This week on ANTM we learn the true meaning of pain. Some days, your palms just ache from playing pattycake and other days, you just ache for your favorites to take the high road. Viewer discretion is advised due to albino nudity and possible dirty thoughts courtesy of hunky dreamboat Nigel Barker. Male viewer discretion is advised because it seems like we need to talk about pregnancy and other lady troubles more this cycle than any other. So pop an Aleve, cozy on up, and let’s jump right in!
Menstrual pain or Broken Down Marionette Doll Legs? You decide!
The girls are chilling in the fabcab, presumably heading back to the apartment. Everyone gushes over how pretty Aimee looked in her last photo. “I know!” she squeals. “I’ve never ever before this gotten that many compliments!” On the other end of the modesty spectrum, Lauren worries that she doesn’t have enough confidence and that she’s going to have to go through a huge struggle in addition to the competition. It’s been six weeks and I don’t think it bodes very well for Lauren that she seems to have made zero improvements in the confidence department – this will definitely be her Achilles heal.
Back at the apartment, Claire hops on the phone and calls her husband where he fills her in on what her daughter’s been up to. Cut to a montage of Claire, husband, and baby and oh my goodness, I’m going to steal this baby. Seriously.
Look at you, saying hi to your new mommy! Mama loves you too!
If you wouldn’t commit a felony kidnapping for this baby, I regret to inform you that your heart is made of stone.
Claire then explains how it’s very tough to be away from her daughter, but she wants to show her how important it is to follow her dreams. She then also gets into more breastfeeding details then I ever needed to know. If you haven’t seen the episode and are just reading this recap, I’ll spare you – but suffice to say, the term “drying up” is used. Blecccch. You know how everyone says being around a bratty little kid is the best birth control motivator around? I’m pretty sure that for me, it’s hearing the dirty details about what pregnancy does to you. I have a pregnant neighbor who is bilingual in both baby and pregnancy. She constantly shares experiences about being preggers that she thinks are “absolute joys” while meanwhile I’m busy trying to calculate how many different birth control methods I can use at once to ensure that I’m never up the duff. To any and all of my future husbands – if you want children, we’ll just steal Claire’s babies mmmkay?
Blurry nightvision cameras and labels of shadowy figures can only mean one thing… some major drama’s about to go down! In the DARK!
It appears that Dominique sets her alarm clock way early and let it go off for a solid hour, which (rightly) pissed Claire off. I feel her pain because I had a college roommate who would do the exact same thing and I generally had to be the one to wake her up by shouting her name because the incessant beeping by her ears didn’t seem to do the trick. Dominique, of course, blames the alarm clock, because she’s “confused with it at times.” Gotta love how she manages to make this situation not her fault. God I hate people like this.
The ensuing fight wakes up all of the other girls in the room, and we get a shot of a sleepy Stacy-Ann and the funniest picture in the history of photography taped to her bed.
Save the drama for your mama!
Anya peeps her little head out of the bathroom to tell Dominique to take responsibility and whoa, I kind of forgot how annoying her voice was. Has she spoken at all in the past few episodes? Since we apparently have to survey every girl to get her opinion on the situation, Aimee pops in that she’s neutral on the situation because she’s one of the most mature girls in the house. While I agree with this statement, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have opinion because she’s one of those lucky biatches who can sleep through anything and the alarm didn’t wake her.
Let’s move this party into the kitchen, shall we? The absurdity of the situation is almost too much to handle. Dominique’s defense is that she didn’t break anyone’s limbs, so everything’s cool. What I’d really like to know is if there’s a situation in the world that this girl couldn’t attempt to rationalize herself out of. Dominique’s all up in a tizzy because Claire called her a bitch. Dominique challenges Clare, “Do you call your husband a bitch when you’re in an argument?” I’m thinking no, mostly because boys generally aren’t called bitches, but I can see how that might be confusing to you, Tranny Dommy.
Claire gets a randomly southern accent and retorts with “Well, at least I have a husband, okay?” Ohhhh Claire. You dropped to her level and just dropped a level in my book, too. Lauren decides to pipe up and mention that the girls are having a communication problem and Dominique tells her that she should stay in her place. Whoa. Lauren’s apparently been hiding a pretty fiery Hyde to the unruffled Jekyll we’ve come to know and love. I mean “fiery” literally, because damn, this girl can get red in the face. Whitney defends Lauren and tells Dominique that her place is in the trash. Come on Whit, you can be a little wittier (ha!) than that, can’t you? When Lauren screams “You’re fucking crazy!” at Dominique, I’m thinking she might have gone too far. Cut to a confessional of Dominique complaining that she’s targeted because she’s strong and I’m sprinting right back over to Lauren’s corner.
