Recap: America’s Next Top Model: Tyra Conquers Asperger’s!

Welcome back for another exciting installment of Americas Next Top Model! Joining me for a night of ANTM, wine, Gossip Girl, more wine, and Thai (hookers) food is my girl Cakes, so there may be some reference to her being gay somewhere in here. This week is full of Bianca being nasty, Heather drop-kicking Asperger’s in the face, and Twiggy meeting her Single White Female protégé. I don’t know about you, but I am pumped, who wants to be on top?

It’s okay little nymph, don’t be scared.

The girls are all out on their mega-terrace practicing their walks. Could this be the standard walking episode that always falls about 3 episodes in? I think so! Kimberly is strutting around in a onesie while Bianca gives her advice. Just as I’m starting to wonder why the poster child for Mean, Bitchy, and Immature Girls Anonymous is giving advice she tells the camera that she’s purposely giving Kimberly bad advice. Well, glad we cleared that up.

Inside the girls are putting makeup on Heather and they put her in a hot little outfit. She looks so cute and seems to already be coming out of her shell, yay! Unfortunately for the world, Bianca comes in as they’re admiring her and tells Heather she looks like a prostitute. She then goes on to tell the camera that everyone gives Heather a pity-pull just because of her disability. Jesus fuck, Bianca, keep your mouth shut. She has a form of autism, the slightest bit of stress could send her into stereotypy or a screaming fit for crying out loud. Haven’t you ever seen Mercury Rising?!

What did you just call me?

Tyra Mail! It says something about Top Models needing to have their stuff together, but for now they can all go crazy. What could that possibly mean? Do you think they are all going to go on heroin binges and have three-ways with the Jay’s? Or maybe they’re supposed to start breaking things? It is literally a mystery.

The girls know that they’ll be walking because that’s what always happens on episode 2. Saleisha is talking about how she is really excited for walking because it’s one of her strengths. Bianca finds Saleisha really annoying because she thinks she knows everything. Ooh, Bianca, sorry to break it to you (or am I?) but about 99.99% of viewers think you’re really annoying.

We see the Green Machine flying down the street, terrorizing the women and children of LA. They pull up at the “Fashion Madhouse” (is that a real place? I’m guessing not…) and Bianca and Kimberly walk in with their arms linked. Ugh, they would be friends.

They walk into the building which appears to be an abandoned asylum, complete with the flickering lamps hanging from the ceiling, gurneys left strewn all around the room and a token skull. The girls are all huddled together wondering what the crap is going on when a straightjacket bound gargantuan comes bursting through the door and starts banging into things. Sheesh, if you want some help just ask for it. The girls start screaming bloody murder and I’m pretty sure several of them shat themselves.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH… oh fudge.

Mizz Jay comes hopping around the corner dressed to the nines in a nurse’s uniform. So much for simple, stylish items, eh? I knew that country club sweater didn’t stand a chance in your closet. That hairdo alone would get you nexted at panel in a heartbeat.

He tells the girls they’re going to be walking for him. But wait, there’s a twist! A spooky twist – they’re walking in straightjackets! He gives them some BS about real models having to do ridiculous things while we see 3 photos of ludicrous runway gear. Give me a break, I’d put money on all three of those being pranks gone awry.

Do I make the joke about Middle Eastern designers incorporating torture devices? No. I shan’t.

Victoria’s talking to the camera about walking and says something about Yale. Wait, did she go to Yale?! I would have never known, silly Pach! Vikki, baby, just because you went to Yale does not mean you’re qualified for everything. Case in point: she can’t walk for shit.

The girls each take a turn going with nothing extraordinary. Lisa, Saleisha and Ambreal all rocked it, the rest were meh. I thought Heather does well but Mizz Jay felt is necessary to mock her. Tyra would SO not be happy with this; this is supposed to be an equal opportunity runway! He also calls out Bianca on having too much attitude in her hip pop.

Well, this is fitting.

And that’s the end of the walking. So, I guess it’s not so much a lesson as it is a showing. Or something.

Back at the house the girls are all talking about _________. I’ll give you a hint: its not world peace. Saleisha goes on and on AND ON about how much experience she has while Bianca stares daggers. Is anyone else worried at how unstable Bianca seems?

