Americas Next Top Model: So T-Bo’s… kind of a bitch.

Welcome back gang for another not-so-exciting installment of Americas Next Top Model! While the episode itself was ho-hum, I must say one large WOW to the ending. Its not that I was surprised, it’s just… well, yeah I guess I was surprised. Find out why, after the jump!

This just in: T-Bo is not to be messed with.

The episode starts off with Ebony talking to Jenah at the house. So who do we think is going home? Ebony, right? Well, let’s hope for T-Bo’s sake its not. She says she’s going to try to smile more. Jenah tells her she needs to bring it in panel. Jenah, what YOU need to do is start wearing a paper bag over your head when you don’t have your makeup professionally done because, for serious, no one wants to look at that.

Courtesy of ny2duval. The resemblance is striking, no?

Elsewhere in the house, Ambreal is on the phone with her dad telling him about being in the bottom two. The harsh reality of not being ANTM material is getting to her and it’s not fun. Harsh realities never are. Once when I was young I found a piece of sidewalk chalk in front of my neighbor’s house. ‘Kick ass!’ I thought to myself, only with fewer expletives because I was not of cursing age yet, and began to write. I was just putting a heart over the I in my name (because whatevs) when the chalk broke in two, revealing a brown center. ‘Strange,’ I thought, ‘sidewalk chalk isn’t supposed to be…’ and that’s when it hit me; I was holding a stick of petrified dog poo.

Pachita life lesson #1: Unexpected sidewalk chalk, while exciting and incredibly intriguing, is more trouble than its worth.

Anyway, Ambreal’s dad gives her some advice and tells her she needs to focus and not worry about having fun all the time. Oh, thanks HITLER. I’ll stop trying to enjoy life and get back to the wonderful world of boring straight away.

Bianca is sitting outside talking to Heather’s twin sister, who is not afflicted with a socially crippling disease and loves her some makeup. Heather, you are beautiful, and I really like you, but what is with the midday mask? Seriously, I don’t think I’ve worn that much makeup at one time since my debut as “Chorus Girl 18″ in Fiddler on the Roof 15 years ago. The odd couple talks about their strengths and weaknesses in the competition and Bianca tells Heather she just needs to practice (in regards to her profile shots).

Traditioooooooon, tradition!

The next morning the doorbell rings and Ambreal opens it to find Tyson Beckford. Hello yummy! The girls run around like chickens with their heads cut off while Tyson basks in the glory of being able to make girls cream themselves at first sight.

When he manages to gather the brood, he tells them they each have to go into the kitchen and bring back one item. After the items have been chosen he tells them they are each going to be the spokesperson for the item they picked, but they have to do it all sexy-like. Good thing I wasn’t there, I would have picked a spork. Jenah feels my pain because she grabbed a handheld blender. And the side-by-side of Jenah and the torturer hits a little closer to home…

The girls take turns trying to turn Tyson on as I karate-chop alliteration all around the room. Chantal has a popsicle which, I mean, come on, Mizz Jay could make that look sexy.

Ebony has a kettle and does something super lame and shy with it. Heather grabbed a wine glass and talks about sophistication and how it’s fingerprint-proof. Which comes in handy, you know, in case you decide to sit for a nice glass of vintage Merlot while still in the house of the person you just murdered.

When all the kitchen object nonsense is over, Tyson leaves and the girls all die a little inside. Not to worry, ladies, Tyra Mail is here and informs the girls that they need to recognize their cause.

The next day they show up for their challenge. Tyson is there with a representative from the I Am African campaign as well as the Keep A Child Alive campaign. Today the girls will be broken into teams and will have to come up with a thirty second public service announcement for Keep A Child Alive. Here’s the thing, I know it’s been said but these girls are aspiring models. Why would you even want to see what they would come up with? Isn’t that why creative teams exist? To come up with things for the stupid pretty people (I mean, especially now that Victoria’s gone, because in case you forgot; she went to Yale.)?

Sadly, the ANTM budget cuts have rendered T-Bo helpless, and the girls are on their own. The girls are assigned their teams, pull their thinking caps on and get busy.

Team 1 consists of Lisa, Chantal and Bianca and they come up with a sort of ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil’ bit. It goes well until Bianca’s inability to speak properly screws it all up.

Team 2 is Heather, Jenah and Ambreal and they say their shtick while holding up cue cards. It’s a little budget, but the girls all do fine.

Team 3 is Sarah, Saleisha and Ebony and their motto is “The face of AIDS is female.” They’ve got Mother, Sister, Daughter written on their chests and all the girls do really well.

When they’re all done the campaign rep gives them some feedback. She tells the girls one of the most important things to remember is the name of the charity, BIANCA. She tells the girls to believe what they want to say and yadda yadda yadda. And the winner is… team 2! Lisa Price, the founder of Carols Daughter, brings in 2 gift baskets. One of the three girls will get to do a Carols Daughter photo shoot with the one and only Mary J. Blige! I love her! They pick a name out of a hat and the winner is Heather.

Heather heads over to the photo shoot and meets the photographer, Michael Rolston, who has done some big names. Heather tells us “and then I turn around and there’s Mary J. Blime!” Wow! I mean, I would have been more excited if it were Mary J. BLIGE but, whatever floats your boat.

They go through wardrobe choices and MJB tells the crew “let’s give this girl a tan.” Uh-oh, looks like someone was hoping the winner wouldn’t be the whitest white girl on the show.

During the shoot, the photographer keeps telling her over and over to look straight at the camera. Heather looks amazing and, after a rocky start, takes the direction well.

