ANTM: Cover Girl Stuff!!

Guten Tag, ‘Gasmii!  It’s time to talk about the latest installment of the British Invasion of ANTM. I don’t have time to dance around it, let’s just get right on it.

HI!  I’m still Kyle!

Last week!  Last week, Hey Girl Hey I’m Seymone left us, and that was fine by me.  She wasn’t really keeping up and had such a crappy attitude. (Side note: I have had “Stop, Drop, and Tooch” stuck in my head now for TWO WEEKS.  Or is it three???  Ridiculous. Also, that CBS producer knows what he’s doing, shitty song or not.)

Alisha won picture of the week last week, with her dookie-tooch Hello Kitty sprawl. She looked awesome, and I love Alisha. But I worry that she’s inconsistent. And guess what? She worries about it too! The girls come home to the regular giant box of crap from TJ Maxx, and is it me, or do they seem underwhelmed by this box anymore?

Eboni knows she’s close to the chopping block. It was almost her this past week, all because she flung her “I’m not a pig-tailed fountain of eternal youth!” in the judges faces, which I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND. Why does this poor girl always have to have her hair in pigtails?  Can’t she be “young” another way??

Laura doesn’t like Eboni much at all. I don’t think any of them do, to be honest. She seems bitchy and ready to cut up whoever’s nearby. And I hate that voice!  What is wrong with it, seriously. She sounds like she’s a boy in perpetual puberty.

Also, Laura, it’s not “There is no more chances.”  There ARE no more chances. Thank you. Go put your hipster knit cap back on, please.

Smells like modeling
Also, I’m sorry. All this time, I could have gotten photos from the CW site’s video feed. I was too rushed to sit through the commercials, though. Tonight, I caved. So, sorry. No more cats. (It’s a lot of commercials, though.)

Eboni thinks out loud to the group in the bathroom (where they all are right now), “Laura really doesn’t like me. She was giving me this look,” or whatever. Alisha’s like, “Whatever, doesn’t matter.” Laura walks in, and Alisha asks, “Do you like her?”  “Not particularly.” “At least she was honest!” crows Alisha.

Honestly, right here, I’m actually on Eboni’s side. Laura doesn’t need to spend so much energy disliking Eboni. And Eboni seems pretty chill right now. Laura offers, “You seem so vain sometimes.”  Shrug. Who cares, Laura. There are plenty of people I don’t like, and I don’t tell them why I don’t like them, I just avoid them!

And if she’s vain, so what?  You’re all models?  Who cares??!  I almost can’t keep talking about this. And for the record, the other models agree that Eboni is vain.

Fine.

There’s a knock at the door. Who be that?  NIGEL!  He’s got bags and bags of Chinese food.  Everyone’s excited and hungry. Annaliese still has weird eyeshadow/false lashes on from panel and keeps freaking me out when she looks down.  Oh, that’s right, it’s the UK flag.

Nigel gives advice to the girls on what they’re looking for at panel. For him, it’s the eyes. The rest of the photo could be crap, but if you’re giving him good eyes, he’s sold. And I’m sold. Nigel is easy on MY eyes.

Meanwhile, you can tell who’s sucking up a little to Nigel (Eboni) and who’s being real (mostly everyone else). She even says, “I love hanging out with the judges outside of panel.”  … “so I can suck up.”  She didn’t say that last part, by the way.

Then Nigel hands out enormous fortune cookies.  Like the size of kittens, huge.  Each one’s got an enormous fortune in it that’s tailored to the girl who’s reading it. For Catharine, it’s about ageless and timeless beauty. Sophie’s is “Keep your friends close and the envious closer.”  She gasps and laughs. Alisha sneers at this fortune, wondering who the fuck is envious of Sophie?? “Who wants pink hair??!”

Annaliese’s: “You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?”
Laura’s: “A hard edge makes for smooth sailing.”
Alisha: “It’s a long fall from the top.” Ouch!
And Eboni’s: “What you lack in maturity, you make up in youth.”  Oh, snap!!

