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Well Gasmii, any episode would be lackluster compared to last week’s Italian Cover Girl Commercial Disaster, but I thought this week’s episode was especially snoozerific. I wasn’t thrilled, but clearly, I was having a better go at it than Mr. Jay was…
“You girls are making my botox bill go through the roof!”
The girls arrive back at the glampartment after last weeks panel. Whitney explains that when she’s anxious, that nervousness masquerades as fakeness. Fatima raves about her own work on the commercial and how she’s clearly done the most awesome job out of anyone. When Dominique asks Fatima who her biggest competition is, she waits a beat before saying “I have no competition.” Kat thinks everyone is neck and neck, so she’s going to continue working on being more personable.
Kat goes back to sleep while the rest of the girls gossip. Fatima thinks that a lot of the panel’s criticism is dead on (well, let’s hope so) – specifically when they attack Kat for not having a personality. Whitney cackles in agreement. Apparently Fatima forgets that Kat’s even there a lot of the time and thinks that she should stick her dull-self behind a desk and “do numbers.”
Ooooo, more Mona Tyra Mail! Something about fighting for the masses to pose for the classes. “What does it meeeean?” Anya squeals, shortly before her voice escalates to a tone that only dogs can hear.
The girls head out early on a rainy morning and arrive at some ruins where they find two gladiators “killing each other,” according to Whit. The Italians must not have the same pool of extras to draw from for their scenes, because Mamma Mia, check out this Roman Warrior.
Sloppy Joe, Slop, Sloppy Joe!
After more battle reenactments (which the lunchlady won, obviously), Alex Mariotti, battle instructor extraordinaire, appears to tell the girls that they’ll be learning some fighting techniques. Before we go any further, I would like someone to tell me how I can get the job title of “Battle Instructor” because I’m pretty sure that wasn’t listed as one of the majors I could choose from in college when it damn well should have been.
The girls get some cardboard swords and Alex teaches them lots of important things like how to take off someone’s head and finish them off in the stomach. Fatima is very confused because apparently, Alex will teach the girls one step and then add another. After that, he would – get this – add yet another step! Well color Fatima befuddled. Kat waxes poetic over the difficulties of acting like she’s in combat while acting modelesque.
The girls pair up to play fight against each other – Fatima vs. Dominique, Anya vs. Kat, and Whitney vs. Alex. Dominique and Fatima apparently have all sorts of pent up aggression towards one another. Did I miss something where these two had a tiff? Other than fighting it out to see who can be a bigger bitcherina to more of the roommates?
Enough practice already! Alex sends the girls away to get changed into costume. They come back in apparently what is Roman warrior chic which is a combo of metal bikinis and grungy looking cape blankets.
Yeah, I’d be unhappy, too.
Surprise! It’s the Jays who are there to announce a photo shoot challenge. See, Mr. Jay in particular has been having issues with how the girls don’t take instruction very well. So he’s here to test how well the girls took instruction from Alex. But the girls can’t fight alone, so they bring in a formidable gladiator to pose with them. Each girl only gets five frames to get a good shot.
Anya volunteers to go first and thinks she has the shoot in the bag. Even though she comes off as quite daft sometimes, she’s apparently been taking pretty good notes and even utilizes Tyra’s “pain equals beauty” in the form of “fierce move but model pose.” Brava, Anya! It’s tough to tell how Kat does but she interviews that she’s trying to be more lively in front of the camera to impress the judges. Whitney thinks the challenge is a piece of cake and the Jays marvel at how she always keeps her body open. Even Dominique fesses up that Whitney did a good job. Fatima’s the only girl who is scared by the gladiator despite the fact that no one is actually fighting with him. Apparently, she’s so blinded by her terror that she forgets everything Alex taught her. The Jays are not pleased and tell her that she needs to open herself up to the camera. As usual, Fatima doesn’t listen to any instruction that she’s given. She’s also making those ridiculous growling faces that she made at the meat shoot. Ughhhh why can’t the panel see that she’s so limited in her facial poses? She can’t convey any emotion whatsoever beyond “pensive model.” Dominique – of course – has to stand out and does all sorts of funky yoga-like poses. She looks lame and Whitney calls her a gladiatrix. Ha! Love it.
