Recap: Bears Do Not Make Good Models

Sorry for the delay in this recap, everyone. My DVR chose not to record ANTM last week for NO REASON, which was just wonderful. But I caught the rerun this Sunday evening and here we are! It turns out this episode was well worth the wait as the focus was centered on my favorite Russian and favorite model PERIOD, Natasha. Plus, I figured out who Diana reminds me of. I’ll give you a hint, he’s very devoted to wilderness fire prevention.

According to the previouslies for this week Natasha struggled in her photo shoots, though she was the second one called last week, so I smell misdirection. Renee was a bitch, despite her best efforts, while Dionne was slammed for her lack of style. Nine girls remain, who’s going home tonight? (Or last Wednesday, as it were.)

We open tonight’s episode with Natasha on the phone with her husband. She asks him if he misses or even remembers her and he answers “of course” to both questions. Then he offers to put their baby (WTF where’d that come from??) on the phone. Well why didn’t she tell me earlier so I could put her in the running for sainthood with Mother Renee? But seriously, she doesn’t mention the baby for the rest of the episode – not one “I miss my baby,” or anything, which makes me think they’re actually talking about a cat.

Natasha interviews that she feels lonely in the house, and isn’t bonding with anyone. The show presents Diana and Whitney shit-talking Natasha as Exhibit A. Natasha forgets her troubles as sexytime begins and she purrs on the phone to her husband. But the mood is ruined as she bumps a button on the phone. Rawr.

The next morning Whitney and Diana talk about wanting to lose 10 pounds while Diana chomps on some tuna. Whitney says it helps her to have Diana around because one could get a distorted sense of reality with all the walking stick-figures in the house. Then Diana says she’s going to have to start stealing food. Yes, sounds like they’re really keeping each other sane.

Mmmmm, tuna!

Tyra Mail! “Looking your worst can be the best thing that ever happened to you.” Jael claims she’ll win this one. Yeah, Ducky sure does bring the uggo. Does she remind anyone else of Voldemort? Just a little?

The Classmobile rolls down the freeway as the girls are whisked off to meet the director of Elite Model Management, Kathy Gould. Sarah predictably brown-noses that this is the most exciting thing ever to happen to her because this woman could end up guiding her career. Or not. Standing with her is an Elite model, Claudia Mason. Claudia explains that the girls are here today to learn how to dress like models. After getting her ass chewed out by the panel (her words, not mine) for her style last week Dionne plans to pay close attention to what Cathy and Claudia have to say.

Claudia says that she and Cathy have already picked some samples, so the girls should go get dressed. When they come back out, the girls look so busted you had to know something was up. Claudia asks the girls what they think. Each girl talks about what she likes about her outfit before Cathy reveals the outfits are examples of what not to wear. “Oh snap!” says Dionne and I second it.

When Claudia explains why Natasha should perhaps not wear so much tight clothing (because she looks like a streetwalker,) Natasha comes right back and says that she makes it work and a model should always like what she’s wearing. Claudia and Cathy can’t even respond to this dazzling display of reasoning. Well, it’s what Tyra has been telling the girls for years. Renee is predictably annoyed, saying Natasha should just learn how to take criticism. I really don’t think you can blame Natasha, however, because she is just trying to be a devout Bankable disciple.

Cathy and Claudia make the girls exchange items until they are supposedly in better outfits. I think they still look pretty “jacked up,” to use Dionne’s term. For example Natasha is now in a blue miniskirt and hot pink heels. Still so hooker-ish!

Later that night, seemingly out of nowhere, Mother Renee is perched on Whitney’s bed when she asks Whitney if she thinks there will ever be a plus-sized model on the cover of Vogue, like for realsies. Um, yeah, already happened, her name was Jennifer Hudson. Renee explains that as much as she wants that to happen, she just doesn’t think it ever will. What. A. Ho. She “wants it to happen” my ass.

Whitney thinks she would look fabulous on the cover of Vogue in a size 8-10 and vows that she’ll be there one day, while Renee just comes back “Waitin’ to see it. Waitin’ to see it.” Ugh! Why is she instigating this coversation?? It’s not going to win her points with Tyra.

Later on, Whitney recounts the story to Diana, saying she felt like Renee was trying to say they weren’t real models. Ghetto Diana and her jazz hands are not pleased by Mother Renee’s words. Oooh, shit’s gonna go down!

Or not. When we get back from commercial all seems to be forgotten as the girls wander into a studio where there are two men posing as mannequins. I would say they look ridiculous, but really, considering some of the regulars on this show (ahemManJayandMs.Jayahem), these two guys don’t even approach ridiculous.

