Recap: “Nicole Richie said…”

I mean, the title of this recap says it all. This was a glorious, if ridiculous episode. I know people have been griping about the quality of the photo shoots, but honestly, who watches this show for the modeling really? Come on, it’s about skinny bitches making drama and tonight was a spectacularrrr example of that.

This week the girls had to make up one-word nicknames à la Twiggy. Some are clever while others come up with names along the lines of “Wholahay.” You think I’m kidding. At a party filled with honest-to-God celebrities, Nicole Richie wastes no time getting in the middle of the dra-ma and snags just that much more TV time for herself. Also, 50 Cent disappoints THE WORLD when, instead of popping a cap in Jael’s ass for being an annoying shit, he responded by throwing her in the pool (And you say I have no street cred? I mean, I don’t, but where has yours gone, Fitty? [Not that I really wanted him to shoot her. I know some people have gotten touchy.]) And there’s so much more including a verbal smack-down, the entire house ganging-up on Renee, as encouraged to by Tyra, and the return of MELROSE. Like I said, this episode is GOLD.Previously on ANTM: Renee was a bitch (Does anyone else sense a pattern brewing?), Sarah stole a challenge win, and Whitney was in the bottom two with her bestie, Diana. Tonight we’ll go from eight to seven crazies… You wanna be on top?

We open this episode with Whitney. Smokey the Bear’s departure last week left Whitney in shock, but she vows to show the other girls she is a threat to this competition, for her and Diana. Back at the House of Top Model, the girls have TyraMail: “Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?”

Before the girls can try to decipher the clue, Ducky jumps on top of Sarah and generally causes a commotion. Of course, this pisses of Renee, though I must say it looks like quite a few other people are fed up with Jael’s antics. Renee rants about her for a little bit, but quickly moves on to her latest mortal enemy: Sarah. Renee is still pissed about Sarah winning the challenge last week when Sarah didn’t actually pick out her outfit. Whatever, Dionne’s already over it. Time to do the same, Renee.

The next day the girls walk into their challenge. On a large easel, the name “Lesly Hornby” is written out. No one knows who that is, but then Twiggy emerges and the lightbulbs go off. For some. For those that don’t, Twiggy has a handy visual aid:

Thanks for the update, Big Ben

Ooooooh, Lesly Hornby is Twiggy. She tells the story of how she got the name “Twiggy.” Basically, her friend used to call her that because Twiggy had skinny legs. One day as Twiggy was being photographed, the photog overhead the name and said it would be a great name for a model. Three weeks later, Twiggy was a sensation and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a star is born. Also, notice Twiggles didn’t come up with the name herself.

Hey, speaking of creating a name for yourself, there’s a young model here who’s done just that. And who should come strutting out but Cycle Seven mega-bitch, Melrose. The temperature of that room just dropped a good ten degrees. Aaaaah! Melrose and Mother Renee in one room! It’s like a blackhole of crazy bitchery from which no goodness can escape.

Melrose explains the reason behind her name change: Originally it was Melissa Rose and there are a million women named Melissa, so she chose to ditch the “issa” and become Melrose. Gotta admit, it’s a great name for the fashion industry.

Twiggy instructs the girls to find a new name and write it down. Renee has some problems with this because she’s only had mean nicknames. So maybe she should have picked up that everyone HATES HER before now.

Some of the girls end up with fitting names: Sarah goes with her middle name, Moe, which kind of works for her and her Peter Pan-ness. Jaslene and Jael both keep their names, which, yeah, they just would.

Lame: Whitney + Michelle = Whitelle. Way to just copy Melrose. Dionne’s mom once saw a Discovery Channel program about a girl who liked older guys named Wholahay. Oooookaaaaay, Dionne. Renee chose Nayien because its “spelled really cool.” Cool or stupid. Potato, potatoe.

