Americas Next Top Model: Nudie Monster!

This week on Americas Next Top Model, those looking for a Project Runway crossover kinda got their wish! To be honest, I was a little disappointed that Heather versus the world wasn’t quite as epic as the previews led me to believe. We also had a close encounter with a creature that nearly sent me to the hospital, as well as some big news! Find out what went down, after the jump…

Hey Ambreal, is that your hand on my thigh?

Lisa! Say it ain’t so! What are you doing in the opening scene?! No, it can’t be, my strippa sure as hell is not going home before Ambreal, right? Anyway, she tells us she’s nervous because she didn’t do that well at the last shoot and needs to bring her A game this time around.

Tyra Mail (that was quick, eh?)! Get ready to be schooled. Oooh, I don’t know what that’s pertaining to but me likey!

The next day the girls arrive at FIDM and meet up with Benny Ninja-Samurai-Scotsman. Why are we wearing so much crazy, Mr. Ninja? He tells them for today’s challenge they will pair up with one of the fashion students and will need to be their designer’s muse. I smell a Hills crossover, too! Oh, wait, both of those idiots dropped out of school…

Benny is there with Elite Model Management director Neil Hamil. He tells the girls that each of their designers will have to make dresses out of existing dresses that hail straight from the Chico’s clearance rack.

Ooh, if only they had that in lime…

Heather is really unhappy about the “blue monstrosity”. But really, what did Chico’s ever do to you? And since when are you such a snob?

The girls all get paired up and meet with their designers. Lisa gets a glorious little man named Angelo Estrada. The racing stripes shaved into the side of his head really give him a certain je ne sais quois. He is all kinds of sassy and asks her to tell him a little bit about herself. It goes a little something like this….

L- likes to show her legs
I - isn’t really sure what else to say…
S- smiles awkwardly because she just realized she’s boring
A- actually, likes to draw!

Bianca’s designer is a girl named Yuko who dreams up a Cleopatra theme for Bianca. Bianca is not feeling it at all.

Jenah’s designer is thinking ballerina for her, prompting Jenah to ask “so, where does the rock star element fit in? Because FYI, I am totally punk.”

Back at Bianca’s table, Yuko is all over this Cleopatra business. She tells B the setting will be a private beach in the Mediterranean, because Cleopatra doesn’t do public beaches. Bitch please, she’s the Ptolemaic Queen for crizzakes, she would buy the beach. But Yuko doesn’t stop there, and kicks it into overdrive, suggesting “some like, little-big earrings maybe.” Brilliant! Maybe we can pair those with some high-heeled-flats, or even a messenger-clutch purse.

Heather is paired with a boy named Justin. He asks her about herself and she tells him, “when I was a kid, my friends would always be water nymphs and I would be air… or fire.” Which begs the question, what the shit kind of games were you playing when you were younger? Because it sure beats the crap out of Crab-Apple Tag, where we would throw crab apples at each other from opposite sides of the street (and yes, it’s just as painful as it sounds), or Crab-Apple Cricket when Sukemar’s family moved onto the block. We had an abundance of crab apple trees…

The girls are sent home so the designers can get to work. Back at the house, the girls all lay around chatting. Bianca says that her pictures are getting better, but she really wants to win a challenge. Ambreal thinks the judges wanted to send her home because they lost their faith in her. Yes, that’s it; they’ve lost their faith in you. It has nothing to do with the fact that they don’t think you look like a model. Keep telling yourself that.

Bianca lowers her voice (ooh, secret time!) and tells the other girls that she used to think Heather was a big threat. Now she thinks that Heather has an amazing face but… she has an amazing face. Her words. Now, I’m not sure what the logic is there, but I also don’t think anyone had B pegged as the brightest bulb in the box (if you catch my drift). What she meant was that Heather doesn’t really bring much else to the table. Ambreal agrees, saying that she fears for her when she opens her mouth. I hear ya, Ambreal, especially if you’re thinking what I’m thinking will come out of it everytime, which is that creepy meow the boy in “The Grudge” makes.

The next morning the girls head back over to FIDM. Ann Shoket, the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, is there to announce the prize of today’s runway challenge. The winner gets to appear in the Seventeen Holiday Jewelry spread! The girls all look really excited and go to get into their dresses.