Critique time. It’s like a mini-panel smack in the middle of an old stadium.
Anya learned the poses from Alex really well and Mizz Jay commends her for taking instruction well.
Katarzyna had a weak stance and a snarl on her face. Tsk tsk, girl.
Whit overcame her ridiculous headband and opened herself up to the camera well. Both Jays feel that Whit is comfortable in her body and it shows.
Fatima’s body blocked the camera in a bad way and the Jays do a funny huddle to imitate.
According to Mr. Jay, Dominique had a pretty face but didn’t take into account any of the fighting techniques at all. Jay thinks it might have been her best shoot to date, but since it wasn’t what was asked of her she gets a big fat FAIL.
Well, Jay announces that the challenge winner will get 1000 euros (a bit over $1500) to shop with and will have the option of keeping the money all by herself or picking a friend and splitting the winnings. And yay, Whit wins! She decides to take Anya despite the fact that Whitney pouted every time Anya won a challenge. The girls hit an open air market and came home with bags upon bags of goodies. Yep, I’m officially jealous.
Mona Tyra Mail gives the most generic clue yet. “By now, your inexperience should be a thing of the past.” The next day they arrive at the Castello di Torre where they’ll have their shoot. All the models are like “Oooo! Castle! I’ve never been to a castle!” but to me it seems eh. A few stories high and built on a hill. Truth be told, Italy’s not the place you come if you want Cinderella style castles. This castello looks more like a fancy old villa.
Anywho, Jay prattles on about how the castle is 600 years old and Renaissance and blah blah. I guess the theme of this shoot will be a modern interpretation of the Renaissance. Apparently, that means that the girls will wear crazy frizzy wigs that make them look like whacked out mops. While the makeup artists and stylists are getting the models all dolled up, Tyra sneaks through the door and surprises the girls. She’ll be photographing today’s shoot. So, basically, she’ll be using this week as an excuse to look for more material to support the preconceived notions she has about each girl. In shorthand, this week’s panel will equal a Tyra dictatorship.
Tyra gets all “Girrrrrl mama will be taking your pictures! Ooo! Who’s ready for mama! Come to mama! Mama like!” and so on. She asks for a volunteer and all of the girls are equally frightened, so Tyra picks on Kat. Oh, also, I’m pretty sure six-year-old Hoolia could have done a better job styling this shoot.
Picture a lot more pink, a lot less fur, but just as many necklaces.
Kat wisely asks Tyra if she has a specific vision in mind for the shoot. Tyra says, and I quote, “Exaggeration. Exaggeration of an Italian Renaissance woman that went to the club up on Sunset Boulevard. You got it?” Oh, Tyra. Please market your crazy pills. I’m fairly certain that they would be the next big club drug.
Tyra Jamaican-accent directs and does some ballerina twirls and somehow Kat is supposed to be taking serious direction from this display. Here’s what she comes up with.
Oh Kat, didn’t you learn from Fatima’s “I’m a little teapot” mishap a few weeks ago?
Tyra tells Kat to stop walking like an Egyptian. Jay thinks that Kat’s uncomfortable and doesn’t know where to place her hands. Dominique’s up next and Jay warns her not to come off as too Cruella deVille. Wow, they made the joke for me. Squint your eyes and the geometric print black and white dress looks just like it is made from Dalmatian puppies. Dominique’s feeling the pressure because she admits that she looked like a moron in the Cover Girl commercial shoot. Much to my dismay, Tyra and Jay think Dominique rocked the shoot and Tyra even hugs her. Dominique jumps around backstage and the other girls are noticeably irritated. I can’t even bother to be annoyed because I’m too frightened by Dominique’s ginormous feet. Seriously, do we need any more proof that she’s a man?
Holy pigeon toes!
