America’s Next Top Model: Who’s Got The Hooch?

In this week’s episode of ANTM, there’s a lot of bickering and bitching, a lot of people sticking their noses where they don’t belong, and a lot of accusations fly about everything from racism to fake tatas. It’s all in a day’s work!

“I do not get paid nearly enough.”

We open with the girls being dropped off after last week’s panel. They filter into the house and Marjorie’s picture is on a flat screen on the front wall. Someone with excellent photoshopping skills used a flowery font to overlay words of praise from the judges on top of the photo. Intelligent! Divine! Marvelous!

Based on the look on Tyra’s face, this week’s Tyra Mail is proudly cosponsored by the US Mail and Trojan.

“I’ll have what she’s having.”

“Don’t get it twisted, will you bend over backwards to be on top?” Isis reads to the class. Okay I can’t get over how the girls are not reading the Tyra Mails in unison. AND I LOVE IT. I hope they schemed and planned this to mess with production.

The next morning, the girls jet over to an abandoned warehouse in their “Eco-Friendly is Fierce!” bus. What do they find upon their arrival? Oh, you know, just the Hi-C Ecto Cooler version of Benny Ninja doing some crazy split stretch thing.

Standard.

Squeals and shrieks abound from the peanut gallery. Ninja instructs the girls that striking killer poses is the name of the game, and while sometimes they have to think outside the box, other times they need to think inside the box! He whirls around the podium he had been sitting on to reveal a small opening and the remains of the last model who failed to grasp the holy trifecta of the three Cs of posing. Catalogue! Commercial! Couture!

How do you feel right now? Dismembered.

Just kidding. Stretch Armstronga is actually alive and kicking, just crazy flexible. Apparently she’s a world-class model known for her extreme posing. Benny decides to check and see if any of the girls are good at playing human pretzel and whattya know? Sheena’s actually quite adept at spreading her legs. Now there’s a shocker.

Turns out that I was right about Trojan sponsoring this episode. This cycle, the tutorial from Ninja involves the girls posing inside giant condoms hanging from the ceiling. Okay, production may have used the term “fabric tubes” but clearly? Condoms. I don’t really see what their purpose is besides the fact that when the girls strike a particularly good pose, it elongates their shape.

For the most part, the girls just flail about inside the tubes and smush their faces against the red mesh. Hannah and Nikeysha struggle with their bodies while Isis can’t work with her face. Sheena gets kudos for her posing and she interprets this as a compliment that she’s model sexy, not hooch sexy. Yeah dollface, cause I see serious models like Klum walking around like this all the time:

Lesson #1: Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should.

At the house, more T-Mail. Something about learning a lesson and having it in the bag. Lauren Cheese says that the first thing that comes to mind is some sort of posing. Wow. Like we learned last week, this girl is quite the edumacated woman.

But all this posing and modeling and thinking gets quite tiring, so the girls decide to have a little soak in the hot tub. The talk immediately turns to truth or dare, turning on the only four straight guys in America that are watching this show right now because their girlfriends control the remote. Sheena – surprise, surprise – elects for a dare, but quickly clarifies that she will NOT do nudity. Right, because that classes up the hooch. You’re wearing the teeniest red string bikini on the planet, you’ve got a massive tramp stamp (might as well be a bullseye), something’s up with your boobies, your tongue is pierced, and any time a camera looks your direction you go all stomach-in, boobs-out, booty-out. But not being completely naked. That makes you a class act.

Clark gets dared to kiss Elina and it’s a pretty harmless peck (no tongue!) put in slo-mo by production in an attempt to make it seem like a bigger deal than it actually was, but Elina still glows over it in a post-interview. “I saw fireworks! She has very soft lips!” she gushes. Eh, I’m over it.

