Americas Next Top Model: Where’d Our Girls Go?

This week on Americas Next Top Model, three words. Enrique. Freaking. Iglesias. Oh, Enrique, how I te quiero! Remember the good old college days when KB and I would do interpretive dances to “Escape” after a night out at the bars? Or even while still AT the bar if we were lucky enough to find a juke box that played your sweet, sweet, melodies? We sure were mucho loco, no? Or how about that time you cast Jennifer Whore Hewitt instead of me for your “Hero” video even though we both know fully well that I would have made a fantasmical negligee-clad captive? Its okay, I’ve forgiven you. Let’s just go back to the way we were. Okay, mi piquena col? Besos!

You can be MY hero, baby

Yes, friends, THE Enrique Iglesias made a cameo this week to shoot his music video. Allow me to break it down for you: You see, no one watches music videos these days, so not as much dinero goes into making them. Hence the decision to make it an ANTM challenge.*** Free extras, woot woot! And who better to teach the girls the necessary music-video-slut-crawl? My girl T-Bo!

Actually, ladies and gents, as much as it pains me to admit it, the T-Bo and I have had a bit of a falling out. Ebony stole my heart and T got jealous and stole it back from her, stomped all over it, then lit it on fire and had a stray cat defecate on the ashes. She really is quite rancorous. It got creepy and several restraining orders have already been filed. Anywho… we’ve got some more Bitchy Bianca this week as well as Conceited Chantal, Livin La Vida Lisa, and How-is-she-still-winning-everything Heather.

We kick off this week’s episode with the girls discussing Ebony’s departure. They all seem to agree that its better that she went home and left the space for someone who really wanted it. Ambreal is really nervous because she knows she has got to STEP IT UP this week if she wants to stick around.

Sarah is also nervous because everyone keeps commenting on all her weight loss. Listen up chunk, if everyone were telling me I was losing weight I would bat my eyelashes and thank them as I spun around saying things like “Why, me? I’ve hardly changed anything in my routine!” or “Oh, how you do go on! Silly you with your honesty and your flattery and what are you doing later?” Plus, wouldn’t you rather be a healthy and comfortable in your body than “plus sized”? I’m confused.

So who do we think will go home this week? Good thing the editors tells us in the first minute who its going to be! I mean, if it isn’t Ambreal it’s got to be Sarah, right? Thanks for making me think less, ANTM. I’ll be sure to thank (read: sue) you when I’ve got Alzheimer’s at age 30.

At the house that night a bunch of the girls are in the hot tub talking about how they think they’ll make it to the top. Bianca starts in with her self loathing veiled as judgement veiled as complaint by saying that she’s never seen Heather do anything extraordinary with her face. Heather, believing they have to stay in character from the gargoyle shoot for the whole competition, is crouched next to them denying that it’s easy for her.

She goes inside and puts on two full faces of makeup before telling us that maybe she just has a better time posing because she’s an artist, so she actually thinks about the final product, not just herself in the picture. Seriously, she looks better without all that.

Tyra Mail!!! The girls gather around and read aloud “This is why I’m hot; this is why you’re not.”

I’m guessing this isn’t what you were referring to…

The next day the girls arrive at a dance studio where there are nude leotards and heels waiting for all of them. T-Bo, this is incredibly similar to your talk show. Yes, there is a writers strike, but can’t you at least pick different colored leotards to embarrass people in?

They’re all waiting around for something when who walks in? Tyra! Not that it’s a surprise to the viewers; I’ve been watching the big T slide down the wall in previews all week. Have you noticed that not even the models seem all that excited when she makes her surprise appearances?

Tyra tells the girls that there are difference sorts of sexy, but model sexy is the sexiest. She regales them with stories from her heyday and talks about all the music videos she was in as if it were yesterday (and not 20 years ago). They do a couple of exercises including the sexified runway walk, flirting with the mirror, the wall slide, and sexy music video crawling.

Flirting with the mirror is one of the lamest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Let me see how I can describe this… its basically looking into the mirror and flirting with yourself. You know, hugging yourself and blowing kisses, but then acting really coy about the kisses and flipping your hair over your eyes to pretend to hide from yourself, even though you really want it? It’s kind of like that.

Ambreal has a hard time with this because 1) she isn’t much of a model and 2) she doesn’t like making a total ass of herself, Tyra. T-Bo, on the other hand, LOVES this exercise and they stop just as I’m winding up to throw a wine bottle at the screen.