Now it’s Nigel’s turn to smash a fortune cookie. His is even bigger (TWSS), and it reads, “Your fortune awaits you in Macau!”  Screeeeeeams!

Where the fuck is Macau??!  Google and Wikipedia to the rescue!  It’s one of two “special administrative regions” of China (Hong Kong is the other). It’s a former Portuguese colony, too. Huh! Do you think anyone there had any clue where Macau was?  I mean, really?

And they’re going RIGHT NOW. Upstairs to pack!  Packing everything!

Sophie’s excited because she thinks the Asians will really like her look (Eminem/Marsha Mathers), big eyes and blonde. Catharine came in second on her season of British Top Model, and she’s hoping that the more she takes risks, the better she’ll get with bookings back home.

When Annaliese scampers out of the UK room and down the stairs with a polyethylene suitcase with a Holstein cow print, I gasp. I have that suitcase! And I’ve never seen anyone else with one!  It’s SO easy to spot when it comes off the conveyer belt at baggage claim, AND it doesn’t let my stuff get all messed up. Love it.

Mine is larger and much more scuffed and dented. It’s seen lots of places!

So does anyone have theories on why the two American girls only had small, carry-on size suitcase and all the Brits had huge suitcases?  It seemed like the Brits packed all their stuff and the Americans packed light. Do you think they knew a Brit was going home, to keep things balanced, and Eboni/Laura were told not to worry about elimination?

See?

Anyway, here they are in Macau already!  They’re all amazed at the sights as the tour bus takes them to their hotel. I’m kinda amazed by that skyscraper that is built to look like a gigantic Chinese temple. It reminds me of that castle office building in Pittsburgh. And there are actual temples all over the place, too, apparently. And lots of mist or smog. I would probably be miserable there.

Laura talks for a moment about her parents’ alcoholism and how she wants to do things they apparently couldn’t do because they’re lazy, unmotivated drunks.  Is it bad that I really don’t care?  Do YOU care?

I LOL when Alisha says to Eboni, “Those pigtails are really gonna work out here,” with a big clap on the shoulder. Eboni mouths, “OW” and holds her shoulder. Hahaha.

Is it okay that I do kinda feel for Eboni and her childhood of poverty?  She’s mentioned it a lot, and when she mentions growing up on a blow-up mattress in her grandmom’s attic, it becomes more real, and I feel bad. The girl HAS had a hard life. And she’s got a full scholarship to college (which she put on hold to start modeling). Okay, I don’t feel bad anymore. You should be in school, idiot.

Finally, the bus arrives at the hotel, and NOW I understand why they were given stuff lions later. Because it’s the MGM Grand Hotel. MGM’s logo is that lion. I was trying to think how a lion could be a Macau thing, when I know lions to only exist in deserts in Africa. Tigers, however, are all over Asia. But lions didn’t fit. Now they do.

As the girls walk into the hotel, there’s a big fucking show for them. Like, those dragons dancing, and dancers, and a guy singing.  He’s got a lot of very porcelain white skin on his face. Jay Manuel emerges from all the fuss, and he looks HUGE (tall), especially compared to the Chinese folks walking with him. Those two Chinese folks are the tourism and hotel ambassadors. They’re cute.

They head up to their suite, which looks like it’s top floor, top notch. Like, hallways with glass on one side (overlooking all of China, it seems) and gold paneling on the other side. They enter the suite, still wearing their crazy headdresses, and scream scream scream. As they plague the room like locusts, I wonder if they were told to really ham this up. Who am I kidding, of course they were told to ham it up. Why else were grown women jumping on the perfectly made beds upon which gift bags were carefully laid out?  Annoying.

There are photos from all their previous shoots on the walls. There seem to be multiple dining rooms. Snacks are laid out. I want to stay there (minus the ANTM photos on the wall).

