Americas Next Top Model: SEX!!!

Does that actually work? I guess it does since you’re reading this. Booya! Okay, now that I’ve got your attention; yes, this show is still on. And no, it has not gotten any more exciting. In fact, with each cut it has been getting less exciting, if you can believe it. My boyfriend decided to not leave the room when it came on this week and cocked his head and said “but… all of these girls are ugly.” Don’t worry, it wasn’t one of those cheesy “they’re nothing compared to you, darling” moments, this batch of ANTM hopefuls just falls short. With my strippa back stripping and Heather no longer terrorizing people 7 days after watching a nonsensical video tape, I found myself hoping throughout the shoot that the Great Wall would come crashing down on the lot of them.

Memories, like the corner of my mind…

This week the girls are heading to Beijing. They arrive home after panel and find some Heather Mail waiting for them. She left behind a really sweet letter about how she didn’t make friends, she made enemies, and the girls will have to live out the rest of their lives looking over their shoulder because naked Heather just may be lurking in the shadows. But forget about that, we’re in the top 4 ladies! Its officially go time! Take off your pants and give me a hug!

…misty water colored memories…

The girls are packing and lying around. Its apparent tensions are rising and Bianca is annoyed that Chantal and Saleisha are always so goddamn chipper. I could see how that would get on my nerves, but I really can’t bring myself to agree with Bianca. Why is she still here? She looks like a man and has not taken a single picture this season where she doesn’t look either mad or constipated.

Jenah is bummed about having been in the bottom two, which she says was ‘really great, you should try it sometime.” Is that sarcasm I detect? How delightful! Then she starts to cry and tells us she misses her boyfriend. SNORE

The mention of a boyfriend is interesting though, since these days they’re like the Sumatran Orangutan of ANTM. Has anyone else noticed that T-Bizzle’s really been cutting the fat from the show lately? She no longer has family come visit, no longer goes to visit the girls and talk about their insecurities and the harsh realities of the modeling world. She doesn’t have dinner with them anymore, so gone are the days of girls outing each others eating disorders. So tragic.

Anyway, the girls head to Beijing and are dropped at an outdoor theater of sorts. Twigs and Mizz Jay are there waiting for them and tell them the story of the Four Great Beauties. Its pretty, and there are Chinese women dressed up in traditional dresses to portray each of the beauties. Its clear this is somehow related to the challenge; four beauties, four girls, 8 people Pach could care less about, for real.

Twigs and Jay send the girls to their new digs for the remainder of the challenge and it is pretty kick ass. They run around checking things out and when they come back down the stairs Tyra Mail is waiting for them along with four red boxes. Hold the phone, how in the F did those get there? Good lord, lock the doors. She’s back, and out for blood….

…of the way we were…

The Tyra Mail asks the girls if they’ve seen the great mall and they are asked to wear their dresses the next day.

The van drops them at “The Place”, which is a ginormo mall that is roughly the size of the town I grew up in. Twigs and Mizz Jay meet them and give them the rundown. They have to modernize their dresses and have 2 hours and $200 to do so. Aaaaaaand GO!

The girls all go running into the mall and head straight for… Aldo? Really? There has got to be more exciting stores in the Great Mall of China than Aldo! If it were me, I’d hit up “Panda Store” toute-de-suite and buy me some bears. There has to be a store that sells pandas somewhere, right? Beat THAT, ladies!

Tell me you wouldn’t buy yourself 15 of these little critters if you could

Chantal tells us that her beauty had a basket so she’s going to modern it up by getting a cute purse and stilletos. Wow! What a creative and well-thought plan to ‘modern it up’. I hope the judges think its as ‘moderned up’ as you do!

Bianca hightails it to a different section of the mall and sees that it is all shoe-stores, and they’ve already hit up Aldo, what more is there to see? It takes her a while to get back to the first section (seriously, this place is ginormous!) and when she sees Jenah she tells her “you’ve gotta go across the street there’s a ton of stuff over there.” Dun dun DUNNNNNNN! I really truly hate Bianca. She is not a good model, has a shitty personality, and looks like a boy. WHY is she still on the show?!?! Lisa is hanging her strippa bra in shame(you know, the one with the danglies that spin around all fancy like when you shake the good for the boys?).

Jenah realizes that she’s been duped and is none too happy about it. Although, in a surprising twist that had Tyra screaming “NOOOOOO!” in the editing room, she handles it fantastically by brushing it off her shoulder and avoiding Bianca. Gasmii, you’d better believe I’d go all kinds of crazy on her. Not even because I’d care about losing time for the competition, I’m actually not a very competitive person, but more so because I hate her with the fire of a thousands suns already and surely wouldn’t be able to suppress my rage after something like that.

Anyway, when the time is up the girls meet back up with Twigs and Mizz Jay and where the crap did Ann Shoket come from? Seriously, its like she comes crawling out of the woodwork every time there’s a chance to talk about Seventeen. She tells the girls something about the runway being important and I pay no attention.

The runway competition begins and Bianca is up. She is straight up ugly. I’m sorry, every year after Thanksgiving I make a Christmas playlist and listen to nothing else for the entirety of December because it makes me so happy, but all the Stevie Wonder and Mariah Carey and The Chipmunks and I-could-really-do-this-all-day in the WORLD would not make me dislike her less.