Oh wait. She keeps talking. And now I can refocus on my irritation. I’ve gotta go to the quote on this one: “Tyra took my pictures! I mean this is a slap in the face to everyone else in America! Nobody else can say that Tyra took their pictures! But Tyra took my pictures! Tyra loves me!” Gah, the ego. Question: Are we absolutely positive that Dominique knows that she is on the TENTH season of this show and not the first? Between these comments and the comment from earlier in the season about her being the best bottom two ever because she got to stay another week just like every other contestant in the show’s history… I’m not so sure. Fatima’s not concerned about Dominique’s showy behavior because, quite simply, the girl doesn’t look like a model. I’m praying to Tyra that the panel somehow sees this because if Dominique manages to win the competition, I might lose all faith in reality television. Yeah, I said it.
Jay tells Fatima he’s giving her a time limit for her shoot because he doesn’t want her to overthink it or to get stuck like she did at the challenge. Fatima owns her shoot and Jay apologizes for being skeptical. Tyra dubs Fatima “fiiiiiierce!” complete with finger wag. Whitney struggles a bit with her shoot because all of her poses focus too much on her T and A, which apparently distracts from the exaggerated-renaissance-street-hooker-artiness of the shoot. According to Tyra, Whitney couldn’t strike the right balance of fashion and sex and got stuck in her shoot. Can someone please give Tyra and Jay a synonym for “stuck”? Anya’s last up and manages to find her angles and pleases Tyra. Tyra and Jay celebrate that the shoot is over.
“Can you believe she bought the whole gay thing? Who’s laughing now??”
Tyra welcomes everyone to panel with a, “Bon soir.” Say whaaaa? Everyone awkwardly giggles as Tyra brags that sometimes the life of an ex-top-model is so jetset that she’s not even sure what country she’s in. Oh, shove it Tyra, I’ve done four countries with four languages in four days and I’m certain that my net worth is probably less than what you make in a morning. I would say that you should think of a more creative way to act superior to the rest of us peons, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out on your own in a minute and a half or so.
Paulina thinks it’s a lovely photograph. Mizz Jay thinks it’s Italian Vogue material. “Gosh, Jay, Thank you!” Tyra feigns shock and hoards all the attention. Nigel thinks it’s stunning and Tyra barges in again to accept the thanks. Hey Tyra, let’s talk about Anya for a moment! Nigel thinks that Anya’s confident expression is exactly where she should be at this point in the competition. Tyra thinks that Anya did a great job because she didn’t need that much direction. Anya starts to respond by explaining how nervous she was, but Tyra swoops in again with a “I was so nervous too!” More ego-petting for Tyra before we can move on.
Nigel loves Fatima’s shot because, for once, she doesn’t look like Iman. Mizz Jay recycles a description from an earlier episode, telling Fatima he loves her “busted broken down waistline.” Tyra says Fatima acted like a ballerina (not a bitcherina) at the shoot. Paulina explains that her highest compliment is when she’s jealous of a shot and admits that she wishes that this photo was one of hers. Even Hoolia grudgingly agrees that this is a pretty darn good shot.
Before we even get a glimpse of Dominique’s best shot, Tyra slams Dominique for her red tone-on-tone outfit saying that Dominique looks like a hostess at a really casual restaurant. Nigel thinks it’s the best shot of Dominique and the best shot he’s seen so far that day. Paulina thinks Dom’s face looks gorgeous. Tyra thinks it’s an amazing shot which surprised her since she expected Dominique to bite it.
Nigel likes a lot of the aspects of the shot but doesn’t think Kat is punching through. Mizz Jay thinks the shot had a lot of potential but something’s missing. Paulina figures that the problem is Kat’s sleepy-looking face. Tyra tells her she needs to push harder.
Mizz Jay thinks it’s a great picture but he expected a whole lot more. Paulina thinks that Whit’s eyes look like they’re about to roll back into her head. Nigel feels that the pose is a bit obvious. Paulina gives lessons on how to turn your face to the light while looking to the side. Tyra finds Whit beautiful in real life but thinks she gets stuck on the shoots.
After some deliberation, Tyra calls the girls: Fatima, Dominique and Anya. Yet again, Whitney’s in the bottom two and Kat joins her this week. This elimination is especially hard on Tyra because she’s the one that photographed both girls. Uh huh, right. The judges think Kat is beautiful but that she’s coasting along with “great” and can’t kick it up a notch to “amazing.” Whitney’s stunning in person and while she’s taking great pictures, she’s not coming off as stunning as she does in person because she gets stuck on her shoots. Whitney stays and Tyra sends Kat off with a hug and a pat on the back.