I guess this is the episode where we really start to learn more about the contestants.  Families, old photos, what they actually do. Catharine’s a working model, Sophie models and waitresses, Annaliese hosts a radio show. How about that?

There’s minor drama when Sophie’s declared to be a slob, and then when Alisha realizes Sophie was going through her stuff. Like, she went into Alisha’s suitcase and was trying on her clothes? And left them all over the place?  Alisha’s pissed and complains to anyone within 100 ft. That’s mostly Catharine, who hears it over and over. Sophie overhears it and walks in to apologize, but that doesn’t stop Alisha’s bitching. I think they’re all just really tired. Jet lag is a bitch.

 

I don’t get Annaliese’s take on it, where she accuses Alisha of feeling like she’s “the leader” and yet is begging people to like her at the same time.  It doesn’t make any sense.

Tyra Mail! “Your face is your fortune. Can you change your destiny?”  Oh, so it’s about making change. Math is hard, y’all.  (And Eboni shouts out, “COVER GIRL STUFF!”  Which makes NO SENSE AT ALL, not even in a deliberately obtuse way like I do things! She makes an embarrassed face, like she just heard me say that makes no sense.)

Just kidding, it’s not about math!  It’s about astrology!  And Miss Jay’s awful get-up!  And his awful eyebrows! and that fake accent I think he’s doing??!!  Holy shit, he’s NOT trying to sound Chinese, is he??!  It’s like that scene from Dragon when Bruce Lee gets all upset while on a movie date with Lauren Holly and that guy who does the telethon…Jerry Lewis, finally, I remembered! is dressed up like a chinese guy with big buck teeth, etc!  I feel like Bruce Lee in this equation, and I’m not asian!  It’s that ugly!

But seriously, this challenge is about astrology. Clement Chan is there to greet the girls, along with a class of astrology students. Astrology’s big in China, apparently. They believe in five elements: fire, wood, water, earth, and metal. Clement’s going to do readings of the girls, telling them what element they are and how best to work with it.

Miss Jay’s eyebrows are horrifying.

Alisha is told that she’s close with her family, and she cries.  She’s told to wear black, grey, and blue. And she’s told that she’s stubborn.

Laura is told that she’s emotional, and that she tries to be strong on the outside. Clement tells her to just be herself.  Her element is metal, and she needs more water.  Like, she’s not getting her eight glasses a day?

Sophie is told that she’s destined to be famous. And I’m destined to NEVER see her natural face again without thinking of Eminem. Seriously, all I can see is that childhood photo. Wow. She’s told that she’s also metal, and she should wear fire colors.

Catharine is “metal” too, and she needs more wood. (Don’t we all?)  Wood means green. Hey, for some men, it does. (Can you tell that my margarita is kicking in?)

Annaliese is correctly pegged as a class clown who likes to talk.  Her primary element is wood, and water complements that.

Eboni’s seen as youthful (no shit) and Clement can tell that her childhood was a mess. Aww. I really do have sympathy for her about that.  She asks if it gets better, and Clement nods that it does get better. I’m sure he’s just being nice, but still…poor girl.

Now that they’ve had their fortunes read, Miss Jay racistly tells the girl they have 10 minutes to go play with makeup and fabric to create a whole new aura. The girl who’s most improved will win a spa day at the MGM hotel, and she can choose another girl from her team to join her.  Seriously, that accent is awful. “She must choo a girl fwom her team to join in the spa tweatment.”  RACIST.

They all scramble. Laura goes with black draping, no jewelry, and heavy black eye makeup.  Sophie does a bohemian red outfit. Annaliese ties blue into a halter top that looks cute. Catharine’s green eye shadow and lipstick is WEIRD. The rest of ‘em are mostly unremarkable.

As the girls explain their new outfits, the students of the Chinese astrology program look bored, annoyed, or otherwise insulted. They’re probably pissed at the racist accent on Miss Jay.