So tonight the girls will go to a party filled with influential people and follow these points of advice: 1) Be eloquent; 2) Don’t monopolize [the conversation]; 3) Humor [Be witty, but not over the top]. And they will do this with their new names. Considering the title of the episode was “The Girl Who Gets Pushed in the Pool,” we knew at this point that the night is going to end awesomely.

In the Classmobile on the way back to the house, everyone is quiet until Renee says aloud, “I can’t wait to have some stimulating conversation.” Dem’s fighting words. Ducky tries to fight her a little before getting fed up and telling her, “Well maybe its because none of us want to talk to you.” Burn! Renee pouts, but I have no pity because she’s bringing it on herself.

TyraMail! warns the girls to be careful of the “funky cold Medina.” Renee thinks it has something to do with transvestites. I don’t think so, simply because they just did transvestites last week.

The Classmobile pulls up to a swank house. There is some brand of water all over the place, but I can’t remember the name of the shameless product placement. Oopsy. The girls start working the party as their super-personae. And hey, there are real celebrities! There’s 50 Cent and Bill Maher! …And there are some not so real celebrities like Tia and Tamara Mowry, and Jason from Laguna Beach… Awwesoooome. Douchebags aplenty! Also present: Benny Medina (aaaah, funky cold MEDINA) who is Tyra’s manager. Clearly since his name was in the clue, he is the man to impress.

Whitney is called before La Medina first. He introduces her to his entourage, including Tyra’s agent, a Hollywood producer (ooooh!), Beverly Johnson (rando), some photographers and an “entrepreneur.” Gotta say, it’s kinda ballsy to go around calling yourself an entrepreneur. Whitney introduces Whitelle to the group. Benny hates the name, as does Whitelle who explains she came up with it in two minutes. Wah, wah, think fast, Dartmouth!

Back outside at the party Jael has decided that 50 Cent would LOVE to become her new best friend. After all, people love her everywhere else she goes, she’s sure 50 will too. Um, she’s wrong. He makes polite small talk at first, but pretty soon he’s ready for her to go. Jael, don’t forget rule #2: Don’t monopolize [the conversation.] All the girls are commenting that Voldemort should lay off 50 Cent and go after the real enemy: Harry Potter and that Weasley boy.

Sarah, a.k.a. Moe, is next to interview for La Medina. She introduces herself as Moe, but is quick to mention that as a photographer she goes by Sarah Vaughn. Definitely a better name than Moe, but I think Sarah is more of a Moe — Sarah Vaughn actually sounds pretty.

Brit is next in front of Medina. She has ruined her weave, to say the least. Between the texture and the color, it bears a strong resemblance to Ronald McDonald. I myself think she looks like Tom Everett Scott. The Medina is not impressed, but I think she is gorgeous, regardless of clown hair.

Freaking uncanny. They’re like separated at birth.

Back at the party, Jael is still bothering 50 Cent. Now Dionne is trying to have a turn wtih him, but Jael keeps sticking her beak in and nosing around. Fuckin’ duck.

Eventually Dionne ends up in front of La Medina. Everyone laughs at the Wholahay moniker, but will definitely remember her. Oh, and who knew she had a kid? After he asks her what the hardest part of the competition was, she says being away from her daughter and here come the waterworks! All are sympathetic, while Dionne is surprised at her own emotions. LOL, Medina gives her a handkerchief, but then warns her not to mess it up, “it’s Hèrmes.” Well a Hèrmes handkerchief is just impractical, now, isn’t it? I WANT ONE!

Once more, when we go back out to the party, Jael is bothering 50 Cent, who dismisses her telling her when he wants to see her again, she’ll see a smoke signal. Heh, too bad it’s an outdoor party and everyone is smoking. The music gets more punk as she gets more and more over-the-top. She keeps pushing his buttons and eventually he snaps and pushes Ducky into a more natural habitat for her: the pool. Jael, the dick, tries to grab Natasha on her way in. Not cool. For those of you that missed this episode, you’ve GOT to catch the replay on Sunday. For those of you that can’t make that, I present a photo essay:

Going…


Going…


Gone!