Most of the entertainment is coming from Hannah who is shocked by these blatant displays of sexuality. Apparently up in lil ol’ Alaska, darling Hannah wouldn’t be seen with Elina, Sheena, or Isis (translated from closemindedese: lesbians, sluts, or transgenders). Hannah uncomfortably wriggles around against the wall looking like she’s trying real hard not to pee in the pool while Isis floats around the hot tub and right into Hannah’s personal space. Hannah pushes Isis away from her and the girls awkwardly stop all conversation as Hannah exits the jacooze. I don’t necessarily see what the big deal was because it looked as if Isis didn’t realize that she was about to bump into Hannah and Hannah didn’t push her that hard.

But have no fear, there’s FAR more drama to be had inside the glass house! Sheena and Brittany confront Hannah about how uncomfortable they feel about the big push. Instead of saying “Mind your own beez, it doesn’t really involve you,” Hannah decides it would be wise to dig herself in even deeper. I’ll direct quote her here, just so her words don’t get lost in translation: “I’m like the stereotypical white person. I don’t really like rap music. I’m not really loud. I’m not going to walk into a room and be like ‘HEYYY!!!’”

“Oh no you didn’t girl!”

Brittany and Sheena actually don’t fly off the handle and treat the situation pretty responsibly. They advise Hannah that she needs to be more cautious with her words and that she should probably be aware of her audience. Hannah tears up and cries foul because she thinks that Sheena and Brittany were trying to get a reaction out of her. Oh Hannah, you are so misguided.

I thought Christmas was gonna come early this year with Brittany and Sheena acting so responsible, but nope, the next day they tattle about Hannah to the rest of the house. To be fair, they more or less accurately relayed her comments, but still, if anyone’s got beef with Hannah, shouldn’t it be Isis?

Isis, meanwhile, has to give herself injections to keep up with her hormone therapy and asks Analeigh to help distract her from the pain. Analeigh sweetly accompanies her into the bathroom and does some cutely dorky chicken impressions. I’m mostly curious about the location of said injections. First, they don’t look that forceful. Second, the upper thigh? Is that where normal injections go? Oh Top Model, you keep me asking the big important questions.

Enough she-said-she-said drama! It’s off to the challenge we go. Ninja greets the girls and tells them that they’ll be auditioning for Tarina Tarantino, a handbag and jewelry designer with no relation to Quentin, from what I can tell. Wikipedia pulls up that TT is quite a big deal in the jewelry and accessories world and has even had a Barbie doll modeled in her likeness. Well color me impressed, Tarina! However, I’d be a wee bit more impressed if you weren’t rocking a hot pink wig a la Britney in her craziest days.

The girls get to play muse for TT, and the one who models the handbags and accessories wins a handbag full of glam accessories. Well let’s watch this one blow up in everyone’s faces, shall we? Some of my personal favorites from the Awkward Hall of Fame: Lauren decides to model a bag not much bigger than a deck of cards and drapes it over her knee. Brittany almost falls off the couch. Hannah perches a bag on a chandelier. Joslyn puts a bag on her toes, so the next five girls do the exact same thing and their lack of originality irks TT. Nikeysha cautions that she’s really gotta use the little girls room, so she just may pee all over herself. In her shortest booty shorts, Sheena says that posing is all about being in balance and in sync, just like feng shui.

More like fuck shui

Sheena, I like you, I’m impressed by your potential and think you might have what it takes to be on top, but you need to stop taking the “be on top” part so literally!

Surprisingly, Sheena is not an auditioning for a part on Entourage as the masseuse at Johnny Drama’s local rub and tug.

Benny and Tarina are not enthused. Elina pulls out the win and feels really good about it. Back at the casa, the fiftieth (okay, third) Tyra mail of the episode arrives. Something about how being on top involves climbing a ladder. There’s a little footnote for Sheena letting her know that she should not interpret this as an invitation to screw her way up the ladder.

But we can’t just let this day be done with before harping on Hannah’s ignorant comments once again. Hannah’s all, don’t say something behind my back that you wouldn’t say to my face. So she gets her wish. Nikeysha calls Hannah in to confront and leads her argument with, “I know I wasn’t there, but….” Hannah’s bugged by the way that the girls are dealing with the issue and would have preferred for Sheena and Brittany to have said something to her at the time. Now I hardly agree with Hannah’s sheltered views, but I’m with her on this one. When girls gang up to confront someone else in front of a lot of other people, it’s the height of immaturity. I’ve been in Hannah’s shoes and it’s a completely infuriating situation.