Kimberly, with an air of arrogance, says “basically my dad’s been taking pictures of my my whole life.” Umm… man, I keep finding myself at moral crossroads this season. Oh, what the hell – Kimberly, its called pedophilia and should be reported.

The voices in Bianca’s head push her closer and closer to the edge and she finally gets into it with Saleisha. She tells Saleisha that she doesn’t consider her to be competition. Saleisha agrees, Bianca’s not her competition either, because she could never do high fashion. Whether or not that’s true and whether or not Saleisha’s being a brat is besides the point because Bianca then tells her that she’s borderline plus size, so she’s not worried. Saleisha, plus sized? I think not. Especially considering she’s half the size of Bianca.

The catfight gets more and more heated with Saleisha finally realizing she’s above all this. “I’m a grown ass woman and she 18,” she says as she stomps away. Most of the girls realize Bianca may try eating one of them and leave as well. Wait, she’s only 18? I guess that explains some of the irrational immaturity. At 18 I was having chugging contests with jugs of Carlo Rossi in my underwear while dancing to “MmmBop” and trying to convince people I was a secret part-time professional rapper (and no, 18 was not that long ago. And yes, I do still listen to “MmmBop.” Try it if you’re ever feeling down). Pachita Fun Fact: I listen to really cheesy music in the morning to make the work day bearable. “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel” rocks my world.

Anyway, after an embarrassing confession like that I guess there’s not much else to do but get back to business. As Saleisha walks away Bianca tells Kimberly “I don’t care, I’ll start cutting up clothes.” Yikes, she’s worse than that girl who rubbed her Britney (best new phrase of ’07, thanks Lo!) all over Melrose’s bed in cycle 7. I actually hope she wins, but only because I fear that if she gets cut she’ll shiv Tyra.

Channeling her inner Charles Manson

Roy Campbell (of church fashion show fame) greets the girls the next day and tells them they’ll be walking in a Colleen Quinn show. Colleen Quinn!!! Who?!? Okay, okay, some of the girls know who she is – I guess I’m not as fashion savvy as I like to think – and even Heather says that she has seen Colleen’s dresses in fashion magazines and never dreamed she’d actually be wearing one of them. Okay, show, this is where I am calling your bluff. Every cycle you have a random designer do something with the girls and every cycle one of them says those exact words. What gives?

Colleen is there with Roy and tells the girls that she will be debuting her line in Paris next year and is going to invite the winner of the runway challenge to the show. Cheese and crackers, Batman! That is one hell of a prize! This just in: I am officially trying out for ANTM next season.

She also mentions that today’s challenge will be tricky because some of her dresses can be constricting. Cakes wonders aloud if anyone will fall and claw their way out of the dresses, ripping it to shreds. One can only hope, Cakes.

Showtime, lets get this party started! Ambreal works the pach out of her fan, Chantal looks awful, and I realize I do not have ESP because Bianca doesn’t fall. Victoria looks like a deer in headlights, Heather has a great dress and does well, and apparently I need to brush up on my Voodoo as well because Kimberly’s doll does nothing for me.

Ebony is looking good, but on her way back while Sarah is coming down the runway they clash. It’s nothing big, and I thought it was because they just didn’t have enough room and lack the cat-like reflexes of Pachita, but Mizz Jay makes a face that says ‘aww hell to the no!’

Afterwards Colleen tells the girls she really appreciated all their spirit and energy. Heather is very elegant but needs to work on her posture, Bianca’s face should have been softer, and Kimberly’s…soul was empty? Oh, Colleen, I guess the “spirit and energy” comment should have tipped me off that you were one of those people (you know; the ones who give you salt rock lamps for Christmas and energy bracelets for your birthday and then try telling you all the wonderful health benefits of drinking herbal tea with just a hint of cat urine while you search the room for exits?).

Colleen also hints that she and Mizz Jay thought that Ebony knocked into Sarah deliberately. Ebony is shocked that they noticed… I mean felt that way. Although, if you replay it, you can tell Ebony tries to lean away from her and Sarah is the one that doesn’t give any leeway. I actually think Ebony is nice but no one believes it, is it just me?

I love being right all the time.

Anywho, as she gears them up to tell them the winner I fall to my knees and pray for the first time ever in my life (and with my track record there’s no way anyone would listen), for the love of god please don’t pick Bianca. And the winner is…..Saleisha! YAY!

