America’s Next Top Model: Where’s the Beef?

Ah, what if.

Alright, Gasmii, I’m making my own executive decision to keep it short this week. I know most recappers generally don’t give excuses as for why things are late because they think you guys don’t care, but I actually have a hysterical and valid excuse so I’m putting it out there. I spent last weekend getting kicked out of Europe. Seriously. I’ve been traveling around sans proper paperwork for a good nine months or so and finally got screwed when an immigration officer decided to check out the stamps in my passport instead of just stamping and letting me in because I’m a cute, friendly American. I spent eight hours being fingerprinted and formally questioned while sharing a holding cell with a drug dealer from the Ivory Coast.

This seemed a little excessive, considering all I did was overstay a tourist visa and he was undoubtedly smuggling kilos of god knows what in places where the sun don’t shine. Then I got shipped back to the US for free on an insanely sweet business class ticket. You can best believe I consumed all the wine and champagne I could (FYI – six mini bottles before I started to get dizzy) and enjoyed all eight hours sprawled out in my fully reclining bed, snuggled in my down comforter watching movies on my personal flat screen. It was the nicest business class you could ever imagine. Details spared to protect the guilty (me), but let’s just say I’m bloody thrilled that we’re not a colony anymore. You can read all the juicy details in my memoir, which will be titled “Between These Padded Walls of Birth and Death: My Life is Crazier Than Anything You Could Find In An Institution.”

Anywho, I’ve since hopped another flight and managed to get back into Europe via a more permissive country, but all this drama and two transatlantic flights in three days have resulted in a severely jetlagged brain consisting of pure mush. This means I’m probably just about as smart and witty right now as most of the ANTM hopefuls which should make for an interesting recap. I apologize in advance for this week and promise to be back full force next week. I just need to crank this sucker out and get back to sleeping.

Let’s get to the main event! Look’s like Dominique’s decided to take a little trip of her own… an ego trip, that is. She starts sassing all the girls in the limocab that hate her, saying now she’s gonna be here for another week and Tyra loves her and apparently we the viewers just witnessed the best bottom two in ANTM history. Tyra better make sure she gets a lot of hair dye for Dominique’s new do, since this girl is getting a ginormous head. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb and call bullshit on Dominique’s supposedly heartfelt speech last week about how all she wants to do is be a role model for her daughter. Now, I don’t have a baby girl (… that I know of), but I certainly wouldn’t vote Dominique to be her role model. All she does is meddle and instigate drama and act like she’s still stuck in high school.

The girls show up for runway practice at the firehouse. Mizz Jay tells them that they have 90 seconds to change into some sexy little fireman’s outfits. Fatima can’t get on her little heeled fireman boots on time, and Mizz Jay calls her out on it. Instead of fessing up to not being able to change quickly enough, she digs herself in deeper by claiming that the other heels look cuter. Mizz Jay is not pleased. For someone who claims to have so much invested in this competition, the girl is really dumb as rocks when it comes to some of her judgment calls.

Mizz Jay tells the girls to strut their stuff in front of some of FDNY’s finest. Stacy-Ann’s pretty pumped about walking in front of some hot cops: “Ohhhh wowwww a whole bunch of really cute firefighters like ahhh! Yay! So it was super super cool.” Stacy-Ann’s still not wowing me with her shots but she’s keeping me laughing with her airheadedness. She’s so unaware of it and I love it. Unfortunately, the firefighters weren’t exactly what I’d call “really cute.”

So not hot. Like, the total opposite of fire.

All of the runway walks are pretty run of the mill and not that changed since week one. Props to Claire, Aimee and Whit. Dominique thinks her walk is the best, but Jay tears her up for acting like a stripper. Fatima looks like she’s too good for it but her walk still sucks. Lauren still can’t find some inner confidence and it shows in her hunched shoulders and knocking knees. Amis skips down the runway for no apparent reason and Mizz Jay and I are both thoroughly annoyed.

