WARNING TO THE AMISH: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN “CITY LIFE” SPOILERS

Very exciting news!! There is a brand new network on my TV…it is called the UPN.

I have no clue how long it has been there. On that channel it used to be WTN, the White Trash Network filled with NASCAR, WWE, COPS re-runs etc. But, now it seems to have changed to a network that airs silly, mindless and downright stupid shows….just my type.

So let us dig in.

On tonight’s season premiere of AMISH IN THE CITY, the UPN provides a unique look into the Amish journey of discovery, known as rumspringa, as a group of 5 young Amish adults leave their spiritually devout, rural communities to experience life in the big city, with six aspiring actors….sorry, “roommates” from Hollywood. Let’s meet the pack:

THE AMISH:

	Ruth, 20. Factory worker and the oldest girl of 13 children, Ruth was raised on a farm in Ohio in an Old Order manner. Cute and energetic, she had numerous duties on the farm as well as inside the home…and oh yeah, she’s a wicked hot Amish chick.
	Miriam, 21. Waitress and hotel maid. One of 13 children, Miriam was brought up in a religious family on an 80-acre farm in Ohio, growing corn and raising animals. Her father is a bishop, her brother is a deacon and her uncle is a pastor of the church. But she looks smoking hot in a 2 piece, painted on bikini.
	Randy, 24. Construction worker, is one of seven children raised on an 80-acre corn farm in Indiana. As with Amish custom, Randy grew up without electricity in his home or a car; instead, he customized his horse-drawn buggy. In addition to traditional Amish garb, this kind hearted Forest Gump adorns his body with ripped up muscle layered on ripped up muscle with a light and delicate coat of perfect tight tan skin.
	Jonas, 20. Construction worker, was raised in a strict Old Order manner in Iowa. Sharp, independent and confident, he enjoys riding horses, playing pool and reading. A self-described “bad boy,” has been known to say “shit.”
	Mose, 24. Construction worker/former teacher. Mose grew up on a farm in Wisconsin, working the fields and laboring in the family sawmill. Raised in a strict Old Order manner, he taught school in his community for three years. Intellectual, mature and artistic, he invents and constructs gadgets and toys in his spare time, often giving them as gifts to friends and family. One of his numerous inventions is…a stick. Ok, this dude is seriously Amish.

THE CITY KIDS:

The pack of city kids is a perfect blend of cliché, crazy, ignorance and cleavage. A perfectly fair introduction to a bunch of Amish kids exploring the city to make a life altering decision on whether or not to leave their family and friends for an Xbox and tivo.

	Whitney is our token black girl. Something foreign to the Amish folk who when asked if there were any black Amish kids Miriam replied “I have a friend who gets real dark in the summer time.” Not only is there a black chick in the house, but she’s from South Central LA and she speaks her mind. I sure hope they balance her with a crazy white chick.
	Ariel is a Vegan waitress from Los Angeles and thinks cows are from outer space. She is a prime example for the argument that life is so much easier when you’re hot. This yoga enthusiast who believes she senses the alien life within cows, is the life of all parties. With such fun quips as “eggs are just chicken abortions” she is sure to prove a valuable member of the reality TV family.
	Kevan, the half Persian half White guy spends his time teaching children how to swim, which would be so sweet if I wasn’t convinced he’s only doing to be able to tell a chick “I teach little kids to swim.” It’s not that I’m a cynic; it’s just that I’m jealous.
	Meagan is the sexy, charming, funny, good-looking, multi-talented, smart, sexually charged fashionista. Don’t believe me? Just ask her. The only thing more distracting than her pomposity is the confusion when one sees she’s really an average looking girl who just doesn’t get it.
	And of course, there is Nick. I truly love Nick. This Bostonian seems to be the only one of the housemates I may actually hang out with in my own life. He’s loud. He speaks what he thinks, and his accent makes me giggle.
	What?! NO GAY GUY?! Of course there is a gay guy! Good ol’ Reese. This overly plucked club promoter from WeHo (West Hollywood for those of you not in the know) make the Fab 5 look like the A-team.

Episode one lured me in with the promise of seeing silly naive Amish kids interact with smart sophisticated city kids, but brilliantly switched it up. Though the city kids may know how to use a parking meter, they have a lot to learn about life.

When the city kids arrived to the mansion, it was not unlike the real world season opening. Young kids plunged into a new hip environment and all seems well and familiar. Until the Amish arrive. They stand outside a glass door lined up side by side in their simple garb and ring the doorbell. Reese and Ariel rush to the door look outside and refuse to open the door until all the other housemates have had a chance to look out the door, gawk at the people who share cultural differences, and scream “Oh, absolutely not!” “They’re freakin’ Amish” and “HELL NO!” while the Amish kids just stand there in silence. Finally, the city kids open the door to the house, but not the door to acceptance. In terms of non Amish society, we don’t necessarily put our best foot forward to welcome outsiders.

Especially when it came time to choosing who sleeps where. 11 people. 2 rooms. Nick managed to once again hurt the Amish when he screamed through the house that he won’t live alone in a room with “these people.” At this point, I was expecting one of them to go CHILDEREN OF THE CORN on these people, but no. That god fearing Amish once again, let it slide.

