Last week on America’s Next Top Model, I was very upset because Mollie Sue was eliminated. I generally don’t care what shenanigans the producers pull to discover the next top model, but in general I want them to start out with a good face. After that, a slamming body and good pictures would be next, followed closely by presence on the runway, and only after that would I care if somebody had a diva attitude and looked great in commercials. The show starts by saying they want a girl who is fierce, fabulous, and fresh. Nowhere does it say that she needs to be a huge bitch. With that being said, I have way to much emotional investment in way too many television shows, so I am not going to let these people get to me. I hope.Although I am still bitter about Mollie Sue leaving, I promise not to mention it too often. Besides, with Jade almost going home last week, it kind of took her down a notch. If we could only knock her down another ten or twenty notches, she might even be bearable. Jade said that she needed to redeem herself because she looked “like a damn fool” at the last elimination. I actually think it was the first time I agreed with what Jade had to say, but maybe that’s because I have always thought she looks like a fool.
Since Jade was feeling kind of down and there was no Gina to pick on, we had to look for a source of conflict somewhere else in the house. If you can believe it, there is actually a lot of bad blood between Nnenna and Brooke. I can sort of understand where Brooke is coming from, because whenever she messes up, it seems to be Nnenna that is laughing the most. But I can also see Nnenna’s perspective because, well, Brooke is funny and awkward at almost everything she does. Brooke’s says that her main problem is that everybody calls Nnenna nice and sweet but don’t really know the real Nnenna, but I think the problem is that Nnenna has what Brooke wants: pictures that the judges notice for other things besides her huge chin. You know, maybe it is Nnenna who is envious of Brooke; it’s not every girl that could be a stunt chin for Jennifer Garner.
The first thing on tap for our models was a runway class with Miss J. Is anybody else getting sick of the stupid highlight “package” they show whenever Miss J appears? I can understand the first time she appears in a season, people might want a refresher, but considering she appears in every single show as a judge, why repeat those stupid clips, especially that final one from last year where Miss J is wearing that 40s swimsuit and you can see the bulge. You would think by now, Miss J would know how to do the tuck.
Miss J focused on what the girls should do on the runway when they have accessories. As much as I can’t stand Miss J, you have to admit that she does have a lot of knowledge that is very useful to the aspiring model. Now if only she was funny at panel, I wouldn’t have to make fun of her so much. But anyway, you know how when models are wearing a jacket on the runway and they take it off and flip it over the shoulder? Or when they are wearing some gloves and they take them off and place it in their hands? Or when they are holding a purse and they, you know, have to walk with it? Well, it all takes a little special skill. Oh, who am I kidding? It was all very easy, and nobody really had problems. Some people took a little time to get their jackets off and Brooke dropped her purse (and Nnenna laughed), but come on! Taking a jacket off? Shouldn’t we be worried about some more pressing matters like maybe getting Joanie and Danielle to see a dentist or finding somebody to shoot Nnenna’s boyfriend?
After leaving Miss J, the girls went on to see Richard and Ron Harris, who are known for, I shit you not, swirling. They call them the “Aswirl Twins’. Hey, pretty good work if you can get it, right? If you shaved Danny Glover’s head, fed him a little, made him a little more fabulous, and then made a copy of him, you would get Richard and Ron Harris. Joanie called them “Count Dracula meets a hairdresser”, which, if you translate Red State to Blue State, means “A Gay Count Dracula”. Jade explained that “aswirl” is the movement in the garments, and she did it with this stupid accent she does when she is trying to be fabulous. I sort of want to reach into the TV, grab her neck and tell her that she isn’t Katherine Hepburn, and therefore doesn’t need to use her accent, especially when Spencer Tracy is nowhere to be found. I guess it was nice to see the Aswirl Twins, but I am not sure what they would have brought to the table that Miss J with a shaved head and pants couldn’t.
When the girls got back home, everybody started talking about how Nnenna was talking on the phone. I don’t blame them, because watching Nnenna talk with her boyfriend is annoying. Again, I don’t know him, but he’s not what I would call a keeper. Most guys with his type of looks settle for women that are a little more like Nell Carter than Naomi Campbell. Brooke is so upset that Nnenna has been on the phone for so long and decides to go in there and let Nnenna know exactly how she feels. I think it was good for Brooke to go in there, but if the girls actually wanted to get Nnenna off the phone, Brooke was a poor choice.
Nnenna sort of brushes her off, which makes Brooke even more upset. She doesn’t understand what makes Nnenna so great. Is it because she’s from Africa? Is it because she is a chemist? Is it her ugly boyfriend? No, it’s that she has a beautiful face and takes great pictures. It’s fine for Brooke to be mad at Nnenna, and she does eventually tell Nnenna to f*ck off, but I wish she would just admit she’s made because Nnenna brings more to the table than she does. If I were to give Brooke advice, I would tell her to pretend that it’s 1996. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. And while you’re at it, you might as well raise the roof as well.
