Recap: ANTM: There’s No Crying In Modeling! No Wait! There’s LOTS of Crying in Modeling!

First of all, congrats to Tyra and Tyra for snagging more Emmy nominations than Oprah and Oprah. I know, right? KISS TYRA’s FAT ASS, OPRAH! And second of all, can someone please explain to me the difference between sewing a wig on your head and getting a weave? Because I couldn’t tell on this week’s makeover-a-licious episode of ANTM. This year’s Look is apparently “long, flowing hair,” which means almost everyone gets extensions or a weave of some sort. As in past cycles, the makeovers transform the pretty girls into real models, while the Uggos are now Uggos with nicer hair. It’s all very exciting.

Tyra’s call for forced gratitude went even further as she demanded NO CRYING during the makeovers this year. Would the girls listen or would her cry for maturity go unheeded? I mean, the title of this week’s episode is “The Girl Who Cries All the Time,” so things aren’t looking too bright…We open today’s episode with Diana and Whitney talking about their curves by the pool. They’re both in bikinis because clearly you can only wear bikinis in a HOUSE OF TOP MODEL, but they’re both covered up by towels. Fatty bonding! They can just really relate, you know? I tease, but I imagine it would be really nice to have at least one other girl in the House who’s not deranged by self-induced starvation.

Also, is Diana from the ghetto? Did I miss that part of her life story? What is going on? Where am I?

Cassandra has become the house psychologist. We see her coaching Skelator through some crazy. Cassandra says she knows it’s a competition, but she can still be who she is and be nice to people. What? Now that’s crazy talk.

Jael is carefree and wants to focus on being the best model she can be. Oh, could anything ever possibly spoil her wonderful outlook? Ducky also apparently only goes to readings of TyraMail partially undressed. “PAY ATTENTION TO DUCKY!” her beige bra demands. TyraMail: The girls are getting makeovers tomorrow! Screaming and woo-hooing ensues.

Ducky tells Brittany that she hopes they make Brittany blonde. Brittany says they can do anything and she won’t be upset, which clearly means she is going to be upset.

The girls get to the salon at 6:30am. Yowza. They are greeted by Ms. Jay and Man-Jay. Triple yowza. Jay introduces the girls to Neeko No-Last-Name. Jay says he’s “actually even worked with Tyra since she was seventeen years old.” What kind of sentence is that, Man-Jay?

Tyra then comes out in her pajamas and pretends she has no idea what’s going on, and says that she thought they cancelled this years’ makeovers because in every cycle past, there have been some big babies who don’t like their new hair. It’s a competition full of skinny bitches! Some of them are even pretty! Of course they’re big babies! We are treated to an admittedly hilarious reel of girls crying during the makeover of every season since the show’s inception. Tyra makes the girls beg before telling them of course they’re getting makeovers!

As I said before, the theme of this year’s makeovers is “long and flowing hair,” and Tyra will say that and demonstrate those words with a wild flailing of her arms about 8 times in this next sequence. Ducky is getting looong hair and will become a brunette. Cassandra’s wig is being cut off and she’s getting a big-ass afro weave.

Key example of the Uggo to Uggo With Nice Hair Transformation

Renee is getting her hair chopped off Yoanna style. It’s like a reverse mullet – business in the back, party in the front. Whitney’s weave is coming out and being replaced with a longer weave, for to follow the long and flowing dictum. Diana is going blond with a few weave tracks to make it thicker and longer. Felicia is getting bangs (Totes to cover those beat-up eyebrows.) and – that’s right – a long weave! Dionne’s getting short hair a la Kelis. No more 1 B 30 for you! Sarah’s hair will remain short, but go brown. Jaslene hair will be shortened just a tad (don’t worry, it’ll still be long and flowing). Brittany is getting long, wavy, red hair. Big. WE GET IT TYRA. Natasha is getting a Vidal Sassoon inspired cut that will be blunt and dark. Think Cleopatra.

So that’s all the girls and no one’s even started crying yet! But of course Tyra’s not going to let it go without a big scene. The Jays pretend to cut her hair with hedge clippers and Tyra freaks out, a la all the girls who cried in previous seasons, even using a few direct quotes. It would be kind of funny, except that Tyra Banks is no Gilda Radner. Instead, Tyra just looks INSANE. AS PER USUAL. I mean, she crawls on the floor. Just, no, Tyra. NO.

Makeovers begin! Dying and cutting and sycophanting, oh my! Sarah looooooves her new light brown hair. It brings out her facial features, blah blah blah. I think it makes her transformation into Cynthia Nixon complete. Dionne says she never in a million years would have had her hair cut like this, but she loves it. I don’t know why, but I just believe Dionne when she says it but I think Sarah is an ass-kissing bullshitter. Just a feeling I have.