Even when Reese declared “They gotta change before they go out with me in Hollywood. Period. End of story!” the Amish remained stoic. Living up to stereotypes, our overly jaded and sarcastic gay man mentions that “we need a makeover here, immediately!” while waving his hands in the air, and wavin’ them as if he just don’t care.

After they change from boring to whoring, the ladies of Amishville are starting to give this show a little sizzle.

Mose, the inventor dying to be city cool, tries to break the ice and get in good with the city kids by showing them one of his super-neato inventions…a stick. A “Beano” stick, which is misleading since there are 2 sticks. You rub them together and the spinning thing goes one way..but then you say Beano.. and it goes the other…. and it’s got ridges….and — ok so it’s a stick, but point is Mose tried.

Nick, god bless him, finally realizes, “Wait a tick. I think Amish people, are PEOPLE….with FEELIN’s!” and goes up to Jonas and apologizes, explaining it was just a shock and unexpected and not to take it personally. Finally a shred of humanity from one of the city folk.

Could things be changing? Might the city kids begin respecting the Amish?? We would have to wait to see, because up next SHAVE DOWN THE HAIRY AMISH GUY! That’s right, Mose who was deemed “too hairy” by Kevan, agreed to be stripped down and publicly shaved of his body hair. Welcome to LA, Mose.

The next day as the girls sunbathe by the pool, Randy walks out sans shirt and the city women are loving it! Meagan, not realizing that the Amish hunk with the jacked teeth is out of her nearly transsexual looking league, rants about how nice he is to look at.

Lusting after forbidden fruit was the theme of the morning as Reese was getting some private time in the gym with Kevan, who agreed to help whip Reese into shape. Reese, either not realizing or not caring that Kevan is straight confessed to deliberately doing stretches wrong so Kevan would come and touch him to adjust him. That sly fox.

That afternoon the roommates find out they are going out for the first time as a group. Mose is nervous and excited to be riding in a big black thing (limo) and on a street with cars all “going the same direction.”

Their exciting night begins with being whisked away to an exciting, magical place…a dirty rooftop in West LA. I guess they blew the budget on the limo rental. Overlooking the city, it’s not just the Amish who are having a surreal moment. Insane Ariel is in near tears as she tries to imagine what it would be like to go from fields of grass and cows the city, and sees that we have ruined nature “with a concrete mess”. I didn’t know whether to roll my eyes, puke or just slap her. I thought she was INSANE, but it seems our crazy 227 token black girl also felt a spiritual “Praise Jesus” moment as she went hysterical realizing she had never seen the city before either, and she lived there. I have no clue what the hell she meant by that, but it concerns me that she is living somewhere in my city.

Next, the kids were off to dinner at what looked like a fancy backyard. The main course SUSHI. The Amish didn’t seem as confused or impressed by the food as they were with the chopsticks. All of whom eventually gave up use of the tool and resumed dining with their hands. That is to say all accept Mose, who especially liked the chopsticks as it reminded him of one of his inventions, the “Beano” stick. During dinner the Reese crush on Kevan was building up momentum as the normally heavily bittered and lightly heeled Reese playfully flirts and whimsically giggles at all things Kevan.

The now full and mostly drunk off saki batch of kids are lead back to the house where they sit outside and bond over cigarettes and booze. Reese, now realizing Kevan is straight and feeling shot down, begins a flamboyant and drunken attack on Kevan. Out of nowhere he begins a verbal assault on Kevan insulting him head to blue toe. Kevan being very reserved and not too excitable, quips back about Reese’s feet being so messed up he has to cover them with his socks. Reese defiantly rips off his sweaty nasty socks and slaps Kevan across the face like a jilted love in Elizabethan times. Kevan responds by Leaping out of the chair and flipping Reese out of his chair onto the ground then comes running at him. What happens next is truly, amazingly, high actionly, unbeli– CUT TO COMMERCIAL. ‘

I hate when they do that.

We come back from commercial to once again see the sock slap, the chair flip and then….nothing!!! They tussle for about 2 more seconds, cut to the Amish chick in shock, then it’s done. Damn you UPN!

Then a lot of nothing happens until the vegan is giving the chore to go grocery shopping for the house with 2 of the Amish. Keep in mind, the Amish have never been to a grocery store and vegans, well they can be a little insane. Not necessarily the group I want deciding what I want to eat for the week. The housemates all made requests for specific foods. Kind hearted Mose, truly tried to make sure that all the food asked for was bought. Completely insane vegan Nazi Ariel however had other plans. When Mose suggested they get yogurt, a requested item, Ariel modified the request and bought soy-gurt. Her philosophy, “milk is essentially cow puss and when it gets in your system, it like…makes you sick n stuff.” When it came time to buy the meat, Ariel posed the question “it’s like a Viking, tearing off the leg of an animal. it’s like barbaric you know?” to which sassy short skirted Ruth replied, “Not really.”

This all may seem fairly tame and benign. She’s is, after all, just a vegan. I submit she is truly mentally unstable. She actually believed cows….are aliens….from outer-freakin’-space! And no, she’s not kidding. she doesnt believe “All cows are beemed down from outter space,” I mean hey, that would be silly. Only, some cows are space aliens brought down to our planet. Makes me wonder what E.T. would have tasted like with some special sause, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions one a sesame seed bun.

PART 2 coming soon.