Welcome to the Go-See, Bitch

It’s been a whole week since erstwhile aspiring model Kelle was ejected from America’s Next Top Model which means that it’s time for new women to fixate on body parts they just hate. Granted, no one else knows how to capture that Lifetime TV melodrama the way Kelle did as she gazed at her “snout” in the mirror for hours before collapsing into a bundle of tears, but Cassie and Norelle were willing to give it a run for the money.

Last night’s show kicked off as a Very Sad Episode for Cassie. While all the other girls bounced around on their beds for no apparent reason (except maybe rampant coke use), Cassie moped on the phone to her boyfriend and informed him that he’d have to move to NYC. Uh, not so much. Boyfriend wasn’t so keen on that. Ouch, another tough blow for Cassie who was still reeling from Anne writing in her low-carb brownies last week (seriously, you would have thought someone had drawn a swastika in there). As she hung up with her boyfriend, America wondered: Will Cassie ever be happy?????Probably not. Elsewhere in the apartment, Norelle – aka Paris Hilton’s biggest fan – spent the evening examining her stomach. Apparently she had found a whole centimeter of fat on it and that was like not cool. You see, she wants her stomach more “abby and less flabby.” I wonder if this will happen before or after she gets her doctorate in moron sciences? In other news, Tocarra literally went to sleep with a whole fried chicken and what appeared to be the tasting menu of the local bakery by her side – in case she gets hungry in the middle of the night. Usually, if I get hungry while I’m sleeping, I usually, you know, go back to sleep and wait until breakfast.

The next day, when the girls received their Tyra Mail (Tyra’s not only a postmaster, she’s also a general), they learned that they were to have “Go-Sees” with various high-end fashion designers such as Diane Von Furstenberg, Nicole Miller, and Marc Bauwer. What’s a Go-See, you ask? Well, luckily Tyra Banks appeared randomly in front of a blue screen with clouds to explain that it’s sort of like a cold call audition where models walk for designers. Then, in a blink of the eye, Tyra was gone, off to whatever blue-screened celestial place she had come from.

The gals all headed to Nicole Miller for their first Go-See (and by the way, could they have come up with a dumber term? Models…). Yaya of course sashayed around like a dancer diva would. Nicole Miller commented that her name was so unusual. “Actually, it’s pretty common in West Africa,” replied Yaya. Yeah Nicole Miller! Way to not be up on your West African names, you ignorant bitch. Somehow, this little interchange resulted in an incredibly awkward moment where Nicole Miller simply let out an “Oh…” as if to say “Wow, I knew you were black but I didn’t realize you were THAT black.”

After the Nicole Miller go-see, a few of the models headed to the next appointment with Nanette Lepore while the rest went shoe shopping with Amanda. You see, our favorite blind model left her high heels at the apartment, so that of course necessitated that a gaggle of girls join her to find a replacement. Unsurprisingly, the group spent too long browsing and it wasn’t long before they were running around Manhattan like chickens with their heads cut off. Very skinny, bitchy chickens, that is. If there’s anything that The Amazing Race has taught us, it’s that models racing cluelessly always makes fun television.

The ladies all eventually arrived about twenty minutes late to the go-see where Nanette Lepore scolded them about tardiness. I couldn’t help but notice Eva who was sucking down a Frappucino. I suppose that mad dash across Manhattan included a quick pitstop at Starbucks. I wouldn’t challenge Eva on it though because you know all you’d get would be “So I wanted Starbucks? That’s just me! That’s Eva!”

The go-sees continued without incident until everyone reached Marc Bauwer – an alterna-Carson Kressley for the UPN set. We knew this guy was a douche when he opened his mouth and let out a Madonna-worthy fake English accent (he arbitrarily pronounced “four” like “fowe”). Not afraid to show his boredom and disdain for this whole circus, Marc ordered the girls around brusquely and executed spot on gay passive aggressiveness with a few well timed rolling eyes. When the eye-rolling technique wasn’t making the girls feel badly enough about themselves, he decided to go for a more obvious approach. He somehow honed in on the bulimic girl (Cassie) and told her her thighs were too big. Wait, actually, let’s measure them just to be sure! Indeed, Marc pulled out the measuring tape and announced that yes, Cassie at a 39 size was too much of a big, fat, ugly thigh monster. Great. Everyone do your business in the bathroom now because Cassie’s got dibs on it the rest of the night.