For their first challenge, the contestants learned that they would be doing a fashion show inside a church. As they entered, Jade made sure that she blessed herself with some holy water. I was impressed, not that Jade was at all religious, but that she could touch holy water without burning herself. The girls would be judged by fashion designer Lloyd Klein, and jewelry designer Sol Rafael. The winner would get a $25,000 diamond ring, which is much better than a couple of racks of clothes from Sears, so you know that it would be a great competition.
I thought this was a very interesting challenge, and it looked like the girls were very excited about it all. Their audience would be the congregation of the church where they were having the fashion show, which meant that any PA who wasn’t out getting coffee was sitting in a pew. I did like a lot of the designs the girls were wearing, and there was a lot of energy in the room.
Sara had a long dress, and said she didn’t feel comfortable, which makes sense when you saw how cold she was. Leslie said the crowd enabled her to focus only on what she needed to do. Everybody else looked pretty good, except for Brooke who looked really, really stiff in her motions. The two most confident girls were Jade and Joanie. Jade was confident because she believes that if there is a runway, she is going to be on it. I have to admit, when there has been runway challenges, Jade has been fierce. She’s still a bitch, but she knows what to do on the catwalk. Joanie was confident because she was in a church, and being the daughter of a preacher, she never missed a Sunday. Joanie had on this habit, but it was nothing like any nun that I have seen. She said she would work it out for God, and I have to say God would have been proud. It’s not like he was going to throw her an 11th commandment or anything, but she done good.
As good as Joanie was, Jade took it to another level. Again, I can’t stand her in person. I believe she is a cocky bitch, but you have to give her props for that twirl. She was spinning around like the rims on an Escalade. The community fashion show is all about the spectacle, and although Joanie was confident she had the skills, it was Jade who won. Listen, she did deserve to win but you know this is just going to feed her ego and make her even more unbearable. It took her only about 30 seconds to lose all of that humility we thought she received after he near-elimination and turn back into the cocky bitch we all would like to slap upside the head. Jade won the $25,000 ring and got to choose a girl to get a $10,000 ring. She chose Furonda, which I guess is a good way to say you are sorry for telling her she has a rough face and looks lumpy. Furonda got to pick a girl to get an $8000 ring, and picked Nnenna.
That evening, Tyra Mail mentioned how she would get “stomach krumps” but “still got off my butt and worked it”, and the girls couldn’t figure out what it meant. When they got to the shoot the next day, Jay told them that they would be doing a shoot for Payless Shoes. I know what you are thinking. Payless Shoes? Couldn’t they find any shoe company that was a little more prestigious? I think we all know that this is simply some gross product placement going on, but it still hurt to hear Jay describe Payless. Affordable? Sure, they are inexpensive. Hip? They do manage to copy the latest styles pretty quickly. Fashion forward? Uh, I don’t know about that. Even after Jay said that Payless made their debut in New York’s fashion week, I am still not convinced.
Since they were trying to sell shoes, the girls were going to be doing some dancing, although Nnenna imagined that maybe they would be jumping from roof to roof. Uhhh, yeah. I guess being a genius in chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean you have ANY common sense. Then again, if I was wondering if she had common sense, I only need to look at her boyfriend to figure out she probably never had any.
The reason why Tyra mentioned “stomach krumps” and “working it” is because she was describing krumping. Krumping is a style of dance popularized in Los Angeles. It’s similar in break dancing in that people will get together and have “battles”, but the movement is more closely related to clown dancing (depending on who you talk to, they call clowning and krumping the same thing), which is why the people who were joining the girls in the photo shoot, Tommy and his Krumpers. Tommy being Thomas Johnson, who invented the style and taught it to others partly as a way to avoid gang violence. A friend who actually knows the differences explained all of this to me once, but being as stoned as I was at the time, not much sunk in. Think of the Black Eyed Peas Hey Mama video, and you know what I mean.
History lessons aside, the reason for the krumpers was to give the photo shoot a little bit of an urban edge. When Jay said that they were going to bring a photographer that is known for that sort of thing, I had to laugh when I saw Trevor O’Shana? Looking at Trevor, a lot of words come to mind, like “blarney” and “photographer” and “visits Sephora five times a week”. None of those words popping into my head were urban, but really, how hard is it to take a picture of some feet? Some people would pay for that privilege. The photos were going to be about how well the girls could move and I am sure any urban flavor would be handled by makeup and wardrobe. Trevor McDeconstructed Blazer only needed to sit there and push a button.
I thought there were a lot of really good pictures. There have been a few shoots this year where everybody looked more or less the same, but with different outfits on. This shoot delivered a wide variety of styles and gave the pictures a lot more personality than some of the others.
I have to say, white girl has some moves, probably because white girl used to be a stripper. Joanie’s final picture was sort of strange, and I didn’t think that she really had a model-y look to it, but she did capture the mood of the krump by nearly falling into Tommy the Clown’s hands.
I think eventually, Furonda is going to have to deal with the fact that she doesn’t look like a model in person, but I thought she took a good picture. I say that it is a good picture, but her body is really starting to freak me out.