Joslyn asks Hannah if she’s racist and she says she’s not, which I genuinely buy. There’s a difference between racist and ignorant. When Hannah ducks out of the room to have a cry, Marjorie tries to defend her by saying that she probably feels ambushed. Hannah sobs about it while Analeigh comforts her and hits the nail on the head “They just needed something to talk about.” Crying herself a nice little river, Hannah maintains that this attack on her is like “Gang rape. Or gang violence.” Oh reality TV drama. Every time, it’s the same thing. You make me choose between the lesser of two ridiculous evils and I just can’t do it! Yet I come running back for more. You’re like the bad ex-boyfriend that I never had.

Hoolia says enough! It’s time for the shoot and the girls learn that they’ll be posing while dangling off a ladder hanging onto a hot air balloon. Gotta love the crafty and original ways that production recycles the “lets test how the girls dangle off something” shoot. Of course, the producers dropped the ball on this one because it’s too windy for the shoot to work. A quick fix subs in a crane to hold up the ladder instead of a hot air balloon.

Lauren Cheese goes first and makes me eat my words a little bit. This week, she’s not as forgettable and totally rocks the shoot. Jay is absolutely thrilled and squeals his praise at her. Elina draws comparisons to Angelina Jolie.

The camera skips back to get a glimpse of Hannah backstage and you gotta love the camera work on this one:

And how do you feel right now? Like a rejected and dejected mannequin head.

Analeigh – looking AWESOME with stick straight hair – struggles to relax her face. Sheena… well, I’ll just let Mr. Jay speak for Sheena. “If you can hold onto the rungs without your arms or legs, that’s a problem! Butt cheeks typically aren’t the best thing to grab onto a ladder with.” Sam can’t work the garment and McKey switches up her poses too fast for the photographer to catch them. Marjorie shows up with long, long extentions and looks like an entirely different person.

Back at the house, the girls fret about panel like they do every week, but it’s particularly hysterical because they’ve all on all their glam eye makeup from the shoot. Hannah decides to have a little one-on-one therapy session with Catwoman.

“So tell me how you really feel…”

Panel time. And I was right! Mizz Jay is rocking a necklace that says “13″ and Tyra explains exactly what that means for the girls that rode over on the short bus. TT’s been called up to guest judge.

Analeigh’s up first.

Nigel feels the photo is beautiful but lacks commitment and Paulina can see that Analeigh’s overthinking it. TT thinks it’s flawless.

Nigel uses the term “full figured” and Tyra doles out the valuable tip that shiny fabric creates lumps and bulges even on girls like Sam who don’t have any. Tyra and Mizz Jay love her moves, though.

Nigel raves about the angles. Mizz Jay doesn’t like the petrified look on Hannah’s face and Nigel agrees.

Before Tyra reveals Nikeysha’s best shot, she asks her a real personal question. Oooo, Tyra, whipping out those interviewing skills that you’ve been polishing up on the Tyra Banks show! Tyra asks Nikeysha about her eating habits. “You think I’m too-too skinny?” Nikeysha asks. That’s a big fat yes from the judges. Or a big fat cheeseburger, which in the words of Mizz Jay, is exactly what Nikeysha needs along with some fried chicken and a watermelon chaser. I don’t know what a watermelon chaser is, but it sounds quite delightful. Moving along, Paulina likens Nikeysha’s best shot to a paper bag with pipe cleaners coming out of it and if it wasn’t for Nikeysha’s stunning face, Paulina would give her the axe. Nigel goes so far as to suggest that Nikeysha’s pictures would need reverse retouching to make her arms and legs look bigger.

Oooooooo, the judges love, love, love! TT thinks it looks like a broken doll, which we all know from Mizz Jay is the ultimate compliment for a model. Tyra thinks the photo could work for Dior or Vuitton campaigns.

