America’s Next Top Model: You call THAT a makeover episode?!

I have to say, I was so super mega excited for makeovers I had my shears and makeup laid out to give myself one along with the show. Unfortunately, I was a little disappointed by it. Actually, I take that back, it’s incredibly fortunate. The other times I’ve tried to cut my own hair I scared the neighbors’ children really badly and was banished to my room until it grew back. Let’s look at the infamous makeover episode and see who got clipped, shorn, coiffed and goosed this week on America’s Next Top Model!

The makeover show got here just in time!

The girls are all hanging out in different areas of the house discussing the competition getting tougher. In the kitchen, Victoria the Sea Nymph says it’s hard because she just isn’t a model. She didn’t want it before, but now she does. You can tell this is pissing off the other girls because, hello?! Haven’t you seen past seasons? You NEVER act like you don’t want this more than anything in the world. You have to pretend not to notice the mounds of cash and opiates on that table over there and the strippers calling your name and that Bottega Veneta bag you’ve been eyeing for a lifetime but have never been able to afford, this is ANTM! Besides, if Bianca gets wind of you not caring, she’ll personally see to it that you’re ‘taken care of’. She just seems like that kind of girl…

In another room, Saleisha and Janet are talking about how horrible it would be to end up in the bottom two. Saleisha declares that we’ll never see her there. Ooh, could this be foreshadowing? Those sneaky editors!

Tyra Mail!!!! It talks about butterflies and metamorphosis, what could this possibly mean? MAKEOVER TIME! They girls are all really excited and scream and jump up and down and it’s all very sorority. A few of them are a little nervous though, which they better be because someone’s totally getting butchered!

They pull up the next day at the Ken Paves Hair Salon. Really? That’s interesting. Although I guess after Britney dropped him before the VMA’s and that Simpson girl stopped being popular it was only a matter of time before he started bottom-feeding.

Tyra and the Jay’s greet the girls and Tyra tells them that she personally chose all the new looks. T-Bo, I know you’re a former supermodel and all, but don’t you think you should leave the hair choices to professional hair-dressers? Case-in-point, she used Barbie’s Digital Makeover to show the girls their new dos.

Just click to create totally new looks!

Tyra then goes down the list of all the girls and tells them what they’ll be doing. For Ambreal they’re taking it off, Bianca gets Beyonce hair, Sarah gets her very own pixie-shag cut, Victoria gets highlights (lame!), Chantal gets yucko bangs and extensions, Jenah will have long platinum blonde hair, Ebony long and straight, Saleisha will look like a Beatle, and Heather hardly changes at all. Yippee!

They tell the girls that after the makeovers are done they’ll have a photo shoot showing off the new look. Victoria says she’s going blonde, but she’ll be a smart blonde. GET OVER YOURSELF. Seriously, the girl takes good pictures, but she needs to stop talking about Yale and how smart she is and how she’s so not a model. Its starting to get on my nerves, nymph.

Halfway through the girls there are no tears and no drama. What gives? I was expecting at least one full-blown high school style meltdown tonight and will be mighty disappointed if I don’t get it.

Apparently Ebony’s wig glue is all up on her face and it literally looks like they are pulling the skin off it. She looks like she’s in a lot of pain and I cringe for her. I won’t pretend I know how wigs and weaves work, because I don’t, but I think I can safely say I wouldn’t want to have one EVER. Plus, she looks uber crazy without it.

Janet’s hair is a bit darker and Ambreal’s looks smoother, boring! Jenah thinks her new blonde extensions aren’t as edgy as she is. Jenah, this just in: if you have to proclaim yourself as edgy, you probably aren’t.

Bianca is still in the chair while Jay discusses with her stylist that her hair is in such bad shape that they’ll never get it blonde without it being irreversibly damaged. Is it safe to say that’s why you don’t buy fugly $25 half-red half-black weaves? Yes. I think it is. Anyway, they tell her that preservation of hair is really important and for her, they’ll need to start fresh. THEY SHAVE THE GIRLS FREAKING HEAD and tell her she’ll be using a medical latex wig for shoots. Wow. Then, of course, there’s the obligatory shot of the whirring razor being held in the air. Very dramatic, producers. Well played.

As they shave her hair off, Bianca is quiet but has tears rolling down her face. Saleisha says she feels really sorry for her and it makes me happy. After all that nonsense Bianca was shouting last week you better believe I’d be all “get a little closer to the skin!”

She spent all night doing her hair and then forgot to bring it with her. HIYO!

Sidenote: While researching bald jokes to burn Bianca, I came across an equally hilarious and gross one which I have spared you. Americas Next Top Model recaps: kid friendly since 10.10.07!

Okay, back to business. She is sad with a capital S. Mizz Jay, (who is totally letting me down lately- I mean, have you seen his totally normal masculine attire lately? Are we going to have to call them Jay 1 and Jay 2 now? I actually wouldn’t mind that… I love me some Cat in the Hat. But seriously, Ambigu-Jay, make up your mind for the sake of my recaps, mmkay?) is walking around her chair whistling “Hush Little Baby” and I want to kick him in the head.