Back at the house, there’s a lot of faux drama going on. I’m gonna skim over the majority of it this week, but it all seems very heavily edited. I know that’s the norm for a reality show like this, but I feel like I’m only getting half of the story every week. If Dominique really got the wrong hair color, why didn’t we see that earlier? Later in the episode there’s a blowup between Whitney and Aimee vs. Fatima and Dominique. Fatima and Dominique apparently jump all over Whitney for being a bitch but all we see is Whitney speaking up to defend a more softspoken Aimee. Aimee is uncomfortable being naked in front of the other girls and wanted to shower in one of the house’s three bathrooms. Aimee offers to let everyone pee before she showers and tells them they can use one of the other two bathrooms if they have to go later. Seems like a fairly logical argument to me. Fatima jumps down Whitney’s throat when she stands up for Aimee since, according to Fatima, “Whitney starts a lot of things.” Um, ex-squeeze me, Fatima? Starting things like calling another model “bigger all over” and then feigning total ignorance?

(By the way – these girls must have been showering and peeing nonstop, because according to this article the loft had over 90 grand in water damages!)

If Whitney really WAS acting uncalled for and starting some drama, then why don’t we get to see this? Hoolia’s guess: because Fatima’s full of shit. Obviously, because I love Whitney so much, she can do no wrong in my eyes… but really, it looks as if the story editors are grasping at straws here, so they’re attempting to make it seem like there’s more drama than what’s really happening. My guess as to what’s really going on: Dominique and Fatima are just insecure mean girls who are taking it out on those who’ve got the confidence and are rocking the shoots. (love ya, Whit!)

Oh, also of note, we get to see Dominique’s supposedly fixed hair.

Why is it so blonde around her hairline? It looks like someone messed up the dye job. Also why does she keep insisting on pulling her hair so severely off her face? Hideous hair, hideous face, hideous attitude, hideous personality. As far as I’m concern, Dominique can’t be eliminated soon enough.

For the runway challenge this week, the girls model in a Tuleh fashion show and they’ve got minimal prep time. Whitney accidentally flashed some boobie after getting changed too quickly but acts pretty professional by continuing to walk confidently like there’s nothing wrong. Lauren gets so wrapped up in nerves that she practically sprints down the runway and turns around without posing. Dominique misses a button in the middle of her sweater and thinks no one will notice…

I’ve been there too, honey, but it’s generally following a secret rendezvous in a coat closet. And yeah, people notice.

Postshow, the girls get critiqued by Jaslene and the editor-in-chief of Seventeen.

Alvin, Simon, and Theodore’s less famous sister.

They point out the obvious mistakes and praise Katarzyna and Aimee. Then Jaslene calls upon Lauren. “Do you want to be here?” Uh oh, looks like some PA recycled the cue cards from when Tyra booted off Kimberly. Seriously, is it just me or is Jaslene way harsh on Lauren by saying that she looked like she didn’t want to be up there? Lauren looked very nervous, yes, but if anything Amis was the one who looked bored and like she didn’t want to be there.

Katarzyna wins the challenge and gets to pick two friends to be in a photo shoot with Jaslene for an ad to run in Seventeen. Katarzyna picks… Marvita and Amis? Well aren’t these three a motley freaking crew!

Over in the meatpacking district, the girls show up for their photo shoot. Mr. Jay comes out in a coat he ripped off from Cruella deVille and tells the girls that this week they’ll be posing with some hunks… hunks of meat, that is!

Puppies! I want your puppies!

I’m waiting for the inevitable vegan to get worked into tears and lecture about animal cruelty… but it never comes. What? REALLY? Now I’m totally confused about the point of this shoot. I would understand if the producers set it up to create some kind of vegan drama, but at this point, they’ve got to be aware that there’s no vegetarians in the house. Wouldn’t the logical idea be to put this shoot on hold for Cycle 11 and make sure they stuck a vegan or two in the house that time around? For the rest of the episode, we don’t get any explanation regarding a rationale for this shoot. I understand fashion is edgy and what not, but I can’t imagine too many designers would be psyched about their designs getting paired up with random steak halter tops.