Jenah is super sonic stoked because her dress is SO her. She knows she inspired it. Her, or Madonna a la “Like A Virgin”, but let’s not split hairs.

Bianca thinks her dress is boring and I guess she is kind of right. It’s very Swan Lake and anyone who has seen more than a minute of Bianca knows that she’s not all that delicate. If I were designing a dress for her I’d need glass shards, rusty nails and a whole lot of rubble.

Heather is whining about her dress not being ‘her’ enough and I feel really bad for her designer, who’s desperately trying to come up with nice things to say to her. Incidentally, her dress is actually not bad and kind of cute, what’s the problem?

Benny Ninja meets the girls backstage before they start and informs them that they will have to say a few lines about what they’re wearing and what inspired it at the end of the runway. Bianca goes first and is throwing down all kinds of attitude, in a fabulous way. She announces that she is the 2007 remake of Cleopatra Jones and mentions something about the ladies needing to hold onto their men. For one thing, I don’t know that that’s the best way to gain votes. Plus, I’m not sure Yuki even knows who Cleopatra Jones is. I am fairly certain she was thinking of, oh I don’t know, the Hellenistic ruler of Egypt?

A whole world of difference.

Heather is up next in her cute blue dress. She gets to the end of the runway and freezes when it comes time to speak, so instead just opens and shuts her mouth a few times.

What is it girl?! Saleisha stuck in a well? Bianca torturing kittens again?

Finally, she speaks. “With my timeless look… and [nervous laughter] amazing personality (and how!)… I was able to inspire the spirit of the ocean.” Ouch.

Lisa also stumbles over her words when she gets on the runway and, as she rejoins the girls backstage, mumbles “no more Top Model for me.” Well, certainly not with an attitude like that missy!

Saleisha WORKS it in her pixie dress and inspires the men in the audience to put a mental picture of her in their spank banks when she throws a sassy little wink over her shoulder.

“Tinkerbell ain’t got shit on me”

After all the girls have gone, Neil and Ann give their critiques. Ambreal was too cheesy, Bianca had waaay too much attitude, Lisa needs more confidence and Heather was too bland. Heather is upset by this and tells us “I’m not the ocean.” You don’t say!

The winner of the challenge is Saleisha and she picks Lisa and Bianca to go with her to the shoot. Heather is still upset and Bianca tells her she needs a tougher skin. I think she meant thicker… oh hell. You know what? It would take far too long for me to correct everything this girl says.

The girls all head back to the house and, on their way in, Heather mumbles “I call shower” so lowly that, were it not for the subtitles, I wouldn’t have even noticed it. Now, I’m pretty sure that this is just the beginning of Heather vs. the world, but I’m also an authority on calling dibs and if no one hears you, it 100% does not count.

Tyra Mail! The heat is on! The girls all seem to be pretty over TyraMail and don’t react or try to figure it out.

Next thing you know, Saleisha and Lisa go sprinting for the shower, which Heather is not too happy about. She strips down and stalks into the shower with them.

Naked models and showers… shouldn’t this be sexier?

Heather tells us the girls knew she called the shower and also know she’s not having the best of days. So? You live in a house with a group of girls (and apparently one shower), I’m sure some of them have had bad days. Besides, where did this false sense of entitlement come from? You’re having a bad day so the girls need to give you everything you want? I don’t think it works that way, although in college I knew a girl who moved home shortly after an incident where my roommate ate her last EZ-Mac. On the one hand, it’s just EZ-Mac. On the other, if anyone had laid a finger on one of my 10-for-$1.00 Ramen noodles, I would have straight up cut a bitch.

Anyway, Heather starts yelling at the girls (and yes, they are all still in the shower), to which they shoot right back “you’re in the shower so shut up!” Touché!
Heather informs us that the girls forget that she, too, has a breaking point and proceeds to glare creepily at all the girls from inside the shower. That’s what happens when you reach your breaking point?! When I hit my breaking point I start eating light bulbs and lighting people on fire (I told you last week, gasmii, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry). The girls all think this is hilarious because, hey, crazies usually are.

