America’s Next Top Model: They’re baaaaack!

***Note from the Editor: Please welcome the newest member to the TVgasm family (and one of your pics from this Fall’s Auditiongasm), HOOLIA!! HOLLA, HOOL!

Well Gasmii, the task has fallen on me to recap Cycle 10 of America’s Next Top Model and I couldn’t be more excited. Many of you probably think the show is post-peak, but Tyra’s assembled a little montage to remind us of the awesomeness of the last nine seasons: nine catfights, eight tearful makeovers, seven stressful medical emergencies, six scary runway spills, five fierce plus-size models, four high-flying photo shoots, three critter-encounters, and two amazing Jays… but there can only be ONE America’s Next Top Model. Here’s hoping that this season is more eventful then the last few. Let’s cut to the chase! Do you wanna be on top?

“Don’t be ridiculous! Who wouldn’t want to be on top? I always do!”

We open with a shot of the ANTM hopefuls, riding in style… on a big yellow school bus. They arrive at a stately building and gather in a courtyard where they are greeted by… Mr. and Ms. Jay! Most of the girls are in hysterics, shrieking and nearly fainting and the whole nine yards. What do you guys think the producers use to get them all hopped up like this? Because there’s no way that this surprise is genuine. Mr. Jay lets them know that they are at Top Model Prep and that school is now in session!

Time to meet some of the girls. Shaya’s excited about Top Model Prep because she likes to create beauty, because she is beautiful. Amy is weird, but in a positive way. Katarzyna thinks she’s better than the competition because she went to Cornell. (Ever heard of it?) Marvita, a Cycle 9 reject, has been going therapy to work on her issues. Claire is maybe a man. Allison is Sarah Silverman’s long lost sister.

“While you were taking your fake school picture? I was f*cking Matt Damon!”

Later the girls head to Runway 101, taught by Ms. Jay. Like they do every year, the girls have to prance down the runway for Ms. Jay to evaluate, but this time there’s a slight twist – they have to carry a very heavy backpack full of textbooks. As usual, they all mostly suck. There’s the one that walks like Quasimodo (Lauren), the one that thinks her walk is the bomb (Dominique), etc, etc. The most interesting revelation during runway time comes from Shalynda, who interviews that this is her 8th time trying out for ANTM. EIGHT TIMES! Hey Shalynda? I’m pretty sure they’re just not that into you.

Football stadium! Homecoming time! In front of a random little stage are five cheerleaders. As the girls get closer, they realize that the cheerleaders are actually ANTM alumnae. Hey, look at me keeping with the prep school theme! We see Furonda and Joanie from Cycle 6, Michelle and Amanda from Cycle 7, and Jael from Cycle 8. Maybe the CW decided to do a Rookies vs. Veterans style face off in an effort to boost ratings? No such luck. Instead, the Jays announce that the show will be moving back from Los Angeles to NYC. Clearly, this is because Tyra’s talk show films in NYC and the CW probably got sick of her calling it in all last season.

Mr. Jay declares that it’s time to announce homecoming queen and Dominique interviews that she really really hopes that it’s her. Oh sweetie, a blind man could see that this whole homecoming queen deal is just a ruse. It’s an elaborate way to introduce Tyra while inflating her ego to match the size of her ass.

“Are you telling me I’ve gained weight???”

The next day, it’s time for the girls to get grilled at the casting panel. Anya’s up first, and she just about collapses upon entering she’s so excited. She has the most annoying pacing to her voice which gets explained when she reveals she’s from hah-why-ee. She tells Tyra she’s got the fire to be America’s Next Top Model and when Tyra asks to see it, she just looks possessed. My guess? She’s gonna be the girl that has one look for every shoot and gets cut fairly earlyish.

Allison comes up and explains that she’s from the smallest hicktown in Wisconsin and has to get out. I also notice that she’s apparently preparing for the crawly critter shoot… oh wait, those two caterpillars on her face are just her eyebrows. Please please please let her make it to at least the makeover show.

“Sandy Cohen called and wants his eyebrows back? Oh hell no!”

Next is Shaya Ali who name drops that she’s Muhammed Ali’s niece. She’s a fashion merchandising student and immediately gets trapped up when Mr. Jay asks her what’s in style. She guesses potato sack dresses. Mr. Jay sneers that she’s so last season.

“Try empire waistlines! I’ll stuff YOU in a potato sack!”

Shaya continues to annoy the hell out of me by pulling a George Costanza and talking about herself in the third person. “Shaya is goofy, Shaya is sexy, Shaya is everybody’s fantasy.” She’s all legs but not very pretty, and you can tell she’s hoping her delusional overconfidence will bring the drama she needs to get cast.