You know I can’t say a lot of bad things about Danielle. Although she said her friends call her white girl at home because she can’t dance, she moved really well. I thought she had a very good fashion pose, but she might not have captured the feeling of the shoot. Still, she looked great and I thought there was no question who you should be looking at when you saw the picture.
Jay told the girls that the emphasis was on selling the shoes, and Sarah did exactly that. She had a nice lean in her pose, but her face didn’t have a lot of energy. She said she took ballet as a child, and this picture looked like a ballet dancer who couldn’t quite get both of her feet into fifth position and fell back.
Nnenna had a great look. Until she dumps her boyfriend, I am going to think she is an idiot. No personality, but, wow, does the room revolve around her whenever she is in it or what?
Leslie is the definition of slamming body. Her butt may stick out in a funny way as she walks down the runway, but you appreciate the curve in her pictures. Again, she had more of a fashion pose and I wouldn’t say she moved well, but the face, the lips; she’s a keeper.
After seeing this picture, I thought that it would be it for Brooke. I did start noticing her body a little more now that she is wearing more than a t-shirt and jeans. And from the neck down, she isn’t broken. From the neck up? That’s a different story. Her hair and makeup made me think of Barbara Streisand with a more mannish face. During the shoots she has no clue what she is doing AND she has no personality, so why is she still here?
Jade was very excited when she learned that she would be dancing. Saying that it was a part of her identity and “Jade can dance”. She did put a lot of good enthusiasm into it, and she even took a water bottle and started splashing it on herself at the end. That would have been wonderful if it was a music video or a commercial, but it didn’t quite work here. Still, she looked really great, and how ’bout that tush tush tush? And seriously, if I have to hear about her potential in the third person any more, J-Unit is going to blow a fuse.
When it came time for judging, the girls were told they were going to demonstrate their signature walk. Tyra explained the first fashion show she ever saw was a church fashion show. Her signature walk was inspired by that first fashion show, and the way she looks around and the things she does with her arms all come from that. As an added level of difficulty, the girls were told they would have to do a slow twirl at the end so the judges could get a sense of their control and balance. As an added bonus, she even threw in a little bit of krump on her own, which wasn’t great, but was worth it, if only to see the look on Twiggy’s face.
If you are talking about the walks, I think you have to start with Jade. She’s obviously had a lot of practice, and she has just enough stomp to give it power. Joanie also has a lot of power in her step and works the hips well. Danielle’s walk does not have the power, but I like her style. It says, “I’m supposed to be here, I know it, so deal with it”. Sara is so tall, you can’t help but notice her presence, but the judges thought she stomped too much. As far as the bad walks go, I would say Furonda, who doesn’t move her right arm, and Leslie, who has that funny way of sticking her ass out that just makes the entire thing look very strange, like she was trying to squeeze a roll of quarters in her ass cheeks or something like that. The turns? Well, the less we say about them, the better.
During evaluations, I was really surprised at a lot of the feedback the judges had. I liked Jade’s picture and although they said she forgot that she was a model in her shoot, she has been shooting younger than she really looks. Oil of Olay better watch out. If girls knew that hollowed-out, heroin look was so good for fine lines and wrinkles, they would be out of business. While I thought Joanie had a good look, the judges were really blown away, saying that the picture really expressed who she was, and only regretted that she would smile more and wondered if it was because she was self-conscious about her tooth. That’s like somebody wondering if Tyra noticed that she has a huge forehead.
The most surprising praise came from Brooke’s photo. You know, they make so many tranny jokes about her, I thought this latest picture could add another twenty or so new ones to the collection. Instead they were gushing at how her face was ethnic and sexy, which I guess is true if you like having sex with Latin female impersonators. They even called her the real deal, which might be true if you are talking about her boobs, but not much else. Just because she has one picture when she doesn’t poke your eye out with her chin does not make her the real deal.
As soon as they started gushing about Brooke, I knew that I was in trouble. Jade did too well to be eliminated, and the only person I think is less attractive is Furonda, who at least takes good pictures. It came down to two of the prettier girls left, and after Mollie Sue’s ouster, losing another pretty face is not something I would suggest that they do.
In the end, it was Leslie vs. Sara. Sara has had a confidence problem lately, and the judges are concerned that she isn’t using her height to her advantage. There’s not much that you need to say about Leslie. Her biggest problem is that walk of hers, and while she is taking beautiful pictures, the judges don’t see “model” standing in front of them. That was the same complaint that brought down Mollie Sue, and it was the thing that brought down Leslie. They missed a chance to get rid of Jade last week, and she stepped up with a good performance. Meanwhile, I am running out of adjectives to describe how busted Brooke is and she stays, despite always being in the bottom three or four. That being said, with so much focus on this episode being the runway, Leslie’s picture was not so slamming that you could forget about that gimpy little sashay that she has. In other words, I still think Brooke should go, but I can live with Leslie leaving this week; I just wish we got a chance to see if she was hiding any more tattoos.
What did you think of this episode? Did the right girl go home?