Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here with the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model. Just to quickly recap what happened last week for those who are fortunate enough to not realize another season has started, Tyra picked some girls, pretended they were going home, then let them stay so Rod Belding could take pictures of them and so she could torture them with a giant flotation device, then sent one girl home, who hopefully realized she dodged a WMD by getting out of this shitshow early.
In P-Baby news, Mr. P-Baby decided we should hire Jon Cryer to do some work around the house and to regale me with stories of Hollywood over mimosas. Poor Jon Cryer. Forever Duckie to most, finally busting through to win a Supporting Actor Emmy only to have Tiger Blood Sheen piss all over everything. At least he has an Emmy, though. The homely kid on that show is fucked. Moving on.
Apparently, last season’s intro required no tweaking so it remains the same. I don’t mean to keep harping on this, but WTF with Sara? I am all about quirky attractiveness and I’ve been known to find some decidedly unattractive people fuckable (Kevin Spacey?) but I do not see it with this girl. Like, not even a little bit.
Speaking of ugly, who’s going to be first in line to see this sure to be Oscar winning epic about love and inner beauty starring two of Hollywood’s A+ listers? Anyone? Hello?
After the first elimination, the models return back to their pent house where Molly babbles about how pumped she is about getting first photo. Molly’s cute enough but shouldn’t count her chickens. Also, she’s adopted. More on this later. Do normal people with no issues ever try out for reality TV shows?
Nicole chats with Alexandria about how her eyebrows are too close to her eyelids and that short of a facelift and waxing those suckers off, she’s probably the next one out. Alexandria tells her not worry, that her flesh colored lips and black on blond roots are sure to turn the judges off before they notice Nicole’s brow line.
Elsewhere, across the penthouse, Dominique and Ondrei chat away with Ondrei revealing that two of her brothers died, like yesterday.
DUDE. How am I supposed to make fun of that, Ondrei? Be more considerate please.
So Ondrei is only 18 and has already seen more death of immediate family members than most have ever. Fuck sleeping bags, eating disorders, alcoholism, adoptions, and trailer parks. Ondrei wins.
Enough of this heavy shit. In a completely unnecessary and horribly boring segment, Tyra brings her nutritionist to the penthouse to teach the models about diet and Cheaties, which are the foods that Tyra can indulge in without feeling disgusting afterwards. First of all, no model in their right mind would hire Tyra’s nutritionist, lest I remind you.
Secondly, how much do these guys hate their lives right now?
Thirdly, Tyra’s fake French accent is #7831 on the Reasons Tyra is an Asshole List. You were born in Inglewood, California. Deal with it.
You know who is dumb? Monique.
It is hard to express why, despite the obvious vacant stare, speaking only in questions, and affinity for the word “like.” She talks like a Kardashian on Whip Its. Also, she instigates…Chickengate.
Jaclyn and Monique are raiding the fridge in search of something to feed their airheads with and discover a bowl of raw chicken marinating in barbecue sauce. I’m not going to disagree that the chicken looks fucking gross and like something Buffalo Bill keeps in his fridge while holding captives in his basement well. I also won’t disagree that it’s super annoying to live with someone (cough, old roommate, cough) who constantly leaves stuff in the fridge for weeks at a time, promising she’ll eat it and then said food eventually growing it’s own feet, hair, and nervous system in order to escape the confines of our fridge.
Monique decides the best course of action is to just remove the bowl from the fridge and leave it on the counter. The fuck? I’m not sure how out of the numerous options, such as 1. Ask who it belongs to, 2. Leave it alone in the fridge or 3. Throw it out, just to name a few, leaving the shit out on the counter became the first choice. Alexandria senses her fowl at risk and storms over to the kitchen to find out why her food is now a salmonella death trap.
Monique says nothing and instead Dalya gets the wrath of Alexandria because Dalya tells her the chicken should go in a freezer bag rather than a cereal bowl.
This is fucking dumb. Bottom line, Alexandria now hates Dalya, Monique is still an idiot, and Alexandria should wear make-up. Always.
Only 15 minutes in and I’m exhausted already. I could use a Cheatie. Only my Cheatie isn’t bullshit like a waffle covered in peanut butter. My Cheatie is this.
Fuck. Tyra Mail. ”Tomorrow you will face your worst critic. Love, Tyra.” The girls arrive at The Colony theater to meet Nigel and an acting coach/goateed theater douche named Eugene. He talks to them about something called an inner critic, which is supposedly the voice inside your head that tells you about not being good enough or skinny enough to do things.
Back to Molly’s adoption. Eugene asks her what she loves more than anything in the world and off Molly goes rambling and crying about how great her parents are and how she didn’t realize how great they were until she meets her birth mother who in my head looks like this.
