America’s Next Top Model: Nothin’ to see here

So I know we all could have done without a “season so far” episode, but not all hope is lost. We were given a couple of things to discuss. Not very exciting things, mind you, although Mila did make a guest appearance to remind me to sleep with the light on. But hey, I work with what I’ve got. So, what did we find out about the girls that we didn’t know yet? Chantal’s really a man! Bianca’s a zoophiliac! Heather was misinformed and actually has… nothing at all. Find out what went down behind the scenes, after the jump!

And my therapist thought I was making such great progress…

The episode begins with T-Bo the Bitchiful telling us about the girls’ journey. We are whisked away to the first episode where the semi-finalists are chosen. Tyra personally calls all of them (I’m so sure) and there’s home video of the girls receiving the call. What I’d like to know is, why were all of these people conveniently being recorded when T-Bo called them? What if one of them hadn’t picked up? Would she have left a message saying “This is Tyra Banks, I have some really exciting news for you. Call me back to learn more about this amazing opportunity!”? I personally screen all my phone calls and if I don’t know your number its check ya later, hombre.

In some of the new footage we are treated to is a girl named Spontaiouse. That’s right, her name is Spontaniouse. T-Bo asks how she got that name and it involves a reenactment of her birthing. The word unbearable comes to mind and I wonder why her name isn’t “Painful.”

Hey! Remember Heather back when she had Asperger’s? We see her intro to the panel as she clunks her way to the front of the stage and I remember why I never thought she’d make it very far. Well played, Heather.

We see once again the choosing of the final 13 which, incidentally, is not exciting the second time either. Later, in a van, Ebony is sassing it up by saying she isn’t here to make friends, it’s a competition, and ignoring the rest of the girls. Bianca is not crazy about her attitude and tells the camera “you don’t have to be a bitch and be competitive.” Oh, really? Funny you should call someone else out on being a bitch, B. In the spirit of naming children ridiculous names that are actually adjectives, Bianca should have been named Hypocritte (extra t added for classiness). In other news; did anyone else notice that T-Bo is really pushing the sassy Ebony footage?

Yadda yadda yadda… more footage we’ve already seen… Victoria being annoying, Ebony sassing, Saleisha being so freaking cute with long hair I endure a blackout rage or two, Jenah looking… normal-ish with darker, shorter hair. Ah pre-makeover delight. What the crap, in past seasons the makeovers have been great! Still bitter, Pach? Yes. Yes I am.

Back at the house with the top 12, Kimberly et al inform us in the confessional room that there was some wild and crazy shit going down in the ANTM house. BIANCA… RAN INTO… THE GLASS DOOR! Can you even believe how wild and crazy these girls are?!

Have no fear, Gasmii, there is not a new strain of glass door that is 100% undetectable to the naked eye, they just don’t have glass in Queens. I know because I grew up on Long Island. Let’s just say the winters really bring out the Darwin in all of us. The blizzard of ’85 killed off half the town.

Anyway, the girls all gather around the Door of Despair and laugh like hyenas because Bianca left a face print on the door when she slammed into it. First things first, the girl hit the side of her face. Second, what was she doing sprinting out the door with her head turned? Third, it looks like homegirl used a slice of pizza to wipe off the face-print. Good lord, T-Bo, get Noxzema to sponsor an episode or two.

We see some clips from the first photo shoot as well as T-Bo announcing the no-smoking cycle again. Turns out Jenah had a really hard time with this because she was the biggest smoker in the house. She didn’t deal with this like a normal person would; you know, with lollipops or Nicorette or patches. No, she dealt with it by… throwing balls at the girls? I can understand if she were trying to do them a favor, considering the lack of male attention and the fact that I’m sure several of them were used to having balls flying at their faces (ZING!). But no, she was just being annoying. Really, really annoying.

And now its time for the Chantal throw-down we’ve been hearing about. Remember when Bianca and Saleisha got into it and B called S (OMG it’s just like Gossip Girl!) borderline plus sized? Well, Chantal tells us that she felt she needed to stand up for Saleisha so that the girls would know that Bianca can’t push everyone around. And how! Chantal, girl, you need to be speaking up more often!

She gets in Bianca’s face and it is great. She’s like the female, ANTM Chuck Norris! There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chantal allows to live. What a badass.

Chantal has two speeds: Walk and Kill

We see some more footage of Bianca being a total C-U-Next-Tuesday, including hopping in front of Heather for the phones for no reason at all. She’s like a fruit fly. I hate fruit flies. They just fly around bothering everyone all the time. Ugh. Apparently, though, she’s not completely void of human emotion. After Kimberly got cut B was pretty upset and locked herself in the bathroom for a while to drop sadness-bombs into the toilet. On the list of things I definitely did not ever need to see, its footage of Bianca clogging the toilet.

Makeovers are shown again, for reasons unbeknownst to me. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. The makeovers SUCKED. Please don’t shove them down our throats. We find out that shortly after the makeovers, T-Bo paid the girls a surprise visit with Dr. Lorie Polis, a specialist on body image, and Dani from cycle 6. They talk to the girls about weight issues, and the pressure they will inevitably feel when some of them actually become models. The girls take turns telling their guests how they would feel if someone asked them to lose weight for a job and that’s when it hits me; Ambreal looks like a lion!

Why did I not see this before?!

Well Chiclets, that’s it for this week’s filler episode. It wasn’t all for nothing though, because we finally got to see some personality from Chantal, which was nice. Let’s get real though, we’re down to the final 9 – who is everyone pegging as our top 3? It’s a pretty tough call… I’m thinking Jenah, Lisa, and Chantal. Maybe Heather? Or Bianca? I don’t know…. I’m so confused!

As always, ’til next time, you stay classy Gasmii.