite effect and she only became more self-conscious.

After a day with Janice, there is nothing better than an evening with Korean BBQ. The girls went to Chosun Galbee, which is on Olympic Boulevard. I know some people are bothered when I talk about restaurants that I see on the show, but I had to mention this place because B-Side and I went there for a friend’s 27th birthday party last year and we actually sat at the same table. If you like Korean BBQ, it’s actually a really great place.

Now unlike some stereotypes about Koreans, they don’t serve dog at Chosun, or most of the places in Koreatown (at least I hope that’s the case). instead, the girls got to eat with the big dog herself, Janice Dickinson. There is always one girl who thinks that they are so crazy and so “real” and so much fin that Janice would absolutely love them. Last year it was Lisa, this year it is Jade. I don’t know if Janice and Jade are “on the same level” as Jade contends, because Janice was already a model for half her life by the time she was Jade’s age, but I do know that Janice was not through with Gina.

Janice asked if there was anything that was going on in the house, or if there was anybody bothering Gina, Janice would kick their ass. Gina didn’t want to say anything, but when Janice pressed, Gina mentioned that Jade was a problem. Jade had this look on her face like she thought that she and Gina were friends, and looked like she was going to get defensive in preparation for Janice giving her a lecture. Instead, it was Gina who got the lecture. Another one of Janice’s big things is the “sisterhood” of modeling, and one of the cardinal sins is talking about other girls to the press. I do see Janice’s point, but I think that in her position, she is not seen as an outside, but another one of the sisterhood. She asked Gina what was wrong, sister-to-sister, and Gina answered. If this were a press conference, or in front of the judges, that is one thing, and I guess you can say that Gina should only voice her concerns in private, but for Janice to say “You’re dead in my book” to Gina was a little harsh.

Are you finished with that bulgolgi?

As you may have guessed, Gina was bawling after what Janice said to her. All of the girls know that Jade picks on Gina because she sees Gina as weak, but they are going to let Gina fight this thing on her own. Nnenna does give her some words of encouragement, saying that she has nothing to fear from Jade. “What are you scared of? Is she going to spank you?” Gina decides to take a shower (Danielle doesn’t offer to watch her), and when she comes back, Jade is on her bed. Jade decided that they are going to have it out about dinner because she was upset about how Gina came at her.

I know that Jade might have been upset about Gina calling her out at dinner, but if she thought that there was anything she could say to Gina that would mean more than what Janice had to say, I don’t know what was going on. I had a problem last year with the way that Lisa would pick on Coryn about being too muscular, but I honestly don’t think that Lisa was consciously trying to hurt Coryn. As for Jade, she is clearing trying to tear down Gina. She tried to sit there and say that she was only there trying to make peace with Gina, which is a complete joke. She sat on Gina’s bed to start a confrontation, not to make peace. Jade got her confrontation, but probably not the way she wanted it. Gina actually stood up for herself, and although it wasn’t the crazy out of control thing the previews from last week wanted us to believe, it was nice to see her stick up for herself.

For the first challenge, the girls were asked if they were ready for a change of scenery. Once again, they initially thought that they would be moving out of the model house to a new location, but they soon realized they were wrong. The next morning, after they worked in a not-so-subtle montage of the girls and the various choices of Special K flavorings they got to choose from in the morning, they headed off to Hollywood where they met Lawrence Zarian. I am not sure if Ben Stiller had Zarian in mind when he created Zoolander, but the more I looked at him, the more I was waiting for him to shout “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?”

I bet he has a really tiny cell phone too

Lawrence explained that the girls were going to show off their commercial acting prowess by doing a photo shoot for sears. There were four small setups that represented each of the four seasons, and just in case you live in a place where you can’t really tell that the seasons change (or are a male model), Lawrence reminded us that the seasons were spring, summer, fall, and winter. The girls each had their own rack of clothing, and they would be responsible for getting into their own wardrobe as well as doing their own makeup.

One of the qualities about a commercial actress is being able to be your own art director, so to speak. Get in there, do the poses, and then get out. Time is money, so the less time it takes to get a good shot means more money for everybody. The girls got into their clothes, and although it was funny watching them do the ridiculous poses and the exaggerated smiles, this was only an average challenge. Nnenna won, and for her victory, she won all of the Sears clothing the girls had worn that day. Now, besides the obvious hygiene concerns with the clothes (who wants to catch bitchonosis from Jade or dipshitheria from Gina), giving a rack of Sears clothing to a Top Model is like giving Randy and Paula’s DVD to an American Idol.

Nnenna was excited enough, and when she got back home, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. Although the girl is gorgeous, I can’t say the same thing about her boyfriend. He looks sort of like a low rent Kevin Federline who showers only half the time, but you don’t know what these two have been through, so I am not going to say she should dump him. Then again, I may not have to. As you can expect from somebody who is dates way above their beauty scale, Nnenna’s man, John, is a little cling and easy to become jealous. If I were him, I would simply be happy that I was along for the ride, but he starts making demands from Nnenna because he misses her. I know it is tough to go from Nnenna to, well, anything else, but she is the one who is away from all of her friends and family and has all of the pressure on her. John is asking her about what her intentions are and she says that any deep conversations can wait until she gets home, and then hangs up on him.

The next day, everybody made their way to CBS Television City to talk with Tyra in the dressing room of her talk show. She said that there was more to life than just being a model, and that these girls will have to have goals beyond modeling if they are going to make it in the world after their careers are over. Let’s be honest, for most of them, they will need a to think about another career because there won’t be any modeling career. Danielle said she wanted to be a singer, Furonda – human rights attorney, Leslie – criminal justice investigator, Mollie Sue – makeup artist, Gina – fashion designer, Joanie – homemaker (mother), Jade – kindergarten teacher, Sarah – prosecutor, Nnenna – research chemist, and Brooke – nurse.

