Recap: America’s Next Top Model: Watch out, Oprah!

My apologies, gang, for the late recap. We moved to a new place this weekend and it turns out moving SUCKS. Plus, my cable and internet provider has a pact with Satan to destroy me. Anywho, I will do my best to have the recaps posted by Friday from here on out. And away we go!

Welcome to sunny downtown LA, where the ANTM top 13 start the grudge match to determine who really wants to be on top. This week’s episode is chock full of teen-friendly information: the dangers of smoking, the saving of water, the offensive things you can say about people’s personalities and professions, oh my! Is it just me, or is Tyra really upping the “check me out, I’m just like Oprah” this season?

You wanna be on top?

Jay is there to greet the girls and tells them he has something special to show them. What could it be?! A former winner? A former loser? Mizz Jay dressed in something ridiculous? Nope, not this time. He wants to show them the Green Machine, their vehicle for the entire season. The girls feign excitement as they look around for their real limo, but it never comes. So sad. Even Heather, social outcast of the year, does not seem too excited.

I left Indiana for this?

I wonder what makes it green – is it hybrid? Low emissions? Recycled tires? No, turns out the inside has a lot of grass and the seats are made of tires. Boo Green Machine!

They head over to the house which is, as usual, kick ass. It also has a Green theme going on complete with friendly suggestions on how to conserve. There is a runway over an indoor pond with a huge projector and, of course, oversized pictures of Tyra and last cycle’s winner, Jaslene.

Jaslene in: The only work she’ll ever do

After what seems like minutes in the house one of the girls asks about skinny dipping. Wow, if this were a first date you’d be having sex right now. Whores. However, as excited as male viewers everywhere may have been at the prospect of seeing blurred out boobage, it was short lived as they all hopped in fully clothed. Doesn’t skinny dipping usually entail taking OFF your clothes? Well, good thing they weren’t trying out for Americas Most Smartest Model now, isn’t it?

Heather is one of the only girls not in on the non-skinny dipping. She tells the camera that she had a really lonely childhood and is hoping it is something that she can work on… as she sits alone hunched over a sketchbook. Heather, I’m not a friendologist, but I’m guessing sitting alone and not talking to anyone else isn’t going to get you any.

The girls are hanging out and doing all the typical first night stuff. Saleisha does a Tyra imitation with Bianca and Lisa as the final two, Chantal is crying tears of joy over the view, Heather is being a loser, and 8 of the girls decide to take Tyra’s Green advice and bathe altogether to conserve water. That Tyra, she sure is a class act. Saving the world one idiot at a time.

The next day is the first photo shoot, woot woot! Jay tells them it is going to create awareness about the horrible impacts of smoking. Man o’ man, Tyra is really raking in the life lessons this season. The final picture will have 2 shots of the model. The first shot will be a glamour shot of the model smoking in front of the mirror and the second is her mirror image showing an ugly side effect.

The only downside to this shoot is the photographer, Mike Rosenthal. He is the same person who shot the circus freaks in cycle 7, and while some of those pictures were great, I haven’t slept a full night since seeing this:

Aaand I’ve lost my appetite.

Ambreal is up first and her side effect is… Cannibalism? Mike Rosenthal would do that to me. It is lung cancer but they chose to portray it by having blood pouring out of her mouth and dripping down her chin. Seriously Tyra, I scare easily.

Jenah and Mila both have hair loss from chemo as their side effect. Jenah’s shoot goes off without a hitch and then my screen is taken over by a possessed doll from Chucky’s undead army. I honestly hide behind my couch because Jesus h. Christ!

What is that thing?!?!

Okay, she looks majorly creepy. And not creepy in a good “oh I think they really nailed the hair loss from chemo look, good job makeup artists” way, but more in a “fuck, I just wet myself because Alopecia over there looked right at me from inside the TV and I can’t be sure but I heard a voice say she’s going to kill me in my sleep and now the dogs are trying to mark the couch.” Mila cannot pull it together because she thinks she looks hilarious and laughs through the entire shoot. Jay is not happy with this because cancer is serious business.

Janet, true to my predictions, is already getting the “stop posing” from Jay. She really is the next Sarah! Her side effect is burn victim and the makeup is intense.

Chantal is up, her side effect is a tracheotomy. Needless to say, her makeup is grossoriffic, complete with a gaping hole in the middle of her throat. The shoot goes well.

Heather and Saleisha are paired because their side effect is second hand smoking. They have a hard time relating to one another, which is so incredibly unexpected. Of course they put the self-proclaimed socially awkward girl with a partner on the very first shoot, why not?

Saleisha says Heather didn’t want to touch her which in turn made her feel uncomfortable. The girls each try and do their best without much cooperation from the other, but the shoot seems to go pretty well. If Heather makes it through the season I officially cannot wait for the inevitable bra and panties with a male partner shot. This girl could be her own sitcom!