After Showergate ’07 has subsided, Bianca continues to stir the pot. She asks Heather what she’s so upset about, to which Heather replies “you didn’t hear ANY of my critique?” Good lord, get over it. Seriously, if you can’t handle one bad critique you will not last long as a model.

The next morning the girls get ready and head out to the photo shoot. The Green Machine takes them to the middle of the desert and deserts them (ha!) with nothing but a cameraman. Just as the vultures start circling, they see a figure in the distance walking towards them. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Jay! He tells them today they’re going to be modeling in Model Wasteland. Today isn’t just about posing and pretty, it’s about showing him desperation. Ooh, kinky! Methinks there are a couple of girls who will rock desperate (cough, Ambreal, cough cough).

Jay leads them to an oasis and the girls get their hair and makeup did in preparation. Trevor O’Shana, the photographer, comes in and introduces himself to the girls. He was the photographer for a shoot that I don’t recognize from Cycle 6.

Bianca is up first and, honestly, doesn’t look that good. She can’t seem to move away from the angry face and a few times looks like she smells something really rank. Jay actually thinks she’s doing a great job so… maybe smelling foul = desperation? Hey, whatever works.

The Sultan of Makeup is getting Heather ready and she starts to complain about her negative critique again. Luckily, Chantal (along with the rest of the world) is tired of hearing it and tells Heather to let it go and make up for it on the shoot. Chantal, I am so glad you stepped out of the shadows, I love you.

Heather’s shoot does not go very smooth and Jay tells us she usually does a great job of creating a dynamic shot. Not today. It must be because of that HORRIBLE critique she got. How can she go on after hearing she didn’t capture the essence of ocean on the runway?!? King Triton would be so disappointed.

Chantal and Saleisha go and both rock it, natch. When Ambreal goes Jay tells her she poses too much and she gets really frustrated because, as Bianca put it, “Jay’s like, your arch enemy.”

Jenah does fantastic, as usual. Lisa does well but Jay doesn’t think she sold the garment well. And, at the end of the day, its all about the clothes. I guess it’s time to retire my My Little Pony and Cruella De Ville tee-shirts then… but I’m keeping my monkey socks. You can take away my tees but you can NEVER take away my socks!

Back at the house Bianca keeps stirrin that pot and asks Heather what Jay’s criticism was at the shoot. Heather tells her that it wasn’t her best shoot. She’s really frustrated because she tried her hardest and OH MY GOD DO I REALLY HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR THE ENTIRE HOUR?!?!

All the girls are sitting around and Bianca tells Heather she needs to stop being so serious all the time. She brings up Showergate again and I pop a handful of Excedrins. Saleisha starts in with “I’ve had to shower with every girl here” (eew) and Heather counters with “I wasn’t upset about the SHO-WER! I just have a problem with someone butting me out even though I called it” So… your problem was with the shower. Glad we settled that.

Heather then takes her holier-than-though attitude a step further and says “if you guys had what I had happen to you you’d have acted the same way.” What?! Oh no you did NOT just try to bring up your fucking critique again. For real? Ambreal interjects and tells Heather that PLENTY (and she is not exaggerating) of things have happened that upset her and she didn’t take it out on the other girls.

Finally Ambreal says (to us, unfortunately, not the other girls) that she thinks Heather’s been babied. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, AMBREAL. She’s been babied from day one because of her disability and now its gone to her head. I hope you’re happy, Tyra. You’ve created a monster. And she wreaks havoc in the nude.

Tyra Mail! Tomorrow the girls meet with the judges and only 6 will continue on…. woot woot!

Panel time! Tyra greets the girls and starts off by telling them their prizes. She begins to announce their judges; the lovely Nigel Bar- holy shit, I just shot coffee through my nose. Did you see that? Please tell me that Excedrin wasn’t straight from the Chinese black market because I think I’m hallucinating.