The wall slide is your basic drunk-and-dancing-with-your-girlfriends-at-a-bar-even-though-its-not-that-kind-of-place-and-all-the-sober-people-are-probably-still-laughing-at-you downwards shimmy, slowed down to what I can only assume is sexy music video model speed. The girls all do a fairly good job (because, really, how can you mess that up?) except for Lisa because her leg muscles aren’t strong enough for her to lift herself back up. Say it with me now, whaaa? How is it possible that my strippa can’t do the strippiest thing of all?

Last but not least is the sexy crawl. It’s like crawling, only sexier. All I know is T-Bo hands out kneepads and I start handing out BJ jokes like it’s my job. The girls all go and do fine because… they’re crawling. You may as well have asked them to breathe sexily. It just isn’t difficult. OR is it that I’m such a natural that its like I’m a supermodel already?!?! Hey, the signs in my head point to yes, just let me have this.

Actually, I spoke to soon. Bianca goes and does not do well, she has the legs down, but keeps her torso raised and doesn’t stretch out her legs. Plus, she looks hella pissed the whole time. Tyra keeps correcting her and she gets frustrated.

Next up is Heather and Bianca immediately starts in with how much better she did. Bianca’s crawl was bad but Heather’s is just scary. Its very, how do you say… clunky. She channels her very best dead-child-stuck-in-a-well-with-a-vengance and really nails it.

She never sleeps

Bianca tells us she is just waiting for T-Bo to go off on her. Aside from the fact that its pretty amusing the girls think nothing of T-Bo “going off” on one of them, its good to see B showing her true colors again, nice is so boring. Needless to say, Tyra commends Heather on a job well done because she has a disability she is such a kick ass crawler.

Bianca is pissed and tells us that Heather can do no wrong. This is cleverly cut with Tyra telling us that Heather has a Tim Burton-esque sexuality about her as we see Heather stalking her way around the room.

I don’t know, I’m not really into dolls.

When all the nonsense is over I rewind, watch it all over again, and shake my head sadly. Tyra is out of breath the entire time and they really aren’t doing anything that rigorous. I mean, hey, be whatever size you want, but at least be healthy!

Tyra Mail!!! It says something about musicians and I pull on my Team Enrique shirt and grab the nearest anything to use as a mic in anticipation of my Latin love (who, incidentally, loses major points for having the ANTM girls in his music video. In his defense though, I blame the industry [see intro]).***

The girls are led the next day onto a stage where they meet Jesse Terrerro, a popular music video director. He tells them they’re going to be working with an international musician and the girls all go bonkers trying to guess who it is. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not Celine Dion.

They are waiting in a trailer (why? I don’t know) when Jesse walks in to introduce them to… Enrique! Saleisha likey and tells us that he is so super Latin sexy. Hands off, Ringo. Jesse informs them that all of the girls will be in the music video but one girl will be featured. Enrique makes his way around the tightly packed trailer (seriously, wouldn’t it be a lot easier to choose someone based on looks if you could, I don’t know, see them all?) and comments on what a hard decision it’s going to be.

Primero, do I look sexy right now? Y segundo, how do I break it to them that this is all a lie?

The music video is to “Tired of Being Sorry” and is supposed to have a vampire-esque theme to it. They end up choosing Lisa as the featured girl. Yay! But what’s this? They’ve also decided to feature Heather. I am seriously starting to think this season has a little more sting-pulling behind the scenes than others. What gives?!

Okay, okay, she does have the Goth look going for her. And it turns out all she has to do is stare at Enrique in such a way I worry she really is a vampire looking to make Enrique Tired of Being Bitten (hiyo!), especially considering the fact that during the jumping scene (I don’t really know what else to call it, they’re all instructed to “go” and everyone just jumps up and down for a while) Heather informs us that she hasn’t eaten since breakfast and its now 8pm.

This is where I get angry. And, readers, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Why hasn’t she eaten since breakfast? What have the girls been doing all day (aside from the video) that they haven’t had any access to food? Shouldn’t a music video shoot that’s in a creepy underground vampire-lair dance-hall basement have craft service, or water, or at least some vials of blood? I’ve got an idea, instead of a music video next season, why not just throw the girls in a sweatshop for a while and the last model standing wins one less shift?

I’m not really sure why they made a big deal out of the “featured girl”, because they didn’t really get much more screen time than the others. Although they did get to encounter LA IGLESIAS! Lisa even got to stick her leg in front of him and try to vampire seduce him.