I wouldn’t touch you with a… thirty-nine-and-a-half-inch poooooooooole

The rest of the girls do well. Jenah in particular rocked it and wins the challenge. She gets to pick someone to share her prize with and chooses Chantal. Both girls get Chinese Couture dresses made specially for them. Plus, Jenah gets a private walking lesson with Mizz Jay. That’s a pretty okay prize, I guess. Although remember on a really early episode when Saleisha won a trip to Paris to be in a runway show? Yeah, I’d much rather have that.

Tyra Mail! It says something about being seen from outer space and the girls know they’re hitting up the Great Wall.

The next morning the girls head over to the Great Wall, which really makes me jealous because it truly looks spectacular. They take a few pictures and ni-hao the passers-by to remind them just how annoying Americans are when Jay comes and greets them. He gives them an expertly written speech about the Great Wall being built to keep out the Mongols and the Huns and tells them today, they’re playing the bad guys. They’re going to be storming the Great Wall. Nice! And they have a very special guest photographer today, Tyra! Meh, not so nice.

Chantal is up first and has some MAJOR hair happening. She does really well with the shoot and doesn’t really need much direction from Tyra or Jay.

Okay, be honest you guys; does this hairdo make my head look small?

Jenah is up next and Tyra asks her what she wants to overcome in life. What metaphorical wall do you want to scale, Jenah? And she’s only asking because she’s trying to get you in the mindset, not because she already saw the footage of you wanting to go home and missing your boyfriend and thinking you’re losing yourself in the competition. T-Bo don’t play like that. Jenah tells her she wants to find out who she is. UGH. Jenah, seriously, do you really want to get cut? Because you’re doing a bang up job of trying. She does well though with little direction.

Ooh la la! Bianca is up looking like more of a man than normal today and Jay whispers for her not to give any stiff poses today. Oh, Jay, you silly silly man, that’s like asking Saleisha to try not to look like Dora the Explorer.

Salte Tico, Salte!

Bianca’s shoot does not go very well, she’s very stiff and needs a lot more direction than the other girls. That, and she’s making her token angry face. I think she blocks out the voices of everyone else and directs herself with “It’s not ANGRY enough, Bianca! Give me RAGE!”

Saleisha is up and as soon as she walks onto set Jay tells her she’s looking more and more editorial with each shoot. She does a great job and Jay and Tyra are very impressed that she’s the only girl that thought to jump.

Lastly, the girls are told they’re all going to do a group photo. Tyra tells them each of their jobs is to try and stand out in the photo. Bianca says the shoot pisses her off because Saleisha’s bun was right in her face and she wanted to kill her and I wonder, what doesn’t piss her off? Oh, and that was some blatant hair envy to me.

Back at home the girls are all jittery and no one really knows who’s going home. Bianca gives us her two cents by telling us Chantal is bland and I think someone needs to buy homegirl a dictionary for Christmas because, no. Also, did anyone else notice that she is the only girl that’s ALWAYS talking about the others instead of critiquing herself? My one semester of Psych 101 tells me that deep down, someone’s got some esteem issues.

Anywhoodle – Tyra Mail informs us that its panel time again, but before we go to panel, lets take a look at the new show Crowned! You know, the one with really obnoxious girls who are competing with their overbearing mothers who peaked 20 years ago and took living vicariously through their child one step too far? Yeah, it looks abyssmal. Moving on…

The girls arrive at panel and Jenah is up first for her evaluation. The judges looooove her best shot. Nigel tells her she’s really starting to act and he can see more of who she is in her recent pictures. So… is she acting or is she showing more of herself? Because they’re kind of two different things, Nigel. Tyra, never one to miss an opportunity to make girls cry at panel, tells Jenah she didn’t remember who she was after the shoot, making Jenah break down. Aww, hey now, don’t cry, it could be worse. They could have told you how unattractive you are without makeup on…

Bianca is up and her best shot is very… masculine. Mizz Jay tells her she looks uber stiff, Ann tells her she isn’t scary enough (don’t provoke her, Ann!) and Tyra tells her she was awkward to shoot. Bianca takes a page from Victoria and gives some speech about how she is learning, and she didn’t know anything when she started, and look how far she’s come, and COME THE CRAP ON. I guess I can’t really fault her though, she’s the only one that’s done her homework, T-Bo LOVES empowering speeches. She’s made a whole talk show series off her own bullshit for crying out loud.

Chantal is up and, of course, has a great picture. The judges love it, not too much more to say.

Saleisha’s best shot is awesome, and girl has got some serious height. How did she jump that high? Her face is a little too shiny for my liking, but Tyra was just so excited about the jumping she doesn’t notice anything else.

Conveniently, for the group shot, each judge chose a different girl as their pick for who stood out the most. My personal favorite in this picture is Jenah because her eyes are super intense.

The judges send the girls out so they can deliberate and when they get back in, the girls chosen in order are: Chantal and Saleisha, leaving Jenah and Bianca in the bottom two. Who saw this coming?! Tyra drags us through another painful “so who goes home?” speech and ultimately sends Bianca packing. Bam, bitch went down! Sorry, that was a favorite quote of mine when Scream was popular and, it just seemed fitting.

And that’s it for this week! What did you all think? Who will be going home before the final runway challenge? Is there any hope for salvation in another season? Til’ next time, I’ll be accepting pandas as Christmas presents through New Years.