Recap: Mommy and Me Modeling

Oh the acting episode. So much fodder for mocking. Where to begin? The girls are visited by two D-list “actors” who give the girls pointers on inhabiting a character. I really don’t know why Tyra still insists on doing an acting episode (I mean, besides the inherent comic potential, but I don’t think that’s what Tyra intended). The only successful actor/model I can think of is Rebecca Romjn, whose latest gig is playing a tranny on Ugly Betty. Not really a stretch.

In other news, this week we might as well have called ANTM The Dionne Show, just for the sheer volume of her one-liners. Girl was always funny, but this week took the cake. It is now clearly established that there are three mothers in the house (Yes, Natasha has a baby and not a cat as previously thought), and when Renee and Dionne get visits from their children thanks to a challenge win, and Natasha doesn’t, things don’t looks so good for our favorite Russian. Seven girls will be wheedled down to six (yay, halfway point!). Who’s going home tonight?Previously, Jael was thrown in the pool, but received no punishment for making a fool of herself at an ANTM party. Nicole Richie was at said party and in true girl fashion, started a she-said, she-said fight between Renee and Jael. Thanks to a talk with Tyra in Oprah mode, Renee finally got the message that yes, everyone hates her. Whitney and Sarah were in the bottom two, but despite this being Whitney’s third or fourth time there, Sarah got the boot.

Necessary.

As the girls ride in the Classmobile back from panel, Whitney says she was surprised she was in the bottom two again that night. See, that just shows she has no idea how to model. Sarah at least knew she had a bad shoot, while Whitney seems stunned by the judges’ criticism. Needless to say, she wants to bring it this week. Eh, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Back at the house, Renee listens to a tape made by her husband telling her how much he and their son miss her. So, is Renee Sally and her husband is Felicity? Or vice versa? Mother Renee puts up new pictures of her son who is SO CUTE considering he’s the spawn of the Devil. Renee’s husband is trying to cheer her up, because she is depressed after learning that everyone else in the house hates her.

She says she had no idea how much everyone disliked her until the whole Nicole Richie incident. Except during the dead model shoot, she clearly knew she was a bitch, so what gives? Liar.

Jaslene, for one, has noticed a change in Renee since their talk with Tyra, while Dionne, knows that Renee has tried being nice before and it didn’t work, so she finds it hard to trust her. Jael even got a written apology from Renee, and puts it up on her Wall o’ Letters-From-Her-Friends, declaring that she loves her friends, meaning Renee is now among them. How magnanimous, Ducky! God, what a giver.

Yeah, looks like she really appreciates the note.

As we see shots of Brittany complaining about her itchy, ratty weave, the ANTM official hairstylist, Christian Marc, is greeted by an ecstatic Natasha at the front door. She’s not getting a ridiculous weave cut off her head, so I don’t know what she’s so happy about. As he works, Whitney laughs at Brittany’s suffering, saying she (Whitney) has had hair weaves since she was twelve and it’s really not that bad. The white, girls, however, are in awe of Christian’s work.

Tyra Mail! “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself.” Natasha reads as if she’s practicing for her CoverGirl commercial, which is appropriate because clearly the girls are going to be acting. Whitney is excited to hear this, since “acting is [her] forte.” Again, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Another funny thing, apparently that one-name model thing isn’t going away, as all the girls now have placquards made out of foam core above their beds with their name and pseudonym. Tyra. Let. It. Go.

In case you forgot.

Aw, official verification that Natasha does indeed have a baby and not a cat! With pictures! What a beautiful baby girl. Natasha loves the competition, but says it’s very hard for her to be away from her baby for so long. Dionne seconds that emotion, saying nothing compares to missing your own child, who is equally as adorable in a photo and over the phone. Fierce competition this year for the cutest spawn of America’s Next Top Model.

The Classmobile takes the girls to their challenge location: an ornately decorated theater. Dionne likens it to the Apollo Theater. All my years in New York and I’ve never been. There, and the top of the Empire State Building.

The girls are greeted in the lobby by Tia Mowry. That had to be an awkward moment when they told Tamara they didn’t want her, too. Like a black 8th and Ocean. I mean, clearly Tia’s here because of her show that is also be on the CW (SYNERGY!), but still, Tamara was at that party last week.

Anyways, Tia is here to show the girls how to embody different characters through voice and movement. Good luck with that. For their first task, the girls must choose a hat and then become whatever character the hat dictates. Absurd.

