ANTM: Eyebrows A-Go-Go

Hi Gasmii!  P-Baby here bringing you this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model.  In case you haven’t had a chance to read the past two recaps, here is a quick synopsis to bring you up to speed.  In two episodes, the top 14 were selected, one stick insect was kicked off for being too skinny (Ha), they all moved into a house with a giant sandbox room, they were all picked on in school, Kendal hates semen, and Kayla is a lesbian. Oh, and the grand prize this year is super high fashion, but my memory escapes me as to what magazine their fashion spread will go in.

We open onto the girls hanging out in the house with Ann’s winning shot from last photoshoot gracing their living room monitor that delivers their daily Tyra Mail.  Ann may be a sheltered, warlock hobo-loving nut job but no one can argue the fact that bitch has a knack for this modeling stuff.  However, in an unforseen turn of events, Ann is also a traveling gypsy who will read your palm in exchange for a California roll and some edamame.

Elsewhere in the funhouse, Sara is showing off pictures of her son to some of the other girls which probably means she’s going to get eliminated.  Showing pictures of children born out of wedlock, recovering from a terminal illness, dire financial circumstances, or possessing a heart of gold and at least two braincells typically means dying a quick death in the reality TV universe.  You know why?  Because those people are boring and have had too much life experience to really make complete assholes of themselves on TV.  Sara’s bundle of joy is only 14 months old and his name is Caden (sp?) which makes me hate her instantly.  What the fuck is a Caden?  Kayden?  Caedin? Quedyn? Mmmm, Queso sauce.   At least his name isn’t Bentley.  Or October.  Or Banana.  Whatever.  I’m calling my kid Hey You until he/she/it can talk in full sentences.

Sara tells us leaving little Queso was hard because she felt like he knew what was going on.  No, Sara, he didn’t.  Because he is a baby, and babies are only cognizant of the fact that they are fed and they aren’t sleeping in their own shit.  Liz chimes in that leaving her daughter behind for a shot of Z-listdom is also deeply affecting her, though feels that the whole ordeal will be worth it in the end.

Sara blabs on and on about how bad she sucked in the last photo shoot and how she doesn’t want to be just the next average white girl.

Tyra finishes up her day job of selling papes with Christian Bale and decides to pop into the model house for an afternoon rendezvous.  I guess the newspaper business has slowed anyway, what with the iPad’s everywhere and the Newsies strike.

The girls all scream and are surprised at this unannounced visit.  But, ladies, I beseech thee.  Get a fucking grip.  How can these bitches honestly still be surprised when Tyra comes into the house after 14 grueling seasons of this same shit over and over again?  She created this monstrosity.  She picked you to be on it.  She wallpapered your living room with pictures of her nostrils.   Now shut the hell up unless you are about to explain to me how a house of 13 girls has managed to go all Make-A-Wish Foundation on me overnight.

Tyra wants a tour of the models’ shitty bunk beds and tells us that the set up is just like when SHE used to be a model.  Guys, Tyra used to model.

She sits all the girls down and tells them shit is about to get serious as she passes out portfolios to all the models containing their first photo shoot picture.  She then tells them it is time to ditch their generic Charlotte Russe mall chic look in favor of something a little more..wait for it…high fashion.  Everyone excitedly freaks out but some of those bitches are going to be singing a different tune tomorrow.  And one may even be whistling Zip A Dee Doo Dah through her two front teeth.

Finally, at the conclusion of her visit, Tyra decides to come out of model retirement and give the practice runway a whirl.

Christian’s disappointed that he is down one paper pusher but relieved as well.

I guess a few of the models don’t have anything better to do, like, you know, read a book without pictures or a newspaper, and decide to come up with a devious joke of writing down a fake list of future makeover plans and planting it where another one of the girls would find it.  But only after they got done building what can only be justifiably called a sand shack.

Ann, Lexie, and Rhianna go forth with this not at all stupid fake makeover idea and scribble a bunch of bullshit down on a crumpled piece of looseleaf and leave it by the phone.   Lexie intimates that she likes to play tricks on people.

Liz discovers the fake makeover list by the phone and takes the bait.  After opening it and reading its contents, she hustles her ass around the house filling everyone in on their fate.  Liz thinks she knows where the agenda came from.

Yes, Liz.  I’m sure that’s exactly what happened, except Tyra is a grown up and not a 12 year old girl living in 1995.  I’m going out on a limb and saying whatever real hair and makeover agenda that laid the plans for the girls was probably not scrawled in a 5-Star notebook.  Lexie proves her sociopathic tendencies and cries at the plans for her makeover of a strawberry blonde afro even though she is the one that made it up.  Don’t cross that crazy bitch.  She’ll probably spit in your face and kick your dog and somehow figure out a way to make you apologize for it.