Well, kids, what do we think? Did Kat deserve to get the axe for her shoot or was Tyra offing her because Kat corrected her last week? In the battle of the egos, would Dominique or Fatima prevail? Did you take a shot every time a model got criticized for being “stuck”?Is there anyone you’re really pulling for to pull out the win or are you mostly indifferent? I’d still love for Whit to win but I’m becoming more and more convinced that Anya’s the most well rounded and is clearly the sweetest and most humble of any of the remaining girls. Only two more weeks to go!
Finally – I try my hardest every week to respond to the comments but I know I fell short last week. I love to hear what y’all have to say and am making it a personal goal this week to respond to every single one, so chitchat your little hearts out! Baci!
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20 Comments
LOL. Thanks Hoolia I laughed my ass off.
I really hoped you would catch Tyra’s accepting all those compliments that were for Anya and you did. I laughed SO hard when I watched that. She’s so ridiculous, there really are no words!
I missed the opportunity to turn this into a drinking game using “stuck.” But the CW is about to rerun the show in 20 minutes, so I will correct that oversight immediately.
Is anyone else still uncomfortable with how thin some of these girls are? I know Fatima said she is a refugee…but she looks fresh out of a concentration camp. I prefer Whitney if for no other reason than she looks healthy.
And now…I drink.
Fatima is definately too thin. I think Anya and Dominique are fine. Whitney is “healthy”, sure, but not anymore than the other girls.
Funny, Hoolia… And don’t despair, they’re just keeping Dominique around so that they can drum up the Farmer Wants a Wife bitcherinas by comparing them to her. She’s not long for this competition. Someone already said “not fresh” about her, “too old-looking” can’t be far behind, can it? Come on, you all know that’s the real reason they booted Claire.
Tyra for me finally went from insane attention-whoring to just plain insane in this episode. Now the more “modeling with your eyes” advice she gives, the more I’ll just flash to the end of Sunset Boulevard and Norma Desmond’s insane mugging for the camera… Really, is there any difference?
And did they have to name this episode “We are Spartans”? Shouldn’t they be in Greece for that? I guess geographic differentiation of other countries is not a big thing in the U.S. (says a Spaniard who keeps getting asked if we drive from Seattle when we go visit my family.) Having grown up reading Asterix comics, I say they should just have gone with “Hail Caesar, those about to die salute you”. And then feed the eliminated one to the lions. Or let Nigel say at the beginning of panel “At my signal, unleash hell!” And then they unleash Tyra, who proceeds to give a demonstration of how to pose as if you’re burning in hell, but make it fashion.
I thought Anya’s photo worked for me this week because they gave her eyebrows. They gave her such light eyebrows in the makeover, usually all I see is her nose. And I realized that, in her makeover, they should have given Dominique a platinum bouffant and heavy eyeliner, so she would still be a bitch, but at least she could be channeling Monica Vitti, Anita Ekberg and Virna Lisi in honor of the Rome trip, no?
OK, last point, I swear. I don’t really care who wins this year. I don’t think it’s Whitney’s fault that they gave her such a trashy makeover, I can’t help thinking I would like her so much more, fake and all, if she was still a brunette. Fatima talks too big for her skinny britches. Dominique will be a drag queen icon some day, or the mother who forces her daughter to audition for ANTM cycle 37(when Tyra will be demonstrating how to make incontinence “modelesque”.) And Anya is a nice girl, good model, but for all that’s holy, could they at least dub her “My life as a Cover Girl” ads if she wins? Haven’t we suffered enough with Jaslene’s and Saleisha’s?
this is in response to say huh, oh my, you had me rolling, your comments were so spot on, ha, and I agree this year’s make overs were horrible, fatima’s long hair, monique’s horrible cut and even whitney’s
Kat’s boring. I’m glad she’s gone.