Bianca is talking to Ebony about not having any hair while Chantal is maybe 3 feet from her talking about how much she loves hers. It is fantastic. Regular Jay tells her that this will allow her more versatility. She actually looks much better and is it just me or has the hair cut acted as a dose of insta-humble? In other news, the wig actually kicks ass.

Blast!

Tyra Mail! Can you make your way from the back stage to the front of the modeling industry?

Bianca is talking about her (lack of) hair and tells us that her mom told her that once you cut your hair, you’re ugly. Umm, Britney Spears, take note, this may come in handy for you: that is NOT something that a good mother says to her child.

They arrive the next day in the fashion district and Nigel is there! He tells them he wants to introduce them to someone very special – a former model, makeup artist, and friend. His wife! Awww Nigel!!!!

I may or may not have photoshopped my head onto this and framed it.

Lady Nigel tells them today’s challenge is a makeup challenge. Yay! There with them is Brent Poer, the ANTM Covergirl consultant. He tells them that Covergirl is relaunching covergirl.com and yadda yadda yadda, the challenge is to do their own makeup backstage in 5 minutes to prepare for a big runway show. The winner will be featured on CG’s website in a how-to apply makeup video, or something. I know they’ve got to have sponsors but come ON.

Lady Nigel tells them they’ll need to pair a dramatic eye with a glossy, nude lip. Turns out that’s my everyday makeup so… what exactly is the challenge? Oh man, when I’m on this next season I’ve got the competition BEAT!

The girls are all in pink satin robes and, when they’re given the go, run for the makeup counters like the Playboy bunnies from Hef’s bed (because isn’t he just a tad too old for this now?).

Aaahhhh I touched something wrinkly!!!!

While they’re putting on their makeup, Bianca says she doesn’t like what she sees in front of the mirror because she looks like a boy. Honestly though, she’s got the face to totally pull it off. And no, B, this does not mean we’ve made nice, I’ve just never been a good liar.

Each of the girls had a rack with their name on it, but for some reason Janet can’t find hers. She ends up wearing a different dress than the rest because she couldn’t find her rack. Why, if they were all suppose to wear the same exact thing, would they have a large assortment of dresses? These are wannabe models, Tyra, not MENSA candidates. The girls all make it onto the runway in the alloted time and the judges give their comments. On an unrelated note, Jenah looks super creepy with long blonde hair.

One of these things is not like the other…

After the runway show, they announce that Sarah wins. Ooh, too bad for Covergirl. I don’t like the hair, she looks like a boy, and I personally wouldn’t want her on my website.

**I did go on the CG website to check that she was really featured and yes, she is. And no, it’s not good. **

Tyra Mail!!! It says something about being deflowered and HOLY CRAP, they’re shooting pornos! Wow, Tyra is really getting down and dirty this season, huh? The girls start freaking out because they think it’s going to be a naked shoot. Don’t worry girls; you don’t necessarily have to be naked to have sex on camera.

During the commercial break there’s a nonsensical CoverGirl commercial with Jaslene, except it’s not about CG products. It’s about her work with the Lifetime movie network on domestic abuse. They don’t actually say what role Jaslene is playing in the operation, but we do find out she got her ass whooped on a regular basis. But, I mean, come on, if you had to listen to that day in and day out, wouldn’t you throw down every now and then?

The next day is the photo shoot! Jay1 is waiting for them and tells them they’re going to be various flowers and plantlife for the shoot. Oh… deflowering. I guess that makes sense. Although a porn would have been cooler. The photographer is Lionel Deluy of “There’s A Baby in my Flower!” fame. I kid, I kid, and he has actually taken some stunning pictures of celebrities.

They give the girls their flora assignments. Bianca is a sunflower and is working the new (lack of) hair. Janet is walking sex… I mean hydrangea.

Mystique! What are you doing on the CW?!

Pachita Fun Fact: I love everything Marvel.

Heather is weeds, which she’s none too happy about. But it doesn’t really matter because she rocks the shoot anyway. Chantal, on the other hand, is baby’s breath. She is really excited but does horrible because Jay 1 and the photographer are giving her too much clashing advice. Jay says she looks too Maxim and she cries to camera that she “could have done a really good job if they would just shut up for 2 seconds!” Uh-oh, someone’s going home! As soon as she realized it was a struggle, she totally broke down. Another great line from our quiet blonde in reference to Jay’s direction, “it shouldn’t be like that, I can do this on my own.” No honey, you can’t, and that’s why you’re not a real model yet.

Saleisha is a tulip and, after the makeup artist was done with her, she had so much pink on her face you’d think her mother just walked in on her masturbating or something.

I SAID DON’T COME IN!

Sarah is ivy and the photographer is not crazy about her because she doesn’t take direction well. Ambreal is a rose and I hate her hair. Jay tells her she needs to bring grace and elegance to her face.