Kimberly’s side effect is a sunken face. I’m not sure what exactly that means, but I’m guessing it will look something like this:

I think I’ll start smoking!

Sarah has premature aging and they make her look hella old. She looks like Melrose without any makeup. Hiyo! Yeah, I know, that was lame. Pachita Fun Fact: I crack myself up with really bad jokes.

Bianca and Lisa have a little sass-off while they’re getting their makeup done and the tensions rises for what we all know is coming (thanks to the previews we had been seeing all week).

Victoria talks about using her book smarts to strategize. Listen girly, it’s cool that you went to Yale and all, but unless the book you’re taking your smarts from is Modeling for Dummies or Fierce like Me: the Tyra Banks How-To Guide, I doubt it will help you much. Her side effect is a stillborn child. Good lord Tyra, lighten up. My Wednesday nights are supposed to be for indulging in girly shows and drinking 2 bottles of wine, not being driven to suicide by you and your take-home life lessons!

Ebony is up and Jay is all up in her mistakes right away. She tells the camera she doesn’t want Jay to know that she’s nervous as we see Jay say “you’re coming across as reeeaaally really tentative right now.” Ha! She won the side-effect-jackpot with a collapsed lung. All she has to do is hold an oxygen mask to her face. No melting flesh or anything! Collapsed lungs are fun!

Bianca has severe gingivitis which is just disgusting. I know they go to extremes for the sake of a shot but really? REALLY? She jokes around with Jay on set and he says she’s doing better on this shoot than she did on the first one.

Lisa’s side effect is a face tumor, which in model-makeup language means put a huge open wound complete with puss and blood on the side of her face, it’s SO hot right now. Is not a tumah (Kindergarten Cop, anyone?). She does well and Jay tells her she really connected with her emotion.

As soon as Lisa walks back to the dressing room the drama begins. Bianca asks Lisa if she thinks she did better than her and Lisa shrugs off the question. Atta girl, Lisa, don’t stoop to her level! But Bianca is relentless and keeps at it. Finally Lisa says “ain’t nobody claim you a winner yet girl.” And how! Forget the lack of proper English, she’s got a point. Lisa goes on to tell Bianca that she’s got a big head and acts like she’s better than everyone else. Bianca is a master deflector and goes off on an unsubstantiated rant concluding with “you really think America’s Next Top Model is gonna be a fucking strippa?” OH NO SHE DI’INT! Aww snap! Bla-DOW! Insert additional exclamatory remark here!

Wait, I’m not sure what a strippa is, but I’m guessing it’s a clothed stripper. Lisa bursts into tears and flips out, rightfully so. That was just plain below the belt. Jay pops his head behind the curtain and tells the girls that it’s been a long day and they should just go back to the house to try and pull it together. Way to diffuse the situation, Jay. You can be Tyra’s Gail.

While the girls lounge in the moat around the house, Lisa is the first to talk (as well as the obvious bigger person). She tells Bianca she wants to squash any problems before the competition goes any further. Bianca apologizes but tells the camera that everything she does is strategic and she only apologized so that what she said doesn’t come up in panel. Wow. That is one wily ass bitch. I’m making an executive decision that Bianca is the new girl we love to hate.

The next morning, Chantal asks Saleisha where Heather is and she shrugs. Cut to Heather sitting outside, alone, clutching a stuffed monkey and staring out the ground. Oh come the crap on, at least TRY to act like a normal human being. Some of the girls actually treat the situation maturely by going to sit with her and ask her some questions about Asperger’s.

So, Heather… why do you act like such a weirdo?

Later that day Janet, Bianca and Saleisha are talking about how messy and awkward Heather is. She can hear them talking from the kitchen and ignores them. Instead, she calls her mother for some cheering up and tells the camera that she’s going to overcome this. Bravo, Heather! That is our second showing of maturity tonight! Is it just me or is this the most stable cycle of ANTM ever?! Heather + Lisa + Pachita = BFFAE, whatevs!

Mizz Jay comes over to the house, sending all the girls into a tizzy. I, too, go into a tizzy because Miss Jay looks an awful lot like a Mister today if you ask me. Strange, no tutu? No pigtails and pom-poms? We don’t even get a cape? Alright then, I guess we’ll just have to have to start crossdressing the dogs. Thanks for making me be one of those people.

Mizz Jay is here to talk about styling issues they’ve had in the past. He tells them they have to look good and stylish when they come into panel. All they need is a few simple items. Well, judging by that advice, I could waltz into panel wearing Q-Tips and hair ties and walk out a winner! Now where did I pack my homemade Q-Tip tube top (try saying THAT 5 times fast)? All this nonsense was really just a means to segue into telling the girls they’re going to Old Navy to pick out an outfit to impress the judges. Hmm… I wonder who’s sponsoring this season… maybe Red Lobster?

