Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here with the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model starring my Bravo guilty pleasure # 3 Rachel Zoe. Guys, I love this bitch. Who are the other Bravo guilty pleasures? I’m so glad you asked!
1. The Real Housewives of Orange County: I’m am psychotically addicted to the first and best (in my professional sofa sloth opinion) Housewives franchise. I’ve watched this show since jump street and fully intend to keep watching until my predicted series finale wedding of Tamra to her “soulmate” Eddie or until God decides he’s had enough and shakes Orange County into the black orifice it spawned from.
2. Work Out. This show is/was awesome because the personal trainers and gym workers did not give a rat’s ass about the physical condition of their clients in the slightest. Also, I go to the gym a lot. Despite my overall penchant for laziness and cookies, I supplement that by workouts 4-5 times a week. No one, and I mean absolutely fucking no one, looks like this guy at my gym.
3. Rachel Zoe. If I ever become able to tune out natural disasters, major years long wars in the Middle East, nuclear meltdowns, AIDS, poverty, illiterate children, obesity, etc all in favor of finding Anne Hathaway the perfect Oscar gown, then I’ll consider my life a major success. It would be pure uneducated, untainted, ignorant bliss to live in a dimension where the only reading material is Vogue and the only sustenance is water, lemon zest, and coffee grounds. Current events are lame anyway.
All right, let’s get to it. These Twinkies aren’t going to eat themselves.
As they do every week, the girls arrive back at the Laxative Lair, oohing and ahhing over Kasia’s win at panel. Kasia is kind of growing on me because she’s always smiling, and I’m pretty sure I’m smarter and skinnier than her so she’d make a good side kick.
Pop Quiz for my ANTM devotees: What is the outcome when a girl (Dalya) talks about having the upper hand in the competition (she doesn’t) due to past modeling experience within the first 3 minutes of an episode. Please select one of the answers below.
a. Shaves head in a psychotic meltdown and pops Tylenol PM in a final desperate attempt at attention getting, only to pass out face first into a post-dinner purge filled toilet bowl.
b. Wins the whole damn thing, flips Tyra the bird and rides off into the sunset on the back of one Andre Leon Talley after revealing a behind the scenes torrid love affair.
c. Goes back to obscurity within the next 43 minutes.
Meanwhile, Alexandria is upset about being in the bottom two and getting called out again for essentially being a bitch on a stick. She tells us at home she’s really just an easy going, artistic California beach bum to which I say. Bitch. Please. My brother-in-law is a beach bum. I could literally roll his truck off a cliff, sell his dog to hookers, and harvest his kidneys and dude would just ask me to spot him a $5 and shuffle his way on down the beach whistling. Alexandria, on the other hand, loses her shit when her towel that was RIGHT HERE on the corner of the bath tub is no longer there. It’s a communal bathroom shared with 8 other women. I lose things in my bathroom shared with one Mr P-Baby. Stuff happens.
It’s hard to see in this picture but whoever used Alexandria’s towel may want to rethink that cuz girlfriend had a bunch of something covered up with ointment when I watched in HD. I’m not too good to cover up a blemish here or there with toothpaste before bed but this bitch had it spread out like chicken pox all over. What up with that?
Strange medical ailments aside, Tyra Mail chimes in. Every good lesson starts with a good foundation. The next day, the girls arrive at some studio and are greeted by Jay who blathers on for awhile about how important being a Covergirl is but seriously, we get it. This has only been on for 16 Cycles. We know the sun rises and sets on Covergirl’s sweet ass cheeks so let’s move on.
This challenge literally has 95 pieces to it so here are the most important ones as I got confused when Jay was listing them. I used to eat Play-Doh when I was little and while I never thought there were lasting effects, I may be sadly mistaken
1. Make a “Get The Look” online video. No boobs or nipple shots allowed.
2. Make said video by splitting into 3 teams of 3. The girls should be able to achieve this fairly easily. Even Monique can count to 3.
3. Each team gets assigned one specific look and are given a range of Covergirl products to use in order to create this look, emphasizing some bullshit green bottle natureluxe foundation that I can safely say I will never, ever use.
4. There’s some more stuff about having time limits for plotting, directing, writing, and stuff but this is getting boring and I don’t think any of us really care this explicitly about the ins and outs of this stupid, stupid challenge.
The group break down is as follows: Group 1 is Kasia (Writer), Brittani (Director), and Mikaela (talent) with an assigned look of evening/glamorous. Group 2 is Jaclyn (Writer), Dalya (Talent), and Hannah(Director) with an assigned look of bold, colorful eyes. Group 3 is Monique (Director), Molly (Writer) and Alexandria (Talent) and their assigned look is daytime/casual.
Gasmii, I’d love to tell you that these idiots knocked this video out of the park but as to be expected when any sort of work is required that doesn’t involved pouting and posing, the videos are really fucking awful. Dalya, in particular, has the personality of a toaster. But even my toaster surprises me from time to time by burning the shit out of my bagels and leaving the other side untouched.
So instead of dragging this on longer than necessary, here’s some pretty pictures, yay!
