This week’s ANTM/Hoolia co-sponsored lesson: You know you’ve been feeling guilty about your recaps when Top Model infiltrates your dreams. Yes Gasmii, I’m sad to admit that last night, I had my first (and let’s pray to Tyra, my last) ANTM-related dream. I’ll spare you the lame details because face it – everyone thinks their dreams are way more interesting than they anyone else does. But unfortunately it did NOT involve one sexy dripping wet Nigel Barker. It did involve Mizz Jay evaluating an outfit that I had on for a job interview and saying “Oh honey, you’d BEST not be thinking of wearing that!” and then spending an unreasonably long amount of time rolling up the sleeves on this cute cardigan sweater and then tying them up 3/4 style with a pretty ribbon. Then Tyra, Mr. Jay and I all went on the Today show where we were asked who we thought would take it all and dream-Hoolia said Elina would take the top prize. I’m not even sure if I’m consciously thinking that one, but clearly my subconscious had something to say and decided to do it by scaring the crap out of me by putting Tyra in my dreams. There’s a sentence I never wanted to type. But, let’s jump right in so I can attempt to crank this sucker out before my next nap/sleep for fear of drifting off to dreamland only to have mail lady Tyra barge in to give me a makeover. Instead, let’s talk lots and lots about Nigel for hopes that he ravishes me up against the wall of a pool while I’m rocking some crazy eye makeup. Yes please!
Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These…
At the house, things have turned around for our little orphan Elina and she beams at the sight of last week’s photo as the digital artwork. But alas, all can’t be happy in Whoville. No no, Analeigh wallows out loud about the shock and terror of being in the bottom two when Hannah decides to put in her two cents – greatly infuriating Marjorie.
“What do you MEAN you can see Alaska from your house?!”
Turns out poor Hannah is tired of all the whining. Yeah dear, and I’m tired of hearing you talk about how your hometown library just ordered new computers that will have that new-fangled intranet that everyone keeps talking about to use the google. You can find out all sorts of fun things about yourself with the google, right?
Marjorie defends the pity party and I would be slightly more convinced if she wasn’t dressed for a funeral. Damn, this new hair color is making her look so emo. Hannah’s sick of all the peeps focusing on the negatives. Duly noted, H-Dog, but perhaps a window of time should be allowed since I’m pretty sure the trail of eco-friendly exhaust from the fierce bus is still lingering in the driveway.
Confusing ClichÃ© Caveat: “You gotta pick up your beans and keep on rolling!” Hannah advises the girls. I’m pretty sure my handy Alaskan-English dictionary is useless on this one. My money’s on the fact that Hannah just unintentionally (well, probably) morphed “You gotta roll with the punches” with “Don’t spill the beans.”
“I just can’t believe that School House Rock never covered colloquialisms!”
Tyra Mail is back and better than ever with a photo even more ridiculous than the wannabe Trojan ad from a few weeks back. The shot makes me yearn for a special bonus panel at the end of the season where the other judges critique these Tyra Mail shots. Paulina would tell Tyra that she looks like there’s not a thought in her brain, Mizz Jay would complain about slouchiness and lack of lines and Nigel would swoop in with the zinger.
“Love, the package says Special Delivery NOT Special Olympics.”
Runway time! Mizz Jay pops up at a bowling alley to teach the girls all about runway walks. He hands them high-heeled bowling shoes that are very, very unique. I can’t lie to you guys, I’m sort of not entirely hating them. Mizz Jay passes out heels to Isis while saying something about the number seven and so I’m thinking her shoes are size seven. I almost start to tear up at the reminder that a natural born male has smaller feet than my ginormous klodhoppers but a handy rewind tells me that Jay was just sending Isis to Lane 7. MAJOR SELF-ESTEEM CRISIS AVERTED!
The girls strut their stuff one at a time down a bowling alley. Bonus points for creativity, but as Mizz Jay shares, models have to walk on every kind of surface. So wouldn’t the real challenge have been making the girls walk in the gutters? That would have been 24 karat recapping gold. Damn you, Mizz Jay! I always have your back but you never have mine.
The results are the usual array of disaster that we’ve come to know and love: Isis slides like she’s on ice (ba-da-bum!), Analeigh walks too slow, Marjorie is the everready bunny, Hannah walks like she got a bowling ball dropped on her head and someone glued her hands to her hips, McKey needs to control her shoulders, Lauren Cheese should take longer steps, Clark should search for her center, Sheena hooches it up, Joslyn is Miss Jay’s fave, Samantha’s bow-legged, and Elina’s a control freak.