Skelator looks fiiiiieeeeerce with her new hair, though still, seriously, sandwich. Please someone get her a sandwich. Renee takes her short haircut like a trooper, but I’m starting to wonder if she’s really a man. There’s always one on ANTM.

Sienna Miller as played by a pretty-boy transvestite in the West Village

Ducky promises to make her personality EVEN WILDER to make up for the dowdier hair. God that’s the last thing we need.

Ms. Jay also gets a makeover. Whatever. Ms. Jay’s definitely in the Uggo-to-Uggo-With-Nice-Hair category. Natasha’s hair makes her look like such a RUSSIAN. She says that this just proves that any look can work on her. True dat, Kolya.

Brittany bitches about the pain a little while getting her weave, but gets through it without crying at the salon. And if you watch them doing her hair, they sew some kind of cap to her head and then put tracks on top of that so basically none of her real hair is showing, so please explain how this is different from a wig?

Maddox and Pax Jolie-Pitt-Thorton-Lee-Mathers circa 2027

Poor Ducky, she sat through eight hours of braiding and sewing before Tyra called (From where? Is she watching all of this live from a limo somewhere? I’m confused.) to say she doesn’t think the new look is working. It’s bringing Ducky down, so they’re going to take it all out and cut off all her hair for a Rosemary’s Baby kind of cut. She starts crying, which is understandable. Apparently there was a considerable amount of pain involved and now it was all for naught. Ducky promises she can rock any hair, ’cause she’s a rocker. Yes, but are you a model? Nooot so much.

And with Ducky’s re-makeover, all the girls are transformed. Some girls look more like real models, for example Jaslene, Dionne, and Felicia. Others, not so much, like Diana, Cassandra, and Renee.

The girls have TyraMail when they get back to the house. Tomorrow’s challenge will involve makeup! As the girls get ready for bed, Brittany is crying. Her weave itches and it’s making her head hurt. Diana is having none of this. She says Brittany just wants sympathy from other people and Diana’s had enough already. Whitney, too, has had enough and lays the smack down on Brittany, explaining there are worse things to cry about than hair, like one of your friends getting shot. Or as Jael will demonstrate in just one moment, like one of your friends dying from a drug overdose.

What a segue. It’s now the next day and we see Ducky in the phone room checking her messages. One of her friends left a message to give him a call because her friend passed away. Ducky starts to freak and of course Mother Renee immediately sticks her head in to find out what happened and why Jael’s crying. Go away Mother Renee! Also, why do you have the body of a twelve-year-old boy with scoliosis? Seriously, go away!

Jael gets off the phone with her friend from home and goes outside, followed by a trail of girls trying to figure out what happened. Crying, smoking and consoling platitudes ensue. Ducky is confused and upset, but thinks modeling will be a good distraction from her pain. As with anytime a reality show catches a genuine moment of sorrow and grief on TV, it’s a little uncomfortable to watch, and I’m wondering if it’s really necessary to exploit Ducky’s fragile state of mind.

The next morning the girls pull up at the Descanso Gardens on a beautiful sunny day, which just makes one feel like LIVING. Brittany, however, is not having such a great day. She’s been throwing up and “having digestive issues.” Thank you, Brittany, we are right on the border of TMI. Mother Renee, under the guise of caring, asks Brittany if she’s going to sit out today and rest. She pretends its because she cares, when really you know she just wants Brittany out of the competition. Bitch!

Sarah and Ducky encourage Brittany to push through, while Renee warns her to “think about what [she's] doing.” What, staying in the competition? Of course, now that Brittany has had adequate sympathy doted on her, she believes she can get through today’s challenge.

No Jays of any kind for this challenge! Instead we are greeted by two women – one with a ridiculous title from CoverGirl, the other from Seventeen Magazine. They’re both just here to shill for their respective products, so don’t really care about their names. We’ll just call one CoverGirl and the other, Seventeen.

CoverGirl explains their spring line of colors was inspired by gardens and botanicals, so they are going to have a makeup challenge. Seventeen explains the winner plus two friends will get a spread in the magazine. Oooooooh!

As the girls line up, CoverGirl explains they will have 10 minutes to complete their look. There are five different tables: foundation, eyes, cheeks, lips and nails. Sidenote: Who in the world can do their makeup and nails in ten minutes?? The nail station is just there to get a mini commercial for CoverGirl’s nail polish in. I’m on to your ruse, CoverGirl!

