Recap: America’s Next Top Dunkaroo

Did you know Australia is a fashion capital of the world? I kind of had an inkling cause I met a couple Australian girls in a hostel in Florence last year who wore heels while sightseeing. And Florence doesn’t really have public transportation, so sightseeing basically involves walking from one end of the city to the other. In heels. That’s some freaking COMMITMENT to FASHION. Anyways, this week, the girls go to Australia so Tyra can plug Australia’s Next Top Model.

But all in all, it’s a solid episode. I mean, it included a scene where Tyra greeted the girls in a ratty kangaroo costume and her wig almost fell off! CLASSIC. Once down undah, the girls have to film a Cover Girl commercial in an Australian accent. And this could spell doom for just about all of the girls, from our favorite Russian who can barely speak English, to Jael… who can barely speak English. So who goes home tonight?Previously on ANTM, Mother Renee and Dionne were visited by family. Tyra calls the photo shoot a “Top Model Extravaganza,” but I’d classify it more as a Top Model Clusterfuck. Natasha ruled, while Jael was a crackhead. Whitney finally got the axe, while Tyra went home and cried because her dream of having a plus-sized Top Model died. Six girls remain… Do you wanna be on top?

Tonight we open on Jael and Jaslene, those one-named-oneders. Jael just thinks the competition is awesome and loves every day because her brain is addled with CRACK. Jaslene, on the other hand, is getting frustrated. The judges think she is fading, but she thinks they’re making it harder for her. She vows to continue fighting, despite the added pressure.

Later, Ducky and Natasha chat by the fire strip. Natasha tells Ducky how in Moscow she had lots of friends and would go out all the time, but even then, when surrounded by lots of pretty Russian girls, Natasha knew she wanted to make more of her life than just marry some guy from the neighborhood. So she married some guy from Houston.

Guess who’s speaking.
(Also, note the firestrip in action.)

Jael loves how different and eccentric everyone in the house is. It makes her feel like she belongs there. But they are also pretty, Ducky. You’re missing that quality. Regardless, she has complete faith in herself because she is the “Spreader of Light.” Idiotic.

Tyra Mail! “Trust me, talking to people all day isn’t as easy as it looks,” Jael reads in a mildly offensive Russian accent. Natasha does not look amused. Sounds like they’re going to be interviewing people. Considering the contestants left, this should be hilarious.

The next morning, Jael opens the front door to reveal Cycle 2′s April standing there. Aaaand the clusterfuck continues. She looks like she’s developed a nice eating disorder since she left the show, but that’s beside the point. April is here to teach the girls how to conduct a good interview because of her vast experience as a correspondent for Miami Vibe. They show a clip and it looks so budget and Public Access that it doesn’t really further the impression that these contestants go on to successful careers.

Jaslene, for one, is excited for this opportunity because she wants to learn to “talk good.” Wah, wah. I don’t know if this is a grammar lesson, Jaslene, you might be out of luck.

April lays out two of the many different interviews you can encounter: 1. the person talks too much; or 2. the person barely speaks. Way to oversimplify. April then tells the girls she’s brought her friend Gary there to help teach the girls these skills. The skills of talking too much or too little in an interview? Check your pronoun references before you wreck yourself, April.

April explains that Gary is an expert in what makes a good interview. How does one acquire the title of Expert of Good or Bad Interviews? I think they give out Masters in What Makes a Good Interview at Bob’s College of Knowledge. Gary will be playing the interviewee to April’s interviewer in her demonstration.

Predictably, in one he rambles on and won’t let her get a word in, and in the other, he gives a one word answer. Glad we had that demonstration, or else I never would have know what an interview with a shy person looks like. Thanks, ANTM, for broadening my horizons.

“Do they think we’re f-ing retarded??”

April explains that when someone is rambling on, you should try to take the end of what they say and segue it into something new. They give a demonstration, but it just sounds like she’s interrupting. Smooth move, ex-lax. For an interview where you only get one-word responses, April recommends asking questions that necessitate a longer answer (No yes-or-no questions).

Now that they’ve seen the demonstration, April asks if any of the girls are ready to try it for themselves. Jaslene is nervous because she tends to lose her words, but April responds to that by making her go first. Burn. Jaslene gets two questions in before blanking. Gary recommends that when something like that happens, Jaslene should turn it to her advantage, “Wow, I’m so mesmerized by what you’re sharing with me, that I actually just lost my next question.” I hate you, Gary.

