Amish Mafia – Dear Santa. Love, The Mafia

Recaps

By AshSmash | Saturday, December 29, 2012 | 7:24 pm | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Amish Mafia, Recaps

Hello guys! 

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I turned on my TV this past Wednesday all excited to see Esther- The-Fester go on a date with Levi, but alas, I was wrong. 

Instead there was a THREE HOUR EPISODE. Really, Discovery? And basically the entire thing was all of the episodes shown before compiled into 3 hours. I didn’t really understand it. So, instead of recapping something we’ve already seen and recapped before, I wanted to write what I thought would be the Mafia’s letters to Santa!

 

 

Levi:

Dear Lebanon Santa,

Hey it’s me Levi! (Obviously) I run a nifty little group called The-My-Little-Pony-Lovers-Club, but we want to be seen as manly so we call it the Amish Mafia. I’m the head honcho of the group so naturally, I should get all the presents and I’ll distribute them out to everyone else, comprende? 

First off, I would like a complete collection of all of the My Little Pony DVD’s. Oh and a DVD player. Cause you know, I’m Amish and all that jazz. HAHA. L O L. Could you also provide me with some electricity so I can use the DVD player? HAHA JUST PULLIN’ YOUR BEARD, SANTA! Get it?!?! Sighhhhhhh, no wonder Esther loves me. 

I’m sure you know about Esther, right? She is the Cheese to my Macaroni. The Slurpee to my 7-Eleven. The Kim Kardashian to my Kanye. You get the picture. I love her so so so so much. So, I need you to send me some little Santa magic so I can date her. I also need a new hat. Can’t have my premature balding head getting sunburned. Gotta look good for tha ladiesssss (Esther) 

So, I’m running out of thing to ask you for. Our business (wink wink) is going well. I could use some rims for my Caddy. And Esther. She is just so beautimous that I can hardly stand it. OOOOO, just thought of something else. I need some new sunglasses. When I be ridin’ dirty around Lancaster, I’ll need something to shield my eyes from being so fly. That way I can’t see my HATER$. Johnny Boy needs to go too. But leave me Esther. Got that? Get rid of John, give me Esther. BA-DA-BING BA-DA-BOOM. We Amish burn our trash. 

Sincerely,

I’ve Been A Very Good Boy – Levi

 

 

Jolin:

Dear AK-47 Claus,

Jo here. I don’t really want much for Christmas. Except some guns. Like, a lot of them. And could you get John off my back? I’m tired of haulin’ him around in my nice truck. It’s nice, isn’t it? I know it is. When you put my glock’s and 45′s under the tree, I want them with a big bow wrapped around them. Yeah Yeah. I’m mennonite so I can have guns. So in reality, I should be the head honcho of this Mafia. Hey, I have more guns then Levi. 

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AshSmash
About

Just your average college student with a guilty pleasure for reality TV. I love bacon and cheesy one liners. 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    JT HUNT
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Dear Santa, baby:
    Could you please fix Jolin’s \check engine\ light that comes on every time he is driving in Lebanon, PA… you know, Santa–his cool \ride\ (johnsim)… that awesome black on black on black chevy Duramax, with upgrades on a stock tranny. Yum! Maybe that kicka$$ buggy is in need of a torque converter and launching in 4×4 so he can wipe out those Nep amish (fake amish) on the road side [stand] Anywaaayyyyy, he is missing an upgrade, and don’t forget to try to fix that \check engine\ light
    Thanks, love and all that,
    JT

    P.S. maybe a new grill for Jolin’s sexy truck– smash up Esthers grillz in it. Maybez. Anywayz.

    Put a box on it!

  2. 2
    Robin Robin
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Mr. Santa,

    My bonnet, as you know, is my protection. But it can only do so much and they usually squeal when I wrap it too tight and use a twist tie to hold it on.

    I would like you to send me some of things those slutty whore wicked English girls use for protection. It might mess up my hair, but I am willing to give it a try if it will attract Jolin.

    Robin

  3. 3
    JT HUNT
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Wonder if Jolin sang “You Can Leave Your Hat On” when he and Esther went into the room and had to turn their mics off…

  4. 4
    Robin Robin
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Mr. Santa,

    Thank you for those things that the slutty whore wicked English girls use for protection. It looks nothing like the bonnet I usually wear to protect me and I am having a hard time getting it to stay on my head.

    Esther

  5. 5
    Madelyne27
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Dear Mr. Santa, Thank you for giving me a reality show that my (dead) husband will watch bc he thinks it’s about the mafia, but it’s really just RHOPA.

    P.S. I think Alvin is hot and scary… and I’m assuming Esther’s brother will be hanging himself soon.

    Love, Taylor Armstrong

  6. 6
    kels
    Posted January 2, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Funniest shit ever! Thanks AshSmash!

  7. 7
    David Thofern
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    I love the show. Maybe in a sub-dream of mine, I wish I could be a resident and member of the community. I often think my life is too commicatated because I live in a world of super computer confussion. I would like to be myself by being able to chose what is of my liking and disgrard the crap I hate. Example, I do not like cell phone’s nor my computer that much. It is good at times, but I could really do with out them. I hate having to find a job by the internet. I wish I could go into a place and say I want to work for you. However, nobody does this any more. Where has America gone to this days. Without more said, I am ready to be wishfully accepted to live a more realistic and sustainable life. Is it posible for a person of regular life to forego the non-sense and become Amish and/or more true to the way of what is real and sustainable. My soul hurts being all things to everybody for every thing. I want to live without the super media and news telling me what to think or do. I have a west facing apartment in the Minneapolis area and I do no need to be told what the weather is. Windows are awesome. Does everybody need to be told by TV what’s going on. If I could I would buy a little plot of land in Wisconsin, and enjoy a Trailor Home, ATV and Snowmobile. Like I remember from my childhood days and actually entil i was 30 or so. I am so stuck being a multi-city plex person. I long to live somewhere in the country someday and be free of the TV, Computer, and phone everyday. It would be super alwsome to go days at a time not knowing nor caring what is going on. I miss my teenage – early twenties at my former grandparent’s place in the past when I could do so. Just throw this out to anybody who understands, My best moments in live were camping, hiking, and treking in the middle of who knows where I was, it was fun to be lost at times. – Sincerely, David J Thofern.

  8. 8
    Jenn
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    AshSmash- where’s the recap for last week’s show?!! I hope you had a great vacation but I really, really miss your recaps of this show. They are hysterical! And I can only imagine what you could do in a recap of last week’s show with Esther sneaky snaking Levi off to the beach and that whole scenario, as well as John and the buggy race.

  9. 9
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    ^ Yess, plus we’re finally getting into some real gangsta shit. Amish style.

  10. 10
    AshSmash AshSmash
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I’ve been working on it this afternoon! Plus we have the season finale tonight! I’ll have them up tomorrow! Promise guys!

  11. 11
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    I am looking forward to it AshSmash! I have wanted to gossip about Esther the “Gangsta Mol ( lol chaosbutterfly@gangsta)

  12. 12
    Bill Dixon
    Posted January 12, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Next week looks interesting, as you’ll be able to hear everyone’s story. In the first episode, both Levi’s gang, and the police are looking for Alan. Apparently, Levi dropped a dime on Alan, which is why the cops picked him up. With all of the stuff these guys are into, drugs is not one of them.

    Merlin looks like a five star d’bag, who can apparently manipulate his little pawns accordingly. I’d keep an Amish midget in my back pocket, just for convenience sake.

    As for John, he’s a legacy, as his father once ran the show. Esther lives in her parents house, where are the parents?

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