Some of the girls find this hysterical, which would be my reaction. (In fact, I think at this moment my jaw dropped open and I fell over.) Whitney’s face reads: “Oh it’s all over for her.” So you’d think. Jael really doesn’t know how to take a hint and once again to bothers 50 Cent, and when he pushes her in again, Natasha gets caught and ends up in the pool as well. Jael doesn’t mind that he pushed her into the pool because 50 Cent loves music and “that’s all that really matters to [Jael] in life.” Aaaand, I want to punch her.

Natasha and Jael are the next called into Benny’s sterile cabana. He lays into them, telling them they are supposed to be working this party and not harassing celebrities. It is not appropriate to be thrown in the pool before a meeting with La Medina. He’s pissed and it’s pretty awesome.

And holy shit, there’s Paris and Nicole. Now this party can really get started. Also, the shit can start hitting the fan. Now I know some of you out there are all, “Nicole Ritchie isn’t a real celebrity,” but I have this to say: Yes, she is. She is also talentless and probably doesn’t deserve her fame, but regardless, she’s famous.

Anyways, Nicole Richie is ready to cause DRAma! While talking to Renee, of course the first thing she wants to know is who the bitch is in the house. Um, you’re talking to her. Since Renee isn’t going to say, “It’s me,” she points out Jael, dripping wet and dancing (by herself) across the patio.

Step one, get dirt.

Seemingly immediately following this exchange, Nicole Richie is in the bathroom primping (and boy, could she give lessons in primping,) when she spies Jael kissing Paris’s ass. Nicole is all too happy to hop into that conversation, and like a true Hollywood girl, she spills that one of the other models told her she hates Jael. Ducky assumes Nicole Richie is telling her because she likes Jael more, but we all know Nicole just wants some more time on TV. Jael wants to know who said it, but Nicole Richie only remembers she was blonde. The models all know it must be Renee. Oh, some shit will go down tonight!

Step two, tattle. And… feud on! That Nicole Richie is a pro!

TyraMail! awaits at the house. It’s all about being “two-faced.” Natasha, however, is clearly shit-faced. All this talk of being two-faced has gotten Jael ready to throw down. She says no one is allowed to pull that with her. We get the title of this recap, as Jael starts “Nicole Richie said…” and basically calls Renee out for shit-talking her to Nicole Richie. Renee tries to amend history, saying Nicole asked who the crazy one was in the house, so naturally Renee said “Jael.” OMG, this is just like high school. Well, congrats Nicole Richie, you are the Bitchy Queen Bee of the Top Model House. Quite an accomplishment.

Well Jael doesn’t buy Renee’s BS and calls her a bitch to her face and says, “You’re really beautiful, it’s such a waste that you have no brain.” Whitney’s face is the only thing that can properly convey how truly awesome a zing it was:

Renee just won’t leave it alone, insisting she’s not a mean person, but Jael counters that everyone hates Renee. Mother Renee asks for comment from the group as to the validity of that statement and is met with stony silence. Oooooh, in your FACE, Renee!

A new day dawns in LA. Jael is still pissed at Renee for her shenanigans the night before. But there’s no time for further fighting now, it’s time to load up in the Classmobile and head out to their photoshoot. Man Jay greets the girls and explains today’s concept, taken straight from Tyra’s “Beauty Book,” whatever that is. Today, each girl will come up with four different personalities to depict four different sides of themselves. The girls will direct their own hair and makeup and really guide this shoot.

But first – the challenge winner is announced by Benny Medina via video. It’s Wholahay! Despite the RIDICULOUS name, she stood out as poised and confident and the name did make them remember her. She’s pleased to have won after being robbed the week before. As her prize, Dionne will be featured in a national campaign for Keds, along with two friends, which will run in Seventeen magazine. She pickes Jaslene and Whitney to share the prize, since they would have the most fun all together.