Basically

They claim to be identical twins but I don’t think they look that much alike. Also, they look awfully short to be models. Well Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum explain to the girls that for today’s challenge the girls will be broken into three groups of three. They will then have to assemble and dress themselves in their own mannequin display on the platforms provided. That “on the platform” part will prove to be important later. As usual, the challenge is sponsored by a corporation, but I’m not even going to mention the store’s name. Ha!

Dionne, Renee and Sarah are one group and Dionne is not really pleased about that. Natasha, Jael and Whitney form another group, which leaves Diana, Brittany and Jaslene to make up the third threesome. They have 20 minutes starting… now! Madness! Girls grab clothing and argue. Dionne picks the outfits for her team while Sarah works on the display. Jaslene really wants to win a challenge. As time winds down, Sarah is clearly clueless about which outfit was assigned to her.

As the judging begins, Natasha tells Whitney, currently seated on the floor to get on the podium. But Whitney doesn’t heed the Russian words of wisdom and Jael even shushes her. You don’t make friends through shushing, Voldemort.

The tweedle twins judge Sarah, Renee and Dionne first. The display is cluttered, but the judges like that each girl’s outfit compliments her skin and hair coloring. Brittany, Jaslene and Diana are criticized because even though the outfits look great on them individually, they don’t look good together.

And this leaves Jael, Natasha and Whitney’s display, “Aphrodity’s Box [sic].” When the judges comment in the spelling, Natasha explains that “when you name something you can spell it as wrong or as right as you want.” Sarah puts her finger on Natasha’s qualities, calling her “the used car salesman of America’s Next Top Model.” So true!

The Wonder Twins think their display is clean and well put together. Unfortunately, they’re sticklers for rules, and since Whitney is not actually on the podium, this team that would have won is now disqualified. Wah wah. To make matters worse, Whitney would have won the individual challenge. Ice burn!

Instead, Sarah gets the prize – the chance to go over her film with Jay at the next photo shoot and then take an extra 60 frames with his advice. Dionne is piiiiiissed, since she’s the one that picked out the outfit, which is what the twins like so much in the first place. As Sarah rambles in excitement, Dionne, Renee and Whitney seethe.

Whitney acknowledges that she tends to tune Natasha out because she talks a lot. As the challenge wraps up, Natasha shows us that apparently “I told you so” is a big thing in Russia, while Whitney has no recourse.

Back at the house, Whitney, who is not pleased with losing the challenge and being chastised by Natasha, shit-talks her and her sketch marriage some more. But this time, Natasha overhears and tears ensue.

On the phone with her husband, Natasha wonders why the girls are picking on her now. Her husband sounds well meaning, but pretty clueless, and says he thought she was getting along with the other girls. Dude, hello! It’s a house full of girls! They will turn on anyone without reason in a second! It’s what we do.

This is when I start to feel really bad for Natasha, because she asks her husband if he understands how upset she is. She’s not sure if she’s explaining it properly or if he just doesn’t care. He tells her to be tough, but she just cries and wipes her nose on a blanket. Top Model producers MUST know that the phone room is basically the crying room. They should really put a box of tissues in there.

Tyra Mail! “Dude! Where’s my lipstick?” The girls wonder if this means boys will be involved. Um… technically! Natasha explains that since Jay and Tyra told her to get magazines and study poses, that’s what she’s done to try to improve. Apparently they have given up trying to communicate with her. Now that’s just lazy.

As the girls get to their next photo shoot, Man Jay explains that since the girls had to learn about personal style this week, they’re actually going to dress themselves in today’s shoot. At this point I was like, again? This is what they just did! And once again, the outfits most of the girls pick are UG-GO!

Jay has lame lines as he suggests bringing in the accessories: the male models. And hey, while they’re at it, why not switch the clothing so the girls will be dressed as boys and vice versa. That’s right, everyone’s going to be in drag today!

Once again, the make up artists are the starts of today’s episode, as the girls (and guys!) are transformed. Renee explains it best, saying “It’s complete mayhem. I look over and I see a dude, and I look a little closer… and it’s Natasha. And I look to my left and I see this woman, and it’s actually a dude!” She’s confused.

Assigned the “collegiate,” Whitney thinks she has the character down since she goes to Dartmouth. As Jaslene steps on to the set for her “Nautical” shoot, she says she’s totally in characater, and she has to fart. Nice. The camera starts snapping and Jaslene doesn’t let up. She commands the set and even directs the movement a little. Jay is really impressed.