Terra talks about how she is glad she’s in the house with her sister, giving her an advantage having a built in support system.  She and Chris call their mom and the whole thing is really boring and not dramatic nor shallow enough to hold my attention.

Finally, the time has come.  The models show up at Fred Segal in eager anticipation of their makeovers.  The J’s, looking fabulous as ever, greet them along Matthew Preece  who is apparently in pain just looking at the ball of tacky that just rolled in.  BTW, Liz is on probation for the rest of this episode for wearing a mohawk and having a haircut that allows her to turn it into a mohawk.

So after deliberating with Mr. P-Baby over the best way to truly depict these makeovers, I’ve decided to just show you an “in progress” shot, along with the before and after shot at the end.  Conclusion was reached on my own as Mr. P-Baby kissed me on the forehead, handed me my foot-long Subway oven roasted chicken sub and turned on football.

Ann:

Ann’s makeover consists of a copper dye job and long extensions.  Unfortunately, it does not involve gum-reduction surgery of any type nor Crest Whitening Strips.

Liz:

Liz thought she was in for a head of shoulder length hair, as per her officially documented source, and was dismayed to see the exact opposite occur.   Liz’s hair is chopped shorter and shorter into Tyra’s as made famous by Mia Farrow circa Rosemary’s Baby haircut and she’s already beginning to worry that people are going to think she has an inbetweenie weenie.

Chelsey:

Chelsey’s makeover started earlier than the other girls.  Turns out, old Ty Ty decided that Chelsey’s gap in her teeth needed to be widened in order to really make an impact.

I mean, fuck orthodontics.  If the overbite is ever considered high fashion, my parents are going to kick themselves for the thousands they wasted getting my jacked up grill straightened.  Anyway, I guess Chelsey agreed to this nonsense, so who are we to judge?

All I know is that Tyra best be sleeping with one eye open because when Cycle 6 winner Danielle catches wind of these shenanigans, bitch is going to be PISSED.

Sara:

So, you know how chicks that dye their hair blonde are constantly playing catch up with their roots and trying to get their eyebrows to match?  Fuck all that.  Tyra’s got the solution.

Kendal:

Tyra wants Kendal to be more sensual and sexual in her look, which is equated to long, stringy hair sewed to her head.  No semen was used in the application of this weave.

Terra:

Terra is upset that her hair is being chopped off.  Miss J tells her to suck it up in the name of fashion.  That is probably not the first nor the last time Terra will hear that in her modeling career.

Kayla:

Kayla gets a bowl of Sriracha hot sauce dumped on her head to open up her hair pores in order to absorb the shiteous neon red color that will takeover her head.  Kayla’s girlfriend is going to be pissed since one of her stipulations was to not come home with red hair.  I wonder if the other was to not transform into the Heat Miser and melt Christmas.

Chris:

Chris gets a fisherman’s net sewn to her head and she is pumped because she is receiving the same quality fisherman’s net that Beyonce wears.

Esther:

Esther is a modern, Orthodox Jewish girl so  I’m not sure what that really means for her in terms of makeover besides ensuring she has enough hair left over for her ringlet sideburns.

Jane:

Jane’s hair is getting lightened to match her intellect.  Turns out Jane is a recruited athlete, specializing in Lacrosse which makes the whole Princeton thing much less puzzling.

Rhianna:

Rhianna got super long extensions which she likes because it suits her hippie personality.  On a completely unrelated note, my parents, notorious for renting me inappropriate movies growing up, rented Hair for me to watch since I was quite fond of musicals as a kid.  Which was a good idea up until that one plucky hippie busted into his Sodomy solo and the wonders of masturbating.

Kacey:

Nothing significant to report here except that Kacey ditched the glasses in favor of contacts.  I liked the glasses.  Boo.

Lexie:

Lexie got her hair dyed a little darker and some extensions thrown in for good measure.  Bad news, Lexie.  Haylie Duff called and said you’re still uglier.

By the look of things, Jay agrees with P-Baby.

So with the makeovers complete, the J’s decide to come and crap on the parade by announcing that someone is going home right now.  If this wasn’t a reality show in which redeeming qualities of its stars were few and far between, I’d almost feel bad for one of these girls.  But instead, I victory fist pump the air at this twist of events and eagerly wait for the announcement.

