ANTM: Fierce, Fire, and Francesco

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Sunday, March 20, 2011 | 6:00 am | 21 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Hi Gasmii!!  A frazzled P-Baby here ready and SOOOO excited to be recapping this episode of America’s Next Top Model?  Why so excited?  Well the reasons are threefold.

1.  Francesco Carrozzini.  For those who don’t remember (or didn’t read last cycle’s recaps, boo), I was utterly swept off my couch by this adorable, charming little Italian.  Normally I’m not really into the whole loafers without socks, slicked hair, murse, and eating only bread and cheese for dinner at 10 pm Euro thing but my Francesco is so not that.  Plus, he can carry a murse if he wants since he’s a photographer and just pass it off as his work satchel.  Is it pathetic to admit I’ve been waiting for this cycle, knowing he’d probably be back?  I can answer that.  A resounding yes.

jeggings francesco

2.  Tyra Banks.  Harvard Business School.  I’ve been chomping at the bits to address this.   First of all, I took to Wiki (the most accurate and irrefutable place for lazy research) because I was SO sure Banks did not have an undergrad degree after hearing her spout about being a stupid teenage model in Paris.  Turns out my instincts were right.  She was accepted to USC and UCLA but declined so she could pursue modeling.  So Harvard, eh?  Wiki tells me her program is the Owner/President Management Program designed for senior executives who are major equity stakeholders in companies with annual sales of $5 million or more.  A college degree and standardized test scores are not required for admission, though the program is “highly competitive.”  Downside is you don’t get a degree to hang on the wall at the end of it.  Oh, right, and it costs $93,000.

P-Baby’s take?  Essentially, it’s a way for pretentious, rich, uneducated people (note: celebrities) to drain MORE money into Harvard so they can go on late night talk shows and say they are attending school at Harvard.  If my company is already making $5 million and up, I probably don’t need Harvard’s help.  Sounds like Banks would be better off wiping her ass with that $93,000.  Or setting it on fire, but she’ll set shit on fire later tonight which is arguably less than or equal to $93,000.  Idiot.

tyra harvard hoodie

3.  I just really love Wednesday night TV.  ANTM, Survivor, American Idol, The Real World (I have to ask…is MTV actively trying to cast at least one legitimate sociopath per season?)

adam real world

All right, enough of this.  We’ve got a hot piece of Italian sausage to get to.

francesco hot

Back at the model pad, Alexandria is blathering about how great it feels to get first call out and vows to change her bad attitude.  She intimates that she had no intention of coming off as the insufferable wench that she is.  Dude, I can totally understand someone coming off snotty in a text or email and not intending too because it’s impossible to see dead eyes and flesh colored lips sneering via electronic devices.  That being said, Alexandria, we can see you.  On TV.  Every week.  Cut the shit.

alexandria sneer

No sooner has Alexandria vowed to stop her bitchassness (sigh, Making The Band used to be my guilty pleasure before MTV was full of knocked up pot-smoking teenagers with bad acrylics.), she’s right back at it making fun of Sara, who once again shocks the masses by announcing that she’s not sure she wants to just drop school and her family to move to New York for modeling.  I’m going to have to ask Sara to leave if she insists on filling this house with smart, educated decisions.

We get Tyra Mail early today.  ”If you don’t watch your step, your career will go up in flames.”  Jaclyn’s guess is that the girls are headed to a fire station to carry hoses aka to bone down on a bunch of firemen, who would all probably look better than the male models that were cast last cycle.  One time, when I was living in Arizona, the firemen came due to some false alarm or maybe part of the building was burning down, that is beside the point.  The guy that came to clear me out was one of the hottest dudes.  Like, ever.  In this tiny ass Arizona town.  Dude probably got more small-town trashy bar ass than anyone that ever lived, including the Baldwins circa the 90′s.

backdraft

So the girls arrive at the runway challenge the next day and are greeted by Miss J.  He informs them they’ll be wearing designs today from Geoffrey Mac who supposedly designs stuff that Lady Gaga has worn.  The only picture they show of her in his design is this:

lady gaga red

This is uber-lame when bitch rolls up to major award shows in egg capsules and forehead horns.  I could design that.  Sparkly bikini and a ship captain’s hat.  Who DOESN’T own some variation of that outfit?

