America’s Next Top Model has given us a lot of interesting moments this year. For example, if I had said that Steve-O and Chris Pontius and Jason Acuna would be on a television show with some models and that somebody would have pissed themselves in an adult diaper, who would have thought it would be one of the models? Tyra had one of the best reality moments of the year when she went off on Tiffany, but nearly equaled it when she eliminated both Jayla and Nicole, bringing them to tears, only to say it was all a joke, that none of them were eliminated and everybody was going to London. I for one wouldn’t mind having a squiz at any of these fit birds or having them give me a good toss. Well, except for maybe Kim; her cods might be bigger than mine.We usually open up the episode with the girls talking about their dearly departeds, but this time there was nobody to mourn. That does not mean that the girls weren’t affected, because Jayla and Nicole were steel feeling the sting of one of the more brilliant (or cruel, depending on your point of view) fakeouts in ANTM history. I have to say how much I loved the way Tyra handled the situation. She had just eliminated these girls from a competition that has taken weeks from their lives. The judges had just finished making a decision that would perhaps completely destroy the dreams of one or both of the girls. What does Tyra do? Dance around with the Union Jack, of course, and laugh your ass off when it comes time for editing.
The next day, the girls met Jenny Shimizu who represents several unique parts of modeling being 5’7″ (ie short), a minority, covered in tattoos, and a lesbian. She was discovered by Calvin Klein while she was riding a motorcycle, and she had a lot of great advice for the girls, but she wanted to focus on how being an individual is not a detriment to your modeling career. Jenny (does she go by Jenny or Shimizu?) said that it was the differences in modeling that makes things beautiful. The whole segment might as well have been a personal note to Kim. As soon as she heard that Jenny was a lesbian, Kim started to pay attention, asking her questions like how to make things feminie, even when you might consider yourself a tomboy. I really don’t think Kim’s problem is that she is a tomboy. The problem is that face of hers. Like my sister said when she called today (she was upset I hadn’t posted this in time), the girl has no bone structure. If I had just finished watching six hours of girls softball, I might think that Kim is attractive, but I couldn’t see her being Dairy Queen (or at Wesleyan, Soy Milk Queen) let alone winning Top Model.
Ms. Shimizu was nice, but I don’t think a lot of the girl got a lot out of the encounter besides Kim, for the obvious reasons, and Lisa, who, as always, enjoyed telling people that she recognized the model as soon as she walked in the door. Soon after the girls were told they were going to meet ghosts from their pasts, which, to my dissappointment, was not the sequeal to the best Brendan Frasier/Christopher Walken/ Sissy Spacek comedy vehicle from the late 90s. Instead, they got to meet Kevin Frazier, who some of you may recognize from various ESPN NBA gigs, but who is more recently known for his work as a correspondent for Entertinment Tonight.
Mr. Frazier introduces the ghosts from the past, which turn out to be pictures of the girls themselves. During the final weeks of ANTM, it becomes more and more important for the girls to not only demonstrate model ability and skill in their photographs, but in their everyday appearance. Kevin emphasized that their will be cameras on them all of the time, and they have to be aware of them all of the time. It’s almost as if their lives were being recorded and would be broadcast all over the world where people would watch them laugh, cry, and backstab each other just because they wanted to amuse themsevles. Who would do that sort of thing? Now there was great potential to show lots of embarrassing pictrues of everybody, but I thought they could have done more. Oh look, Lisa is making a fool of herself! Never imagined that would happen!
At this point in the episode, I am a little bored. OK, we had an asian lesbian. OK, we had an entertainment correspondent. But overall, I thought it could be better. It was fine hearing about Jenny Shimizu, but Kevin Frazier was about as exciting as listening to Ed Bradley give a lecture on grooming your schnauzer. What is the point of all of this? Lisa had been complaining that there was too much lollygagging in Los Angeles and not enough flying to London, and I am one to agree, and not just because a move to England will let me make a bunch of Monty Python jokes. Once the models move out of their original digs, they start to get even more competitive. Emotions run high, and just when everybody needs the support of their roommates more than ever, the fighting and the backstabbing come in full force. It’s a wonderful thing.
I think a lot of the girls were looking for a change of scenery. There are always going to be fights and factions in the house, but it has seemed like everybody in the house is either pro or anti-Lisa. In that pro Lisa camp is Lisa, and in the anti-lisa camp is everybody else. I like Lisa, and although I think she went a little too far last week in her quest to grab attention, she has personality. Besides, I think that most of the anti-Lisa crowd is actually more jealous because she has been taking great pictures. Her crazy behavior makes it easy to make her a scapegoat and not feel bad about it.