Jay beats around the bush for a bit, pointing out weaknesses in Liz, Lexie, Sara, and Terra before dismissing Terra from the competition.  Terra may be upset that she is still watching her newly shorn hair get swept up off the floor but in my humble opinion she looks ten times better and much more up to date.  So what I’m trying to say is that bitch better just thank the Js, kiss Chris goodbye, and try and get signed by an agency before her blowout goes to shit.

After Terra’s elimination, the girls return home and receive Tyra Mail cryptically alluding to their upcoming photo shoot.  It says something about being high and staying there, and they all speculate about what it means and us usual, no one is right.  Chris cries some about Terra’s elimination and this whole house scene is boring.  Whatever happened to fights about hogging the phone and dumping out cans of Red Bull?

The models get bussed to their photo shoot location and are greeted by some kind of Angel of Death that looks really fucking weird in the middle of Malibu, CA’s beach.  Don’t worry ladies, it’s just Jay, present to give P-Baby nightmares and show you bitches how to model in Satan’s garb.

Jay explains the concept of the shoot to them and introduces Anna Menke, this week’s photographer, who has taken a bunch of photos that has been featured in a bunch of snooty magazines.  When is Us Weekly going to get a little love on this show?  Someone’s gotta be taking those Who Wore It Best pictures.

The girls will be hanging in a harness today and posing alongside some male models.  These girls act like they’ve never seen a man before, even though they’ve only been locked up in the Tyra trap house for like five seconds, as this is only the second episode of them actually living there.  Not only that but these gonads are  unattractive.

Finally after the harness, the feathers, and the male models, the girls are also going to pick an emotion to emulate in their shoot which is now seeming like a whole bunch of crap stuffed into one picture.  No wonder everyone blew it today.

Hair and makeup ensues.  Guys, I’ve located Sara’s eyebrows.

Anna tells Esther she’s doing a terrible job but frankly, I don’t blame her.  This male model looks like the guy that delivers my pizza.  He’s got a soul patch for Christ’s sake.  Also, Esther’s a selfish bitch for hogging the eyebrow pencil when she knows there are others more in need than her.

Liz is up next and Jay is incensed that Liz dare say the harness eating her crotch is uncomfortable.  So I guess Liz is a diva now and Jay is over it.

(Side note:  Gasmii, it seems as though 5 of my screen caps have mysteriously disappeared.  Rather than leave you with mountains of text not broken up by pictures, I will add suitable pictures to cover the gaps.  Thank you for your cooperation and have a wonderful day.  Love, P-Baby.)

Kayla is up next and rocks her picture despite being not attracted to her male model because Kayla’s a lesbian.  Don’t forget that she’s into women.  We’ll be reminded before each commercial break, but I just wanted to throw one more in for good measure.  Anyway, so what if Kayla can take a good picture next to a dude?  I take good pictures all the time next to people I don’t like.

Sara follows Kayla and totally knows her eyebrowless ass is on the line.  Though I’m trying to figure out why Tyra bleached this poor girl’s eyebrows and then decked her out with a feathered unibrow that rivals the hairiest eastern European men the world over.  Sara is supposed to be seductive but doesn’t quite get there.

While all these horrible pictures are being taken, Kacey starts flirting up a storm with one of the ballsacs walking around on set and we find out that Kacey actually has a boyfriend.  I’m pretty sure having a boyfriend has never stopped one of these sluts from, well, being slutty.  Just ask Shandi.

Kacey translates her flirting with the male model to her photoshoot and uses it as an opportunity for a hand job.

The next couple models go by without too much to add.  Sometimes being boring is OK because it also means you didn’t suck.

Chris is lonely without her sister but has her exotic headdress made out the feathers of 100 dead crows to keep her company.

Jane is up next and does fine for Jane.  It seems to me the judges are underplaying Jane and Chelsey to not give away frontrunners thus far but both of those girls are striking and seem to have the posing and photogenic goods to back it up.

Kendal does fine.  Come on, producers.  Give me SOMETHING to work with.

Ann’s model is curious as to how the costume for the shoot is working out for her.

Little does he know bitch has been a shapeshifter all her life, just waiting for the right warlock to come along and sweep her off her gangly feet.

Lexie…sucks.  And don’t get me started on predatorial versus predatory versus the fact that predatorial may just not even be a word.

So the models get back after their long day of picture taking and are greeted with Tyra Mail telling one will go home.  Sara goes on and on about how she’s not going home, she’s tried so hard, she’s wanted it for so long, Queso’s next meal depends on her winning the competition, etc.  Sara’s fucked.

I think by now we’ve all noticed Tyra’s feeble attempt to prove that the judges get along behind the scenes as well so she has started including a behind the scenes snippet in each episode.  She’s egotistical as ever, showing off her hair, earrings, and vintage belt, but at least she’s decided to ditch the little black dresses in favor of something that can only be described as a poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw.  I guess with Diane Von Furstenberg out and Patricia Field in Tyra decided it was OK for a pit stop in Crazy Town.  Call me when she’s there to stay.

