Yaya Is Intelligent – in a Dumb Sort of Way

America's Next Top Model

By B-Side | Thursday, December 9, 2004 | 10:47 am | 30 Comments

Was it me, or did last night’s America’s Next Top Model appear to be strikingly similar to The Amazing Race? After all, we had four models (not dating though) meandering around the streets of a foreign city, eventually getting lost and missing obvious locations. If Phil Koegan had popped up, I wouldn’t have been surprised – although I would have been pleasantly amused.

For those of you just tuning in, the Asian odyssey of Ann, Eva, Yaya, and Amanda continued in full force as the gals dove into the wonderful world of Japanese street fashion, which is sort of like American punk except with pastels and a dash of pedophilia. Unfortunately, we never got to see Tyra slip into one of these ensembles, but I assume that’s because her beluga-ish forehead has no place in Japanimation.Before we could explore Japanese culture, however, we had to deal with some standard, show-opening bickering. Ann and Eva welcomed us to the hour with a heated discussion about makeup. Eva claimed that she doesn’t often wear cosmetics – a statement that Ann felt was highly suspect. “You DO wear makeup!” she balked with such intensity you would think they were discussing Roe v. Wade. There’s been a lot of anti-Eva sentiment from Ann recently, and I think we can chalk that up to Eva being the only girl left with two different vowels in her name (“and sometimes Y” is unacceptable to Yaya).

Anyway, the girls learned that they would be partaking in Japanese street fashion, thus prompting Yaya to do a little hip-hop dance. Uh, Yaya, I don’t think they meant that sort of “street.” Last time I checked, Japan wasn’t known for its contributions to the Vibe Music Awards (and Planet Asia doesn’t count). Nevertheless, the Fabulous Foursome headed on over to a spunky expert on street fashion who schooled them in the Lolita aspirations of every Japanese hipster. When the models weren’t pretending to understand what the lady was saying, they were appreciating this whole new fashion world. Ann was impressed with the woman’s “Mr. Potato Head Hat” while Yaya remained impressed with Yaya. The expert then had the models piece together an ensemble, and frankly, I was shocked that Yaya didn’t try to work a dashiki into the mix.

After this crash course in crazy non-Western (and therefore bad and scary) fashion, the women were then handed down their first mission. They were given 20,000 yen to buy an ensemble from four different stores and model it at the Milk Showroom at 6 pm promptly. Oh, and because the producers need to pay the bills, they were given T-Mobile Sidekicks to help them navigate the mean streets of Tokyo. Amazingly enough, they were not contacted by Snoop Dogg or Big Boi or Paris Hilton or Molly Shannon (who according to the commercials, all call each other whenever they want to know what a pat of butter is or when to add fabric softener).

Around this time, the show jumped into Amazing Race mode as a the screen split into quarters and a digital clock showed us how much time was left in the mission. Eva had immense difficulty with the street signs, registering disbelief that “a lot of the characters were written in Japanese!” Well, that’s a shocker! I fully expected Hebrew! Eventually Eva began pestering the local population for assitance, and when she was shunned, she simply yelled out: “Speak English, people!” And yet, even though she demanded it, no one became suddenly fluent in English. I guess maybe she thought they were speaking Japanese as a joke?

With ten minutes until the deadline, world traveler Yaya tempted fate and went on a Kimono shopping spree. Yes, this might seem careless, but you see, Yaya once saw a map of Tokyo, so she now has an intimate knowledge of the streets. Well, unfortunately for her, she showed up to the Milk showroom two minutes too late, and like a Japanese student watching the school gate close, Yaya was uniformly denied. My favorite part of all this (other than watching Yaya fail) was how the designers deemed her actions “unacceptable” while carrying big, polite smiles on their faces. That’s some solid repressed rage.