So the winner?  Laura!  Clement could tell that her aura had already changed a lot.  But that means she gets to share a spa treatment day with….Eboni!  hahahahah They play it up and hug, but when they get the actual spa time, it’s really awkward.

Man, I want some time at a spa. No matter how ticklish I am.

More Tyra Mail!  “Prepare to meet some smooth operators!”  OH, it’s a shaving challenge!  Get it?? Smooth?

Nope. It’s about silk. And more specifically, silk WORMS. Yay!  I mean, ew!!  I take a moment to Google/Wiki this, because it occurs to me that while I know silk worms are involved in the production of silk, I never really though of how. Like, when you walk under a tree and get a little inchworm in your hair because he was hanging from an invisible gossamer thread? How do they collect that and make big old shirts and long underwear out of that?  Well, friends, it’s because they steal the cocoons of the silkworm larvae. One cocoon equals 1000 to 3000 ft of raw silk.  The Chinese have had this mastered for the past 5000 years. And silkworms eat only mulberry leaves, so to make all that silk, the worms eat something like 10 billion pounds of mulberry leaves a year. There are no naturally occurring silk worms, they’re all in “the industry.”  There’s your little Modern Marvels nugget for the day!

Jay Manuel explains what he wants from today’s challenge with the silk worms (and silk gowns).  Paul Tsang is the photographer today. And the girls are all wearing Barney Cheng gowns, which are gorgeous.  Jay wants them all to really be emotive today, really work with their eyes to give him lots of emotion.

And apparently they’re all going to be in short black wigs, too. Yuck.

haha, the girls name one of the worms “Edwin” and tell him to smize. Bah!

I LOVE the dress Catharine’s wearing. It’s green silk with all sorts of embroidery. Just gorgeous. This designer is on the Forbes list for most influential designers out of Hong Kong or something (is there a Forbes list for everything?).  The others are long and hot pink and just amazing. I want one, but I’m sure those dresses are a zillion dollars. And where would I wear it?  I’m wearing 10-yr-old oversized plaid PJ pants while I write. I think my tank top has ridden up over my belly. Oh well.

The girls are all squirming about working with the worms, except Laura and maybe Sophie.  And Jay keeps coaching them to be emotional. Not necessarily sad, just have SOMETHING going on. Laura takes the sexual route, and Alisha’s all worked up (non-sexually) about it.

And why is Laura so shaky during shoots? I understood during that Estelle Getty challenge, contorting herself all over the table, but here, she’s just standing. It’s weird.

Eboni, of course, isn’t really doing anything Jay can work with. She’s hunching over like she’s pooping, and she’s emoting but Jay can’t tell what she’s actually trying to say with those emotions.

Sophie says the worms are kinda posh, and then she sets her eyebrows into this SUPER-sad face. I don’t know why her brows look so sad!

Catharine looks silly in black hair. Just bad. Why are her brows so light? It’s unnatural!  Jay’s coaching her to have some more emotion, so she thinks about someone dying and gets all sad and breaks down a little. Now she’s useless. I get what Jay was trying to do, to get her to stop “modeling” and be real, but it didn’t work.

Oh, that hair looks AWFUL on Alisha. She looks like a Dreamgirl reject. Oh no. She does well taking direction from Jay to give emotion, except she still poses like she’s modeling. Jay’s not really feeling it today, though. Ugh, Alisha, get it together! I’m pulling for you!

Also, the silkworms on the lighter colored dresses don’t make sense. You can’t see them. It looks like plops of jizz or something on Alisha’s chest and that’s it.

Panel time!  Well, soon! Meanwhile, everyone’s sitting around the hotel room bitching. who cares? I don’t!  Panel time!

This has nothing to do with ANTM, is just hysterical. Have you already seen it? The woman was charged with child endangerment or something because she took her kid tanning? Meanwhile, she looks like Obama with a fright wig.