Another reason I think that Lisa is getting a bad rap is that I think there are other people in the house causing drama as well, and one of those people was Kim. Kim seems to be a girl that a lot of people like, but she likes to talk about people behind their backs. She picks one person to be her best friend, and then she gets together with them and talks shit about the others. The last time we had an elimination, that friend was Kyle and she said that they were the only two sane people left in the house. With Kyle out of the house, Nicole moves into position to be Kim’s sloppy thirds, and they get right to work talking about the others. Nik is too boring, Lisa is an alcoholic, but Jayla gets the worst. Jayla is called ugly, annoying, and a bad joke deliverer, and if it’s one thing that potential models can’t stand is bad comedic timing, so for Jayla to be called the Colin Quinn of ANTM 5 really hurts.
People have started getting wise to Kim’s antics. You think Lisa’s attention grabbing stunts were desperate? Kim starts playing harmonica to show Nicole how much she would have missed her if she left? And likewise, how much she would have been happy if Jayla was eliminated. Was anybody else thinking it was strange that Kim was playing the harmonica? I mean, I guess it helps you with your tongue dexterity, but couldn’t she just tie knots with cherry stems like the rest of us? Jayla hasn’t gone out of her way to be nice to people, but other than her incident with Nik, she seems to be trying to get along with other people. True, she might have things to say about the competition, but she isn’t badmouthing the girls to other roomates all the time, a practice Kim has turned into an art form.
Jayla was telling Bre that she knows that a lot of people say thing about her, but it is always started by Kim; others add things to be funny. Bre says that she knows exactly what Jayla is talking about and says that she is afraid that if she leaves a room, Kim will start talking about her, summing it up by saying “That bitch ain’t right!” and wagging her finger in disapproval. It’s true that Kim talked behind people’s backs or when they leave the room, but Kim doesn’t even have to go that far. While Nik is talking on the phone with her friend Visa (she had already spoken to Master Card and learned that Diner’s Club was having a baby), Kim picked up the phone and after telling Visa that she’s the gayest person in the house, but she won’t take American Express, she said that Nik acted like her mouth was stapled shut, that she is careful, and she’s afraid of people. Yeah, why would Nik be careful talking to people? It’s not like other people are talking about her behind her back, right Kim? Why should she be afraid of girls in the house, it’s not like they are going to embarrass her in front of her friends from back home!
As I said before, Lisa was going a little stir crazy for London and the time finally came for everybody to pack up their things, leave their house in the hills, and bone up on the House of Windsor (King Ralph anyone?) before their flight. Still, there is always time for one more fierce photo, so the girls went downtown to get their passport pictures taken. Since the theme this week is looking like a model at all times, we weren’t surprised to hear that the passport photographer was an actual fashoin photographer named Mark Anderson. Mark judged the girls on their photos, and the girl who won, which turned out to be Bre with a very simple photo with her hair pulled back, was going to get a reward once in the UK. Personally, I thought Nicole looked the best, but that’s why I blog about this show and only pretend to know anything that I am talking about.
Before going on their way, all of the girls got to watch a message from their friends or family. The message was delivered via cell phone video in a quite unfortunate product placement, but even a postage stamp size reminder that your family still loves you or your boyfriend hasn’t broken up with you is plenty. While they were in the limo, Kim overhears Bre and Kim talking about her. And you know what they say, nobody should talk badly about others unless it is Kim and she is funny, so Kim goes over there and says that she wants to have a few words about them.
I know there are a lot of Kim fans out there, but you had to realize that as soon as she decided to get into the ring with Bre, the result wasn’t going to be in question. I am sure that if the debate was about something like the effects of Christian symbolism on post-Incan familial structures, well, everybody would be bored out of their minds, but Kim with all of that learnin’ and readin’ that she does would have a chance. If Kim was trying to convince Bre that she wasn’t a backstabbing bitch, she wasn’t going to get a free pass. Right away Bre said that Kim’s character is very ugly (as ugly as that bloated face of hers).