Ultimately Eva won the competition with her nicely accessorized, Hello Kitty-friendly look. Her strategy? “Find things that don’t go together and look really stupid.” Mmmm… culture clash. Back at the homestead, Yaya bathed her disqualified ass and rationalized why her lack of punctuality was okay after all. “My non-presence [aka 'absence'] gave someone else a chance to win,” she explained. Well, that was kind of her! Not everyone is big enough to accidentally be kicked out of the competition so that someone else might benefit. Hooray for Yaya!

Meanwhile, Eva chose her rocky life partner Ann to join her for the reward. The two met Mikimoto, who’s this guy who’s Japanese and… uh… is important and… wears a suit. While I scratched my head like Norelle at a Panda Express menu, the models had a lovely meal with Mr. Mikimoto before they went down to his jewelry showroom. So he’s a jeweler. I mean… oh THAT Mikimoto, of course I knew who he was! I mean, Mikimoto! Come on! Anyhoo, I’ll just be over here in the corner.

Well, Mikimoto was kind enough to give Eva and Ann pearl necklaces. You know, right there on their chests. It was pretty impressive that he could give two pearl necklaces one right after the other. I’m sure they’ll always remember the time they got pearl necklaces on national television.

When the girls returned to the dojo, Yaya insisted that she was not jealous. No, she just felt like glowering from the corner and being silent and withdrawn. Luckily, she had a chance to shine the next day when everyone met up with our favorite passive aggressive photo coach, Jay Manuel for a Japanimé style shoot. In a puzzling moment, the girls rode an elevator up to meet Jay, and when the doors opened, they all jumped back in surprise. Now, I know this is super picky/nerdy blogger of me, but how could they be startled by elevator doors? Do they not have floor indicators in Japan? Models really are dumb.

Anyway, right off the bat Jay was ready with an unnecessary put down of Ann when he snickered “You better be lucky you still in this competition.” Aw, what a guy! Most jerks would have said something like “Ann, I know you’ve been struggling; we’ll get it right this time,” but being supportive and friendly is sooo lame.

Maybe Jay should have taken a cue from the metaphor-mincing Jay Alexander, aka the potbellied cross dresser who popped up again last night for no apparent reason beyond a free trip to Japan. Jay Alexander’s pep talk to Ann was très insightful: “I have a habit of throwing you the kitchen sink, and you never throw me back a bathtub. You throw me back bath water. Splash! Oooh!” Hmmm… the plumbing analogy is all wrong. I would have gone with “I always throw you a toilet, and you just throw me back a turd.” In other news, Jay Alexander is currently in the hospital recovering from injuries sustained when Janice Dickinson hurled a bidet at him (she thought he was Un-Cocaine).

Amanda was first on the shoot, which involved posing on a motorcycle. She seemed to have it down pat, making Jay Manuel quite happy. Yaya was next, and while she had a misstep with the competition the day before, she knew she would triumph this time “being an intelligent black woman.” Until we have seen evidence to the contrary, Yaya is now prohibited from bragging about her intelligence.

The emotionally drained Ann took to the motorcycle, but she soon had a mini-breakdown as the Jay Manuel-induced insecurities got the better of her. “I don’t belong here,” she cried. “Doesn’t this remind you of something?” asked Jay. “It’s the Matrix!” Uh, what? A) How is that supposed to make her feel better; B) How is that supposed to help the shoot?; and C) How is this the Matrix? It was filmed in Sydney. And last time I checked, Carrie Ann Moss wasn’t dressed in bright pink and blue. Later Jay scoffed that every time he gave her a visualization, she just never picked up on it. That tends to happen if the image has nothing to do with anything.

The next day, Tyra waltzed into the girl’s living quarters with her usual “What’s up girlfriends! It’s me, Tyra Banks!” attitude. Was she delivering Tyra mail in person? Or maybe going to just talk about herself a little more? Neither. Instead she wanted to talk about how being on the road can really make you homesick. Awww. It’s gonna be like Survivor where the loved ones come to visit. “Well, here’s…” Tyra started as the girls’ faces all lit up. “…my mom!” Oh. That’s nice. You do realize Tyra that your mom is not the mother to these girls, right?

