Americas Next Top Model: Ni hao, favoritism!

My sincere apologies for the late recap guys, but you just wouldn’t believe what happened. I had just finished spreading cheer to terminally ill children at local hospitals and rawhides at the animal shelter when a van pulled up beside me and masked men threw a burlap sack over my head and tossed me into the car. They held me for a week for no reason at all. It was strange, we played a lot of poker. I tried my best to get on the internet but my captors weren’t too keen on the “I swear, I just need to post me recap!” bit. Ah well, on with the show!

Now just put my head on the cat and that was my weekend.

This week the girls head to China and ni hao their way around town. Seriously, they say it constantly. It gets really annoying. Not annoying in an “okay, that was fun the first few times, but stop now” kind of way, but more in a “wow, really guys? Because if you say that one more time I will 100% bitch-slap you in the mouth and sick Chinese dragons on you” sorta way.

Anyway, the girls are all super excited to be going, and Heather says it is the one place she has always wanted to visit. I’m so sure. We see the obligatory girls-faces-in-animated-plane-windows-while-plane-traverses-the-world montage, and once in China (wow, that was fast!) they hop into a van and head out.

Chantal tells us she had no idea China was so futuristic and she feels like she’s in The Jetsons. Maybe I wasn’t watching closely enough but I am 96% sure I didn’t see any flying cars, robot maids, or Space Needle-esque houses.

Oh, I take that back. Mr. Spacely had a boat just like that…

The van takes the girls to meet Jay1 and Jay2 for no reason at all before they head to the hotel where they will be residing. What kind of shabby digs are they put up in this time? The freaking penthouse suite. The only way I will ever get into a penthouse suite is if I dress as a bellboy and fake a room service delivery to execute one of my crazy schemes. Tee-hee! Me and my antics…

Oops, there’s a catch. Because why wouldn’t there be? Those zany producers only put 5 beds in the suite. 5 beds! 6 girls! The horror! All the girls run and dive for a bed and Heather is left standing. Ouch, I remember the burn of losing musical chairs well. Heather gets herself all worked up and demands that someone share with her. The other girls kind of laugh this off and tease that she sleep on the couch and I giggle because, come on, I would say the same thing to any of my friends before ultimately scooching over and sharing. Sharing is caring, folks.

Heather doesn’t like the taunting and starts crying. Anyone who has ever worked with mean-spirited pre-schoolers knows that is not a smart move as the other girls start circling like sharks to blood and insisting its not a big deal, why is she so upset, its just a bed, etc etc. Chantal in the big-girl pants finally steps in and tells everyone to lay off, and says two girls will have to share, prompting Bianca and Jenah to offer. I LOVE YOU CHANTAL!

Bianca tells us “I know that Heather has a disability but its really annoying that she’s 21 years old and needs other people to stand up for her.” This may be true, but don’t you also think (as a super mature 19 year old) that you could have been the bigger person from the beginning, Bianca? Nonsense, that would be ever so droll!

Tyra Mail! The girls will be kicking some ass the next day, woot!

The girls are brought to some big film studio where they are greeted by a tour guide. He is walking them around the facility when he is attacked by silk pajama clad Chinamen!

Ni hao. I challenge you to a pillowfight!

Silly tour guide, he’s actually a martial arts artist! He tells the girls they will be learning about fight movement or something and they learn a few moves in the middle of the street.

After the lesson, the girls all change into robes and are led into a courtyard where two people are fighting! And then the are airlifted by invisible cords so it looks like they’re fly-fighting! Wow, China is awesome. People are just Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon-ing all the livelong day.

The girls are informed that they will be paired off and will have to go into the poses they were taught while being lifted into the air.

Jenah and Chantal go first – Jenah can’t find her balance and does poorly, Chantal does alright. Lisa and Saleisha go together and both do well. Heather and Bianca are last and Bianca makes a big stink about the heights. Oh spare me, haven’t there already been several height-related challenges? And every time a different girl freaks out. Lame! Anyway, when they finally go, Heather does really well and Bianca just cries and makes them take her out of the harness.