Natasha goes first in her witch hat and does a great wicked witch, except the look on her face says she knows how ridiculous she sounds. We see little snippets of all the girls, and Tia seems pleased with everyone’s performances.

From Renee’s Oscar-winning portrayal of Laura Ingalls Wilder in The Bitchiest Little House on the Prairie

For the real challenge, the girls have two hours to memorize a script that Tia hands to them. At first I was like, two whole hours to memorize a four-page script? But then I was just glad she didn’t give them like 15 minutes, or whatever tiny time frame they normally allow during challenges.

The girls will be performing three scenes as three different characters – the first one is a melodramatic “Brittany”-type as described by Jael, which, nice, Voldemort. The second is a diva, while the third is a perky model. After a few shots of Jael rolling on the floor like the crack-head she is, we go to commercial. (PS, everyone seen that video of Jael making out with a girl? I was right, she’s totally a lesbian.)

Time to put down the heroin needle, Ducky.

As the girls walk down towards the stage of the theater, they are greeted by Efren Ramirez, or “Pedro” from Napoleon Dynamite, as he is better known. I think Whitney blew her entire chance of winning the challenge when she exclaimed, “Pedro!” as he walked in. I’m sure he just loves being recognized by the character and not himself.

Efren is there today because he is what is known as a “character actor.” He will be the judge and determine the winner. The girl with the most range wins. First we see shots from each of the girl’s “Melodramatic” scenes. Hilariously, Dionne does it with a Jamaican accent, even though she wasn’t planning it and “doesn’t speak Jamaican at all.” For the five millionth time this episode, as Renee does her scene, sad, tinkly music plays in the background. Crying does not equal good acting!

Pedro is impressed by Mother Renee, saying she was fully committed from the start. Natasha is funny, mostly because she doesn’t seem to comprehend what she’s saying. It is Jaslene, however, that can’t remember the lines. Dude! You had two hours!

Pedro also liked Whitney, who he said had a great personality. Jael acts like she’s on crack and the consensus seems to be that she just might be. But in the end there can only be one winner, and Pedro chooses Renee. Boooo!

She’s very excited to have finally won a challenge. She chooses Dionne to share her prize. The show is as shocked as Dionne as we hear a record player scratch. Dionne can’t believe it, but Renee explains that she wants to show Dionne she should give her a second chance.

Screeeeech! “ME?!”

Their prizes? T-shirts, we would be led to believe. Both girls pretend to be really happy about their prizes. Now that’s some acting. The other girls are kind of laughing at them. LOL.

Dionne: “A T-shirt? A T-SHIRT? What you gonna do with a T-SHIRT??”

Back at the house the girls lounge by the pool and all comment on how nice Renee has been the past few days. Mother Renee can’t stop smiling since she won the challenge. Sounds like someone’s bipolar!

Suddenly, Jaslene hears a knock on the front door. Who could it be? Oh it’s the real prize for winning the challenge: A visit from Renee and Dionne’s families!! AWWWW!

Renee is so happy to know her baby, Troy, remembers her. I have a real soft spot for babies, so you’ll have to forgive all my gushing in this section. Dionne’s visitors are her mom, her sister and her baby.

Dionne is happy to see them, but says, “The first thing that came to my mind was ‘what the f–is wrong with my baby’s hair.” Apparently her older sister has all boys and doesn’t know how to do hair on a girl. Dionne says she was pissed, but of course she was glaaaad to see them, and even throws in a smile for good measure.

Now that, folks, is a shit-eating grin.

Dionne’s life hasn’t always been all Smart Water and poses. Her mom ended up in a wheelchair because a man she was helping get off drugs shot her because he was jealous she was marrying someone else. Yikes. Keep her away from Jael!

Renee’s son, Troy, working the runway. (Becasue you can never have enough pictures of babies.)

Renee plays with her baby and is generally elated to see some friendly faces. Dionne fixes her daughter’s hair and talks about how good it feels to be visited by her child, and how it’s really rejuvenated her. Both mothers find it hardest to say goodbye, but feel so happy to have seen their families at all.

Meanwhile, all the adorable babies have made Natasha miss her baby even more. She says in her head she knew Renee and Dionne got to see theirs’ because they won the challenge, but she just can’t deal with her emotions. She cries to her husband over the phone that when she saw the other babies at the house, she came running out expecting to see her baby, but she wasn’t there. Say it with me now: “Awww.”