None of those careers seemed like much of a surprise, except perhaps for Jade. Danielle said she would home school her kids if she ever found out Jade was her teacher. You could see everybody else doing what they said they wanted to, and when the girls arrived at their next shoot, they learned that their next pictures were going to be as the career women that they dreamed they could be. Having already done the commercial shoot, this one was going to be an editorial, and to make things interesting, all of the photos would be taken with some male models. I would talk about them in depth, but since none of them are as good as our Nigel, why bother?

Maybe since the girls already had dreams about these careers, it was easier for them to feel natural in these photographs. The problem with so many of the other pictures is that the girls feel so out of their element, but the girls really had a chance to rock out with their characters this time. The only person who had real trouble was Gina, who had absolutely no focus, and seemed to forget that she was only pretending to be a fashion designer. I guess if I were her, I may have been distracted by the male model and would have wanted to measure him up, so to speak, and forget about my picture, but most of the other girls didn’t have problems with their models. Brook also had some trouble. It was hard enough for her to say nurse anesthetist, and she also seemed to forget she was selling herself and not the model.

Overall, the girls were very excited to have the guys with them. They had spent so much time being the eye candy, it was nice to have some eye candy of their own. During Jade’s shoot, it seemed like Jay was having more fun than she was though. He told the male model to “bend over and let her smack your bum”, and then admitted that maybe it was just his fantasy. Hmm, I wonder if Jay was spanking the dude, or getting spanked by Furonda in his fantasy. Actually, I don’t want to know if jay is a pitching or catching, so I’ll stop talking about it.

The hottest pair, however, was Nnenna and the black male model, Vaughn. Earlier, while the girls were asking for advice on how to be edgy, Vaughn told the girls that “whatever you need, I’ll give it to you”. And if you don’t need it, it’s probably coming anyway! Last year, Lisa was so excited to work with males she pissed in a diaper, but this year was a different type of excitement. In Cycle Four there was a shoot with male models where Keenya didn’t like Bertini getting close, but there was something different between Nnenna and Vaughn. I do think Nnenna was trying to be a professional, but Vaughn was kissing on her neck, and in the final shot, their lips met and they kissed. Oops!

I feel a little bump coming through, on you

So much for that boyfriend back home! Although if Kim’s girlfriend could forgive her, John should have it in him to forgive Nnenna. Besides, it was not like Nnenna was sporting wood on the set. That’s right, Vaughn popped a chubby, a stubby, a stiffy, a J-Unit when he is thinking about Tyra, you know a BONER. Yeah, I love that word. Vaughn had to run off set, but not before other girls noticed that he had pitched a tent.

Antics aside, there were a lot of great pictures this week, here are my favorites:

Nnenna didn’t make a big deal about what happened on the set, perhaps because she is so good-looking, she is used to guys sporting random boners when she walks by. Still, the other girls made a big deal of it, so she called John. She barely got a few minutes to explain about what happened when he hung up on her. Good job John! That will show her! What will Nnenna do without her clingy, unattractive, pube-stubbled boyfriend? She’ll probably have to go out and have sex with male models to get over the pain. Take THAT bitch!

When it came time for panel, the girls were told to give three commercial poses with the clothes that they were wearing, and then three edgy, editorial poses with a fireman’s uniform. To be honest, we didn’t see anything that we didn’t expect. Sarah did the best with her commercial pose. Although the judges made fun of her for actually laughing out loud when you only need to pretend to laugh out loud, Tyra said the photographer would have had the best shots. Mollie Sue and Danielle were praised for how well they did with the editorial. By this time, Gina was so frustrated that it looked to me like she was throwing her poses out so she could look bad and get eliminated.

Like I said, there were a lot of good pictures. The judges were really impressed with Furonda, and although I don’t think she was the best, she certainly has been doing better than I expected. When somebody mentioned her head is shaped odd, Furonda said her whole family calls her light bulb head, and probably ET as well. Leslie has been taking great pictures, and I did love her picture (if she’s an investigator, she can lock me up any time), but they still thought that she needed to finish her poses stronger. Danielle bounced back from her injury to have another great shoot. She might have to work on walking the runway, but the camera loves her. Miss J talked about how intense her look is, and I find it amazing how she is always able to turn that switch and get into character. Jade also had a good performance. Nigel said the problem with her look is that she looks like a model that is going to a club and not one that is being discovered, which is a great description of what is wrong with Jade. Still, the judges liked the way she had a strong look, but didn’t come across as too “hard”. Maybe she would’ve looked hard if she had been taking her picture with Nnenna…

To tell you the truth, the judges didn’t really have too many bad things to say about these pictures. They liked the way that Mollie Sue brought a modern look, although Tyra wanted to her to push herself. Although Joanie’s messed up tooth is starting to bug me, the judges were right when praising the quality of her facial expressions in this photo shoot. Sarah had a great shot, but they warned her that some of her early shots looked a little too much like porn. As for Nnenna, they loved the shot, and Lawrence Zarian, the guest judge, said that Nnenna said that she has a strong personality, but she is so quiet about it that it takes a while to show. After today’s shoot, nobody could say she didn’t bring energy to the set.

That left the bottom two as Brooke vs. Gina. I would try and make this suspenseful, but I think we could see through the whole show that Gina wasn’t in it. Perhaps she let Jade get to her, but it did seem like she had given up. The judges decided that Brooke has the most potential. Tyra told her not to be afraid to look ugly (don’t worry, she’s done it her whole life!), and to take some chances. I still think we have a couple more eliminations before we get serious, so there really isn’t any reason to get worked up about Gina.

So long bitch!

What did you think of this episode? Did the right girl go home? Should Nnenna break up with her boyfriend? Who had the best picture this week?