When they get to Old Navy who is waiting for them? Tyra!!! Right, like Tyra would ever be seen in an Old Navy. No, it’s Benny Ninja, the posing instructor who is probably wearing one of everything the store has to offer. I honestly don’t know how he’s supporting himself under all that nonsense.

Can you even breathe?

He is his loud, crazy self and does an Old Navy shtick that gets one large eye roll from the Pach. He gives them 10 minutes to find something the judges will approve of. Now, I’ve been to Old Navy and not only is it a crapshoot, but it’s a pretty big place. I would probably just pull a Benny and stand at the jewelry rack throwing necklaces on until all my lady parts are covered.

The girls go wild (minus the low self esteem, boobs, and creepy guys) and leave the place a huge mess. At the end of the 10 minutes Benny tells them the outfits they chose are what they will wear to panel that night. I guess that means the only judge Ebony will have on her side is the randy Nigel Barker because she’s standing there in her underwear. She mutters something about not knowing they had to actually put on what they picked out and I laugh. Oh, Ebony, you whore.

Tyra Mail!!! The next day they’ll meet with the judges, only 12 will go on.

Heather tells us she’s nervous about panel but her mom told her she’ll only lose once, but if she wins, she’ll win really big. That is some of the best advice I’ve ever heard on this show. Heather, seriously, stop it. I’ll be a lesbian by the end of the hour at this rate.

More of the girls are talking about heather and Victoria tells the camera that she dislikes the way that everyone talks about Heather behind her back. This episode is simultaneously melting my icy heart and making ANTM history. There seem to be more nice, mature girls on this cycle than all others combined!

The aforementioned statement does not apply to Kimberly, as we see her saying some really awful stuff about how she doesn’t want to be nice to Heather because she doesn’t want her to think she’s her go-to person. She says, “People like that are very clingy. I’m not trying to be mean; this is what I honestly think.” Well, what you honestly think is mean, so keep your mouth shut or I’ll shut it for ya, k? Team Heather!

Side note: I’m sorry, but as much as I love Heather, all I can think about when she’s being awkward around the other girls is Uncle Oscar and Buster trying to give family members massages to say hello. RIP Arrested Development.

Heather calls her mom and tells her that she doesn’t think she can trust the other girls. Listen carefully Heather, your intuition is 100% correct right now. You cannot trust the other girls, especially if they are all of a sudden nice to you, and give you really good KoolAid. Next thing you know you wake up on the side of the highway sans kidneys. I’ve seen it happen a million times.

Panel time! Tyra has got some serious bangs going on, but does look slimmer than last season. My sister, who couldn’t gain a pound if she had been raised as veal, texted me minutes into panel “DAAAMN, TYRA GOT FAT!” Oh you. Tyra goes on to announce the prizes: an Elite Model Management contract, a spread in Seventeen Magazine, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl.

Chantal is up first. Her best shot is very glam, although I’m not a big fan of the pose. The judges think its borderline men’s magazine. I know they say that a lot but hey, men’s magazines sell and aren’t always slutty.

Her tragic shot screams constipation and is a dead ringer for Trishelle.

Jenah’s best shot doesn’t really give much face, but the her body looks fantastic, positioning and everything.

The tragic shot has a lot of emotion but I wish they had airbrushed about half her fake bald head out of it.

Ambreal’s best shot is alright. Nothing striking from my point of view. The judges think she has a great neck and great skin.

The tragic shot is just as gross as it looked during shooting. But the judges say its gross in a good way or something. You know Tyra with her “its disturbing, but sometimes fashion is disturbing and I think that’s what you did here.” Lady, I know what you mean but sometimes think you take your own advice too literally, because some of your outfits… yikes.

Victoria is up next and her best shot is AWESOME. My favorite so far. I take back all the Mr. Ed comments I failed to write into my last recap, she is gorgeous! The pose, the face, the everything, I love it.

The tragic shot is also great. The emotion on her face is palpable and it’s a moving shot. Except, of course, for the robo baby they handed her. Come on guys, couldn’t you have wrapped it in a blanket so we couldn’t see the plastic joint where her head pops off?

Lisa also has a great shot. The judges like it and think its kinky and soultry.

I am not a fan of the tragic shot, mainly because of the alien about to jump out of her cheek, but the judges love it. Shows what I know.

Mila’s best shot isn’t bad, but she looks uncomfortable. The judges don’t have too much to say about it, which is not a good sign.

They take a look at the tragic shot and it is disgustor. I can’t even look at it. Mila tells the judges she had a hard time keeping a straight face and they look flat out annoyed. This is cancer, Mila. Cancer. Can’t you at least try and take this seriously? I mean, how will the big T ever be the next big O if she can’t have some heavy hitting messages?