After a Tyra Ticker Tape about the girls being sick (huh?) they hop into the fabcab when – surprise! – Tyra reveals herself as the cab’s driver. The girls yet again react like Tyra’s the second coming of Christ and I miss the old days of ANTM where after Tyra’s first appearance, everyone just treated her like an earthly being. She tells the girls to go upstairs and get dressed (more screaming) and they change into red dance outfits. Tyra joins them in the dance studio (still. more. screaming.) and lectures them about the three-second rule. Apparently some of the girls hadn’t been posing for the requisite three seconds once they reached the end of the runway. This is key so that the photographers can get a shot of the goods – you know, the clothes, Whit’s errant boobie, whatever – but also so the model can work her fierceness!
Everyone lines up and they all practice their fierceness together but on round two of runway practice, Tyra collapses onto the floor. I initially give one of the biggest OMFGs in ANTM history, but alas, it was too good to be true. When she peels herself off the floor she’s making more fake orgasm noises like she did to Katarzyna at panel a few weeks ago.
Not quite as painful as rocking a tube sock on your arm a la 2001 Britney.
But there’s a lesson to be learned here girls! According to Tyra, when all else fails, resort to hypochondria because beauty is pain. Tyra overdramatically plays out many types of common ailments like headache, heartache, and menstrual cramps. With that last one, most of the girls just look like they’ve really gotta pee and can’t hold it any longer. Then Tyra does a little “I’ve sprained my ankle” dance that I’m not gonna even touch. I hope for your sake that y’all caught it live.
But that’s not all! The girls are going to have a pose-off, which is kind of like Simon Says: Model Style. She yells out an absolutely outlandish body part and the girls have to act like that’s what’s in pain. Anya starts us off with aching shoulder blades. The other girls get gems like sore inner thighs, wind-burned lips, door-slammed fingers, painful weave tracks (this one was Fatima, by the way, and she made the same lame brooding face she makes at every shoot), strangulation, and… sore palms from playing patty cake all day? Of course, the most awkward girl gets the most awkward pose.
Raise the roooooooooof!!!
Tyra blasts Lauren, telling her she looks like an addict looking for money. Come on Tyra, show us what real sore palms look like! Or maybe you could call on Dominique? I could think of one or two ways that a street corner tranny could develop sore palms and I’m sure she’d LOVE to help you out since she thinks she’s the second coming of YOU.
When the girls get home that night, Tyra mail announces that the pose-off was really a secret challenge and that Anya rocked it. She wins a private shoot with Nigel. OH SNAP. I’m officially green with envy. I turn even more emerald when Nigel tells Anya she’ll be spending the day in bed… nude, under his watchful eye.
This is what dreams are made of
He promises her that it will be tasteful and nothing will show… but of course nearly every shot has extensive blurred-out naughty bits. I’m sure we’ll get to see an episode of The Hills this season where Audrina watches this very episode of ANTM and cries into Justin Bobby’s dirty tee shirt, sobbing, “This is just how it started!”
Anya scurries home to fill in the girls on her amazing day. Whitney’s also envious proving once and for all that she is my soul sista while Aimee squirms because her Mormon background taught her that her body is a temple.
More bedroom drama boils to the surface when Whitney, Lauren, and Claire (and also possibly Aimee) are sitting in the bedroom and bring up the kitchen catfight from that morning. Apparently, Dominique’s mastered the art of posing with pain, because she’s lying in bed trying to get some rest while the girls are talking. There’s a lot of back and forth, but the “monkeys” (as Dominique inexplicably dubs Claire, Lauren, and Whit) refuse to leave. Claire doesn’t exactly handle this with a lot of class, but I can see how they wouldn’t be jumping at the chance to make Dominique’s life any easier when she failed to show anyone else any respect both that morning and um, ever. It seems sort of petty, but I guess these girls are college age and I would have been equally heinous during my freshman or sophomore year (or, today) if I had to deal with someone like Dominique.
For this week’s shoot, the girls head over to Williamsburg, Brooklyn where they are greeted by a lovely British chap who’s mad for plaid.
Apparently Williamsburg has a pretty happening music scene, so this week the girls will be assigned a genre of music to represent in their shoots. Oooo, Hoolia likey!! Jay introduces yet another world-renowned photographer. Just once I’d like to see them announce someone totally average. “Okay girls, this is Billy. He covers high school sports for the local paper. He will probably butcher your shots, but we’re gonna blame you in panel for it anyway.”
Fatima’s up first and she embraces her inner Axl Rose to portray metal. She gets pretty amped about it and looks more excited and comfortable with this shoot than she has with any other one. Kat plays the emo-kid and the hair stylists have got her all done up in a short, punky wig. It really compliments her eyes and she looks awesome. She feels pretty comfortable with it too and rocks her shoot. Lauren’s decked out in a Britneyesque vinyl monstrosity to represent pop while Claire gets a girly blonde wig to embrace her inner country star. I’m fairly certain that costuming must have found her outfit by digging through my dress-up chest that hasn’t seen the light of day since 1991.