Back at the house, the girls try help Hannah with her abominable Robocop walk. There’s no question as to if this is doing her any good – it’s clearly not. If you need someone to tell you to stop at the end of the runway, you’re probably beyond all help. In Hannah’s defense, it’s hard to know when to stop when you just encountered your first spotlight yesterday. This must be extremely hard for Hannah because I just used the google on her and figured out that yesterday is also the day she was born. What a coinkydink!
Meanwhile in another part of the lair, Cheese and Clark gossip like a gaggle of geese (meemeemeemee). Cheese thinks McKey gives the best face on the shoots. Clark misinterprets and immediately tries to show off her skills.
She said FACE, Clark. Not head.
Just a sec, I’ve gotta go grab my mind out of the gutter where the girls could have strutted all over it if Mizz Jay hadn’t missed an opportunity… aaaaaand back. Not surprisingly, Clark and Cheese think that Isis doesn’t have what it takes to make it because her body isn’t right and she’s only 5’7″. Yadda, yadda, yadda girls. If you’re gonna play the role of this season’s mean girls, tell it like it is. Don’t be afraid to say the “p” word if we’re talking clinically or the “d” or “c” word if we’re talking crassly. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. Cut to Isis talking about how other girls are intimidated by her. Mayyyyybe, but I honestly don’t think Cheese and Clark are feeling the intimidation on this one.
This week’s runway challenge takes place in a vintage bank where the girls are going to be portraying cat burglars because the collection is inspired by opulence. Backstage, the girls practice modeling their outfits, get their hair and makeup did – you know, the usual backstage banter. BUT THEN, as I’m rewatching this for the third time, I can’t help but think we got totally duped, Gasmii. Sam prances and does her end of the runway pose and flutters her dress up around her legs, but girl’s got long leggings on so no one’s Britney is exposed here. The designer then tells her, “You’re raising your dress, do not model like that.” Sam responds, “Okay.” I almost don’t catch it because the cutaway shots are so quick, but we see no one’s mouth’s moving, only Sam’s back, and in the three different cutaways of the designer, he’s standing in completely different locales in the room. He’s not even visible in the shot where Sam lifts her dress. I mean, I know this is coming, I know there’s tricky editing involved, but I can’t help feeling a little let down every time it happens. Wednesday nights are the new Christmas mornings.
In an attempt to keep things spicy, Jay announces the twist on the challenge is that the girls will be blindfolded. Well, that explains the cat burglar comment. Ann Shoket makes her first appearance/plug of the season to reward the girls with a useless advertorial. Jay comes out with the more interesting news that someone will be eliminated immediately after the fashion show. YES! Let’s thin this pack out a little more.
Despite the blindfolds, there’s no embarrassing snafus on the runway and no one trips and falls Carrie Bradshaw style. Sam lifts up her skirt at the end just as the designer (supposedly) told her not to.
But the star of the show yet again is Ms. Alaska herself…
HUT, two, three, four!
So, really, is it any big surprise that’s going home? Hannah and Samantha receive the only truly negative critiques from the judges. Joslyn wins the challenge while Hannah gets the boot. There’s the most lovely awkward pause after this gets announced where no one moves or goes to comfort her. Smell ya later, Alaska! Glad I won’t have to hear you or your whiny voice again! If it’s wrong to be a teensy bit happy that she leaves without any pomp and circumstance, then I don’t want to be right.
Pre-photo shoot, it’s more of the same from Analeigh and Marjorie about how Analeigh needs to step it up and Marge would be devastated if she went home. Is this really all that’s going on in the house between challenges and shoots? I feel like all I’ve been doing for the past few weeks are recapping lameo conversations. I’m missing the slightly-racist Barbie doll plays from yestercycle.
Next morning, the girls get an in person wakeup call from Malibu Ken. Oh wait, j/k, it’s Mr. Jay! And he’s got the whitest tennis shoes in the office! Seriously, his keds are blinding.
Jay, you’re about twenty years too early for the Boogie Nights remake
He tells the girls that the photo shoot for the day is going to take place at home so they need to get out by the pool. The theme of the shoot is going to be… wait for it… smile with your eyes! It’s sort of weird to hear someone other than Tyra say this phrase. The photographer for the shoot is perfectly matched because he cares about their eyes more than any other parts of their body…
Nigel. Wet. Pool. My Dreams. Speechless. Salivating. And then – NO JOKE – he asks the girls if they are ready to get wet. NIGEL BARKER, please come hang with me in the gutter. Where our minds can be dirty together. Because I kinda sorta love you.
Alright, I promise that’s the last time I’ll ramble on like a high schooler, for this week at least. The girls get really crazy eyeshadow that may or may not be face paint. Joslyn especially struggles with the shoot because she can’t swim and her discomfort comes across on camera.