Anyway, Tyra’s Biggest Loser of a mother greeted all the girls and then joined her daughter with one on one sessions with everyone. There was nothing particularly interesting about these except the stultifying number of tears shed. Yaya’s cheeks wear shiny with her saline emissions as she bellowed that she’s not just a pretty face, she can write well too! She’s an intelligent black woman!!! Later, after everyone had consulted a Kleenex or two, the group headed out to dinner with Tyra’s Japanese family. I don’t really understand either.

Finally it was time for the dreaded panel – aka Ann Smackdown 2004. Prior to appearing before the judges, Ann noted how stressful it was because no one ever knew who would be going home each week. Yeah, um, it’s pretty obvious that you’re going home, Ann. There wasn’t too much that was notable about the panel this week. Nigel Barker – aka Chicken Run – was up to his usual comments like “Your leg looks chunky” and Janice continued to babble in her drug-induced hyperstate. Basically everyone bashed Ann for being completely incompetent and stupid and ugly and boring and passionless and afraid to admit her favorite band was Motley Crüe. By the time the judges sent everyone out to deliberate, Ann’s self-esteem was about as large as Yaya’s valuation of modesty.

Eventually, it was time for Tyra to round up the troops and eliminate someone. “Amanda, I’m not going to critique you tonight,” Tyra said solemnly. “I want you to critique yourself.” Oooh. Way to throw down the gauntlet. If I were Amanda, I would just say “Uh, you do realize I’m blind, don’t you? I have no idea what I look like.”

Tyra gave Amanda and Yaya passes and then let Eva and Ann squirm under the magnifying glass. Tyra put on her Super Special Grave voice and to illustrate the importance of her comments, she made sure to stretch out all words, as in “It’s always oth-er people” or “You have to look in-side.” Tha-ank you, Ty-ra. She LOVES sylla-bles.

Ultimately, Ann inevitably got the ax. It was a mildly sad moment, especially when Ann hugged Yaya and Amanda, but not Eva. That was cold, Ann. Jay Manuel would have been proud.

About

30 Comments

  1. 1
    Nixah
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 2:25 pm

    The more you call Nigel “Chicken Run”, the more he reminds me of – Rocky the rooster. Hilarious! On the Yaya front, I work in an office full of “Yayas”. How I haven’t jumped from the roof yet, is beyond me.

  2. 2
    Madeleine
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 3:47 pm

    Poor, Yaya. She hasn’t figured out that her Ivy League education qualifies her for nothing more than talking about her Ivy League education. And, being a Columbia grad myself, I unfortunately know from whence I speak. Get over it, Toots … and go Eva!!!

  3. 3
    SugarRei
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 6:19 pm

    Maybe Ann can now try her luck at a role in Batman – she did some wicked two-face action – looping arms with Eva so that she could score the trip to see the mysterious important guest – hello free stuff! — and then snubbing the Diva during her grand exit. Sayonara Ann! Don’t let the sliding Japanese door hit you on the way out!

  4. 4
    Lady J
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 7:45 pm

    “Well, Mikimoto was kind enough to give Eva and Ann pearl necklaces. You know, right there on their chests. It was pretty impressive that he could give two pearl necklaces one right after the other. I’m sure they’ll always remember the time they got pearl necklaces on national television.”

    :rolls eyes: :purses lips: :raises an eyebrow: Imagine what your mom would look like if she heard you say that.

    :meanders off to mind own business:

  5. 5
    mick
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 8:49 pm

    Ann still rules for me…I certainly would have liked to see more of Japan’s street life than Tyra and her mother’s weave auditioning for UPN’s next Dr.Phil and his wife combo. Ya Ya has more zits than a crew photo of The Popeye’s franchise. Wow? Amanda is almost blind? I’ve been watching all season and I missed that…Gotta root for Eva now, I’m sure I’ll be disappointed as usual.

