So, lets get real gang, this season is just not up to par. And it’s a shame, because I love me some America’s Next Top Model. Last night was go-sees, one of the best episodes of the season, and I personally thought it was a total bust. It was more of a letdown than talking to cute boys and realizing afterwards that you had something in your teeth, or finding out that Santa isn’t real and your mom didn’t even like those cookies you kept leaving out for him so she would just throw a few away, or building yourself up for weeks to ask your boss for a raise, only to be told that not only are you doing a substandard job in their eyes, but everyone thinks you have a bad attitude. Okay wait, maybe not that last one, considering this episode didn’t send me straight to the floor of my closet with a bottle of wine and box of tissues. But, I digress. What did we learn from go-sees? Shanghai has really bad traffic.
Seriously, dude on the bike, if you don’t get out of my way or at least start going in the right direction I’ll have to introduce my bumper to your face.
We start off this week with the girls in the van, rejoicing about being in the top five. Everyone, that is, except for Heather. She is so totally bummed that she was in the bottom two. The girls are all “get over it, top 5 wooooooo!” but Heather is stuck in The Doldrums and Tock is nowhere to be found.
Tyra Mail! Tomorrow they are going to have to something-in-Chinese and something-else-in-Chinese! Uh-oh, these girls can hardly speak English and certainly don’t know Chinese, what are they supposed to do tomorrow?!?! Track and field? Rape and pillage? Binge and purge? The possibilities are endless…
Ohhh… go and see… that makes sense, I guess. Although rape and pillage would have made for an interesting hour as well. The girls head to PT Models, the largest modeling agency in Shanghai and meet with the manager, Susan Yang. The girls will have a translator and a cab to navigate the city. Susan gives them their portfolios and tells them they have until 6 pm to get back. And if they’re not back in time, their translator will be subjected to 15 days of Chinese Water Torture. Yikes, no one ever said the go-sees would be easy.
Anyhow, the girls all go to see as many designers as they can, each with a different tactic in mind. Saleisha is just going to kiss as much ass as she possibly can, Jenah is going to turn her nose up at everyone, Chantal is going to flash her panties, Bianca’s going to pretend to be nice, and Heather is going to hang out on the corner and hope the designers meet her down there.
At Chantal’s very first meeting, the designer gives her a sheer dress. Unfortunately for Chantal, it was laundry day and she opted for the flashiest pair of panties she could find. Oh man, Janet would have come in real handy today. Apparently the cardinal rule of go-sees is to wear nude underwear. Or none at all, if your feeling randy. Chantal has bright pink boyshorts lined with black lace. The designer is really turned on but pretends to be angry and Chantal leaves, humiliated and cursing her decision to feel fancy underneath it all.
That’s great, really good… I mean, awful. But I’m just going to take this polaroid of you home with me…
Bianca is at a go-see giving it her all when Saleisha arrives. Saleisha sits on the couch and waits politely, and when the designer has Bianca walk she stops at the end and makes a face at Saleisha that I think is meant to say “check this out” except it looks a little more “Oops! I crapped my pants. Make it fierce, B, make it fierce!” to me. When she’s finished, she asks Saleisha on her way out whether another designer is far from there. Saleisha tells us, “this is a competition, we can’t be sisters all the time.” Ooooh go on with your bad self, girl! Take THAT Bianca! This elates me because, well, I’m just not crazy about Bianca.
Well, it turns out the location Saleisha had just come from and wouldn’t disclose to Bianca was right upstairs from where they were. RIGHT UPSTAIRS! That is equal parts awesome and hilarious. Seriously. Bianca doesn’t know this until she gets out to her cab, they start driving, and she tells her translator where the next place is. It’s really funny.
Heather’s cab drops her at her first designer and once out of the car, she cannot find her way around. It takes her over half an hour just to find the first designer who, incidentally, was located in a building she walked by several times. To be honest, I’m surprised the other girls found their way around as easily as they did. That has got to be tricky. Almost as tricky as distinguishing which John your trying to drunk-dial when you’ve got like, 4 John’s in your phone (arbitrary name chosen to protect those who’ve incurred my unfortunate states of inebriation).
Pachita Life Lesson #2: Do not drunk dial unless you are 100% positive you have called the right person. Furthermore, do not leave any messages where you think you sound really A) sweet and/or B) sultry because when you’re drunk you sound like C)none of the above.
So the girls go on with their go-see’s, all doing fairly well except for Heather – who only makes it to the one. When the time starts ticking down all the girls debates heading back to the studio. Saleisha heads back with a whole hour left, after seeing 4 designers. Bianca gives herself about 50 minutes, Jenah 30, and Heather is halfway to India. Apparently traffic there is even worse than New York, where I know firsthand thanks to too much soda and no bathroom in the car just how bad traffic gets. So the only girls that make it back before the deadline are Saleisha and Bianca.
Completely irrelevant, I just got a kick out of this. It seems oddly fitting.
Jenah and Chantal arrive about 15 minutes late, with Heather trailing about an hour behind. Yikes, 1 go-see total AND that latest in the bunch? Methinks that will not reflect well with the judges, m’lady. When Susan comes out the greet the girls she tells them she will speak with the designers and they will choose a winner.
That night, the girls put on their Sunday best and head out for a night on the town. They are chatting and having fun when Susan Yang comes out of left field. Strange that she knew they were there, hm? Rumor has it stalking originated in China, during the Ming Dynasty. Susan tells them that they have picked the winner, and she will be featured in the ad campaign for the 2008 Olympics in China. Which begs the question; WHY? Wouldn’t the Chinese people want, oh I don’t know, and athlete to represent the2008 olympic games, which they have been bestowed the honor of hosting? Whatever, I think logic went out the window when Natasha lost last season. Anywho, the winner of the challenge is, look out on the bay to find out!