Poor Cassie. I do feel badly for her. Bulimia is hard enough to handle in a normal environment, let alone in a nationally televised competition with other skinny hot girls. At dinner that night at The Sunburnt Cow (which is neither sunburnt nor a cow – discuss), she seemed positively rattled from her Marc Bauwer experience, and as she sipped her diet coke with lime and watched the others chow down on kangaroo, Cassie commented that everything is really cloudy up in her head. Bad news Cassie. That usually means you’re an idiot.

While Cassie pouted, the rest of the girls went wild. First Norelle kissed Ann, and then a bunch of the models all crammed into the tiny bathtub and frolicked. Of course Yaya did not partake. Instead she savored some wine and pretended like she was at a jazz club with the Huxtables.

The next day was photo shoot day. “Miss” J Alexander greeted the girls dressed in a Hilfiger-esque outfit that was a far cry from the disheveled tranny look he had previously harnessed. Then an extravagant drag queen showed up – and while America was able to piece this one together quickly (J Alexander is dressed like a guy today, so that’s clearly Jay Manuel), the models were a little slow on the uptake. Cassie in particular was a few beats behind the band.

“This is a really ugly woman,” she said in an interview. Uh, yeah. I expected her to add, “She even has a penis!” When everyone finally put everything together, Cassie responded with a simple “Gross!” Wait ’till you find out how he has sex, Cassie.

Anyway, the purpose for these stunts was to introduce a photo shoot where the models would dress like themselves and their alter egos. In the case of Ann, that meant getting dolled up like Marilu Henner for one photo and then like Grace Jones’s long lost white sister for another. As for Cassie, her alter ego seemed to have an uncanny resemblance to Gary Oldman in Dracula (in a dress, natch). Yaya announced that her alter ego was a 17th century courtesan, which is totally cool because I never knew that 17th century courtesans had leather fetishes, but according to Yaya’s outfit, dominatrix chic was all the rage in the Jacobean court.

Tocarra meanwhile was wishing her alter ego was skinny. She and the wardrobe lady got into a spat, culminating with Tocarra getting pinched in the back. Later, when the entire experience just became too much for her, Tocarra cried about how hard it is to stay upbeat. Unfortunately I had to mute the TV at this time, lest her dog whistle sobbing attracted the neighborhood pooches.

Eventually, it was time to head to “panel”, as they call it. The models were greeted by Tyra Banks, who apparently was fresh back from some sort of Mad Max enthusiast conference. For the test, she announced that the panel (featuring Marc Bauwer) would pretend to be a fashion label called “House of Je Ne Sais Quoi”, which is only mildly more amusing than the runner up name, “House of Really Dumb People Passing Judgment.”

As usual, the panel drilled the models, with Marc Bauwer at one point insisting “I want to see some spark.” And by “spark”, he meant botox. A whole truck full. Honestly, I don’t know how that guy drinks water. During the deliberations, Janice made the stunning comment that “Eva’s still short.” In other news, Janice is still an ugly plastic surgery disaster.

After a heated debate on who should go, Tyra Banks took her regal stance above the models and entered her weekly robot mode: “I have seven photos” she announced somberly. Wouldn’t it be great if she went into robot mode more often? Hey, Tyra – do you have any change? “I HAVE THREE NICKELS.” Hey, Tyra – want something from the vending machine? “I HAVE A SNICKERS BAR ALREADY.” Eh, it’s probably funnier spoken rather than read.

Anyway, the final selection came down between Tocarra and Cassie, with the latter girl getting the boot – no pun intended. The good news for Cassie is that she can return to her boyfriend and never have to see again those scary men who kiss other men and sometimes dress like women. The bad news? Oh, just an eating disorder. Yay!