Tyra’s in some silk suit-dress thing and smiles before saying in her most nasal voice, “Nee-how!”  Or whatever the Cantonese greeting is. OMG. These people. (Her dress, the shoulder pads remind me of Working Girl, which is why I keep thinking it’s meant to be a suit.)

Laura’s review is first. She’s wearing flesh-toned lipstick and stockings she artfully ripper herself. Ugh.  Anyway, her photo is beautiful. Her neck is curved beautifully, the black hair suits her so well, and her arms look posed but natural in a scared but strong position. The dress looks amazing. The silk worms are stupid. It’s like the maple syrup—why??

The judges love it. Kelly gets a little moist about how good she looks in black hair.

Eboni?  Well, it looks like she’s got a boner and no neck.  The pose is interesting, though scrunchy, but her face has no emotion. And her waist looks thick.  The judges are eh about it.

Catharine’s photo is awful. Her pose is awful, her face isn’t good. The guest judge tells of how she froze on set, then cried when she was told to be emotional.  Catharine explains how she was thinking of someone dying, and Kelly’s like, “So when someone dies, you do THIS?” and mocks the arm-out pose. No, KELLY, that was before the crying. Ugh. It’s just no good. Nigel tells her to, next time, think of a broken heart and not DEATH. Good point!

Alisha’s turn. They mock her Britain colors and clothes, first up.  And then the guest judge tells her that he likes her face and the top part of the photo, but that she did a terrible job of selling the dress. And those worms DO look like jizz spatters on her arm.  Kelly makes a similar joke to mine, about the Supremes. Fun.

Annaliese is up. Her photo looks wonderful. Beautiful dress, beautiful face, everything looks great. They talk about her emotion, but I’m tired and it’s not important, so moving on.

Sophie?  her photo’s not really good. The pose is weird and her face is weird. The dress is really nice, though. She did a good job of selling it. Tyra tells her to be more interesting in her shots, do something interesting, odd, and quirky. Those all mean the same thing, Tyra.

Deliberations:  Laura was awesome. Eboni has a boner and no neck. Kelly thinks they’re holding onto her potential more than they are holding onto a good model. Catharine’s was just bad.  Alisha needs to remember to sell the clothes, not herself. Annaliese looks great, but Kelly still doesn’t love her as high fashion.  Sophie’s is average.

And time to hand out photos!

Winning photo?  Laura, of course. Second up, I bet it’s Annaliese. And I’m right!  Sophie’s next, and only because the dress looked good. Then Eboni??  Really?  Weird.  That leaves Catharine and Alisha. You know Alisha’s not going home yet.

And Catharine leaves us tonight. I’m relieved because I like Alisha a lot. But I like Catharine, too!  I wish Eboni was going home instead. I guess they needed to keep the teams balanced for a little longer. Think she’ll go home next week?  Or will they do a two-American, two-Brit top four?  And since I AM a newbie to all of this, please inform me…do they go to the finale with three or with four?

“I’m Queen…Catharine! I’m elegant and supreme!”  Loved her video.  Goodbye, Catharine.

Next week!  They head to Hong Kong, where there’s some faux martial art fighting. And then Eboni says Laura is “sleeping her way to the top”??  Huh? With whom??!  I do notice that Laura’s got some hefty pit-stains in the interview footage about that topic.  Weird.  And then they do a shoot atop some skyscraper monument thingie, like the CN tower or something. Sophie doesn’t like heights and freaks the fuck out.

Also next week, I will be OUT OF TOWN. It’s a mullet-trip:  all business the first part of the trip, and total vacation time the second half. I’m finally getting to see the Grand Canyon. I could cry, I’m so excited!  So, Flipit’s going to find me a replacement for the week, and then I’ll be back the following week!  And instead of kitty photos, we’ll see my shots of the Grand Canyon!  Cuz everyone loves vacation photos, amirite?

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