So Jay declares Group 1 the winners which is fine by me because Brittani seems like she’s cooking with all burners, the aforementioned reasons I like Kasia, and because Mikaela’s eyebrows haunt me at night. Their one minute video will supposedly be posted on the Covergirl website which is a terrible prize because no one will watch it and these bitches don’t get any make up to supplement the win. Not even a Lash Blast. Lame.
Tyra Mail: Tomorrow get ready to take a walk on the wild side. The models guess correctly that it has something to do with wild animals but that’s all boring compared to this astonishing fact:
Alexandria tries to pass off her piss poor attitude on the fact that her parents split up due to abuse and she had to raise her siblings. But to quote a wise man named Leroy, current star of The Real World Las Vegas, you can’t blame being a psychopath on your past as plenty of people with fucked up pasts are perfectly functioning grown ups. (That’s the summarized version. In other news, I’ve officially reached a new low in using a Real World cast member as a voice of reason.)
While Alexandria is on the phone with Napoleon, Monique does a complete 360, lets the bitch flag fly, and in a fury of awesome decides to read Alexandria’s diary. Guys, Monique may have Popples turning the cogs in her head but girlfriend is a bitch of the best variety and for that, my hat’s off. We can go back and forth about how reading diaries is an invasion of privacy, but I beg of you to consider this.
1. Alexandria is a wenchbag.
2. She keeps a diary
3. She is not a fictional character of female young adult literature circa 80s/90s.
What up Diary,
Today, Kristy and Mary Anne said I wasn’t nice enough to help babysit for all those Pike kids even though that stupid ginger Mallory is allowed to. So what if she’s related to them? I’m so sick of their shit. And another thing. What is with this New York City bitch Stacey trying to dress like me? Doesn’t she know there’s only room for one snotty blond in the group? I don’t know why I even want to hang out with these losers, except for Claudia. Girlfriend has a stash of Hostess products like I’ve never seen all hidden up in her tie dyed high top collection. I’ve got to find a new crew, stat.
Monique doesn’t discover anything too earth-shattering in the diary except for the fact that Alexandria doesn’t just reserve sad emoticons for sexting Napoleon pictures of her flesh lips. I would feel bad for Alexandria if I didn’t fully expect for her to be a insufferable twat next week. It’s pretty anticlimactic since Monique doesn’t get caught, even wavering for a bit if she should tell Alexandria about the snooping to which I shout a resounding no. Then the Monique I’m beginning to love gets jostled by the Popples and decides it’s in her best interest not to. Good work, Popples!
Diarygate 2.0 wraps up and the girls are off the next day to their photoshoot. Today, we’ll not have Rachel Zoe on hand as I previously thought. Instead will have her QVC line of fake fur vests. What the fuck? If you’re going to get someone like Rachel Zoe on tap, while in dire need of a lifetime supply of lunchables, might just be the best in her line of work, than have a bitch style the damn shoot. Damn it, Banks.
The setting for the shoot is the old LA Zoo and the concept is that along with the ugly fake fur vests, they’ll be nuzzling a baby jaguar named Murato. That thing is beautiful from afar but I don’t want it’s sharp wild feline baby teeth near me. Another reason why Monique and I are BFF this episode? In a world of cat lovers, she’s not afraid to admit she hates cats. I hate cats too. And kids.
The make up and styling gets underway and it’s….interesting….in a Rocky Horror Picture Show Walk of Shame kind of way. Unfortunately, that is not what I’m watching, which I’d so RATHER be watching right now. Posing and vests and pelt and eyebrows and jaguars and 10 minutes later it’s over. Does anyone else remember photo shoots being at least slightly more intriguing in seasons past? Because really, if I’m missing Boston Rob for this, then I want to see some shit go down.
Backstage at panel, Tyra greets Rachel Zoe who will be guest judging on the panel. I’d like to see what Rachel thinks of Tyra’s Cheaties. Rachel’s Cheaties probably consist of 3 hits off a hookah and a slice of cucumber.
Well we better get to judging since SOMEONE clearly can’t keep his hands off his weiner.
1. Jaclyn. This certainly won’t make Nigel unhand Little Nigel.
2. Mikaela. Never have I been more convinced of an undercover Vulturri amongst the commoners.
3. Molly. I know it’s Molly but all I’m getting is a rode hard put away wet 33 year old Taylor Swift.
4. Monique. Monique is in it to win it.
5. Kasia. Kasia’s allergic to everything which is why she sucked at holding the wild animal cat. I know how that goes. Once, I held a guinea pig and then scratched my eye afterwards. It basically fell out of my head. Add guinea pigs to the list of living things I hate.
6. Dalya. Dalya is not going to take this competition guys. She’s just not.
7. Brittani. The judges love her. I kind of love her.
8. Alexandria. Even the cat doesn’t like her.
9. Hannah. I’m getting a lot of Christina Aguilera mess from this one.
So after deliberation, the judge award Hannah with best photo. She’s fine I suppose and I like the way she sassed Alexandria so go Hannah. Molly and Dalya were bottom two and as we’ve known for the past 42 minutes, Dalya is ousted. That’s all for tonight, Gasmii! See you all next week!