Anya’s boring (but nice). She looks much better without the brunette roots (did someone give her a color touch-up between this week and last week?). I still hate Whitney, but she was much nicer in this episode. Humble becomes her. The blonde weave does nothing for her. She should’ve stayed a brunette. Maybe SHE should’ve received Kat’s bob haircut. Dominique’s face looks so much better in pictures, but she’s the next one to go. Her sense of fashion is horrendous, and the panel knows how you present yourself at go-sees is very important to getting booked. Who’s last? Fatima. Tyra’s favorite = eventual winner. Her face is her golden ticket.
I agree with the person upthread who said these girls (with exception of Whitney and Dominique) are way too thin. They look sickly. Dominique may strike most people as a drag queen but she has the nicest shape of the remaining women to me. Whitney doesn’t have a “banging body” (to quote Tyra) to me. She’s all hips, no ass.
Hilarious how Tyra kept intercepting the compliments at panel before they reached the girls. Oh Tyra’s ego. What would this show be without you?
Btw, I just saw Claire with her hubby and cute baby in a commercial for the 30 seconds for Barack Obama contest explaining why she’s supporting Barack. Well, that makes her more likable to me now.
Sayhuh’s comments also had me laughing – spot on.
I do think that the girls are too thin – except Whitney and Dominique. Their legs look like they might snap off at any moment.
I thought the photo shoot was really idiotic. How are you supposed to channel an Italian Renaissance woman if you know nothing ABOUT Italy or the Renaissance? I thought most of them looked like they were floundering.
Also, Dominique looked like a poodle.
And, Paulina slammed Whitney for looking at the light, but Tyra TOLD her to! She was doing it, then she stopped and Tyra said “Look at the light again”. And then she fails to mention that in panel. Ugh. I CANNOT stand that woman.
I am rooting for an Anya or Whitney win. Dominique is hideous, Fatima is the same and her ego is way too much. But Whitney won’t win. Anya seems to be the nicest and the most humble AND the most consistent, but I shudder to think what her commercials will be like. And she needs to dye her eyebrows darker – permanently.
shia0bundan – Seriously, where does Tyra get off? Her whole “Aw, gosh, you mean little ole me?” fake-humble act was just ridiculous beyond belief. Anya was so gracious about Tyra stealing her thunder, too!
cattyfan – Hope you got good and drunk on your second go round. And yes, Fatima especially looks way too thin to me. She hits certain angles where she looks sickly.
sayhuh – I miss brunette Whit, too. I think it defines her eyes more and she looks smarter and more mature that way (says the blonde). Also looks like the producers need a geography lesson because yes, the Spartans have zilch to do with Rome. Good catch. Some Europeans are the same way too when it comes to American geography – my personal favorite being when a Brit tried to persuade me that Chicago used to be a leading city for ship-building despite the fact that it’s smack in the middle of our country.
nflow – I actually think Fatima’s long hair is a huge improvement on the flameball she was sporting before. However, Dominique’s is one of the least appealing makeovers in the show’s history.
blahblah – While I’m secretly hoping that you’re wrong about Fatima winning it all, I fear you might be right. I really hope the fact that she consistently ignores any direction she is given is going to come back and bite her. It looks like Nigel gets frustrated with the girls at next week’s shoot and I wouldn’t be surprised if Fatima completely ignores his suggestions. Then, Nigel could slam her on it in panel and all would be right with the world.
georgiababe – Agreed about Anya’s eyebrows. I saw her 7up ad in last week’s People and whoever retouched it balanced out the color in her skin/hair so she doesn’t look albino at all – she actually looks very attractive!
Actually, Chicago really was a hub of ship building in the late 1800s- 1940s,after the discovery of iron ore in MI. Those Great Lakes are pretty big! (My browser is giving me trouble with this site so forgive the formatting)This is the least attractive bunch of’ models’ yet!
Still hoping Anya wins, but I think it’s going to go to Fatima. Her whole background makes for an interesting story, and you know Tyra loves that shit. “ANTM is a refugee who suffered through genital mutilation”. I’m not knocking what she went through, it’s horrendous, just saying those assholes in Hollywood always go for those things.
coletecapricious – Really? No way! We later determined that he was thinking of Boston when he was like “You know, the place where they had the whole tea party thing!” At least he knew enough that it wasn’t an actual tea party.
pixi-stix – I think it will be Anya and Fatima in the final two and it would be really unfortunate if Fatima pulled it out simply because she has a good cause. I’m still really surprised that most of the judges (Nigel expected) are praising her for looking like Iman instead of wanting a model with a more unique look.