The girls have fifteen minutes to come up with their four personalities. All the girls are a little daunted at the task of coming up with their four sides and guiding their hair and makeup.

Dionne is up first. One of her sides is “Hood” so she can prove to Jay that she can be tough, after she struggled with her “Bad Girl” shot during the High School-themed shoot. Jay thinks Dionne is still afraid to go to the extreme.

Before Jaslene gets on set, Jay explains her to the photographer saying, “You know how in The Jungle Book, he was raised by a pack of wolves? Well, she was raised by a pack of drag queens.” LOL, that explains SO MUCH. “I was.” Admits Jaslene, and fittingly, one of her personalities is “Drag Queen.” However, her others are “Sentimental” (BOOOring!), “Cha Cha Diva” and “Modelesque.” I think only Jaslene can understand the fine line between “Drag Queen” and “Cha Cha Diva.”

Whitney is nervous about today’s shoot, since she got such harsh criticism from Man Jay at panel last week. He’s still not that pleased with her this week, and I have to agree. As much as I think she’s totally awesome as a person, Whitney just does not come across as a model in her photos.

Jael is ready to make some mayhem. As crazy as we imagine she can be, it’s to match for how crazy Jael actually is. Seriously, she looks like the love child of Voldemort and a dragon. She willingly added a rat tail to her hair. VOM. As insane as she is, Jay admits her performance was great – reminiscent of Grace Jones.

Sarah over-thinks, as usual, and everything comes out pose-y. Looks like last week’s exercise went in one ear and out the other. So much for saving her in the competition. I personally think everyone telling her she poses too much has psyched her out and she overthinks even more. Poor girl.

Renee vows to do well, even though Jael has been giving her the evil-eye all day. Jay, however, is unimpressed. She’s beautiful, but always stays at the same level.

As soon as the shoot wraps, Man Jay sends Dionne, Whitney and Jaslene off to their Keds shoot. The girls put on Keds and read Seventeen. Dionne explains that even though she’s never modeled shoes before, she remembered what Benny Ninja taught them in the posing challenge and tried to bring that to this shoot.

Back at the house, it’s time for some Tyra Time. She sits all the girls down and says that she knows it can get stressful at this point in the competition, and she wants to check in on how their doing.

Tyra=Oprah. TOTES, McGOTES.

Tyra plays Oprah to a few girls’ minor complaints before we get to the gold: Renee feels misunderstood by the other girls in the house. Dionne has a nice healthy eyeroll to go with that.

“Buuuuullshiiiiiit”

She explains about her family situation: her husband is homeless and lives on the beach in Hawaii, while her son lives with her husband’s mother. And I know unemployment is a big thing in Hawaii, but I don’t think anyone with that many financial problems should rely on a reality television show to better their situation. Maybe… I don’t know, GET A JOB!

Renee explains that with so many issues, she’s really focused on winning and doesn’t particularly care what the other girls think. Um, except you do. Maybe there’s a way to focus on winning and NOT be a heinous bitch? I mean, the other girls are doing it. A baby is no excuse to be horrible to people you are competing with, sorry.

Tyra decides the best thing to do is have Renee come sit with her so the other girls can go around in a circle and tell Renee what she’s done to offend them so much. Haha, awesome.

“Cry, bitch. CRY!”

The girls’ compaints are all things we already know: Renee is a bitch, probably because she’s fucked-up deep down. Thanks, therapist Jaslene. Renee explains that she’s really sorry, she never meant to hurt the other girls. Everyone she’s ever loved, besides her husband and her son, has hurt her really badly, and it’s all a defense mechanism. Bravo, Tyra, what a breakthrough. With some more pseudo-psychobabble from Tyra, the girls move on.

TyraMail! Panel tomorrow from which only seven girls will return. Whitney and Sarah are worried about going home. Sarah’s mother is incredulous, saying it was one bad shoot, but Sarah knows girls have gone home for less. No one can predict how Tyra’s axe will swing.

