There is a difference between writing a clever, snarky TVGasm post & writing a post filled with loathing and distain. This is one of the key reasons I have not been posting on AMISH IN THE CITY these past few weeks.

Certainly, plenty has happened. You have Amish kids experiencing things for the first time (about 12 times per episode). Then there is Whitney comparing herself to the Amish cause she has never done certain things before (Like said “No” to a deep-fried, double cheeseburger with sugar syrup). Just last week we saw Ariel pet a fish to death, twisted bitch. Hell, we have even bore witness to Mose in mid chisel of his new invention….a wooden heart with a stick poking out of it…OHHH WHAT WILL IT BECOME!?

So, with all this and more happening, why have I not been able to post?

Whenever I try to post on what has happened, I tend to get caught up in my distain for these three douche-bags:

Jase was a terribly annoying man in the Big Brother house, but he was annoying in a way that didn’t hurt anyone and made for good TV. These three vultures of cultures, however, are completely evil. I have proof that they eat puppies and microwave babies after the jump.Ok, so I don’t have proof they microwave babies, but it doesn’t mean these aren’t the nastiest people on television.

I really think this Rumspringa thing is a big deal for these Lincoln dressing, horse riders. I think they will be basing a lifelong decision on this experience. Do I stay Amish? Or do I play X-Box, use a vacuum cleaner and lose the beano stick. Well, if I were to live with Whitney, Megan and Reese for 2 months, chances are I would be fleeing for the hills of Amishville!

These three are the nastiest, most fowl people that LA has to offer. It has nothing to do with the stereotypes they so tenderly fit into and has everything to do with their evility…is that a word? Ok, one good thing has come of these three; I invented a new word in the English language to describe them, “evility”.

First is the she-male looking Megan. Initially, I didn’t like her because I am a fan of judging books by their covers. (By the way I hear the Divinci Code is great..pretty cover). This chick-with-dick began grating my nuts when she was talking about being such a party girl with delusions of sex appeal. It should be known I really hate hot people who know they are hot – one of the many reasons I hated The Player. But what I have discovered I hate almost equally as much are crispy scabby people who think they are hot and give off that hot person attitude. Enter The Megan. I feel badly for Kevan, one of the few city kids with a heart, for being duped into having a romantic interest in this nut-tucker. One of the only things more revolting than the layers of Ben-Nye face paint she shovels onto her mug is her negative attitude, narrow mindedness, self-absorbance, holier than though mentality. OK so that’s more than one thing. This “LA fasionista” (her words not mine) thrives on the drama and always seems to be in the middle of it. But not nearly as badly as…..

Whitney. Whitney, Whitney, Whitney. You can take the girl out of South Central, but you can’t take South Central out of the girl. Whitney has taught me a lot. For example, I used to think the FRIDAY movies were a little bit on the “Blacksploitation” line. I thought a film like BABERSHOP may have exaggerated some negative traits within a community for comedic effect, not unlike the minstrel shows of yesteryear gone by. But Whitney has taught me that the aforementioned films may indeed be documentaries. This woman has so much rage and anger built into her fa– err big boned body, she is seemingly always ready to bust with the tongue lashing (and I don’t mean the kind of tongue lashing I’d like from Ariel). I must give Whitney one compliment, she can argue about anything at anytime. She’s the kind of broad that would take a stance PRO-slavery in America just for the sake of having a argument. This would make for very interesting banter and use of language if not for the fact that she is verbally fencing the Amish. The freaking AMISH!! That’s like me arm wrestling Christopher Reeve. It transitions from fun, good TV to me just feeling so badly for the Amish kids. I mean my heart goes out to them. I must give mad props to Ruth for trying to argue with her now famous “I’m a little teapot” swivel. Bravo.

Finally we have Satan. Oh, did I say Satan? I mean Hitler. Oops! REESE. This kid has some serious pent up rage in him. Maybe it has something to do with resentment to his hair stylist for giving him Ace Ventura’s hair style. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he is in his mid-30′s trying to live as though he is still in his early 20′s. Maybe it is just because he is a fucking failure in his life, or the result of a broken condom or poor judgment call at an abortion clinic, I don’t know. One thing I do know is the amount of pure malice and ill will he elicits trumps Omarosa, Jase, that naked gay survivor guy, and Johnny Fairplay combined. He is just nasty in mind, spirit and soul. I could sit here and try to psycho analyze him, but even with my snarky cynicism, I am just not that good.

At the end of the day, I like Omarosa, I like Jase, and I like Johnny Fairplay. I like to hate them, and they made for good TV. These three, Reese in particular, I truly would rather not see on the show. They don’t add anything. The conflict they elicit, feels too real. And look, this is “Reality TV” true, but there needs to be an element of escapism to it. Jase was a cartoon, Omarosa was a harmless Diva, Johnny Fairplay was just a fun liar. But with these three on the show, at times I worry for the physical safety of the other roommates but most of all, I am disappointed because they really detract from what is otherwise a very cool, high concept show.