Natasha thinks she’ll make the best correspondent out of the group because she has the look and she’s able to talk. Lol. But she does do a very nice job while interviewing Renee. When Renee interviews Natasha, she cuts Nata off before she finishes a thought, but Natasha wants to get her last words in. April cuts them off, saying she senses a “ping-pong” back and forth. Yes usually interviews do go back and forth. I don’t understand your point, April.

Dionne asks Jael if she had any nerves during the audition. Jael responds that she’s never nervous because she’s the Queen of the World. I am so over you, Voldemort. Jael begins interviewing Dionne, and starts getting pretty aggressive for the pacifist duck she claims to be. Natasha comments that they are having a “hot” talk and says that when she looks at them, she imagines “two cats getting ready to jump on each other.” What we might call a “catfight,” if you will.

April comments that it was a combative interview, and Gary thinks Jael sounds affected and seems like she’s playing a role. No shit, Sherlock. If only we could get Jael to admit it.

Back at the house, it’s night and it seems like they’re all (sans Dionne, no idea where she is for this next scene.) wasted. They’re all just relaxing in the pool, throwing all those balls that are always floating in the pool at each other. You know, good old-fashioned drunk fun. And OF COURSE Jael is the only one topless. She’s just so free, you know?

The Duck, in her natural habitat.

Jael explains that ALL the girls in the house are really important to her. I mean, she has known them for like two whole months now. That’s like a lifetime in duck years. Renee says that despite their differences in the past, she and Jael are getting along really well now. Of course, at the end, she adds that she doesn’t know if Jael has what it takes to be a top model. Yeah cause she’s UGGO!

A new day dawns in LA. April is with the girls, about to explain their next challenge when a giant, orange kangaroo hops into the room, much to the hilarious shock of Jaslene.

She totally didn’t know that was coming! TOTALLY.

And who is inside this suit? Why, it’s Tyra Banks! I shit you not. Here’s a picture in case you don’t believe me:

What I wouldn’t give to see what’s below that handkerchief Tyra is desperately clutching to her head. Clearly the girls are going to Sydney, Australia, fashion mecca for the southern hemisphere (I totally just made that up). Jaslene is psyched because she’s “never been nowhere else besides the ‘hood and around the corner.”

Tyra doesn’t even know how far it is, but the girls are excited. Most of all Natasha, who’s screaming starts to sound like bad breaks on a car. The girls will do their correspondent challenge in Australia, and the winner of that challenge will appear more than once as a correspondent to the Tyra show. Oh I hope Natasha wins! I will totally DVR Tyra if it means I’ll see more Natasha!

Necessary?

Later that night the girls pack madly. Clothing is everywhere. Jael says she’s excited to go because she’s never been out of the country, plus she’s traveling with all her new friends, “so it’s kinda like a bunch of girlfriends won a free trip to Australia.” Yeah, a bunch of girlfriends who hate each other. So… yeah, a bunch of girlfriends.

Budget graphics show us the girls flying across the globe. They land safely in Sydney, Australia, and Natasha is so glad to be there. “Some girls want to go to Japan. Some are crazy about the Tibet, but I wanted to go to Australia,” she explains. It was funnier when she said it because Tibet became TIE-bet. Oh, you crazy Russian, you.

The girls are greeted by Erika Heynatz. Instinctively, I would grab my purse, because everyone knows Australia is populated by descendents of criminals. HOT criminals, but criminals nonetheless. She’s here because she was the “original” host of Australia’s Top Model. Yeah she doesn’t seem nearly crazy enough to host a show of this caliber.

As usual, the girls are immediately whisked from the airport to their next job. Because that’s how real models roll. As Erika starts telling the girls about their next challenge, she starts in with the Aussie slang and everyone’s confused. Heh. Like Australian is a language.

Jaslene correctly comments that she has a huge question mark on her forehead. I mean, she barely speaks American. In today’s challenge, the girls will do a bunch of interviews and have to incorporate as much Aussie slang as possible. She hands them their “Aussie slang Bible” to study, which has the bitchin-est cover sheet I’ve ever seen. In third grade.

Wait, Aussies come from AUSTRALIA?? NO FREAKING WAY!