Brittany and her drag queen are an “outdoorsy couple” meaning they “shoot deers,” to put it in Brittany’s words. She too, really steps up and looks amazing in her shoot, even though her partner does steal the spotlight, cracking up everyone on set.

Mother Renee is portraying “glam rock,” which makes her happy because she always wanted to be a rock star. Ah, so that’s why she has no job. She’s an aspiring musician… Explains so much. She looks amazing, though it’s not that surprising since she’s totally a man. It’s all very Victor/Victoria.

Jael is once again typecast, this time as one in the “bohemian couple.” Diana laughs as she watches that “Jael looks like a crack head.” Normally I’d love to disagree with ol’ uggo-face, but what can I say? Jael kind of does look like a crack head.

Dionne and her partner are the “power couple,” too busy even for marriage. Jay is not pleased with the way the shoot goes. He would like to see more interaction between the two of them, but Dionne can’t think of poses beyond “standing tall.”

Sarah is one in a “rocker couple” and she totally looks like my friend Kieran if Kieran wore a lot of eyeliner. Jay would like to see her think less, but she’s over-posing, as usual. She gets her comments from Jay and goes back for another 60 frames. Jay is much happier this time and tells her this may have just saved her in the competition.

Whitney goes into her shoot thinking about proving herself to Renee, but Jay does not like her shots. He would like to see her looking stronger and more masculine. Jay thinks that Whitney is guarded and awkward as soon as she steps onto a set.

Natasha was assigned to be in a “hip hop couple” and has been practicing since she found that out. She goes up to Dionne, asking her to demonstrate a handshake/high five. She also takes it upon her to learn some of the lingo like “What a douche,” and even creates her own grill out of the foil from a packet of gum. From the moment she steps on the set, she’s a total pro and commands the stage. Everyone watches her shoot and they’re completely entertained. She loves the attention and this shoot just demonstrates why she loves modeling – so she can play all these crazy characters she never would be in real life, which sounds like a fun attitude to have towards modeling.

Oh. My. God. Diana comes out with her partner for their “red carpet couple” shoot and I seriously wondered how they got a bear to put on a tuxedo. She didn’t think it would be that hard to pose as a guy, but Jay is not pleased with her poses right off the bat. He says the girl is outshining her, but Diana doesn’t know what he means. Um, it means you’re SUCKING! Pull it together my gentle giant! She’s about the only girl that’s actually taller than her partner, but she’s not coming across as a man.

As she finishes up, Jay asks Diana why she wants to be America’s Next Top Model. Her reply: “Just cause.” Okay. Clearly Diana is going home tonight. She’s had more than once chance to articulate that reason, and even if she thinks it’s BS, she should have come up with something to satisfy Tyra and her minions by now.

Have you ever seen a bear weep? Now I can say I have. Whitney tells her to pull it together, because they do have more pressure as full-figured models and can’t crack or Tyra will think they’re weak.

As the girls arrive home, Trya Mail! awaits. Panel tomorrow! Whitney knows her photo wasn’t the best this week and isn’t looking forward to panel. Diana, similarly, knows she didn’t do well, but doesn’t want to break down in front of the panel because they’ll think she can’t handle the pressure.

The girls arrive in front of the panel. Tyra’s wigline is covered by bangs this week. She’s also dressed in a horrible jumper that totally makes her look like a schoolmarm. This week’s guest judge is Cathy Gould, from Elite Model Management, finally getting that face time.

Up first is Dionne. The judges are so pleased by her appearance in front of them this week. Less is more totally works for her, and I loooove the hair all slicked back like she’s James “Thunder” Early in Dreamgirls. Despite Man Jay’s criticism during the shoot, the judges actually love Dionne’s picture. Dionne comments she learned about being a man from Ms. Jay, and Tyra interjects that that’s funny because drag queens learn about being a woman from herself. Tyra, I know this show is actually your vanity project (or was, until “Tyra” came along.) but sometimes it’s not all about you!

Next is Jaslene. Tyra snarks that the massive belt around Jaslene’s waist looks like a guitar. (Or maybe the belt isn’t that big, but her waist is just so freaking small.) Last week they liked her accessory (a freaking purple turban, no less!) because they thought it gave her character, while this week they tell her to tone it down again. Tyra gives such mixed signals. Twiggy thinks the photo is amazing because Jaslene really “looks like a fella!” Not only that, but a good looking guy, adds Nigel. Tyra likes the effortless quality.

In Whitney’s photo, the judges immediately notice her chest which needed more binding. Nigel, however, likes how masculine her face looks, while Cathy Gould is unimpressed, and thinks she looks uncomfortable. Tyra reads Man Jay’s comments aloud, which state that Whitney was the worst of the day, and needs to let go. Quelle rat!