Hoolia…what a great game!!! I got my husband to play along because I hate to drink alone.
Can’t wait for your next recap…and for Dominique (The Gladiatrix) to go home.
Cheers
Hoolia – I looooove your recaps! I wait breathlessly for them after every show. Thanks for all the hilarity.
Tyra surpassed herself with ego antics this week and showing off with all her ridiculous accents and alternate languages was just too much!
May she and Dominique burn in top model hell for all eternity after this season.
Anya looks to be a favorite but can she really pull off Cover Girl commercials with that “accent”? After all, it’s ultimately the cover girl commercials that these girls will have to pull off. It’s bad enough we had to tough out Jaslene’s butchering accent and Salesha’s slurrings. Please no Anya squeakings. My bet is on Whitney – it’s time for a plus size to take the top prize and she’s definitiley the most well-spoken of the remaining photogenic contestants….
For me, I can’t believe in panel they said they would never book Gladiatrix, but somehow she’s in the top 4!? They are looking for a top cover girl, not model, and I do think, for those final tests, it may indeed be Fatima with the winning smile to push mascara . . . She’s thin, in response to above, but no one was as bad as Jalene, in fact, with ten pounds on her, Jaslene might have been really, really attractive, but that boney frame was too distracting!
Watching Dom pull off a shoot is so interesting. I thought both Fat and Whit had better shots than the one’s they picked, the makeup on Whit was very striking!
Anyhoo, pretty ho hum, I’m not too interested in who wins, but I’m okay with Kat being gone, she was forgetable and dull the whole time, for reals, but we all know it was correcting Tyra that sent her to the curb. didn’t Tyra still pronounce it wrong too . . . anyone!?
I totally agree that Fatima is WAY too thin. I can’t stand looking at her, she’s so thin. And I think that the long hair just makes her look even thinner. It makes her look mousy, I think. I think it’s just too much hair for her.
It’s totally true about Tyra telling Whit to look at the light! That was totally unfair. I don’t remember this much bitch coming out in her in previous seasons. Have I just been asleep this whole time, or is she really that much worse this time around? I’m tired of her judging them all based on different things. I don’t remember Dom doing that many really exaggerated poses during her shoot, but she had Kat bending over backwards for her. Not Fair. I agree that Kat is boring, but come on. I’d take her a million times over Dom or Fatima.
And I thought it was ridiculous that Tyra even pronounced Kat’s name wrong in the promo for it! I mean come on, she does the voice over work months after they actually shoot this stuff, and she still can’t get it right? Ridiculous.
I REALLY hope that Dom or Fatima don’t win, but I have the feeling one of them will. It was bad enough seeing Jaslene win. If Dom wins, I really don’t know if I’ll watch this show anymore. It would just be so wrong!
I sort of agree with the weight issue: Fatima is way to thin. Anya is very skinny as well. Whitney seems a very average size. But! I happen to be fairly thin, and am absolutely offended by Whitney’s comments about how all women that are not her size are anorexic. And how she must work TWICE as hard as all the other girls. Funny, I haven’t seen her work twice as hard. Eat twice as much, perhaps.
Great recap. As an art historian who looooves Italy and the Italian Renaissance, I was totally excited when Mr. Jay said something about Renaissance frescoes…I thought maybe they would be like, recreating or readapting famous works of art from the period. But then it was all WTF???
I’ll bet Whitney goes home next episode
Wow!! Jay is scary!!! I love your commentary too!! You sum things up so nicely.
You know the rumors going around that Tyra doesn’t want to do the show anymore and her and Mr. Jay aren’t getting along anymore? I thought maybe in this episode it showed when they were filming their “confessional” together. I could be over thinking it though.
love the recap!!! i loved kat-i was sorry to see her go-i think they never let us get to know her-and she wasn’t evil like some of the others….shame