Kim soon saw that she wasn’t going to win, and the only way she was going to get out of this alive was to make excuses about why she did it. You know, she didn’t do it on purpose, she was only trying to be funny, etc., but Bre and Nik were not letting Kim deny it all happened. Honestly, Kim really didn’t have much of an argument. In the segment with Kevin Frazier, the cameras caught Kim imitating Tyra, so nobody was safe from Kim’s ridicule, even the woman trying to change her life. Nik told her that she did it all on purpose, and gave an example of when she made fun of Jayla. Up until that time, Jayla had been quiet, but after Kim was confronted with what she said about Jayla, Jayla started crying saying how she liked Kim from the first day and felt so betrayed. With everybody piling onto her, it was long before Kim started crying, but Nicole did come to her defense, saying that everybody talked about everybody, wo why pick on Kim. And if there is anything that you learn as a kid “Everybody’s doing it” is not much of an excuse. Well, if everybody told you to jump off a bridge, would you still do it Nicole? No? Well, if they told you that you should at least get rid of that hair on your upper lip, would you do that? Good.
After those exchanges, it looked like Kim realized people didn’t like her behavior. She insisted that she never made fun of Bre, but when Bre said she didn’t care, and that it was only a matter of time before it happened, Kim continued with her crying. Bre, who is great at the social manipulation herself, then comforts Kim. You break them down, then build them back up, and Kim will think twice before ever talking abour Bre. As for Bre, she thought that all of Kim’s tears were fake, and she was going to keep her enemies closer. I am not sure if Kim’s tears were fake, but I would say that they were more for people to have sympathy for her, because I don’t see her actually caring that anybody in the house is her friend or not when it’s all over. Jayla has said the same thing, but at least she admitted it.
The girls made it to London, and Miss. J was there to greet them, proudly wearing her “Naomi Hit Me” shirt. Now the joke about this is that Naomi was sued by an ex-assistant for a bunch of things ex-assistants sue for, including being slapped and beaten with a Blackberry. Speaking of which, there has to be some strange sexual act called the Blackberry. Hopefully EdHill will read this and let me know what it is. Anyway, Naomi was seen with a shirt on in New York that said “Naomi Hit Me” with “And I loved it” on the back. Miss J’s shirt said “and I hit the bitch back” on the rear. If Tyra wasn’t planning on reconciling with Naomi this week on her talk show, it would have been much more effective.
When they get to their hotel, the papparazi are waiting for them. They were all photographers that worked for the show, but they simulated the situation very well. I remember my first run in with the paparazzi. I was at LAX to pick up B-side as he returned from one of his jaunts to New York when I saw a bunch of photographers chasing this tall blonde woman. I was too retarded to realize that it was Gwyneth Paltrow at the time, but I did feel bad for her. It’s kind of annoying when you are just trying to get your baggage and ten people are following you. I assure you, any sympathy I had was gone by the time she named her kid Apple.
Once in their hotel, Bre learned that she was going to have a nice evening on the town in London. she picked Nik to go with her and soon they were whisked around in the town by a bunch of gentlemen in a carriage. For these two urban beauties, it was quite a breathtaking event, and not just because the carriage was driving on the wrong side of the road. No, their escorts weren’t doing things like the girls were used to being treated back home. Instead of saying “Bitch, where’s my money” and backhadning them with a diamond ring, the guys would hold the door open before Nik and Bre entered. Instead of honking at them and telling them how phat their asses were, thew would pull a chair out before they were seated. When dinner was a fancy restaurant and wine instead of a bucket of KFC, some biscuits and a case of Old English, the two of them knew they were on to something. Maybe there was more to life than being a baby momma. If they were a top model, they would find guys to treat them like that all the time, and not just after they won the trifecta at the Aqueduct.
Overall, these guys were boring, but at least we got to hear them say Piccadilly Circus
The evening on the town was too short, and when the two of them returned, Nik found that Kim had written letters of apology. Kim had said that the vibe around the hosue had abeen a lot better, but in order to do a little ass kissing, she decided to write personal apology notes. There are plenty of situations where apology notes might be the right idea. Sorry I ran over your dog, sorry I slept with your wife, sorry I closed the oven door on your arm while you were making shrinky dinks (much funnier when it hasn’t happened to you). Kim’s apology, while a nice gesture, wasn’t going to be worth anything because Nik and Bre have named her the enemy, and they are more concerned about winning than making a new friend.
For their first photo shoot in London, the girls were told “It’s your call”. Hmm, would they be dressing up like phone sex operators? Sadly, no, they were just going to have their pictures taken while they were in a phone booth, but they would be naked, so I was still happy. The theme was that the paparazzi had found them backstage at a photo shoot and they ran outside naked (well, in their panties) and the only place to hide would be in the phone booth. Making this shoot more difficult was that the girls were all going to be in phone booth at the same time, meaning they would have to be fighting for their shot while all the other girls were crowded around them.