Heather is the challenge winner and wins a 4000 rmb shopping spree for two! Wow! Oh, wait, 4000 rmb is only $513. Which, split two ways (I’m kind of a math wiz) is hardly enough to call a shopping spree. Anywho, she chooses Chantal to go with and tells us that she would have picked Bianca because she was so scared but, sometimes a job will need you to do things you don’t want to do (wait, what kind of jobs are we talking about?), and she’s showing her some tough love. Dammit Heather, sometimes I love you, sometimes you get on my nerves, but then you go and be all mature about something and I can’t help but agree…

The girls head out for their shopping trip and are really taking in China. “We’re kind of like giants in a land of little people,” Heather tells us. How culturally sensitive!

Tyra Mail! Then next day they’ll be challenging their inner queen are are supposed to bring an outfit that describes their personality. Yay, CoverGirl commercial time!

Jay1 and Someyoungguy (HA!) are waiting for them the next day and inform the girls they’ll be shooting a commercial and a print ad for the CoverGirl Queen line that day. All the girls are given a script (wuh-oh!) that they have to learn, and a space where they are supposed to add something about themselves.

Saleisha is up first and does really well. Its very cutesy, and Jay1 loves it.

Bianca sounds like she’s poorly imitating a baby voice. Its awful. If I were the sound effects guy for this episode I would throw in a few screeching cats. She goes through the lines fine but its just alright.

Heather is up next. Blech. That’s all I have in my notes, ‘blech!’ Jay1 tells the photographer “well, she looks great.” She can’t get through a single line and Jay ends up having to feed them to her one by one. Okay, fine, she has a disability, whatever. But even being fed the lines she still does poorly. Someone’s going home!

Jenah does the lines fine but… I just don’t think she looks good without 2 tons of makeup and an expert hairstyle. I guess not everyone can be as naturally beautiful as the Pach.

Chantal does fine and its all very girl-next-door. Lisa is up last and is really, really, painfully nervous. She makes faces as if someone’s sticking her back with needles as she talks and tears eventually start welling up in her eyes. Jay1 tells her she needs to relax. Hey, Jay, why don’t you feed HER the lines?!

Tyra Mail! Only 5 girls will continue on…

Panel Time! The girls arrive at the new, Chinese panel (which, incidentally, looks exactly like the old one with Chinese satin covering the walls) and meet the judges.

Chantal is up first. Her best shot looks great, she’s very Barbie, but the outfit is horrible! What exactly were you trying to get across about yourself here, hm? Maybe that Pa’s back from hunting and its time to churn the butter?

Bianca is up next and when Tyra asks her about the challenge Bianca confirms that she’s a puss. Mizz Jay straight up tells her she’s in the wrong profession and I love it. Her commercial voice, again, was awful.

Jenah is up and oh wow, I just had an epiphany. She looks JUST like Shannon Doherty in her best picture! Nigel tells her that she’s beautiful and takes great pictures, but lacks charm. Her picture is very her (or, as her as she wants us to think. Remember? She’s totally punk!), but its not very CoverGirl.

Saleisha’s commercial is great, and her best shot is adorable. But the judges think she’s too squinty. Oh, and her hair sucks.

Heather is up and her commercial is, as guess, horrible. I mean really bad. Tyra notes that some of the other girls may have thought it unfair that she had her lines fed to her, which makes it that much more important that she actually does them well. Her picture looks like a whole new girl.

Lisa is up and, poor girl, you can even see the tears and fear in her commercial. Her best shot is great though, and the photographer from the shoot gives her major props for doing such a great job on the print shoot right after being upset about the commercial.

The judges deliberate and the girls are brought back in. T-Bo tells them that collectively, everyone was shitty this week. Seriously girls, this is the top 6, you need to be bringing your A game.

Heather and Lisa are in the bottom two and the judges aren’t sure Lisa can handle the harsh realities of the modeling industry. They think Heather can. BULL. SHIT. Okay, fine, Lisa did not do that well this week, but if any of the other girls had messed up their lines as badly as Heather did (ESPECIALLY after having them FED to her), they would have been on the first rickshaw home.

And that’s it for this week! What did you all think? Sorry again about the horrible horrible timing, next weeks will be posted much sooner!

Keep on Pachin’, Gasmii.