The other girls all wait in a random sitting room and dance and sing. Amy reveals that it’s her strategy to make sure everyone’s having fun because that will put them more at ease. How does she do this? She breaks up a pleasant little conversation about who eats the most and who can see the others’ ribcages with a little tidbit about her neither regions.

Yeah, that’s sort of like the look I made. Do you have vomit in your mouth too?

Whitney’s the token plus-size model. She’s got a gorgeous face which unfortunately means she’s probably not gonna make it to the end. Hopefully she can fight her way into the final rounds, since most of the plus-size models usually fall out around the halfway mark. She seems to have a pleasant, upbeat personality but is pissed that the other plus-size girls have lost. Whitney’s got what it takes because she’s sure of herself no matter what anyone else says. I think she’s my favorite so far, but I fear that she’s doomed.

Marguerite comes in and does a little rap about how much she loves Mr. Jay but he’ll never know. Um, if you don’t want him to know, maybe you shouldn’t “White girl rap” (basically, just speaking in rhyme) about it right to his face? Just a thought.

Dominique enters… we’ve already seen her fierce ego at the homecoming show. The other girls have a pow wow about how her skin’s too leathery from too much tanning and that she kind of looks like a transvestite. Obviously, she’s gonna be cast as the requisite bitch-who-thinks-she’s-got-it-all. She also looks exactly like British celebretard, Jordan.

Separated at birth?

Dominique tells Tyra and the Jays about how she used to be in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. But don’t you worry about her. Dominique resolved the situation because she showed him “that you can’t put a price on all of this.” Huh? Tyra echoes the sentiment, asking her what the hell she’s talking about. “Pret-ty” she enunciates. Double Huh?? Then she tells us how she can use modeling as a platform to be a role model and “possibly save a life.” De-lus-ion-al!

The girls in the waiting room have an impromptu booty shaking contest. When Shaya struts her stuff, Fatima calls her out on being too ghetto. “You can be black and smart and beautiful,” Fatima explains to Shaya. Oh, no she didn’t!

Shalynda decides to fight on Shaya’s side, and launches into a diatribe about how she’s accepted the fact that she’s a bitch because she’s been called every name in the book but she still knows who she is. “Can I call you bitch?” Fatima smarts. Shalynda goes off and declines the request, not because it’s rude, but because “bitch” is not “her fucking government name!” I’m in hysterics over here.

More interviews. Lauren toddles up and admits that she’s never worn a pair of heels before. I’m not sure if the girl’s ever seen a hair brush either. Between that and her wardrobe, you can tell Tyra’s itching to choose her just to keep her around long enough for the makeover episode. Lauren wants to represent the freaks out there, because she loves “ugly-beautiful.” Tyra and the Jays practically laugh her out of the room. I vote Lauren to be the dark horse that manages to fly under the radar and stick around until the final few.

Stacy-Ann, bouncing in screeching at a pitch that only dogs can hear. Her voice pains me. Her deal? She got married at 17, not because she was pregnant but because they were so in love!!! Oh, honey. She then goes on to explain, in the voice of a confused four year old that she has a fantasy about “giving a lapdance?”

Miss Tyra is not pleased

Mr. Jay is down for a lapdance! He sits on a chair and Stacy gives it a go. She awkwardly twists next to him and starts humming/singing what sounds like the Twilight Zone theme. Oh come on now! You think this is sexy striptease music? Did you go to high school? Did you sit next to the same guys I did? The ones who sang the stereotypical “bow-chicka-bow-wow” porn music every time the teacher said something remotely sexual? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t because you were too busy GETTING MARRIED. My mistake.

More faces of shock and horror from Tyra, but eventually she gets into it… cue dance montage!

You put your left leg in…

Fatima comes in crying, tells Tyra she loves her so much, they hug. Fatima’s from Somalia, but has lived in the States for 17 years. Tyra asks her to tell us about difficult times, sappy music gets cued. Fatima explains that she was circumcised as a young girl and that’s seen as a positive thing where she’s from. Say what now?? I’ll spare you her clinical description of female genital mutilation, but let’s just say my babymaker experienced sympathy pains at the mere suggestion of it. She says she didn’t have a choice in it, but she’s dedicating her life to making sure no no one else has to experience what she did.

Fatima’s a favorite of all of the judges. They fawn all over her and say she looks exactly like Iman – which she totally does. That is most definitely going to come back and bite her in the ass during judging later on. I can just see Nigel complaining that she’s not original enough. It’s sort of like that girl who’s kind of famous just for looking like Paris Hilton and that gives her enough street cred to be at the very bottom of the celebrity food chain. Although now that I think about it, that’s exactly like what ANTM is compared to the greater modeling world. Hmmmm. Fatima may have a shot after all.

