***Note From the Editor: Krank Mills had a last second “real life” commitment to attend to, so the ANTM recaps will be taken over by one of your favorites….the lovely, the fantastically brilliant, the sublime and stick thin….PACHITA!!!
It’s baaaaaaaack! America’s Next Top Model is back with cycle 9 and I am one excited chalupa. I LOVE this show. If there is one thing I don’t mind watching all day long (because have you SEEN the ridiculous marathons they’ve been having?) it’s ANTM. This show makes me realize; it’s not what you look like that makes you standout, its what you look like with loads of makeup, a weave, and professional lighting!
Anyways, as it was just decided today that I would take on Cycle 9, I wanted to post a quick look at our top 13 so we could gab about the girls before the fun starts tonight! That said, I’m going to dive right in and hope for the best.
Bigger was better, baby!
Ambreal: Not necessarily the most striking girl picked, but is very sure of herself when it comes to walking. She says she’s got the best walk out there and knows it’s good because she does it all the time. Newsflash girly, everyone walks. All the time. I’ve been walking for 22 years, could I be Americas Next Top Model?
The giant squares at the bottom of this pattern are very brave indeed.
Heather: Not only has Asperger’s syndrome rendered her socially-awkward, but she has a hunchback from slouching through life. My Poppy would hang his head in shame. Underdog? To say the least.
You got a letter from Notre Dame. They miss ya.
Chantal: A Trishelle look-alike with bottle-blond hair. She has a strong knowledge of designers (probably from fawning over Vogue instead of ever studying) which won the judges over. She claims she has something no one else does. She doesn’t know what it is, but its there. Something the French call a certain “I-don’t-know-what”. Nice job, maybe you should have spent more time studying after all. And does anyone else think her head is too small for her body?
Or his her body too big for her head? Or is it just those damned squares? When did these come into fashion? Make them stop.
Ebony: Roll out the red carpet, Gasmii, because the princess has arrived. Miss Thang walked into the competition like she had already won and immediately started throwing out some major ‘tude. At dinner on the first night she asked “alright, who’s got an eating disorder?” Trying hard to make friends, I see. We find out later that her mother was a crack-addict and she was raised by her grandmother, who passed away recently. Yes, that is sad, but not a good reason for cattiness and an over inflated ego.
Only a crack head would let their daughter leave the house in those leggings.
Bianca: I like this girl a lot. Not only does she have a gorgeous face, but a seemingly great personality to match. I CANNOT wait for makeovers so they can burn her $25 half purple-half black weave though.
Get me a pair of clippers before I shave that weave off.
Janet: Looks an awful lot like Sarah from Cycle 8, but not as much of a know-it-all (thank goodness). She makes a living as a bikini-waxer and gives Tyra a simulated wax on the judges table. 1) Ouch. 2) No thank you. But I will give her some Pach-points for quirkiness.
Thank God she doesn’t make her living giving colonics. That would have been uncomfortable.
Jenah: Already one of my least favorites because she spells her name with an “h” at the end. Why? WHY? She is the one of the few girls in the top 13 with the natural “high-fashion” look. Too bad this is not paired with class. She bragged to the judges that she “knows stuff” because she reads books and plays beer pong. Jenna (I refuse to spell it with that insipid -ah), if reading books and playing beer pong make you smart and knowledgeable, consider me the next Alfred Nobel.
I know lots of stuff too. Burp.
Kimberly: Not much to say about this one. She’s cute and quiet which, following ANTM tradition, means she won’t last very long.
You’re thighs are amazing. Bye!
Lisa: One of my favorites. She is an exotic dancer (but she doesn’t get naked!), she’s beautiful, she kicked ass at the quickie beach shoot, and she seems really nice. Can she keep it up all season?
The Flashdance hair hints at endurance.
Mila: This seasons “…her?” For me at least. She is strange, not very cute and, well… strange. She is creepy-cheery and apparently doesn’t remember the last time she cried. Mila, that is a serious offense to womankind. I cried over the weekend when my boyfriend turned off the coffee pot before I had had my third cup (I don’t do microwaved coffee, it tastes funny). Then yesterday I read a cute story in the newspaper and cried again. Okay, I may cry a bit more than the average person, but at least I’m not a ROBOT, MILA.
Kick her in the knee. That should do it.
Saleisha: Another one of my faves. Tyra announces that Saleisha attended her T-Zone camp, and tells her she’ll be harder on her than the rest (or an automatic favorite, whichever). Apparently T-Zone gave her strength and confidence that she had never known before. Aww! Chances are, the judges will hate some of her pictures and reduce her to an insecure mess.
Don’t bring the teacher an apple, sugar. Eat one.
Sarah: Pretty in pictures, but the judges can’t decide what to classify her as. She’s too small to be a plus-sized model and too big to be a regular model, so they dub her a “real-sized model.” I think this is supposed to sound refreshing, but its just not. I hate to say it, but I bet she’ll last for a while because Tyra doesn’t want anyone to think she discriminates against the bigger gals. She just doesn’t have the body to model (and it’s not because of her size, last seasons plus size models were bigger, but didn’t look flabby…).
This girl’s almost plus sized?? I am in some serious trouble.
Victoria: Yale graduate whose friends entered her “as a joke” and when she made it she figured, why not? That’s just great. How many episodes do you think we’ll get before she’s having the “you don’t want this, why are you here?” talk with someone? I will give her this though: she is very unique looking in that she has the longest face I have ever seen. Seriously, she’s like a cuter, less deformed version of that thing from Mask.
They shoot horses, don’t they?
And that is all of them. Who do you guys think will make it till the end? I always have a hard time picking the winners at the beginning, mainly because they all make so much progress. The season previews promise lots o’ drama and, as always, some fabulous pictures. I’m really just hoping for another flesh-eating virus because really, no show is complete without one.