Gasmii, P-Baby here after a longggggg summer of horrible TV and I’m SO EXCITED to be recapping ANTM All Stars. But first… (Oh Julie Chenbot. I’ll miss you until next summer) the minicap!
So, I think we all know by now that this cycle of ANTM is an All-Star cycle. After pondering this for a bit (and by a bit, I mean 2.5 seconds), isn’t it kind of funny that the All-Star cycle consists solely of contestants that are the antithesis of the word All-Star? Which is exactly why all of the loser participants were able to put down the blow for three months and come film this nonsense. None of these ladies are “stars” or else they wouldn’t be on the zillionth cycle of a flailing show where the people who DON’T win are arguably more famous than those who do (looking at you Yaya “I was in Tron:Legacy, I swear!” DaCosta and Analeigh “ANTM won’t stop me from starring in a Ryan Gosling movie, damnit!” Tipton.)
The prizes this cycle are the BEST.PRIZES. EVER and include a $100,000 Cover Girl Contract, an Italian Vogue cover, an Express campaign, and work as an Extra correspondent. The Extra correspondent gig could be a decent win for these hangers-on, so I fully expect total bitch faces and passive aggressive dumpings of Red Bulls in our future.
This cycle also has a bevy of the most FAMOUS. MENTORS. EVER. including the Kardashians, Kristin Cavallari, and Ashlee Simpson among others (Really? Kristin Cavallari must be in her Try Hard phase as she’s appearing on this and Dancing With The Stars. Must be her way of sticking it to Jay Cutler for dumping her. Girlfriend is better off. Dude is FUGLY and no amount of quarterbacking can change that.)
Here’s the line-up:
1. Angelea Preston Cycle 14, who calls herself classy ghetto. If we’re using oxymorons as descriptors, mine would be Jumbo Shrimp.
2. Laura Kirkpatrick Cycle 13 aka The Short Cycle. Oh my God, her accent is stabbing me in the ears.
3. Bianca Golden Cycle 9. Good to see she was able to take time out from getting beat up by Nikki Blonsky in airports to make an appearance.
4. Lisa D’amato Cycle 5. She was on Celebrity Rehab a couple of years ago. Judging by her inability to shut the fuck up and stop twitching, she may want to get thee back to Dr. Drew.
5. Bre Scullark Cycle 5. BITCH, STAY AWAY FROM MY ENERGY DRINKS. I WILL CUT YOU.
6. Brittani Brower Cycle 4. I kind of love this drunk bitch. I feel like she’d hold my hair back if I was puking.
7. Dominique Reighhard Cycle 10. This one had a baby 2 months ago. I’m not going to get all Teen Mom preachy about how to raise children because lord knows I can’t even keep a plant alive but a two month old? She should be home with it, I think.
8. Sheena Sakai Cycle 11. I love a tall Asian because they are such a rare breed. Girlfriend has height, attitude, and being a half-Asian myself, I can’t help but be biased in her favor already.
9. Isis King Cycle 11. Isis was undergoing gender reassignment when we last saw her. Guys, Isis is FIERCE (I know. But I’m too into the ANTM spirit right now. I missed these guys more than I realized.)
10. Kayla Ferrel Cycle 15. God damn it. If I hear her say one word about a fucking sleeping bag, as Kristin Cavallari would say, I’m donezo.
11. Allison Harvard Cycle 12. Is she or is she not a poor man’s Taylor Momsen which is horrible because Taylor Momsen is a devil that makes me hate eyeliner.
12. Camille McDonald Cycle 2. She says she is a little bit of a diva. I buy that if by a “little bit” she means “I’m a stealth bitch.”
13. Shannon Stewart, Cycle 1. Girlfriend needs to find a new job because the whining about not posing in underwear is going to get old as fast as Kayla’s 3rd grade sleeping bag.
14. Alexandria Everett, Cycle 16. I guess maybe she’s not a legit murdering sociopath like I thought she was or else she hasn’t been caught with the dead bodies in her Ford Focus trunk yet.
The typical first episode nonsense occurs including bedroom selection, squealing, jumping around, and overall typical idiotic, hungry behavior. Jay shows up pretty as ever to tell the girls they will be having a photo shoot in the backyard and it’s occurred to me that Jay is probably pissed that Scott Disick wont stop stealing shit from his closet.
Gasmii, most of this episode was introducing the girls again and then the final judging panel so we’ll use the full recap for what went down. Nicki Minaj’s ass graced us with its neon presence as the guest judge and OMFG, Nigel has HAIR. WTF? Check back in a couple days for the full recap. This cycle looks like it’s going to be a shit show of fun!!