MJB is impressed and says heather’s got what it takes to run shit. Heather says MJB was super cool and down to earth and even put up with her being a girly fan. Or not…

Okay, that was nice, now get off me.

That night all the girls end up… drunk in the closet? It’s weird. Someone says something about loving the closet because it’s cozy and warm. I totally get them though, on the off chance I made it back to my own room my first year of college my roommate would find me in the morning curled up on the floor of my closet. Which, incidentally, was about 1/8th the size of the ANTM closet.

Anyway, the closet is a place of honesty and Ebony ends up telling the girls that she wants to go home. She’s realized modeling isn’t for her, and she’s homesick and misses her family. I’m guessing what she’s really missing is the crack rock, it’s pretty hard to give up.

Bianca starts giving her some advice and I get tunnel vision while the Twilight Zone theme song starts playing. What kind of alternate reality is this where Ebony goes home and Bianca’s nice?! I don’t know which way is up anymore

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension – a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas…

Heather gets home after midnight and tells the girls she had a blast. Bianca tells us that she considers Heather to be her biggest competition because she doesn’t have to work hard to make her face come out good in pictures. Heather baffles her. Yeah, join the club B. Heather’s been baffling us all since episode 1. What, with her triumphant conquering of Asperger’s and blatant confession of sophisticated grand larceny earlier this episode… she’s a regular Thomas Crown.

The next day it’s time for the photo shoots. The girls meet with Jay1 and he tells them that when they’re the next top model they’ll have to give back. And seeing as how this show is practice for all but one of them to go back to the nothing they have at home, today’s shoot will be practice! Each girl is going to represent a different recyclable material. That’s not too bad I guess. Although I do feel bad for the girl that has to be compost…

Heather is going to be Aluminum cans and is nervous about profiling. Jay loves it and tells her she didn’t give ONE profile shot. Looks like someone’s been taking the panel’s advice!

Chantal has shredded paper, Sarah garbage bags, Saleisha car parts, and Ebony bubble wrap. But here’s the thing, how much waste was created in making the sets for all of these? I mean, seriously. Just head over to a junkyard and have the girls all make their own costumes. Now THAT’s a waste-less shoot.

Jenah is cardboard and the boogeyman. Bianca is oil cans. Sultan oils her up and she tries her best to smile with her eyes. Jay1 is muy impressed at how well she’s taking everyone’s advice.

Lisa is water bottles and Ambreal newspaper. Jay says Ambreal was really uninspiring. I love how Jay tells them what they’re doing wrong AFTER the shoot, so they don’t have the chance to change it. Oh well.

TyraMail!!! Panel time, only 8 will continue on.

Panel time! Nigel is wearing a wig and is a whole lot less sexified. Our guest judge is the delicious Tyson Beckford. It’s so funny that he’s taking me out on the town on the same night his ANTM episode airs, don’t you think? That means we’re meant to be.

Saleisha is up first and I really like her best shot. Its very confident and showing a lot of neck. Tyson likes what she did with her lips. My god this man just oozes sex, no?

Jenah is next and her cardboard shot is actually not great in my opinion. I like her attitude but not her face. And no, not in a “Jenah’s ugly” kind of way, I just don’t think it’s a great picture.

Ambreal is up and the judges think she’s dead in the eyes. Jay’s notes include “When did she forget how to model?” Ouch! I don’t think it’s a horrible shot, I actually like it. The judges hate it though.

Lisa has plastic bottles. I don’t like this picture and I usually LOVE Lisa’s. Jay’s notes say she takes great risks, but T-Bo’s not fooled and says they’re too obvious now. She needs to take new risks. Like hopping on your Vespa and playing a cunning game of ‘Chicken’ with a Mac truck.

Bianca as recycled oil is boooooring. It is much too plain looking for me. Tyra really likes that she learned to smile with her eyes.

Twigs thinks Sarah’s garbage bag shot is very professional looking and Nigel thinks she’s lost quite a bit of weight. They do a before and after from when she first got there and her face does look a lot thinner. Uh-oh Sarah! Once you’re not the “real-sized-girl” you’re no one!

Ebony is up with bubble wrap and EEW to the face. They zoom in and she’s got a filthy mcnasty snarl on her face. The judges are (obviously) underwhelmed.

Chantal has shredded paper and I like it! Her hair is all kinds of crazy but it really gives the picture a little more life than the others had.

Heather is up and her best shot is awesome! The judges are blown away by the lack of profile and think her face is stunning.

Time for the deliberation! I don’t think there’s any surprise that Ambreal and Ebony are in the bottom two. So who stays? Ebony. But wait! As Tyra hands Ebony her photo Ebony starts to cry and tell T-Bo she doesn’t want to be there anymore. She says she misses her family and she wants to go home!

Tyra says she doesn’t like quitters and she thinks Ebony is just tired of being told what to do. What?! I don’t know about you all, but I think Ebony just couldn’t handle the competition, and her self-esteem issues were overbearing. I think she certainly could have done without Tyra’s not-so-subtle slap in the face. God forbid someone should not be grateful for what T-Bo’s given them. I bet she’ll have Ebony kidnapped in a week and put into an Iron Maiden or something. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be surprised…

T-Bo then turns to Ambreal and tells her she’s got a free pass. Ambreal, who has got to feel like a fool, accepts graciously. T-Bo is obviously PISSED and it is hilarious.

So Ebony takes off, crying as she tells the camera she just wants to go home. Its sad, I thought she was so good! What happened to her competitive edge from the first episode? Did they just edit it that way so when this happened we agreed with Tyra’s bitchy reaction? What did you all think?

‘Til next time, keep on Pachin’ Gasmii.