Sarah’s best shot is alright. I’m not a fan, but the judges love it. She is a lovely girl, but just not as striking as some of the others I suppose.

Her tragic shot is pretty good though. She definitely looks 30 years older, and pretty damn upset about it.

Bianca’s best shot is, much to my chagrin, not bad. It looks very casual and her pose seems a little more forced than the rest, if that makes sense. Twiggy would prefer a little more life in the eyes.

Her tragic shot, on the other hand, has me running for the hills. She looks like a zombie. Or maybe a vampire? A vampire-zombie who has never brushed their teeth, that’s it. Either way, it’s gross. Emotion-wise, I think it looks more comical than dramatic.

Janet is up next. I’m not crazy about her best shot. It looks more like a still from a Hitchcock movie than a modeling photo. Twiggy thinks she’s a beautiful girl and looks like an actress, but she just doesn’t see model.

Ebony has some major leggage going on in her best shot. She is a beautiful girl and I like this picture a lot. The judges think she looks a little too stiff though.

The tragic shot is nothing special, considering all she had to do was hold an oxygen mask to her face.

Kimberly is up next. Boo Kimberly, you suck! Sorry, I have a hard time being objective. Anywho, the picture is good. I think that she looks more stiff than Ebony did, but no one mentions anything so maybe I just don’t have that eye. Tyra tells her to watch her hoochiness but I honestly don’t know what she’s talking about. T-Bo, are those diet pills making you a little loco?

The tragic shot is sick, but sick in a good way… maybe… the judges keep saying it so I’ll go with them. Turns out sunken face syndrome is like being made of wax and having someone crank up the heat.

Saleisha and Heather’s picture is interesting for a couple of reasons. First, Saleisha is throwing down all kinds of sass in the pic and I love it. Second, is Heather a giant? Because she is easily twice as big as Saleisha here. She also looks horribly uncomfortable and her right arm appears to be made of wood.

The judges view them separately. Saleisha’s close up is great. I love the facial expression, and considering how difficult she said it was to work with Heather she did a great job.

Her tragic shot is pretty miserable. Before we saw the final shots I wondered, how exactly do you portray the effect of second hand smoke? I now have my answer; make up the girl to make it look like she just arose from a 12 hour crack and alcohol induced coma. Perfect!

Heather’s close up is much better than her body shot. She looks very relaxed and has a great face. The judges agree (glad we’re finally seeing eye to eye people) and move on.

Oh, come on editors! That is a cruel trick switching out Heather’s tragic with a picture of Frankenstein, seriously. The girl has Asperger’s Syndrome for crying out loud!

That’s the end of the pictures, and the winner of tonight’s outfit challenge is…. Drumroll… Saleisha! What does she win? A $1000 shopping spree …to Old Navy! And she’s not that’ excited.

She also gets to make an add for Old Navy and I have to wonder if the entire first episode was devoted to finding a quickie model to be fooled into an Old Navy spot. I kid, I kid, Old Navy is not the devil, RCN is.

Its time now for the judges to deliberate and when they return, they’ll be cutting one girl. Dun dun dunnnnnnn! My money’s on Mila, she is the one whose pictures the judges flat out didn’t like. They go back and forth discussing all the girls and Tyra says something about this being their last chance at modeling. I can only assume this means that once the girls are cut they are condemned to a lifetime of scrubbing toilets at the local prison.

Before they do the cut, there is an announcement to make. This is a no smoking cycle. Tyra tells us that so many young girls are fans of this show and fans of the models on it. So as of tomorrow, smoking is banned on the show. Oh Ty, you’re the greatest! But do me a favor; hire a bodyguard. Because somewhere in Chicago, Oprah is putting a hit on you. For serious.

Its time for the cut! The girls picked, in order, are: Heather (who looks absolutely stunned, yay underdog!), Lisa, Chantal, Sara, Jenah, Saleisha, Ambreal, Victoria, Janet, Kimberly, Bianca.

That leaves Ebony and Mila at the bottom two. Wow, no offense Mila but… no contest. Right? Ebony is trying desperately to hold back tears while Mila… looks like she just inhaled 2 gallons of vaporized ether.

Her reaction to hearing her cat just died.

And the person going home is… Mila, whose facial expression does not change. I wonder how she managed to get herself a prescription of Valium. I wonder how I can get myself a prescription to Valium. You know, just for the hard days. Like today… and yesterday… and most likely tomorrow.

With a light glaze covering her eyes, Mila takes off. She tells us again that she liked to concentrate on the positive. Damn girl, get mad!

And that’s it for this week. What did you guys think? Just how manipulative is Bianca? Will Heather make a power move for Kimberly? Is it possible to fake anxiety attacks to get me some valium?