Anyways, back to the show. The girls take off. It’s madness as the girls do their makeup in a ridiculously small time frame and scramble around the garden. During the 10 second warning, Cassandra explains she wanted just a little more eye shadow, and so didn’t head back with the rest of the girls. She races to get back in time, but gets caught in a bush. LOL. Burn! She’s disqualified.

CoverGirl and Seventeen give critiques to the girls who did make it back on time. They range from, “Whitney, are you wearing any makeup?” to “Natasha, you look like a hooker.” (Basically.) The winner is Brittany for blending well and making her chosen colors her own. Good thing she didn’t sit out today! Brittany agrees and picks the two people who encouraged her to participate today: Ducky and Sarah. Ha, in your FACE Mother Renee!

Seventeen explains that the chosen girls are modeling a “hair accessories story,” that showcases “all the hottest trends for Spring.” Could Seventeen be any stiffer? Apparently this shoot took place right after the challenge, because Renee is sitting in the background watching Brittany’s shoot, practically turning green with envy. Renee says she doesn’t think Brittany stands out and that she’s boring. Someone’s jeeeaaaalous!

The girls have TyraMail when they get back to the house reading, “Sundae is not just a day of rest.” The Brain Trust rightly deduces that their next shoot will have something to do with ice cream.

Later that day, Brittany lounges on the upstairs patio, unseen, while below her, Diana and Renee start badmouthing her for crying. Yes, classic Top Model bitchery. LOVE it. When Renee eventually walks by, Brittany tells her that she heard everything she said and she should be more careful when talking about people in a house full of women. Mother Renee comes back saying that she’s been nothing but nice and genuine to her. Uh, what? No you haven’t. You are so busted, admit it!

Renee says it’s not uncommon for girls to gossip about one another so Brittany shouldn’t make her feel bad for doing it. Nice. I mean, everyone’s doing it so it’s okay! Totally reasonable logic. Brittany doesn’t have anything else to say, but Renee’s not done, saying, “For someone who’s twenty-one, you sure do act like you’re still in high school.”

“I’m still kicking your ass in this competition.” Brittany awesomely zings back. Then Renee gives her the finger. Good comeback, Mother Renee!

Jael drinks wine and smokes in the pool, grappling with her friend’s death. Brittany sits with her, consoling her, while Renee and Diana continue to bash her, saying she should just let Jael be. Well maybe Jael wants a friend around, bitches! Not like you’re doing anything to help!

As I have said, I do hate crying whiners, but I don’t know why the girls who are so bothered with Brittany can’t just go in another room when she starts crying. It’s not like she’s any more of an attention whore than anyone else in the house, she just cries while doing it. They’re totes just jealous cause she’s consistently been at the top.

The girls walk onto the set for their next shoot, where Man-Jay explains they will be depicting different types of treats, while posing naked, except for some candy and ice cream. Sticky!

Brittany is not happy to be posing nude, but says she’ll deal. I mean, some people are prudes who don’t want to get naked. I think the best you can ask for is for them to “deal.” Pout pout pout!

Cassandra is up first as “Jelly Beans.” As she poses with the ice cream in her hand, it suddenly hits Brittany that her hand is going to get cold and “not react well.” She expresses this concern to Felicia, who just deadpans, “Yeah, no one’s will.” See? That’s all you have to say to get the crybaby to be quiet.

Dionne’s shoot as a “Candy Cane” goes well and she tells Man-Jay she’s actually more comfortable naked. Man-Jay’s all, thanks TMI. Brittany as a “Banana Split” whines about the cold, but goes on to take amazing pictures, much to Renee’s chagrin.

Diana as “Gummy Bears” is told repeatedly to suck it in. Ol’ Uggo-Face is naturally insecure when naked around stick-figures like Jaslene, and her discomfort definitely reads in her pictures.

Renee’s “Candy Necklace” shoot goes pretty well, and Man-Jay thinks she’s vastly improved. Whitney as a “Chocolate Kiss” has a great pose, but her face needs more grace. Ducky, as birthday cake has great body positioning, but I still don’t think her face looks like a model’s.

Natasha as “Gumballs” totally rocks a Dita-Von-Teese-esque pose in half a gumball machine. Natasha is proud of how well she did, while I’m just missing the days when Natasha dominated the ANTM episodes with her broken English and warped sense of the American Dream. More Ruskie please!

The next day the girls are back at the house, preparing for panel. Cassandra knows there’s a good chance she could go home because she was disqualified from the challenge. None of the girls want to leave (Shocker, I know.)

Panel! Prizes! Judges! This week’s guest judge is Neeko, the hairstylist from their makeovers.