  6. 6
    B-side's mom
    Posted December 10, 2004 at 7:00 am

    That pearl necklace joke was the best, dear. I nearly peed! Keep up the good work, and don’t forget to brush your teeth!

  7. 7
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted December 10, 2004 at 10:55 am

    I had pity for Ann until she pulled that BS move on the Diva. I hope she gets hit by a rickshaw on her way to the airport.

    GO DIVA EVA!!!

  8. 8
    jash
    Posted December 10, 2004 at 12:45 pm

    eww, you tell jokes like that with your mother?

    btw, syllables has THREE. not TWO syll-a-bles.

    i bet yaya knows that.

  9. 9
    Ananda Fan
    Posted December 10, 2004 at 4:07 pm

    ooh shnapz! dat thing bout pearl neclazez r hott!!!

  10. 10
    Jasmin
    Posted December 12, 2004 at 11:13 pm

    I didn’t get the pearl necklace joke.

    Anywho, I was really, really sad to see Ann leave. Ann is my favorite along with some others (Nicole, Norelle, Amanda, Eva). I was crying the whole episode for her since I knew she would leave and from some of the things she was crying about as well. I don’t really think Ann was the right choice to eliminate. I still think it should have been Yaya, but I still like Yaya. I thought Ann had the best picture. If I got to know anyone on the show, it would be Ann. It seems a lot of people dislike her, but I find Ann to be very nice, pretty, funny, and she has a great personality. I was so sad to see Ann go. I went into the ANTM chat room after that show and some mean people were bashing on Ann and I couldn’t even fight back since I was so sad. Of course now I can though *evil smirk* Ah well, basically, Ann should not have gone for she had done the best that time, and all that Ann bashing on the show was just depressing.

    I was really happy when Ann and Eva found each other on the streets. I said a little “yay” to myself. I hope Ann and Eva have worked out everything. I did find it strange why Ann was a bit mad at Eva, but I’m sure there had to be a reason. I like Eva though, of course, she’s so nice and funny.

    Anyway, I think Amanda will win ANTM. I chose her from the beginning to win… I’ve chosen the winner right so far from the beginning every time so I hope I’m right this time. Eva is second, Yaya third.

    For my ANTM site, go to…. (with no spaces…)

    www. freewebs. com/ antmfan/

  11. 11
    Mel
    Posted December 14, 2004 at 11:32 am

    Anne is an absolute goddess!!! Those judges have no idea, hope she doesnt pay too much attention to their merciless sniping of her longterm.

    It wasnt fair to ‘constructively critique’ her attitude to posing just prior to the big street shoot with the bike. Jay and the other effiminate one thought they were helping poor Anne but it worked just the opposite way by making her feel more insecure. It gave the others an unfair advantage. It was obvious she would be eliminated given the bias of the panel against her, sad sad sad.

    Plus, i can’t stand Tyra Banks ‘high and mighty’ attitude, those pep talks, words of so-called ‘wisdom’ to the girls make me wanna gag. And whats with that drugged up has been witch who always seems off her face on the judging panel, whats with her? She seems to hate on the girls cos they’re beautiful young things in they’re prime. Kick her off!!

    Anyway, hope Anne pursues modelling as a career cos she is the hottest woman i’ve seen on that show with a great personality, attitude and to top it off, the most beautiful gorgeous eyes.

    If anyone has a contact email address for Anne, please let me know, thanks.

  12. 12
    jhgjhj hfd
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 6:31 pm

    I am so glad that eva the diva won because she was my girl from number one and I am really glad that she beat that ya ya

  13. 13
    kiilu
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 6:37 pm

    Shame on you Ann for dissing the champ . You knew it was coming . Yaya get over your self . Everyone else has . Eva i am so happy for you . I honestly cant believe just about all of those girls were so jealous of you . Congradulation ! Eva ! Eva ! Eva!