Tyra Mail! “Are you ready to be spooked by the ghosts of the past?” The other girls try to figure out what that means for their photo shoot, but Natasha doesn’t seem to care. She looks like hell and is still very upset. Apparently she didn’t sleep at all the night before. Okay, now you’re being a little melodramatic and Russian, Kolya.

As they walk onto the set, Man Jay can see immediately that Natasha is not happy. She is unamused and blinks in response. Cold! Man Jay explains that he knows the girls have been learning to portray characters, so he thought there’d be nothing better to do than portray specific “infamous” characters from past cycles. Um, I can think of some better things to do. Like maybe a non-gimmicky shoot in DESIGNER CLOTHING. Payless is sponsoring this one and I see them in Vogue all the time. And by “all the time” I mean in the advertising pages and not in the editorials. Sooo doesn’t count.

Matthew Jordan Smith is the photographer this week, who Man Jay describes as one of Tyra’s favorite photographers. Man Jay, when you give that title to everyone, it loses its significance.

Jaslene is up first, portraying that scene when Bre got her granola bars stolen in Cycle 5. Haha, yeah that was a great freak-out. Okay, and awkward! Bre is there to join in the shoot! She still has a Rudy Huxtable vibe going. The shoot starts off well, and Jaslene shows off her face and the shoes. However, Jay finds Jaslene’s neck positioning is starting to read drag queen-y. I’m just a little worried because she’s veeeery close to pulling a Britney and showing the whole world her hoo-ha.

In hair and makeup, Dionne is telling the hairstylist how she got a visit from her baby. Natasha is still upset and cries to Christian Marc how she feels like the producers didn’t think she missed her baby enough to get a visit. No, I’m sure they knew this would drive the left-out mother crazy, and thought it would make better TV this way. No one is questioning how much she loves her child after this display. As we go to commercial, it looks like Natasha may not be able to go on with the shoot at all. Nooooo! Buck up Nata!

But when we get back, Man Jay gives her a little pep talk and Natasha is back on board. Hurray! For her shoot, Natasha will be Michelle from Cycle 4, who had a flesh-eating bacteria. Ah, skin disease. Good times. Gotta say, Natasha looks much better with the rash than Michelle ever did. But Michelle looks gorgeous these days with brunette hair instead of that horrible ice-blond color Tyra insisted upon. Jay loved that Natasha worked like a professional, despite her dour mood, and really tried to sell the shoes in her picture.

Whitney will portray Shannon and Robin from Cycle 1 who refused to get naked for their photos in Paris. Whitney chuckles at the images of Cycle 1 Jay with his natural brown hair color. Like it better than the current platinum blond. His hair reminds me of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude these days. Shannon is there to join Whitney in the picture. As usual, Whitney is giving one position and expression while Shannon totally steals the show.

Shhh! Don’t tell Lex Luthor!

Jael is up and ready to embrace her next Top Model experience. Ugh, shut up already. Soooo over the Duck. Ha, amazing, she’s portraying that time Rebecca fainted at panel in Cycle 4. It’s the thud as she hits the ground that makes that clip so memorable. LOVE it. Jael’s playing the fainter while Rebecca picks her up. Jael is insane and out of control during the shoot. Man Jay is not impressed.

Brittany is taking her photo with the twins, Michelle and Amanda from Cycle 7. She’ll be the third twin. Really, twins? That’s an infamous moment? I would have preferred to see that scene from Cycle 2 when Shandi told her gay boyfriend she cheated on him and he wailed and called her a “stupid bitch” before hanging up on her and leaving Shandi to sob in the fetal position on a balcony in Milan. Now that was some amazing TV I will never forget.

Renee is shooting with Joanie from Cycle 6 doing that infamous scene where Joanie got all of her teeth ground down to stubs so she could get veneers. That was not so much infamous as DISGUSTING. Ugh, I can’t look at it during the replay. Like, why do I need to see the ROOTS of Joanie’s teeth?? TMI, show! TMI!!! But the new teeth help Joanie and she’s really taking the focus away from Renee. At the last panel the judges told her not to be afraid of being ugly, but Man Jay thinks Renee’s taking it too far.

Ha, Dionne is shooting with Kim from Cycle 5 doing the scene where she makes out with another girl in the Classmobile. Dionne is nervous because she’s “not some fucking LESBO.” Harsh! That is not going to fly with Man Jay. Dionne says “I’ll give her a hug, but that kissing shit… I don’t even kiss my own damn boyfriend!”

What you talkin’ bout, Man Jay?