Up first is Jael. The judges think her makeover looks great, and Ducky immediately breaks down, explaining about her friend’s passing. The panel is understanding, and Tyra excuses the crying. The judges find her photo engaging and are impressed she can be naked, but still have intensity in the face. Ducky dedicates the photo to her girlfriend.

Natasha is up next, and the first thing Tyra makes her do is take her hair out of its ponytail. Tyra wants to see the makeover the show gave her. Show your gratitude, Natasha! The judges also don’t like her outfit, which, yes, I agree. She’s in pink satin pants and a black sequined top. Very bridge and tunnel. Natasha looks like a geisha in her picture, and Nigel criticizes her for squinting her eyes. Natasha, however, likes it because it’s so much better than her earlier pictures. Always the optimist. Tyra says that Natasha needs to relax and stop over-thinking things.

Next is Felicia, who Tyra thinks is dressing too “urban.” Tyra thinks if Felicia had worn a white tank top instead of her cropped hoodie, she would look like a model. Felicia’s photo is praised, and Tyra tells her to soak up “fashion” while she has this opportunity.

The judges like Whitney’s body in her photo, but think her head and neck look stiff and uncomfortable. Tyra demonstrates some ways Whitney could have kept the pose, but made it look more graceful.

As Brittany goes before the panel, Nigel compliments the new shade of her hair. Brittany explains that it itches and hurts, so she’s not that happy about it. Tyra can sympathize, saying she knows how painful they can be. The judges think her photo reads fashion and have no negative comments.

The judges immediately criticize Cassandra’s shoes as she walks up to them. They remind her that everything she does should read “fashionable”, and this ensemble does not. You know what else the judges don’t like? Her picture. They are silent as her photo is displayed. Then criticism all around. Burn. Worst of the bunch.

The judges mostly like Renee’s photo, but think her eyes lack some intensity. Tyra shows her patented Fierce Eyesâ„¢.

Dionne’s outfit is torn to pieces before the judges even get to her photo. The picture itself, though, is praised. They love the stretch in her legs and her body language. Plus, she was the only girl to get the whimsy and fun of the shoot.

The panel makes Diana take her hair down so they can see her new blonde color. In her photo, the judges like her face (What??), but think her body looks awkward. Tyra explains how to time sucking-in with the photographer’s snapping of the pictures. Neeko thinks Diana is uncomfortable, and Tyra asks why. “Oh, I don’t know why.” Is Diana’s response. Nice. Just what Tyra wanted to hear. Not. Gotta cry and make some good TV if you want to stay much longer, uggo! Tyra recommends some self-reflection. Heh.

The judges like Sarah’s new hair, but I think she looks like Peter Pan. Her photo is praised and I agree. Her legs look fabulous. She totally looks like some exotic bird and her eyes are amazing.

Last but not least is Jaslene. Nigel thinks she looks the most comfortable in her picture, but the panel doesn’t think she reads model in person. Tyra still thinks Jaslene’s personality is getting lost and would like Jaslene to embrace her “culture.” Tyra explains just as she embraces “hoochie” as her culture, so Jaslene should embrace “Cha cha” as hers. Deep, Tyra.

The panel deliberates. Jael’s picture is the best they’ve seen from her yet. They’re not sure the camera loves Natasha as much as Natasha loves Natasha. Whitney is pretty, but is she a model? Dionne has finally separated herself from the pack. Jaslene is perfect in pictures, but gets lost in person. Sarah’s eyes burn this week while Renee has flilrty eyes with everyone, especially Nigel. Ho! Cassandra has a beautiful personality, but doesn’t look like a model. Brittany is brilliant and ready for Vogue. Diana could be sexier if she worked it and Felicia has watched too many music videos.

11 girls, 10 photos… Brittany (suck it Renee and Uggo Face!) is called first. Jael, Sarah, Dionne, Felicia, Renee, Whitney, Natasha and Jaslene are also safe. That means that Diana and Cassandra are in the bottom. Diana is here because even though she has a pretty face (LOL, Tyra) and voluptuous body, she’s not standing out. Cassandra has a beautiful personality, but takes UGGO photos. So who goes home – beautiful face or beautiful personality? Diana gets the photo so Cassandra, the beautiful soul, is going home.

Everyone starts weeping. Cassandra’s off-ing even gets an “Oh God!” wailed by Jael. See, Tyra, you don’t want a non-crying girl with a beautiful personality, you want a model. Which is fine – it’s what you should want! But stop lying and pretending you’re looking for a good person and just be honest that you want a bitch who makes great TV and takes great photos.

One more uggo fades away. So tell me, what exactly, is Mother Renee’s PROBLEM? Diana’s too. Will Brittany ever get called on her crying by the judges? Anyone want to sign my petition for more Natasha? Who’s your favorite?