The girls file in to face the panel and as another reader has pointed out, I think they are being styled for these panels now.  Don’t get me wrong, the girls still look like they just robbed an H & M but I miss the days where Tyra got all sassy and told the girls to stop trying so hard and take their shitty costume Claire’s purchased jewelry off.

You know who doesn’t have to try too hard to be sexy?

You know who should try harder?

This one too.

We know what the prizes are right?  Let’s look at the photos.

Liz:

Liz, who was all boo hoo hoo about her hair during the makeover suddenly becomes excited about her sideburns when facing the panel.  Her emotion to project was powerful/victory which is bizarre because really, isn’t one word enough? There is a little debate over whether or not she achieved the powerful look she was going for, but overall does fine.  Liz and her sideburns should stick around for a few more episodes at least.

Chelsey:

Chelsey, who is busy housing orphans between her teeth, picked mysterious for her emotion and her picture pretty much looks the same as last week only she’s facing a different direction and her eyebrows are eating her face.

Esther:

Sad to say, Esther is not long for this competition.  Tittybaby can’t pose.  Guess I don’t have to worry about losing Nigel to those funbags just yet.  Also, Esther’s face was the same in every picture so not only does she not know how to pose, she also is an emotionless, soul-sucking robot.

Jane:

Jane picked the word scorned which she probably thought meant rich, so she fails to actually look scorned.

Kacey:

Kacey’s pumped about her contacts and unfairly gets smashed by Andre for wearing too much fashion.  Must be nice to be the head of Vogue something or other.  I guess he has conveniently forgotten he is the asshat that put Jennifer Hudson in this…

And, just because I found this whilst searching Jennifer and because I can…

Anyway, Kacey’s picture is ok but the judges think she looks like a dancer and not rebellious at all.

Lexie:

No beating around the bush from P-Baby here.  Even I can tell her picture sucks.  PS.  My instant spellchecker is telling me predatorial isn’t a word, Lexie.  But since it rhymes with deadatorial and editorial, we’ll let it slide.  But wait, deadatorial isn’t a word either.  I guess somethings you just don’t learn from being a bitch and playing juvenile pranks.

Sara:

Sara’s word is seductive, which is probably the last word she should have picked since her look sans eyebrows is terrifying and her look with feather eyebrows is also terrifying.  She should have went for something along the lines of Ziggy or Stardust.  Even Whoopi would have worked.  Poor Sara.  Tell Queso P-Baby said what up when you get home.

Chris:

Chris picked heartbroken because her sister was kicked off the show 30 minutes ago and how will she ever go on?  Puke.  I don’t know why she is so sad because bitch is going to be packing her bags in five episodes or less, which is like 3 hours in reality TV time.  Regardless, Chris’s picture is decent, though the judges kind of kiss her ass probably for sending Terra away.

Rhianna:

Rhianna is boring and probably high.  Her picture is good.

Congratulations, Rhianna.

Kendal:

Kendal’s words are desire/lust which is definitely not what came through in her photo.  They tell her once again she is better than her photo which is beginning to make me think maybe she’s not better than her pictures and is just extremely modelesque in person.

Kayla:

Kayla has one of the best pictures of the night.  Guess what, guys?  Kayla the lesbian looks good in a picture with a guy that she’s not even attracted to!  OMG!  Who’d have thought it was even possible?  Shut up, contrived story line.

Ann:

What the other girls lack in natural modeling ability, Ann seems to possess in that concave stomach of hers.  Her picture kicks ass and I’m officially Team Ann.

After viewing all the pictures but prior to the deliberation, Tyra feels it necessary to inform the girls that in general, the film sucked and they are making a fool of her on this TOTALLY! HIGH! FASHION! season.  They better all step their game up because Tyra will not be made a fool unless it is on her own accord.

Deliberation occurs and Tyra names Kayla, Ann, Chelsey, and Chris the top four of the competition.  This is kind of bogus because Rhianna’s picture was definitely better than Chris’s but Rhianna’s sister wasn’t just kicked off and since she’s high all the time, the panel probably figured she’d be ok with the whole thing.

After it was all said and done, the last two standing were Lexie and Sara with Sara getting the old boot to the ass.

Gasmii, my DVR cut off (Seriously, I love my DVR but is it SO HARD to just time a recording correctly?  Work on it, DVR people.) so I am not sure what is up with these ladies for next week.  Hopefully something awesome.  See you then!