Tyra once again openly mocks Jael’s way of speaking as she greets the panel. I know I do that every week as well, but I’m not supposed to be making her America’s Next Top Model. If you think she’s so ridiculous, just cut her from the show, Tyra! Everybody cracks up at Jael’s photo, but the judges aren’t buying Jael as a man. Her body language really reads as a woman and Tyra was shocked Jael couldn’t break that… because she’s such a man to begin with. No, she didn’t say that, but it’s totes what she was thinking.

Sarah, as the challenge winner, got extra frames and advice from Man Jay this week. Cut to Dionne looking pretty normal, but I guess the editors are trying to add some tension. Twiggy and Nigel like the photo, but Cathy Gould thinks she looks like a girl.

Renee’s glam rock photo is praised by Nigel. Twiggy likes her nose and jawline from this angle, while Ms. Jay likes her Adam’s apple. See? She’s totally a dude. Tyra likes that Renee knew to clench her jaw, since “male modeling is all about the clenched jaw,” according to Nigel. He would know. Rawr.

Tyra thinks she’s working this shot, but I seriously think she looks like a BEAR! I’m sorry, SO uggo. Yes, she has a nice body, but GOD. That face. Not pretty, and a beard is like the worst thing for it. Twiggy, Ms. Jay and Nigel think she looks dead in the face. Tyra comments that she thinks Diana is resting on pretty. I’m sorry, WHAT pretty? Seriously? Am I missing something??

Tyra proceeds to read Man Jay’s comments about her from the shoot – ho-hum and boring pretty much sum it up – just like she did with Whitney. We knew they were going to pit the fatties against each other in the bottom two eventually, but I didn’t know it would be so soon!

Brittany is asked by Tyra if she made up a name for her outdoorsy guy, and Brittany comes up with “Bob” on the spot. Tyra loves her spontaneity. Yeah, Bob is reeeaaaal creative a name. Good one. After viewing the photo, Twiggy is enamored Brittany’s body positioning and the half-lidded eye. They all laugh at her “girlfriend’s” big hands.

Yeah, this photo rocks. Twiggy comments that Natasha has this great spirit and sense of humor and now Nathasha’s bringing it to her photographs. The judges like her, but Nigel comments that once again, her head is upside-down. As Tyra reads Man Jay’s comments from the shoot, she brings up the fact that Natasha made her own grill for her teeth. Natasha boasts that yes, it was her idea and she made it herself from a packet of gum. Nigel finds that she’s the only person who can boast but still sound charming at the same time.

The judges deliberate. Everyone loves Natasha this week, but note she still can’t take criticism. Jaslene is incredibly photogenic. Dionne looks like a model finally. Ms. Jay loves Brittany and Cathy Gould thinks she could be a model. Twiggy loves Renee’s build, but I think Twiggy just loves men. Cathy sees Sarah’s potential, but doesn’t think she took a great photo this week. Diana has potential, but lacks oomph. Twiggy thinks she’s boring. Twiggy also doesn’t like Whitney, but Tyra wants to cut her a break since she can’t help her breasts. Nigel acknowledges that Jael’s photo is the worst in the bunch, but still thinks she’s improving every week. Cathy Gould has the biggest LOL moment of the episode here, saying, “I’m sorry, but if she walked into an open call, I’d just say next.” HA!

9 girls, 8 photos… the first goes to Natasha! American dream, coming true! Just work had and do as they say in the magazines and you too, may one day be American’s Next Top Model. Dionne, Brittany, Jaslene, Sarah, Renee, and Jael are also safe. So that leaves Diana and Whitney in the bottom. Even though Jael’s picture was awful this week, clearly they had to put Whitney in the bottom two instead for dramatic effect. Gross.

Tyra explains that she’s wanted to have two full figured models on the show for the longest time as the cameras pan over the girls’ stomachs. Finally Tyra’s dream has come true, but Whitney and Diana’s suckitude will ruin that dream now. Diana has the figure and the face (still I say, wtf?) but lacks the passion. Whitney has the confidence in real life, but can’t capture it in a photo.

So who get’s the photo? Whitney! Aw tears! Now Whitney’s going to lose her mind! As she goes to say good bye to the girls, Jael literally throws herself into Diana’s arms. Calm down, Ducky, there’s enough hugs to go around. We also get a shot of lonely Renee not hugging cause she’s a bitch. Ah, good times.

Diana is saddest to leave Whitney, but is glad she can stay to represent for the both of them. No pressure or anything! She vows we’ll see her again. Yeah. Battling forest fires. Hey that’s a valuable career!