At any rate, Fatima’s look is very modelesque but something needs to be done with the poofed-out orange hair. The fact that she has a “cause” will definitely give her staying power through at least the early rounds. I say she’ll make it to the final four or five.

Put two fingers up to this picture to cover up Fatima’s face. You’d think it was Carrot Top, no?

Back in the green room, she reveals her circumcision to the other girls and explains that now she can’t have sex. Shaya immediately forgets the whole all-the-black-girls-are-ghetto argument and her ice cold heart melts when she hears Fatima’s story. Both girls share a hug and most of the girls in the room come over to comfort a crying Fatima. Marvita ruins this Kodak moment by butting in with “So do you feel like less of a woman now?” Translation? I don’t like when the attention’s not on me!!

We segue nicely into Marvita’s interview with the judges. And wow, from this angle, holy nostrils, Marvita! There’s more space in there than a studio apartment!

I call left! Who wants to move into the right one? We can totally be BFFs!!!

Jenna comes in all ghetto-fab and tells Tyra she almost didn’t come to semi-finals because she got a new job and was gonna trick out her Impala. The Tyra is not pleased. She demands that Jenna explain exactly how she would pimp out her car with $100,000.

Class and dignity? There are some things Mastercard can’t buy.

Okay, at this point, really? Did the clerks in the Reality TV Mailroom decide to play 52 pickup with all the applications? (And yes, there is one big mailroom for all reality television shows from all networks, doncha know?) I’m almost positive some of these girls actually applied to be on Pimp my Ride or Celebrity Rap Superstar.

Claire’s turn. She explains she’s a momma and she misses her little girl, especially cause she’s still breastfeeding. Tyra asks if Claire’s fed-exing the milk back to her baby. No, no, silly Tyra. CLAIRE’S drinking the breast milk. Cheese and rice, Tyra, are you trying to help all the aspiring Cycle 11 hopefuls drop those last few pounds before auditions? Because between pubic hair discussions, genital mutilation, and grown women drinking their own breast milk… I’ve lost my appetite for the next few days.

Then, in a scene that was totally not scripted AT ALL, Tyra and the Jays exclaim that all this breast milk talk made them thirsty and they simultaneously pull out glasses of milk from under the table. “Thanks Claire, we’re gonna need a little bit more!” Tyra exclaims.

No surprise that Mr. Jay’s the first to the white creamy stuff

With the interviews over, the Jays arrive to results that the girls report cards are IN. But some girls have not met the standards, and will be EXPELLED. Screaming, shrieking, general freaking out as girl after girl gets their results.

Dominique (who passes) continues her quest for global ego domination saying that all of the girls that are going home are taking a little piece of Dominique with them, because she’s a role model for everybody. Ummmm yeah. That must be why they all called you a transvestite. She also oddly seems to be reaching in her bra and feeling herself up while she’s interviewing.

“Who you calling a transvestite? I just need a minute to arrange my chicken cutlets!”

The only people who I vaguely recognize from the last 30 minutes that are getting sent home: Shalynda and Shaya. Good, I don’t need to worry about mixing up their names anymore.

Mr. Jay comes out to tell the girls that it’s time for a photo shoot! Beating the prep school theme to death, the girls will be doing their senior class portraits. They’ve got to do their own hair and makeup. They also have to pose with a hideous fur stole. Apparently Top Model Prep is located somewhere deep in a coniferous forest.

“Davy? Davy Crockett, is that you?”

Time for the “commencement ceremonies.” Moving on to NYC: Allison, Fatima, Katarzyna, Kimberly, Stacy-Ann, Aimee AND Amy (but in a weird twist, Tyra makes one of them change their name – good to see that she’s still taking her crazy pills), Claire, Whitney, Marvita, Lauren, Atalya, and Anya. That makes 13, which Tyra decides is unlucky so she also chooses Dominique at the last minute. Hugs and general excitement all around. A look at our final girls, just incase I didn’t have screencaps of all of them:

Back row (l-r): Anya, Lauren, Fatima, Katarzyna, Whitney. Middle row: Amis (formerly Amy), Marvita, Allison, Dominique, Stacy-Ann. Front row: Aimee, Atalya, Kimberly, Claire.

And there you have it! I didn’t get a chance to see if there were previews for future episodes, so if you saw anything juicy let me know. It looks like there’s a lot of good material for cat fights and drama, hooray! Talk back in comments… who are you rooting for? Who do you want to see kicked off immediately? Are you even watching or do you think Tyra’s worn out her welcome after 10 seasons? Are you praying that the subject of drinking one’s own breast milk never comes up on television ever again?