Okay, creepy dragon thing is not going away but the girls seem to be noticing it too so I can rule out poltergeist. Tyra does not miss a beat and keeps talking when HOLY MOTHER OF PACHITA a freaking dragon 10 times the size of the first one comes running out. Seriously, Tyra, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Because it’s kind working. Holy crap, I’m jumpier than I was that time I had to drive a bus full of people with a bomb that would detonate if I went slower that 50 mph…

Tyra starts talking to the dragon who moves it mouth but no sound comes out and I go touch the dogs to see if they’re real and make sure I haven’t somehow been transported into a parallel universe full of dragons and stinging nostrils (because, ouch).

The dragon continues to make nonsensical facial movements at Tyra when finally Tyra turns to the girls and goes “Ladies, this lion just informed me that you are going to CHINAAAAAAA!” WOAH, hold the phones. T-Bo, that is NOT a lion. That doesn’t even kind of look like a lion. In fact, I think you just offended the entirety of China by thinking their trademark dragon is anything but.

Yes, honey, I know what sound a lion makes. The question is, do you know what one looks like?

The girls all start freaking out and dragons and Chinamen come out of nowhere and start dancing. This is exciting! Tyra even opens a fan and smiles! Oh, wait a second ladies, there’s still a cut tonight, they’ve only got 6 tickets on the Orient Express. Wow, T-Bo, that is low, even for you.

Oops! Not so fast, Ambreal!

Score! Gratuitous dragon banging!

Okay, enough of that nonsense, its time for the individual evaluations. Jenah is up first. Her best shot is, as per usual, great. Very damsel-in-distress. The judges love her body language and Tyra tells her she was all over the place in a fantastic way

Up next is Heather. Her best shot is interesting, but there’s not much to see of Heather because of her pose. Can’t see the garment, can’t see her face…Twiggy and Nigel love it, Tyra tells her that it was her weakest shoot to date and asks her what she was feeling. She gives some random answer about “one of those days” and I pray that Tyra says something along the lines of “tough titties.” Tell me that’s not something you think she would say!

Up next is Saleisha. I really like her best shot, mainly because her hair is the antithesis of a Beatle bob. Twigs loves the attitude, Nigel doesn’t think it’s striking, and Tyra likes that she took a lot of different chances but wishes she had done it for all her film, not just two frames.

Chantal is up next and I really like her best shot. The judges agree, Nigel thinks its almost her best picture to date and Twigs thinks its just beautiful.

Next up is Ambreal. The judges pull up her best shot and… I don’t hate it. I think it stands out from the other girls’ because she’s sitting cross legged on the floor, which is actually a negative because then she’s not showing off the clothes. The clothes are all that matter, people! Although, really, if that’s the case, then why did they like Heather’s picture so much more?

Next we have Bianca. I really don’t like her best shot. Like i said before, she just comes off looking angry in all her pictures! Even Mizz Jay tells her it looks like she just set the car on fire. Between you and me, I wouldn’t put it past her. She is, however, showing the dress well, which is what the judges notice.

Last but not least is Lisa. I’m not crazy about her best shot. She appears to have elongated her neck to the point where I think she may be half alien. Nigel thinks she could have utilized her long arms and legs better and the rest of the judges agree that she should remember to elongate her legs as much as possible.

The girls are sent out so the judges can deliberate. It sounds like they are starting to be a little harder on Heather. I mean, lets face it, even if she makes it to the top two, she can’t beat any of the other girls in a runway challenge. She just doesn’t have the poise.

Tyra brings the girls back in and starts with the pictures. Lisa and Ambreal are in the bottom two this week. Lisa has tears streaming down her face because she knows what she has to go back to once she’s cut.

It’s very glam

Ambreal stands and smiles in that ‘I know what’s coming, will you please just get it over with already so I can lock myself in a closet somewhere to cry’ kind of way. I think we all know what’s coming here. Ambreal is going home. She hugs the girls and gives them her blessing, which is nice and all, but if it were me I’d try to shiv someone so I could go on the trip in their place.

Once she’s out of the room the top 6 immediately forget her name because F YEAH, BITCHES, THEY’RE GOING TO CHINA!!!

And that’s it for this episode. What did you guys think about Heather’s “breaking point”? How much do you want to bet one of the opening scenes next week will be a montage complete with every stereotype about China that exists? And finally, how has Tyra never been there??

Til next time, you stay classy Gasmii.