Brittany is nervous about this challenge because of her short-term memory. Read this paragraph carefully because she’s going to talk about this another million times in this episode, and I’m only explaining it once. Apparently when she was in high school, Brittany got hit by a car and had eight staples in her head. YIKES! I sympathize, because I have a friend who had a head injury that affected her memory, and it is an incredibly frustrating thing to happen. However, we all know what a whiney baby Brittany can and will be and this is going to get old fast.

The girls cram on their slang. Dionne is nervous because they just got off the plane with no sleep and now they have to participate in this challenge. Dionne, if you’d seen any other season, you would know that you’d have to be doing something right after you got off the plane, so quit your bitching. I’m over it.

She wore that on the plane. Where does one buy a fluorescent green tutu??

Renee gets off to a great start, smoothly incorporating four slang words in two interviews. Dionne… not so much. She instead prefers “That’s cool, that’s cool.” Jael looks and acts like a crackhead as usual, but manages to get at least one slang word in. Brittany speaks to an American woman and asks what she thinks the biggest American fashion faux-pas is. The woman responds, “Women wearing skimpy tops with their bra straps showing.” Brittany realizes she’s committing that error at the moment and I laugh at the good zing by that rando tourist. Lol, tourist. Lol.

Lol, graphics department.

Jaslene also gets in a couple slang words, but Natasha totally cleans up, using words the other girls didn’t in her funny, English-is-clearly-NOT-her-first-language ways. After the challenge, Erika tells the girls they won’t find out the winner until panel that week, and sends them off to their Australian accommodations. I haven’t been watching Australia’s Next Top Model on VH1, but I wonder if this is the apartment they use because it’s FREAKING HUGE. Like the House of Top Model in LA, there are pictures of Tyra and past models everywhere. I miss the days of yore, when the girls were put up in tiny hotel rooms. Made for better drama.

The next morning the girls find Tyra Mail! “Get ready to put up your dukes.” The girls think they must be doing something with a kangaroo. Do they really have the budget for TWO kangaroos?

Didgeridoos grumble as the girls pull up on location to find Man Jay waiting. He says they are in the Australian Outback, but it looks a little green for that. Man Jay explains that today the girls are doing a commercial for Cover Girl in an Australian accent. WHY!?!?! It’s clearly never going to be aired outside of this show because the girls are going to sound absurd.

God, there’s even product placement on the script!

Hair and makeup-ing as the girls try to memorize their lines. They take advantage of the local talent to ask for pronunciations in an Australian accent. Renee goes first, planning to channel the late, great Crocodile Hunter. Of course, she sounds pretty ridiculous, but Jay tells her to be as over-the-top as she can. He brings in the cue cards to help her get through the lines, and she ends well.

Dionne, too, has trouble because she can recognize how silly she sounds. At take 15 she finally gets through the lines, but Jay thought it all sounded like one run-on sentence. Meanwhile, Ducky is communing with nature. Shut up, crackhead.

That chicken is like, “Sorry, I don’t associate with DUCKS.”

Jay tells her to try to sound conversational during Jael’s shoot, but she has trouble even remembering the lines. As she gets more confident, her body language goes crazy and she looks completely spastic. At take 23, Jay seems to give up and just tries to get some beauty shots out of her. Good luck with that.

Even her smile is ugly.

Jael starts to cry, because she knows she’s not the girl-next-door, but consoles herself by touching the grass and animals and climbing some trees. Jael wishes she could have been up there in black leather with a whip. Um, I don’t think that’s really the image Cover Girl is going for. But, hey, maybe she could work for MAC Cosmetics? They seem to be into that.

As Jaslene walks onto set, Man Jay comments that she looks like Janice Dickinson from the ’70′s. Jaslene does look amazing, if in need of like 50 brownies. Considering how poorly she did memorizing her lines for last week’s acting challenge, she does surprisingly well, nailing the lines on her sixth take and without cue cards. Man Jay is impressed.

“I’m going to need 50 lbs of fudge STAT!”

Brittany is up next, and she’s nervous because of her poor memory. When she tells Man Jay about her memory problems, he understands, but comments that she’s going to have to work through that to be a spokesmodel. She has a nice accent, but can barely get through the first line. They bring in the cue cards, but she still can’t get through the whole script. She gets frustrated and cries. It would all be much more sympathetic if she wasn’t such a crybaby about other things. She’s literally the girl who cried wolf.

Even pretty when she cries. Take note, Voldemort.