Dominique is Pocahontas so she must be representing Native American tribal music? Oops, my bad, she’s supposed to be a folk singer. She looks extra manly, too. Anya’s punk and Jay thinks that the makeup and clothes did the work for her. I’d have to agree, because she just seems to be making scrunched up angry faces and smashing guitars but still looks pretty fierce. Did I say fierce? I meant scary.
This is NOT what dreams are made of
Stacy-Ann does house music and continues to make the same faces she’s made on every shoot and run through the same five poses that Tyra’s already called her out on. Aimee’s embracing her inner diva to represent R&B and I’m totally agreeing with Nigel’s chameleon comment from last week. You can’t see a single trace of the wide-eyed innocent girl in her interviews. Both the photographer and Jay have problems with her shoot. Whitney’s channeling Frances Bean Cobain to embody grunge and Jay christens the shoot genius. Looks like my girl will be sticking around for another week!
Panel time! (I hope you say that in your head to the tune of “Hammer time!” just like I do.) Whitney’s up first:
Nigel says, well done! He loves the dynamic shot and thinks Whitney’s showing a lot of feeling. Paulina says bravo, and Tyra relays Mr. Jay’s comments that Whitney took lots of risks this week and ended up with a risk that worked.
The photographer thinks Fatima could have taken it to a higher level. Tyra was shocked by the film in a good way and Mizz Jay loves the “broken down marionette doll” legs in the pic.
The photographer wants Anya to favor the light a little more and Tyra thinks that this would be a good lesson for all the girls to learn.
Nigel thinks it’s a beautiful picture. The photographer thinks Lauren did a great job of not overacting or making the picture looks easy. Mizz Jay wants her to be more awake and present at panel. Agreed.
Wow, the photographer gives Aimee quite a mouthful about how he did everything he could at the shoot by moving her around and guiding her but she still fell flat. Paulina agrees and says that every other aspect of the picture is gorgeous but that Aimee doesn’t work in it.
Nigel thinks it works but is too obvious. Tyra tells Stacy-Ann to be more fluid when she’s posing.
Mizz Jay thinks it looks grunge and not emo. “So this is white music?” he asks Paulina. “Welcome to our world,” she replies. Right, because Paulina is the poster child for everything emo. The girl couldn’t get more Glamazon Barbie if she tried. Back to Kat – Tyra thinks it’s her best shoot to date and said that the shot made her think that perhaps they had made a mistake by letting Kat keep her long hair after makeovers. Mizz Jay concurs.
Nigel thinks the shot is too tough for a country singer. Tyra thinks Claire was lost and that this is her worst shoot to date. Notes from Mr. Jay say that she needs to adapt more to the creative aspects of the shoot. Paulina thinks Claire could have done more. A side note question from Hoolia: Does anyone have any idea if all of the judges see the film from the shoot or do they just see the final shot? Is Tyra the only one that gets to review the film? Because Claire was definitely being more silly and smiley at the shoot, so she was taking more risks even though the shot didn’t get picked. She very well could have been all over the place, but it’s not like she was posing so seriously for shot after shot.
Tyra thinks it’s a pretty picture. Nigel’s surprised to see something so soft and thinks that Dominique looks very believable for the genre. The photographer thinks it’s a lucky shot because the head-body-set were not communicating well together.
After the judges deliberate, the girls get called: Whitney, Katarzyna (who’s going to get a haircut for the next shoot, yay!), Fatima, Lauren, Anya, Dominique, and Stacy-Ann. Aimee and Claire are quire predictably in the final two. Tyra says that Aimee had one of the easiest shoots but she fell flat while Claire’s shoot came across as too comical and stoic. Hey Tyra? I’d put those two adjectives pretty far apart on the synonym scale. Especially when no one said one word about Claire’s best shot being anything close to comical. Tyra calls Claire’s name and she yells YES while she skips her way to the panel. Yikes, way to say IN YOUR FACE, Aimee! Claire even gets half way over to the other girls before her “Wait, shit” alarm goes off in her head and she turns back to hug Aimee. Aimee leaves drowning in her own tears. She took good pictures, but she probably is too inexperienced and sweet and not tough enough for the modeling world in my opinion.
Well Gasmii, what’d we think this week? Do you think Aimee was right in her assessment that the judges stereotyped her as too naÃ¯ve and immature? Was Claire justified in her immature actions towards Dominique this week? Are you ready to see Lauren get over her insecure persona yet? And seriously, who wants to help me babynap Claire’s daughter?