Well, she does have the butch, athletic look down.
The girls all freak out and its nice that they all seem genuinely happy for her.
Tyra Mail!!!! Something about animals and the girls are all sure they’re doing a live animal shoot.
The next day the girls head to the photo shoot where Jay1 tells them they will be shot by none other than Mr. Nigel Barker! Yay, a Nigel shoot! While the gals are getting their hair and makeup done Jenah sasses Nigel and sarcastically says how awestruck she is by him. Bad move, Uggo. Haven’t you seen other seasons? Specifically cycle 7 when Caridee made a hilariously inappropriate joke about a certain rod being rammed up a certain orifice of Nigels? Yeah, he didn’t like it then, and he doesn’t like it now. Although, at least she’s showing some personality, isn’t that what the judges wanted?
The shoot is a little rocky for almost all of the girls. While Bianca’s posing is fine, there’s no fluidity between them, and it costs her time and film. I forget what Jenah’s critique was, something about not being lively but I’m pretty sure the rod was back up Nigel’s ass after Jenah sassed him and that’s all that mattered. Heavens forbid someone joke with Prince Barker!
Chantal has a hard time staying in character, because every time someone congratulates her on a job well done she smiles and giggles. And my transformation into a full-blown Chantal fan is complete, she is too cute. Heather is stiff and can’t seem to get into the shoot. Her dress has a slit way up one side and from the sidelines Jenah is oozing with jealousy. “If I had that dress, I’d be workin’ it.” Okay, now you’re showing a little too much personality lady. Take it down a notch.
Tyra Mail! Time to meet the judges, only 4 girls will continue on.
The girls all head to panel, wondering who will be going home. Tyra announces the prizes, the judges (with Susan Yang as our guest judge for the evening) and announces that after the elimination, the top 4 girls will pack up and head to Beijing! Again, with exciting travel news before the cut. Nice job, T-Bo. Chantal is first up for an individual evaluation. They call her out on being late for the go-sees. Chantal, in following the road to my heart, does not make excuses and just says “I know, I’m sorry, it’s totally my fault.”
Tyra is not happy about this. She wants to remind the girls why they are given a deadline for the go see challenge, “you see, we’re trying really hard to create suspense and drama for the sake of ratings.” Okay, maybe she didn’t say those words exactly, she tells them that by the end of the day they may have been booked by one of the designers they saw, and they may have to head straight to a show or catch a place. Right. I’m so sure big designers chose their models the day of the show. That’s almost as ridiculous as trying to quickly paint your nails bright pink right before you leave for a cocktail party. “Oh beans, I smudged the polish in my jacket sleeve. Again. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!” Not that I would understand that kind of frustration..
Ahem. The designers thought Chantal had a great personality, but needs to wear better underwear. Color me embarrassed! Ah well, lesson learned. Her best shot is fantastic. I love the body language. Nigel says she was a lot of fun to shoot but can’t break character when people critique her.
Next up is Bianca. The designers thought she had a great smile, but seemed nervous. Loosen up, B, I thought you had this competition in the bag! The judges think her pose is fantastic (I disagree, looks a little too pissed-off-marionette to me), but her face is blah. Hello?! Her face has been blah in literally every single one of her pictures this season! Don’t believe me? You can view her entire profile on the CW’s website. She looks pissed off or dead in every single one.
Jenah is up. The designers thought she took great photos, but could be a little more personable. On that note, Nigel tells her she is great to shoot, but needs to be careful with her sense of humor, because sometimes her sarcasm comes off as arrogance. Maybe someone just needs to relax a litte, Barker. Her best shot is fantastic though, as per usual. She actually looks an awul lot like Madonna in her glory day.
Saleisha’s turn! She of course gets rave reviews all around because she is just the sweetest cutest little button. The designers thought she had a great personality, Nigel thought she was a pleasure to shoot, Saleisha’s just freaking perfect. Actually, her best shot is awesome. I love the body, her face is fierce, and I think its her best shot of the season.
Heather is last for evaluations. The designer (singular, she only saw one) thought her runway was awkward. Heather? Awkward walk? Nonsense. The judges love her best shot but Nigel says she is stiffer than Ron Jeremy in front of the camera (HIYO!).
The judges deliberate and call the girls back in for cut time. Tyra says the same old stuff about the competition getting tougher and its a really difficult decision at this point and yadda yadda yadda. And the first girl going to Beijing is…. Saleisha. Congrats, Sally, you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s next top model. Good lord, that was annoying to even type one time, imagine how seizure-inducing it is to hear over and over again ,TYRA. Bianca and Chantal are called next, leaving Jenah and Heather in the bottom two. Jenah, don’t worry, you’re not going home, but for the love of China girl, learn a little humility!
Heather is sad to go, and she’ll miss the girls because she felt she really made good friends (AWW!). And that’s the show! What did you guys think? Did the right girl go home? I know there were a lot of Heather fans out there, but I just don’t think she would ever have been able to make it all the way. My predictions – Chantal or Bianca out next, Jenah and Saleisha in the top 2… oh man, now I’m nervous and changing my mind. And I think I feel an ulcer coming on… what are you doing to me, ANTM?!
Till next time, ni hao, Gasmii. I know that means hello, but I just hate goodbyes.