Eugene tasks the girls to draw their own inner critic on an easel. Their droorings (oh, Nigel) look like refrigerator art from our 4 year old niece. After the drooring is complete, Eugene makes each girl come on stage and face the inner critic, which will played by him, to convince them to go away. Molly is up first and bitch is crying before Eugene even starts talking. What the hell?
Also, Eugene is fucktard that seems to be getting far too much enjoyment out of belittling people he just met 5 seconds ago to their faces.
Jaclyn loses her shit, effectively shattering all the glass in the P-Baby house.
And then Ondrei comes along. With legitimate pain and issues revolving around the early and unfair losses of her brothers. Girlfriend makes me tear up. God damn it, Ondrei. Kind of makes Jaclyn’s bitching about her stupid baby face and helium voice seem a bit…irrelevant.
OK P-Baby, shake it off.
PS. My inner critic is my bestie and tells me, “P-Baby, if you want to eat another piece of chicken, then go right ahead. You’re still fucking awesome and no amount of grease on your fingers will ever change that.” Then we fist bump and go to bed.
Back at the penthouse, Ondrei calls her boyfriend and breaks down, deciding whether or not she should stay in the house and on the show. It seems like she’s definitely going through some stuff and her boyfriend lets her know that he’ll support her no matter what. Family death, true pain, and a supportive boyfriend NOT screaming and wailing WHYYYYY on the phone? This episode blows.
The next day the girls arrive at Smashbox studios and meet Jay for their photo shoot. The concept is that their going to wear jewelry covered in pheromones to attract bees which will inevitably end up all over their face. This poor bastard can offer some advice on how to handle bees.
The photographer is Mike Rosenthal who I guess some would find attractive but it’s not really working for me today. The girls get make up’d in tones that remind me of the late 90′s. Jaclyn is scared because she thinks she’s allergic to bees in that when she gets stung, she gets red welts. Jaclyn, that makes 6 billion of us. Idiot. Jaclyn needs to have a heart to heart with Thomas J if she wants to find out what a real bee allergy is about.
Monique is horrifying me today.
Sara struggles to find a pose that doesn’t enunciate her man face.
Nothing significant on any of the other ladies except Hannah who’s got black shit all over her teeth and starts crying.
The bee stuff all comes to an end and back at the house, Ondrei talks to some of the girls about not feeling ready to be there. Monique, ever the sensitive brain trust of the house, tells the camera Ondrei should just go so she doesn’t take anyone else’s spot. Compassionate as ever. Bitch.
At panel, Tyra makes my eyes bleed by wearing a sheer blouse and visible mom bra. It also looks like Andre’s broom hat is here to stay so at least we’ve got that to look forward to. Let’s name it, shall we? Suggestions? Alek Wek is the guest judge today and she really is just beautiful. I remember reading about her in the mid 90′s in my Seventeen magazine thinking she was awesome because she looked so different from the other supermodels of the 90′s. Wiki says her name means black spotted cow, which is also awesome.
1. Ondrei. Ondrei tells the judges she wasn’t able to give it her all and bows out of the competition gracefully and with class. With that, Tyra informs the group that if Ondrei has the worst photo, there will be no elimination. If it’s not the worst, someone will still be eliminated. What the hell with shows not going with the numbers they are supposed to? Idol just picked 3 wild cards instead of 2 and now ANTM will be down to 11 girls rather than 12 because Ondrei is adorable and no where near the worst model there.
2. Kasia. Kasia gets scolded for too much fashion by the guy literally wearing a make up brush on his head.
3. Mikaela. Snooze.
4. Dominique. Snooze x 2.
5. Brittini. Good picture, snaggle tooth hidden.
6. Jaclyn. Nothing to do with Jaclyn’s critique but the picture they show “us” the audience is not the same as the picture they have showing over the panel. Look, picture 1.
Now the second.
CSI better watch their back, bitches!
7. Dalya. Her eyes are closed. Her picture sucks.
8. Alexandria. She looks like Chloe Sevigny in her picture.
Which is definitely a step up from her usual.
Unless we’re talking Chloe Sevigny circa Big Love in which case it’s a lose lose.
9. Sara. Nigel says she has a unique beauty. He may as well just say she’s got a great personality.
10. Molly. Molly is a mouth breather.
11. Nicole. Tyra wants Nicole to think newborn babies. Newborn babies are gross.
12. Hannah. Crying. Bees.
13. Monique. She looks like Maleficent.
Well, Hannah wins best picture which is stupid because it’s not the best and she cried which is annoying. As for elimination, surprise, surprise, Ondrei’s picture doesn’t suck. Nicole and Dalya find themselves in the bottom 2 with Nicole getting cast off before she could discover her inner fetus. What a snoozefest this week. Hopefully next week will be better, which it absolutely will be because…MAKEOVERS!