Clark gets in the water and works it. Nigel asks her what she’s thinking and she says she’s thinking she’s lying on a bed. Clearly, she’s channeling me to determine WWHD. Isis can’t get over her nerves about wearing a swimsuit and more or less bombs the whole shoot. I’m not really sure why she’s so concerned because it’s not like it’s an underwater shot where anyone’s going to see her cash and prizes. But interesting to note how both last week and this week’s shoots involved swimsuits. Do I smell a conspiracy to get Isis out of here sooner rather than later?
Nothing too much to note from the other girls. Samantha mixes it up and Elina gets stuck. What you really need to know is that no one pins Nigel against the wall in an attempt to make sweet, sweet love to him. Laaaaame.
Pre-panel, Elina frets about her less than stellar performance. Isis calls her godfather for some moral support.
That’s what (s)he said
The ten remaining girls head to panel. Let’s jump right in! Tyra tells the story of how the concept came about and it shouldn’t come as any surprise that Tyra spends all of her spare time, including vacays, making up her own photo shoots.
(Sheena’s up first but mysteriously at this moment there are absolutely no pictures of Sheena up on the ANTM website… so I don’t have her best shot. Anyone have any idea why Sheena would be pulled? Did I miss something? I haven’t checked my google reader chock full ‘o gossip blogs yet today…)
A quick note from Hoolia: Sheena looks super classy at panel – hair pulled back in a bun, no boobies hanging out, nice little crop cardigan. Props for taking Tyra advice to heart. Mizz Jay loves the intense shot and Nigel thinks that Sheena tried a lot of new things during the shoot.
Tyra needs more of an eye-squint. Paulina thinks Joslyn’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of her head. Hoolia doesn’t think the picture’s all that bad.
Paulina would get nightmares from looking at this picture. She throws the term “headless horseman” out there. Tyra disagrees because modeling isn’t always about beauty, it’s about getting a reaction, which is something that Marjorie’s picture succeeds in doing.
Lots of oh yeahs and oh babys. Tyra notices the mystery and devilishness in Lauren Cheese’s eyes.
Paulina thinks the arm is more important than the eyes. Nigel thinks that at the shoot, Isis was too wrapped up with her swimsuit and that it hampered her performance.
Tyra dubs the shot amazing. Nigel says that Clark smiled with her eyes and her whole body, which really worked for her. Tyra draws attention to how the reflection of the eyes in the water is doubled, making them look more intense. Hoolia says excellent shot but that besides Sheena, Clark had the most interesting eye makeup that really helped enhance the shape of her eyes. It also probably helped that you can’t see her awkward horse mouth.
Tyra loves the intensity but Paulina and Nigel hate the hand. The designer gives McKey props for pulling off the most difficult outfit in the fashion show, which looked like it had a giant crucifix stuck in the back of it.
Nigel expected much more out of Elina. Tyra tells her not to tilt her head down because her hooded eyes lose a lot. Hoolia thinks this is probably the most ridiculous hairdo ever.
Hoolia says HOT STUFF! Nigel absolutely loves it because Analeigh utilized her talent as a skater to make an amazing shot. Paulina thinks Analeigh’s eyes are a little weak but that the whole shot together is divine.
Tyra says that Sam has a gift of her hands. Uh, what? Jeremy Scott loves the shot but is still pretty pissed about the flashy-flashy runway dance that Sam pulled at the show. He knows her blindfold obscured her vision and wonders if she saw a pole at the end of the runway. HA. He tells her that models represent the designers and not themselves. Tyra echoes the important lesson.
Time for someone to go home. Clark has the best shot of the week, followed by Analeigh, Lauren Brie, Sheena, McKey, Marjorie, Joslyn, and Elina. Isis and Sam step forward to hear their cases presented. Sam looks freaking terrified. Isis stood out in the background last season but keeps looking sleepier every week and is coasting into nothingness because she’s afraid to stand out. Sam takes gorgeous pictures but disgusted and insulted Jeremy Scott. In the end, Sam gets another chance but Tyra warns her not to push her sexuality because it’s natural. Tyra hugs Isis goodbye and advises her to work on her eyes so she won’t be so “wah-wah.” Thanks, T, for ending this one with a chuckle!
I’m dying to hear you guys sound off if you haven’t sold me down the river yet for getting this recap to you so late. And I promise to check back on the boards more than once to actually respond to more comments this time! So did Isis deserve to go? I was genuinely surprised because while I think she has had weak photos recently, I would have expected producers to keep her around for longer for the publicity aspect. Now that we’ve weeded out a lot of girls, are you still feeling the same ones for the win? Are there still lots of team Sheenas out there? And most importantly, if you had to choose one, would you choose the naked-in-a-bed photo shoot with Nigel from last season or this week’s sexy wetsuit shoot?