As the commercial break starts Cakes realizes we had no more wine so I go to see if there’s any rubbing alcohol when I hear the most annoying commercial voice EVER. Oh, it’s just Jaslene in her CoverGirl commercial. You know, the one that suspiciously only airs during ANTM.

Jaslene: “This is my life as a CovahGirl.”
Cakes: “She really doesn’t have the voice to be in commercials”
Pach: Emulating the fierceness, “This is the only commercial I eva made.”

Back from break – Tyra Mail! Cakes astutely observes that the Tyra Mail has gotten majorly dumbed down over time because the models just plain couldn’t figure the damn things out. Now, instead of fancy rhyming riddles, it’s “Tomorrow you will do a photo shoot on a rock wall,” and they’re all “wait… like, in outer space?!”

Matthew Jordan Smith is the photographer for this weeks shoot. He is one of the big wigs who shot early pictures of Tyra… when she was skinny and super hot and people wanted pictures of her.

I kid, I kid! T-Bo, let’s do lunch!

The models will be taking pictures up on a harness against a rock wall. How earthy! Lisa is up first and tells the camera she’s afraid of heights but tried really hard not to show it. I’m sorry, Lisa, did you say you’re afraid of heights or aroused by them?

On-belay indeed!

All the girls have some strange makeup going on, but Janet’s was the most unfortunate. I think the makeup artist, in following the earth-tone theme, allowed a bird to defecate on her face and had Janet smear it across her forehead. How else do you explain this?

Bird poo’s SO hot right now.

Saleisha is really excited about this because some of these girls have never been in a photo shoot and she has. Dude, you have got to stop, because while I’m glad you’re saving this for confessionals and not pissing off the other girls with it, I absolutely cannot listen to you talk about your already burgeoning career anymore. My ears have started bleeding, for serious. Meanwhile, if she’s done so much in the industry already, why does she need to do this show?

Victoria is up and babbles incoherently while frolicking around in her dress. All I hear is “Yale, blah blah blah Yale yadda yadda Yale. I WENT TO YALE.” Jay asked her afterwards what she was thinking while she was up there and she thinks about this for a moment before saying “I felt like a sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine.” Wow. Insert screeching noise here. Should’ve just said Yale.

Heather’s makeup and hair make her straight up look like a bird. Not a model with poo smeared on her face like Janet, but an actual bird. When she got down the girls cheered for her and said they were really proud of her. Aww, T-Bo you picked a really good bunch! Not a bunch of good models per se, just a bunch of (seemingly) good people. Kimberly and Bianca not included. Team Cycle 9!

Heather really seems to be coming out of her shell this episode and Bianca says something about having to stop her before she gets there. Oh, hey, remember when I said RCN was the devil last week? I take that back, it’s gotta be Bianca’s mother, because that girl is the spawn of Satan if I’ve ever seen it. Cakes says all the attitude is totally from her momma, who is probably sitting on her bed of fire cheering, “That’s right baby; you poison that girl’s food!”

Panel time! Due to the phenomenal prize Saleisha won, Tyra introduces the judges in a fake French accent. T-Bo, I thought we talked about this. You’re fake accents are really really bad. Stick to what you know. Namely, making models cry.

Heather is up first and her best shot is KICK. ASS. The judges all love it and Tyra channels her inner Oprah by asking some super deep questions about Asperger’s regarding a lack of eye contact and Heather’s ability to connect. What she should have asked is how to pronounce it, because Merriam-Webster and I are pretty sure that it’s a hard G.

Janet’s up next. Her wide shot is good but I really don’t like her face. Her mouth looks super tense to me, like she was pressured into eating something really nasty and is doing her best to be polite while desperately trying not to swallow.

As Ebony walks up for her turn Tyra tells her she looks like she’s going home. What happened to all her confidence from the season premiere? Did Bianca suck it out of her with demon powers? I bet that’s it. Not that it matters though, because her picture is H.O.T. The other girls’ outfits are nothing exciting and don’t really stand out too much, and then Saucy McVixen over here comes and steals the show. Yowza!

And it doubles as a role-playing costume!

Speaking of doubles, Kimberly’s best shot doubles as her worst. It’s just not that good. Plus, it wasn’t even a picture of her growling! All that nonsense for nothing.