Jenah’s assignment was to stand and stare. And, I know I bash the girl a lot, but I also give credit where it’s due; Jenah looked FINE all done up for the music video.

STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!!!

Chantal’s cameo had her up against a wall looking annoyed. Or is she trying to look like a vampire? Maybe a badass? I can’t really tell. Her assignment was to be watching Enrique from across the room… I don’t know Jesse, what’s her motivation? Where’s the emotion? The director notices that she looks a little stiff but Chantal thinks that she nailed it.

Ambreal was lucky enough to get the wall slide. Like I said, anyone can freaking do this, so obviously she did a fine job. Looks like you got the golden ticket m’lady. I guess we’re hanging on to you for another week.

So, back to Heather not eating all day. Sarah tells us that she looks over at one point and sees Heather crouched over on the side of the room. She goes to talk to her and tells her she needs some water. Sarah tries to walk her out when Heather passes out. Enrique is walking by as this happens and looks scared/pissed off. Oh E, you’re so moody!

You’ve GOT to be kidding.

Heather looks ghastly white and they bring in the medics and sit her down with some Oxygen. Everyone is all kinds of freaked out and she even passes out for a minute. THIS is what happens when YOU DON’T EAT. Here’s a little basic algebra for those of you looking to expand your minds…

No food + no water + vampire rave = not the smartest idea + possible vomiting + (if you’re lucky) finally fitting into that dress you bought that’s a little snug but you refuse to return it because you just need to lose like ONE pound, which is totally do-able!

Anyway, aside from Heather’s minor brush with death, the girls all had a blast. I myself am pretty excited to see the video in its entirety.

***Late breaking news, Gasmii – I may or may not be a champion super sleuth, but that’s besides the point. While writing the recap I did a quick internet search for the music video so I could watch it again for myself. I found several different places to watch in its entirety and set about watching a couple of them. There was something strange about the video, and it wasn’t the vampires. I watched it a couple of times before allowing myself to believe it; The ANTM girls WEREN’T EVEN IN IT. You read correctly. I’ve included the video so you can see for yourselves. The actual video, released in September, does not feature a single one of the girls. On Enrique’s website, however, there is now the ANTM version of the video, put up just in time for the episode. Enrique, you have some serious ‘splainin’ to do. Call me later. NO Besos!

Yours,

Pachita, P.I***

Well now that the magic is gone for me, its time for panel. Everyone seems to be pretty confident with their performance, Chantal especially says she is sure she’s staying because she can act and she can dance and she did really well at the shoot. Well excuuuuuuse me! Man, she’s more sure of herself than I pretend to be sometimes to get a rise out of people.

The judges love the video. Everyone looked fantastic and got positive reviews except for Bianca, Chantal, and Sarah. Bianca, in exuding her inner bitch, pursed her lips at the camera and made a lot of weird “kissy faces”. It really did not look very good. Don’t force the bitch, B; it just comes naturally for you!

The judges said Chantal looked stiff, although what should she have been doing? She was told to stand there and watch Enrique across the room… maybe she should have added a wall slide and a crawl, now that’s taking direction!

I’m not sure why they didn’t like Sarah, her and Saleisha sat next to each other and had to look at E.I vampirically. Of course they tell her that she didn’t look comfortable with her body and AGAIN bring up that she’s lost weight. You can tell this is getting to Sarah as she tries to come up with something to say, even though there’s NO REASON TO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

You know what this is? This is as far as the “plus sized girl” goes. She was never going to make it to the end, not a chance. And since she did a fine job in the video, they had to come up with another reason to cut her (because, honestly, Ambreal did well and none of the other girls are done just yet). It is such bullshit though because wasn’t Tyra the one that came to visit them last week and discuss positive body images and deciding whether or not to lose weight for a job? Way to stick to your guns. T-Bo, I am liking you less and less each week.

The bottom two end up being Chantal and Sarah and the girl going home is… do I even need to type it? Sarah. I really feel for her as she reacts to the news, she is the most upset of any of the girls to be cut so far. She says her goodbyes and takes off, vowing that the world has not seen the last of her!

And that’s it for this week. Next week’s previews look pretty damn interesting. Apparently Heather goes nutso on all the girls – the vampire and gargoyle business must really be getting to her. What did you guys think? The whole thing made me really angry, from the body issues to realization the girls aren’t even in the real video… what gives?!

In other news; I’ve had “Tired of Being Lonely” stuck in my head since Wednesday. ‘Til next time, watch out for vampires, Gasmii. They look just like normal people, with longer canines.

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