Victoria looks like princess Leia and whines to the other girls that she just wants to put on a tee shirt and sneakers and go… to the library. Her words. On my list of fun things to do, going to the library to study is definitely pretty low on the list. Also, what is she trying to do but constantly stating how she’d rather be at school? Is she trying to belittle the other girls? She is ridiculous, why is she even here?! Lisa seems to agree with me and is staring daggers.

Victoria is a cactus and Jay says she overthought the shoot, Jenah is moss and does well, Ebony is bird of paradise and looks AWESOME.

When they get home Tyra Mail is waiting for them. Time for panel!

Victoria is telling the girls that the whole thing seems so ludicrous sometimes. Ooh, look at me, a big bad Yale grad, using big words the other models won’t understand. Chantal says her heart is broken. Why, you ask? Rumor has it the shoot cheated on her with her best friend… or she doesn’t think her shoot went very well. I forget. Chantal asks Victoria if she’s sure she wants to be a model and she doesn’t answer. Of course not, GO HOME VICTORIA.

Panel time! The girls all come in with their fancy new hairdos and, listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Jenah looks like a supercreep with her makeover! Who’s with me?

After my girl T-Bo lists the prizes and introduces the judges (“Nigel looking so hot right now, Twiggles Twiggles Twiggy, and our guest judge is Lionel Deluy…”) in that insipid faux French accent of hers, they dive right in with the best shots.

Victoria is up first. Her best shot is… interesting. She does look like a cactus I guess. AmbiguJay says she has too many wrinkles in her neck. Twiggy starts in with “it’s funny you were given cactus, which is prickly and…” when Victoria interrupts her and says “can I get something straight? I’m not a prickly person. I’m not just a quiet mouse.” What a bitch! No one cuts off Twiggy, NO ONE! Nigel tells her it’s not about being quiet; it’s about taking criticism graciously. Tyra throws out an additional veiled message to watch out. Ooh, bad move Vikki. I guess Yale doesn’t teach common sense and respect. HA, WICKED BURN!

Sarah is up next. The picture is great, the judges think its very Garden of Eden. I like that the picture hid the haircut well.

Lisa is next with an awesome picture, I think her upper body looks fantastic and she’s got a very strong face. Tyra thinks it’s fabulous but she needs to take more chances.

Saleisha as a tulip is not great. To me it resembles a prom night walk of shame. Seriously, she looks drunk. Twiggy says she lost her eyes (aka looks drunk) and she looks like a wilted tulip. Twigs, stop it, you’re killin’ me! Saleisha looks like she’s going to cry.

Jenah is so scary looking! Can’t they have a masquerade panel or something? Her best picture is great though, and she looks like she’s part of the tree. Is it just me, or does she looks an awful lot like Caridee here? Lionel says that when she’s a model he wants to photograph her because he knows she will be one. Ugh, don’t encourage her Lionel!

Janet’s best picture isn’t bad, but if this isn’t “men’s magazine” I don’t know what is. The judges LOVE it, but Tyra says that she didn’t like her film, it was too posey.

Ambreal looks like the devil. I know they were going for thorn with the hair, but I just really don’t like it

Heather is up next and the judges love it. Nigel says it’s one of the best pictures. To be honest, it kind of scares me. Actually, I take that back, it really scares me.

Bianca’s best shot is ho-hum. I like the colors, but she looks a little off. The judges aren’t crazy about it either. We are so in sync!

Chantal’s picture is very ethereal looking. Twiggy doesn’t like the face that much. Chantal tries to explain what happened on set (namely she doesn’t take direction well) and Nigel says that is a classic symptom on a shoot.

Ebony is up and I LOVE her picture. Love. She is definitely one of my favorites, but she always looks so down on herself. Tyra apes her and tells her that they hardly pay attention to the picture because in front of them, she’s so off.

And with that, the girls leave and its time for the deliberation! They really don’t like Victoria’s attitude, and there were several pictures they weren’t crazy about. Chantal was a let down and Saleisha is disappointing this week.

Back in front of the panel Tyra starts in with the names. Jenah, Sarah, Heather, Lisa, Janet, Ambreal, Ebony (phew), Bianca and Chantal are all called, leaving Saleisha and Victoria in the bottom two. Well, I mean, Saleisha can’t go home yet, right?

Tyra tells Victoria she’s too abrasive and snappy and no one wants to work with someone like that (or watch them, either). Saleisha on the other hand is gorgeous, has a great personality, but her pictures aren’t so hot. So who goes home? Victoria! Suck on that! Man, she was one of my favorites when it came to pictures but girly has to lose that tude of hers. Plus, I really don’t think Saleisha is anywhere close to being done yet.

Ah well, back to Yale where you can wear all the flannel and read all the books you want! Yippee! She is actually fine with it and tells us that it just wasn’t in her heart as she leaves.

So, we’re down to 10! What did you guys think? Does Bianca seem humbled or what? Were you as let down as I was that the makeover episode wasn’t chock full of nonsense? Tune in next week, same time, same place! Thanks for reading! xoxo