Panel! Today’s guest judge is Benny Medina. First up today, Jael. And if you were hoping she would get any sort of recrimination for her behavior at the party, think again. It is not mentioned once, despite the fact that La Medina is sitting right there. Lame!

Everyone loves the photo and are impressed she could portray “Revolutionary” and “Anarchist” differently. That anarchist pic is great, but I think the rest of them are ho-hum. Seriously, with all her type-casting I don’t think she’s been stretched once in this competition. Twiggy agrees with me and would like to see a gentler side of Jael.

Renee’s lame “Nayiem” gets blasted by the judges, who think it is too similar to Cycle 4 winner, Naima. They prefer her other nickname, NeNe, which Tyra has already taken the liberty of changing on her card. The judges all think she did fine, but that she needs to push it some more. She’s so pretty, she can afford to get a little ugly sometimes. Until the week they cut her for an ugly photo. Tyra Banks is a fickle mistress.

Natasha, a.k.a. Nata, is up next. Amazing! Her hands never look cheesey, and each of the looks look different. The judges all see a model before them.

Tyra promises Brit she’ll get a new weave that doesn’t rip her real hair out of her head. A noble goal. The judges love the goofy quality in all her pictures, and I think her personality is accurately represented. They liken her to Lucille Ball.

Whitney, however, does not fare as well. The judges hate “Whitelle.” Nigel snarks that it sounds like a department store. The judges hate her hands, and yeah, compared to Natasha’s arms, Whitney does look pretty amateurish.

The judges are glad Jaslene kept her name, but think all her shots look too similar. Even though they’re all beautiful shots, they all look alike and the “Sentimental” shot doesn’t look sentimental at all.

The judges don’t like how whenever Sarah presents herself as Moe, saying she says it in such a way that immediately whoever she is greeting writes the name off as ridiculous. She needs to own it more. Nigel thinks her photos look fake and not one looks natural. Even though she’s conveying the emotion and it’s technically good modeling, they look cheesy and staged.

Tyra then shows what happens to girls who pick ridiculous names. Despite Dionne winning the challenge with it, Tyra has decided “Wholahay” is out and “Brown” is in. Yeah. She’s renaming Dionne BROWN. Much better. Tyra, can I get a little of whatever you are smoking? Tyra reads Jay’s comment that Dionne always does well, but needs to now take it to the next level. God, they say that so often, I don’t even know what that means anymore.

Now the judges deliberate in private. Natasha nailed all four photos. Jael is tough, but they think they’re her best shots yet. Renee in not entirely convincing in her pictures. Brittany has horrible hair, but really got the point of this shoot. Twiggy hates Whitney and so does Benny. Jaslene fell flat this week. Sarah looks too staged, as she has the whole time. Dionne styled herself well and La Medina loves her.

Eight girls stand before Tyra, but there are only seven photos… First name is Jael. BARF! So no criticism at all for her behavior at the party? Apparently this was a week when the challenge didn’t matter, huh? Natasha, Dionne, Brittany, Renee, and Jaslene are safe as well. That means Sarah and Whitney (ooh, two in a row!) are in the bottom. Both girls are crying already. Sarah’s photos are too posed and textbook. Can she ever get past her photography background and become a model? Whitney is still not taking great pictures. But, unfortunately for Sarah, Tyra’s not getting rid of the remaining plus-sized model just yet, and Whitney stays to compete for another week.

Sarah is devastated and should have worn waterproof mascara. She’s really disappointed, but feels like she’s grown as a person. Whatever, you were boring. Bye, loser! And so another girl fades away…

All in all, a very strong episode (minus the photo shoot.) Anyone think Renee will be any less of a bitch next week? What ridiculous “seven” theme are they going to use? And just how will Tyra cover her wig line at panel? I’ll see you next week to find out!