*Obligatory crack about beef curtains*

Pre-panel, Lauren interviews that she doesn’t want to be on the chopping block this week. Which in ANTMese means that she will be in the final two. Then she says, “In all honesty. it might happen” which means… she won’t be in the final two? CW, you’ve finally bested me! Blargh! I genuinely cannot guess whether or not Lauren will be final two. Kudos for wisening up.

Amis is still napping right before panel and the other girls wake her up. I think this is pretty nice, considering past ANTM participants have left other girls sleep past call times. She throws together quite the ensemble for panel.

Memo to Amis: The homeless shoot already happened two weeks ago

At panel, Stacy-Ann’s up first:

Nigel’s disappointed. Mizz Jay thinks she keeps recycling the same pose.

Tyra’s psyched to see some booty, but I’d like to give Tyra a simple anatomy lesson because she’s clearly mixing up thighs with booty since this shot shows none of Whit’s derriere. The photographer loves the look on her face and Mizz Jay and Hoolia agree. So much more original than anything any of the other girls are doing.

Nigel says she looks like a mannequin. Tyra got bored looking at her film. All the judges call her out on her obvious discomfort with the shoot.

Tyra loves that Katarzyna’s holding the skirt like it’s fabric, but still think something’s missing in her face.

Nigel thinks it’s an awkward pose. Tyra couldn’t find a single frame where Fatima wasn’t lame growling. Paulina asks about the direction at the shoot and Fatima is Little Miss Know-It-All when she admits that they might have advised her to change her face, but she wasn’t listening. Hoolia steps in to ask the judges if they’re really surprised by this after the ridiculous fake tears/Precious Moments faces that Fatima made at the homeless shoot.

All the judges think Anya’s fabulous. Paulina praises her for being the only girl to look comfortable with the shoot.

Paulina’s seen it before. Mizz Jay isn’t grabbed by it. Tyra loves the angles of Claire’s bodies.

Mizz Jay thinks Dominique looks squished. Tyra loves that her eyes have a connection beyond just staring into a lens. Nigel thinks that this shot looks like it should be on a calendar in a meatpacking district, and I’m not entirely sure if he’s making fun of her or bestowing a genuine compliment.

Mizz Jay tears Lauren a new one for the horrible runway walk but loves her shot. Tyra thinks it’s a great pose. Nigel compliments her for using the props in the right way.

Tyra insults Amis’ Axl Rose outfit. Paulina doesn’t think the profile shot is doing her any good. Tyra likes her shot but doesn’t like her presence in the room this week. This is strange to me, because in all the other weeks, they’ve been loving Amis’ personality and have been trying to get her to translate it into her shots (which, admittedly, she can’t do). Amis explains away by saying that when she’s nervous, she starts to act silly and goofy to cover it up. Tyra plays the egomaniac by scolding Amis because this is Cycle 10 of America’s Top Model and by now, Amis should “know better” than to show up wearing that outfit. I love how Tyra assumes that all of the girls are fountains of knowledge when it comes to the history of her reality show.

Paulina thinks Marvita looks pretty but forgettable. Tyra wants to see more emotions from Marvita besides angry.

Which girl will be sent “off to slaughter?” The girls get called: Anya, Whitney, Katarzyna, Claire, Dominique, Stacy-Ann, Lauren, Marvita, and Aimee.

I thought Amis would be in the final two, but I’m a little surprised about Fatima! I’m practically shouting at my TV to kick off Fatima, even though I know it’s unlikely. Sure enough, Amis gets the boot for being too silly and unfocused. She thanks Tyra for everything and seems pretty cheery about being sent off.

And that’s all for this week, kids! I threw a bunch of questions out there in this recap, so feel free to talk back and analyze the psychology behind ANTM. Isn’t it totally obvious that Dominique has major self-esteem issues, from asking Mr. Jay for a hug post-photo shoot to calling Whitney white trash when SHE’S the one who refers to herself in the third person and uses double negatives constantly? Are you just as sick of Fatima’s holier-than-thou attitude as I am? Did this recap even make sense or did jetlag inhibit my ability to form sentences that aren’t run-ons? Love all y’all, and I promise to be back with my A-Game next week.