  14. 14
    kiilu
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 6:50 pm

    Oh yeah , Amanda it is unbelievable how much you and Yaya are so much alike . There is a saying , ” treat others the way you would want them to treat you “. I hope Queen Eva the Diva’s defeat over the both of you is a slap in both your faces !

  15. 15
    Jasmin
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 8:00 pm

    Ah, Eva won, not who I predicted, but she’s a good person to win. I wanted Amanda to win, and I was very surprised not to see her in the final two. When they called Yaya up first, I was like whoa, out of the people I predicted to be first and second, one will be eliminated. Then I knew it was Amanda to be gone since all the spoilers said Eva would win and blah blah blah and I pretty much would have guessed Eva would beat Yaya. Well, I’m happy for Eva, she was a very great model and being the shortest, she sure proved she can work it. Nice job Eva.

    No spaces, but anyway…:
    www. freewebs. com/ antmfan/

  16. 16
    Jasmin
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 8:03 pm

    Oh, and about all this Ann, Amanda, and Yaya hating, there’s really no point in dissing people. They were all great models and they were all very kind. Ann never really dissed Eva and even though she didn’t hug her, there was the whole reason of her being upset with Eva for her talking about herself a lot, and also kiilu, I don’t get how you’re saying Amanda and Yaya are mean and need to treat others the way they want to be treated. They were very nice people. Anyway, yes, Eva was very kind as well and it’s good that she won. =)

  17. 17
    MIRANDA
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 8:38 pm

    YAYA I LOVE YOU GIRL AND I PRAYING YOU WOULD HAVE WON BUT DONT LET IT GET YOU DOWN KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!! I LOVE YOU GURL KEEP IN TOUCH E-MAIL ME @ MIRANDA_WRKS@YAHOO.COM

  18. 18
    MIRANDA
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 8:40 pm

    NOBODY BETTER HATE ON YAYA CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS SHE’S PRETTY AND SHOULD HAVE WON BUT THE BEST LUCK TO EVA!!!!

  19. 19
    Shawnie
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 8:58 pm

    Eve is the one and only she beat all of them now who hateing

  20. 20
    Becky
    Posted December 15, 2004 at 11:03 pm

    Hello all! I just came online to find information on who won…I’m glad Eva won, even though I was rooting for Amanda, all the way! Go Amanda, keep your head high your my Top Model chick! Your so hot, and you did a totally rad job. I was psyched to see you make it as far as you did! ciao!

  21. 21
    Heather
    Posted December 16, 2004 at 8:07 am

    Hello, my girl Eva won, congratulation she deserves it, I picked Eva from the moment she step before the judges. With Eva what you see is what you get ¦¦¦ not like the other girl who only pretended for the camera. you go girl!

  22. 22
    GO EVA
    Posted December 16, 2004 at 8:11 am

    I am so glad that Eva won. She was the prettiest out of all of them. I knew feom the start that she would win. She’s great. Everybody was just hating because they was jealous of her. They wanted to be her. I am so glad she beat YaYa, because that chick should have went home first, she is so conceited. GO EVA, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!

  23. 23
    SHEILA
    Posted December 16, 2004 at 4:11 pm

    Glad Eva won. From the beginning the girls were intimadated by her. Ann started mess with Eva when she was being told how bad she did. So she wanted Eva to be upset and unable to perform at her best. The girls tired to get her off her game but that’s a true diva not matter what the show goes on.

  24. 24
    INDIE
    Posted December 16, 2004 at 8:29 pm

    THE WORLD AND AMTM JUST IS NOT READY FOR A REAL STRONG BLACK WOMEN-THEY CAN SIMPLY SETTLE FOR THAT FAKE ASS EVA-SHE OBVIOUSLY IS NOT COMPLETELY BLACK-SO WE STILL HAVE YET FOR A REAL BLACK WOMAN TO WIN-YAYA SHOULD HAVE WON BUT THE WORLD IS NOT READY FOR HER SHE TRUELY IS BEAUTIFUL AND WILL PREVAIL DISPITE ALL THE HATERS!