Dionne is uncomfortable portraying a lesbian at first, but soon surprises herself, “Cause I’m actually enjoying this!” So… she doesn’t like kissing her boyfriend, but she does enjoy kissing Kim. Oh Kim, one more girl down! Dionne and Man Jay end up happy with the results of her shoot and Dionne gets Kim’s number. Not really, but you just know she wanted to. Kim has that effect on straight girls.

Tyra Mail! Panel tomorrow and only 6 girls will continue. Whitney is nervous after being in the bottom for two in a row. Jael doesn’t think the judges “get” her because she’s wild and crazy. Also, ugly and on crack. Jaslene is worried about being one of the girls who started strong but falters at the end, which really seems to be happening to her lately. Clearly Jaslene has been watching past cycles and know the judges’ fickle ways.

Panel time. Tyra looks utterly ridiculous as usual, with a large belt and head scarf. This week’s guest judge is Matthew Jordan-Smith, the photog from their shoot this week.

Whitney is up first and the funeral march plays in the background. No, it doesn’t really, but it might as well have. Tyra says they gave the photos a “comic book look” this week because ANTM “can be comical at times.” Yeah, like at ALL TIMES. Whitney has the same look on her face that she did in last week’s set of four photos. That is not good. And the shoes look terrible. The judges think she looks dead and lacks passion.

Nigel is impressed that Brittany can grab the attention of the viewer, even when flanked by two equally striking models. Her eyes really connect in the close-up. Tyra likes that she matched the awkwardness of the twins. I just wonder why the middle triplet looks a head shorter than the other two.

The judges would like to see her looking softer some time. Tyra thinks she’s just getting weaker instead of stronger with each passing week. Oh, Jaslene totally knows she has fallen out of favor with the judges. That sucks.

The judges really like Natasha’s photo, and think she has become a model. The judges love that when they give her a note, she corrects it the next week. Tyra told Natasha to soften her mouth at panel and we can really see the results. The judges think Natasha has really stepped up her game.

Once again, the judges criticize Dionne’s outfit at panel. Poor girl just doesn’t have style. Dionne tells the judges right off the bat how scared she was of this shoot. Ms. Jay says she was just scurred because she knew she would like it (which was true!). The camera flashes to Jael getting excited. The judges love this photo, and can’t see how uncomfortable Dionne was at all.

Tyra says that while going over Jael’s film, it looked like Jael never fully let go and always read “posed” instead of “faint-y.” Nigel does a hilarious impression of robotic Jael. They are clearly never going to pick her as the winner, I don’t know why they don’t just cut her. She tries to explain what she was doing, but just ends up rambling in her marble-mouthed way. Crack head.

The judges all think Joanie outshines Renee in the picture. Twiggy likes that Renee is ugly, but pretty, but Tyra thinks she needs to pull back the ugly. The judges think Renee’s hair and makeup this week at panel makes her look old. I agree. Renee totally is the new Melrose!

The judges deliberate. Dionne has improved vastly. Renee looks old. Whitney has great personality, but isn’t a model in front of the camera. Jaslene looks like a drag queen. Jael is possibly the least eloquent model ever, and that’s saying something considering there is a contestant for whom English is not her first language. Speak of the devil, Natasha is gorgeous and takes great photos. Brittany stands out in photos and in person.

Seven girls, six photos… The short dress really is not a good look for Tyra anymore. I can KISS HER FAT ASS, but her tiny ankles make her legs look like upside down pyramids. It’s really not flattering, and as a prominent figure in the fashion industry, she should know how to dress to flatter her assets and hide the negatives. All I’m saying. The first picture goes to Dionne! Natasha, Brittany, Renee, and Jaslene are also safe, which leaves Jael and Whitney in the bottom. Jael needs to learn to be eloquent, while Whitney does not take good photos. Not surprisingly, Jael gets the picture, while Whitney is finally going back to DirtMouth. Tyra tells Jael she needs to learn to speak for those appearances on TV shows like Tyra, for instance. Jael replies “I will definitely prove myself to be all that you believe I am.” Um, you’re not getting any clearer, crack head.

Aw, tears for Whitney! Like all the other cut models, Whitney promises this isn’t the last you’ll see of her. She doesn’t know if modeling is the career for her, but with Tyra’s faith, she’s willing to try. Whatever. Bye, loser!

Next week: the girls must interview each other. A speaking challenge! So do you think Jael will finally be cut? I, for one, think Jaslene will be the “shocking” elimination.