Natasha is up last. Her body positioning isn’t great, but she gets through the lines. Man Jay instructs her to have more fun with it, and Natasha gets it on take 9. The accent is silly, but Jay’s happy they got through it. Natasha, for one, “feels bloody good about it, mate.” Lol.

America’s Next Top Oompa Loompa, lookin’ fierce.

On the car ride home, none of the girls feel that great about their performance and are worried about who is going home. They all know that the judges could feel the exact opposite of Man Jay, so no one is safe. Brittany cries some more, blah blah blah.

Panel time! Tyra is not wearing a head scarf, for once! We all know the prizes and today’s guest judge is Erika Heynatz, from their challenge this week.

The essence of absurd.

Natasha is first in front of the panel. Tyra shows the finished, edited commercial first. Thanks to editing, all the girls look pretty great, even if they sound ridiculous. We see Natasha’s best take. Tyra can’t believe how well she did, considering English isn’t her first language. Natasha emoted well during the commercial, and emphasized her words well. They thought she was trying to look too sexy, but did well overall.

Dionne’s best take is not good, and sometimes she slips into a Jamaican accent. Tyra reminds her that when going for a younger consumer, she should be a bit perkier and campy and gives a spastic line reading. Thanks, but no thanks, Tyra. Erika tells Dionne she should have had more of a sense of humor about the shoot.

Tyra likes Jaslene’s commitment to her accent, as off as it was. Tyra wishes she would have let go a little more, and Erika comments that Jaslene frowns as she speaks, which wrinkles her forehead and doesn’t look pretty. Tyra would like to see more control of her expressions.

Renee explains to the panel that she was channeling Steve Irwin during her shoot, and Tyra comments that yeah, she was channeling the MAN part. HA! Ms. Jay wishes she’d looked soft and pretty, rather than mannish and aggressive. Nigel, however, thinks one of her shots looks like Princess Diana. Tyra says that Renee has to remember the soft and pretty part when she’s selling makeup.

The judges are not pleased with Jael’s best take, especially since it isn’t even one take. Tyra comments that this isn’t a typical “Jael” look, and it shows. She thinks it looked like Jael was doing a mocking impression of a Cover Girl, instead of actually being a Cover Girl. Tyra explains that Jael could have taken the lines and image and made it work for her.

Brittany is up last for maximum drama. Tyra comments that it looked like Brittany was near tears in the commercial and asks why. Oh here we go! Brittany starts crying and explains about her short-term memory. I mean, her frustration is totally understandable, but she does need to get those tears under control. Ms. Jay’s response is to drone: “Fashion has no sympathy or empathy.” Tyra says that while they have grown to know and love her over the past weeks in this competition, others will not have that chance, so Brittany needs to find a way to work with her disability. Erika cheers her up a bit by telling Brittany she had some nice moments of beautiful Australian. Twiggy thinks that the shots where she wasn’t speaking were beautiful and not too over-the-top like some of the other girls.

The judges deliberate. They think Dionne was forgettable. Renee has a nice speaking voice and was Twiggy’s favorite. Jael was a mess and wouldn’t get through the door at a major fashion magazine. Brittany was upset and it showed. She needs to learn to conquer her nerves and short-term memory problem. It’s one thing to forget her lines, it’s another to be a crying mess at panel. Natasha was charming and her commercial looked real. Erika finds Jaslene’s drag-i-ness overwhelming, but Tyra thinks she can learn to pull it back. Except last week you said she was getting lost and fading. Make up your mind!!

Six girls, five photos. Tyra’s taken what are called “screen captures” from their commercials. Faaaancy!! First photo goes to… Natasha! And she won the challenge. I’m setting my DVR as we speak. Renee, Jaslene and Dionne are also safe, which leaves Jael and Brittany in the bottom. Brittany takes great photos, but needs to be able to deliver a commercial. Jael is here because she never really had a chance. Her commercial was “horrible.” Brittany gets the photo, so Jael is taking another 24-hour plane ride. Burn.

Ducky says she loves all the other girls and that the competition changed her life. She packs her things and leaves the apartment in a red tutu and blue wig. No room in the suitcase for more tulle, I guess? Bye, Voldemort!

So we’ve got our final five. My money is on Natasha. Next week the girls have go-sees and must use those absurd one-word names. The pressure gets to Brittany and she flips out. Uh oh, gonna make it two-in-a-row, Brit?