When I saw that the girls would all be stuck in a phone booth, I laughed because I had all of these jokes about girls not showering, or perhaps farting in the phone booth. I was imagining what I could have called a fart in a phone booth. Perhaps the “standing dutch oven”? But alas, these girls ruined my time. Poor Bre, she thought that she had left all of the disgusting bastards back home with the Wild Boyz, but she was wrong. One of the girls forgot to put on deodorant, and Lisa actually farted in the phone booth, and it smelled enough that some people were probably wishing she was still wearing her diaper from last week.
There were a lot of good pictures this week, and here they are:(click on pictures for larger images)
Soon it was time for judging and Tyra once again made the point on how they had to be on all the time. She mentioned that she got the idea for the passport photo shoot because she once got a job because she was sitting on a plane next to a photographer. When asked to see a picture, Tyra showed him her passport, and they guy called her agent the next day. Although those passport photos were used for the reward, the candid pictures that they were going to be judged on were the ones taken by the paparazzi once they got to their hotel.
The paparazzi pictures caught a lot of the girls in not so flattering poses. After the exercise with Kevin Frazier, you think that more of them would have been prepared, but that was not the case. Kim looked like she was going for a nose pick and Lisa looked like she had spent the last few months homeless. Nik, who I think is gorgeous in her photos, does not have the greatest dressed down look. Those glasses make those eyes of hers look more alien than alluring, and with her hair pulled back, it makes that mole next to her eye look more like a wart than a beauty mark. The only girl who looked good in her paparazzi shot was Jayla. She had the sunglasses on, a scarf, and looked like she was expecting them to be there.
Is Lisa just leaving, or about to see Courtney Love?
When talking about the actual photo shoot, the judges once again fawned over Kim, saying that it was beautiful, serene, and gorgeous. Again, I may be biased, but I am not into her. They keep on saying that Kim has that thing that you won’t forget her, but when “that thing” is “uncanny resemblance to Roseanne season 3″, I don’t think it is anything to write home about. Luckily for me, the judges are also fawning over Bre. I like her on the show because she’s outspoken without being too pretentious, and while it has taken her a little while to get up to speed with the modeling pictures, she has been getting better every week. I agree with glamorama, and it looks like the judges are setting up a Kim vs. Bre showdown.
Nik has been in the same place for a little while now. She is too reserved and doesn’t really have a ton of personality when she is in front of you, but her pictures are just too amazing to think about letting her go. One thing they did notice about Nik was that she has been doing all profile shots, and they want to see her full frontal, even if all of her clothes were on at the time. Lisa is sort of like Nik in that she always takes good pictures, but she does have that personality. It may be a love it or hate it sort of thing getting to know her, but I think once she is in front of the camera, she has been taking instructions well, and taking great shots. As Nigel said, the challenge for her was taking that striking look she has in her shoots and make that her look in the public domain.
The Dodgers haven’t looked this good since they left Brooklyn
Lastly, we have Jayla and Nicole. Both of these girls have the same problem in that they aren’t trying to make things happen. Jayla was criticized during her photo shoot because the photographer felt that she was lacking range. Nicole is gorgeous, especially when in makeup, but she also seems to be working on natural talent, and she has developed an attitude. It’s not quite a diva attitude where she thinks she is better than everybody else and wants to be the center of attention, but more like a spoiled brat who can’t take instructions.
The final two this week came down to Lisa and Jayla. I was not surprised to see either because Jayla easily took the worst shot in the phone booth, and Lisa’s paparazzi shot screamed Goldie Hawn at age 50 without the help of plastic surgery. The judges decided that they would stick with Lisa, and although she was the most emotionally invested in the whole competition, she really wasn’t that emotional when she left. I really liked Lisa, her attitude, and her look, but as it started coming down to the end of the competition, it would have been hard to imagine her as the fresh face of Cover Girl don’t you think?
Of the remaining girls, I think I am still backing Bre, and then Nik and Jayla, but I have to admit that none of these girls are, uh, “raising” me to the same levels of passion as Naima or Eva and Norelle before her. In fact, at this point, my vote would go to “Not Kim” above anything else.
Were you happy that Lisa went home? If there was a fight between Kim and Bre, who would you put your money on?