Chantal is up and I’ve got to say, this girl is doing a damn good job of flying under the radar because I keep forgetting she’s even on the show! Her wide shot is interesting because of the falling position she’s taken on, but her face scares me. Maybe it’s just the makeup but I don’t really like the majority of this shoot’s best pictures.

Sarah’s picture is alright and Tyra really likes the face. It really looks like she’s been climbing the wall, all in her evening wear, and took a quick break when someone snapped a shot of her.

Quit staring and get me some fucking water.

Lisa comes walking up and just as the shoot predicted, her best shot is mucho scandaloso. Nigel asks her who she was thinking about when she took this picture, eliciting one tad-too-hearty cackle from the Twiggy. Did anyone hear that? Not only was it delayed, but it sounded maniacal.

I do really like the picture, it’s a very strong pose but the judges think her face looks self conscious. Judges, I don’t know if you heard, but she disrobes on stage for a living. I don’t think confidence is an issue here…

Making strippas proud.

Saleisha is up and they discuss her winning the competition. Of course, they can’t just say congrats and move on, they have to discuss Tyra’s early modeling days. Cough, living in the past, cough cough. Her best shot is upside-down and I like it! The judges say because she took risks, she’ll catch people’s eye.

I think our gal T-Bo is feeling a little threatened by Saleisha’s greatness because she tells her that she looks like the pretty girl next door and will have to fight to get through the door. Bad T-Bo! Don’t try and talk our sweet Saleisha into using physical violence to ruin her modeling career! We talked about sabotage, remember? Right after we discussed the bad accents.

Bianca is up next and when her best shot comes up there is… silence. Well, not from my couch there’s not, Cakes and I are cheering our tops off. The panel no likey this picture, because it’s bad. The judges think she looks really angry and Bianca tries to explain that Jay told her to focus on one emotion. That does sound like the kind of advice Jay would give, but I’m also pretty sure he would have advised against using rage as the aforementioned emotion.

See how she fashioned the rope into a noose? Yeah, not the best idea…

Victoria is up next and WOW, WOW, WOW. I love this picture! Seriously, she takes fantastic pictures. Twiggy likes it because she thinks Victoria has something unusual and Victoria comes right back asking her what’s unusual about her. Ooh, feisty! I think what Twiggy is thinking but can’t put her finger on is that she went to Yale. That’s Y-A-L-E.

How coy!

Ambreal is up next and there’s not much to say. I mean, it’s a big step of from Hannibal Lector last week, but nothing fantastic.

Jenah is the last one to go. Her best shot is pretty good as well. The judges think it’s gorgeous! The elongation of the neck is superb! Such a strong face! T-Bo tells Jenah she heard that she had a little leg-up on this shot and Jenah regales her with stories of rock climbing. I want to punch her in the mouth.

Deliberation time! The judges do their typical dance around each of the models. Sarah is very awkward, Lisa took a brave shot and looks in control, Saleisha’s shot took a lot of courage, Jenah has great talent. They laugh about Victoria always coming back to Twiggy when she comments. Nigel thinks she’s out to get her. Yikes, watch out Twigs, Victoria’s a sea nymph on acid and you are a wall to be scaled.

When the girls are brought back in Tyra repeats the prizes and begins the name-calling. The girls called in order are: Jenah, Heather, Lisa, Chantal, Sarah, Ambreal, Victoria, Saleisha, Janet, Ebony.

Yes! That leaves Kimberly and Bianca in the bottom two. Maybe this will be one of the revered double-cuts (a gal can dream, can’t she?)! PS – Kimberly, probably not what you want to hear right now, but that’s what you get for taking advice from Crazy.

Aaaand Kimberly’s going home. The girls all look unfazed except for Heather, who is crying. That’s it; I’m officially placing an order for a Team Heather shirt complete with a life-sized cardboard cutout. Cardboard Heather and I will have drinks on the porch and I’ll dress her up for Halloween and Cinco de Mayo (the dogs really hate wearing sombreros; it will be a welcome break)… and I don’t live on a farm but, who doesn’t need a scarecrow these days, am I right?

Hey now, don’t cry, this isn’t the end. I’m sure your father will be happy to take more pictures of you… naked… wow, I just creeped myself out.

And that’s the show for this week! What did you all think? I realized at the end of the hour that the show tends to give the girl who goes home a lot of face time in the beginning of the episode… I’ll have to test this out next week. In the meantime, you stay classy, Gasmii.