Nigel loves it but thinks McKey’s face looks too cartoonish. Paulina elaborates – McKey looks like the lovechild of Poison Ivy and the Joker. Tyra repeats Jay’s criticism of how McKey switched poses too quickly at the shoot.

Before Tyra posts Clark’s best shot, Mizz Jay criticizes her funny-looking skin. “Maybe I went a little overboard with the powder and the bronzer,” Clark admits. The judges love Clark’s face in the shot. Tyra thinks that the photo has an international feel to it. Hoolia says, really? This just seems like a slightly softer version of the sneer that she had in last week’s photo.

Tyra’s not so pleased with Isis’s wardrobe choice for panel, calling it very elementary school. Nigel and Tyra approve of the shot, specifically noting Isis’ strong and confident face. Paulina thinks it’s a disaster because there’s no shape and Isis appears to just be hanging there.

Lots of ooo-la-las from the judges. Nigel praises the confidence in Marjorie’s face. Tyra accurately assesses that Marjorie is a chameleon. Let’s hope that being dubbed a chameleon doesn’t turn out the same way it for Aimee last cycle.

Tyra thinks it’s stunning and Nigel loves how Elina seems in control.

Mizz Jay confirms her position as my favorite person ever to grace top model by claiming that Sheena’s hoochie shorts and tight tank make her look like “Victoria’s Secretions.” HA! Tyra tells her that if Sheena moves on, she needs to cover up for next week. As for the shot, TT thinks that it looks goddesslike and beautiful. Paulina comes right out with the million dollar question, asking Sheena if her breasts are fake. WHOA THERE PAULINA! I actually didn’t even think of it until Paulina brought it up, but now that it’s been brought to my attention, yeah, I can see that. “No, ma’am. They’re just really big,” Sheena defends herself. Paulina argues that it’s not the size that seems fake, it’s their placement. Hmmmm…

Nigel feels that Brit’s photo is pretty but average. Tyra calls it high-end catalogue.

TT thinks that Joslyn looks effortless. Tyra loves how Joslyn has a modeling style that comes off as very strong and powerful but is fearful that she’ll become too comfortable with it and look aggressive in every shot.

And that’s all we’ve got to hear before the judges deliberate… or is it? Sheena comes forth with an announcement: lo and behold, her boobies are fake. Apparently, Sheena made a foolish decision at a young age. Sweetie, you’re only 21. Take it from me, dear – there are many more foolish decisions in your future. Tyra applauds Sheena for her honesty while Nigel’s applause seems a bit less sincere.

Still cute, even when he’s mocking.

Tyra calls the top 12: Lauren Cheese – with what the judges call one of the top five photos in Top Model history, Elina, Joslyn, Marjorie, McKey, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittany, Analeigh. Nikeysha and Isis are left in the bottom two. While Tyra explains that Nikeysha had mediocre film, she tries to interrupt Tyra yet again but Tyra has had enough and cuts her off by demanding her to listen. Isis doesn’t look like a model which leads the judges to think that maybe her pictures are just a fluke. Nikeysha immediately starts talking about how it just wasn’t meant to be and now she’s just going to go home and be an anesthesiologist. “And that’s why you’re going home, too,” Tyra adds for good measure. Ah, bitchy Tyra, come out and play more often! She retracts it saying it was a joke but Tyra gives some Momma Banks wisdom – there’s truth in jest. Nikeysha continues to run her mouth and Tyra cuts her off “This is Isis’ moment so you need to be quiet for a little bit.” Looooves it! A producer with a hysterical sense of humor lets Nikeysha’s closing remarks about how she talks to much ramble on well into the credits. Oh, this is by far the best final few minutes of ANTM that I can remember.

Well kids, that’s all for this week. Nikeysha totally had to go, right? Did you think Isis performed poorly enough to justify her position in the final two? Were you surprised that Lauren Cheese popped out of the woodwork with an amazing shot? Are as many of you still on Team Sheena after this week’s episode? Do you think she’s really going to be able to tone down the hooch? And most importantly… I’m welcoming any and all guesses that you might have about who gets what looks in the makeovers. Hasta next week!