  25. 25
    NC27534
    Posted December 17, 2004 at 11:52 am

    I completely agree with you INDIE.. You took the words right out of my mouth.. We still haven’t had a Black top model win… Of course fake black Tyra had to try and please white society so instead of picking a “real” black person, Yaya (who might have been a little arrogant, but for one: you kinda earn that right when u win just about every competition.. and two: Eva had her way of trying to mask her insecurities by being a “Diva” but nobody wants to criticize her, but when Yaya uses confidence to mask her insecurites then everybody has a problem with it).. Tyra thinks she was slick by picking Eva because she thinks black people are gonna be like: “Oh wow, a black girl finally won.. I’m happy.. whether another black girl wins or not, I’m just happy that one won”… that’s what she thinks everybody is thinking.. She thinks that now she can relax because a black girl won now she doesn’t feel any pressure to pick one again.. But TYRA you haven’t picked a black Top Model yet.. You picked Eva… I hate when people like Tyra try to claim “blackness” when it’s beneficial for them but then at the drop of a dime they’re back to fitting a mold (She had such a problem with Yaya being Afrocentric.. you could tell.. because Tyra’s so used to being white.. So Tyra had to choose… “Should I pick a black woman or a tomboy.. hmm.. I think I’ll pick the tomboy.. society will accept a tomboy over a strong, educated black woman.. and plus, she’ll be competition for me.. she’s even smarter than me.. I think I’ll pick Eva.. She’s short and dumb.. No competition for me”).. I’m tired of people on these kind of shows picking a light-skinned, half white person and thinking that blacks are supposed to be happy.. I used to love Tyra, but i’m slowly disliking her more and more.. but, I LOVE Janice Dickinson even more now… She said on EXTRA that the wrong girl won the competition.. She said that Yaya should have won but she was overruled by Tyra as usual (Even Janice Dickinson can appreciate black beauty and she’s white.. Tyra is a disgrace).. and what made it so funny was that Eva was standing a few inches from Janice while she was talking about her.. I love Janice.. I hope Eva, the big-nostril boy fails miserably and Yaya gets all the deal… GO YAYA!!!

  26. 26
    kara
    Posted December 18, 2004 at 12:36 pm

    First of all, I have to say that I completely disagree with NC27534. Just because Eva doesnt act all afrocentric like YaYa does not make her any less of a strong black female. You dont have to showcase your blackness to be considered as being a black individual. Being a black women myself, I feel as Eva sympbolizes a beautiful black woman in every way. Everybody always saying that people are just hating on Ya Ya, but then they turn around and say that they hope Eva fails miserably. That is a very immature and ignorant thing to say. What ever happen to sticking by our black people, no matter if they are 1% black or 100% black. This competition was about being able to fit into the modeling career, focusing on beauty and personality. Not what person is more black than the next.

  27. 27
    re re
    Posted December 18, 2004 at 9:15 pm

    Congraulations Eva I am so glad you won. Especially since Ann was hating on you.

  28. 28
    Margie Brooke Stinson
    Posted December 21, 2004 at 8:56 am

    Eva, dont worry about that, there is always someone who is going to have something negative to say about you. NC27534,everything is not a race thing like kara has said. Try not to put so much emphasis on that. Amanda had great photos as well as Eva and Yaya. If your going to focus on race why not become egalatarian and represent for both Eva and Yaya. Eva considered herself to be black if she hadn’t then you would hate her even more. To call her a big-nostrilled boy was very crucial. As a matter of fact,read our history we are not 100% of African descent. What if someone told you that you weren’t truly black because your not African-American.

  29. 29
    Margie Brooke Stinson
    Posted December 21, 2004 at 9:00 am

    Sorry i have made a mistake, how would you like it if i told you that you weren’t truly black because your African-American.

  30. 30
    siera
    Posted December 24, 2004 at 3:48 pm

    i love anh

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