The catch for this runway show is that the runway is going to be on fire.  But wait, before you get too too concerned about Molly’s obviously flammable weave, there’s more.  The models will also be on fire themselves.  Tyra really must have money to burn.  Besides pissing it down the drain at her no degree Harvard school, she’s very obviously itching for a lawsuit.  Better her than me.  My main goal is to not burn my own house down when it’s pumpkin spice candle season.

wound dressing

Hair and makeup ensures and it’s pretty dull except for the fact that Molly gets her weave cut out.  She mentions it’ll probably get redone, though I’m not sure why, as her regular hair seems to be doing the trick.

moly hair

I love these fake runway shows that get orchestrated solely for reality TV non-models to walk around on fire or in a ball or dangling from some skyscraper.  Don’t you wonder where the audience members come from?  Well, besides Asia, obviously.

asia runway

The fashion show starts and everyone starts shitting their sparkly underoos because fire is scary!  As per usual, the whole thing sounds way more exciting than what it translates to on screen and after the first couple ladies make it out alive, the gimmick is over.  Dalya wins the challenge, with her prize being two dresses from Geoffrey Mac’s collection which is definitely not as good a prize as last cycle’s prize of getting to be a Grammy slut.  Or even getting to raid the make up aisle at Walmart.  I’d take that prize any day.  Lipsmackers is expensive.

Here’s some pictures of the barbecue:

dalya runway

kasia runway

brittani runway

Can I just point out we are almost halfway through this show with nary a peep from my lover, Francesco.  Fail.  I will not be denied.

francesco hot 2

Back at the Bulimia Bungalow, Tyra Mail pops up on the screen. “Tomorrow it’s OK for you to cause a scene.”  Brittani correctly guesses the girls will be acting tomorrow and she’s not happy about it.  I can’t blame her because these fake commercials never go well for anyone.  A script shows up at their door minutes later, instructing the girls to read and memorize the lines for tomorrow.

1.  It’s a pretty bold assumption that all these morons can read.

2.  Case and point of # 1.

monique dumb

PS.  Is anyone, anyone at all on this earth who watches this show, surprised by the fact that Sara is a “feminist?”

sara feminist

The gist of the script is that the girls are supposed to be working at an advertising agency and coming up with a way to make something called Fierce Roast coffee sexy.

britney starbucksThe next day, the models arrive at smashbox studios and are greeted by Jay  who explains to them the retro concept of the shoot.  Think  Mad Men minus the T&A.  Jay introduces Francesco Carrozzini (fucking FINALLY. Jesus.) as today’s director of the shoot.

francesco 1

Guys, did anyone happen to notice last cycle that Francesco might be tiny?  I’m 5’7″ and Mr. P-Baby is 6’1.  The guy that didn’t make the cut before Mr. P-Baby was 6’5.  I don’t know if I can deal with tiny little Italian legs so in my mind, Francesco’s at least 5’10″.  Let’s be honest, even if he was 5’4, I wouldn’t kick the midget out of bed.

The girls split up into groups of 2 and get stuffed with fake boobs and butts for their respective commercial shoots because women in the 50s/60s actually believed in food.  Does anyone really care how the commercial shoot went?  No?  Good, because nothing happened.  Let’s look at pictures!!

commercial alexandria


commercial mikaela

And finally, the only one anyone wants to see within this hot mess:

commercial francesco

The commercial stuff finally ends with nary a BJ for Francesco and the girls head back to the Purging Palace only to be told that 9 will remain after tomorrow’s elimination.   Monique’s all, “Guys, 9 is like really small.  Like single digit.  Like.”  It’s great she knows the word digit though.  Two syllables, even.  Baby steps.

monique popples


Backstage before panel, Tyra rubs her jubblies all over Francesco’s head because apparently she’s a giant and he’s a fetus.

tall tyra

Tyra introduces the judges but I’m distracted because we gots a celebrity in the hizzouseeee!  Six is here!  What the hell is Six doing on ANTM?  This isn’t the short cycle, Six.

hannah six

Get your cute butt back to trying to bang Joey, drinking your face off, and having pregnancy scares you little scamp.

1.  Six and Monique.  I’m not tech savvy enough to put video clips in my recaps so here’s a screengrab of each girl in the commercial.

final hannahfinal monique

Well, we certainly know how at least one of the panel judges felt about it:

nigel bonerRight.  Moving on.

2.  Jaclyn and Kasia.  I guess they must have not liked Jaclyn’s hair or make up because she didn’t get a closeup in the version that was shown.  Here’s Kasia anyway.

final kasia

Tyra says their commercials might be one of her favorite Top Model commercial moments ever.  But really, that’s like saying out of lima beans, brussels sprouts, and okra, that lima beans suck the least.

3.  Alexandria and Brittani.  Alexandria’s screengrab looks the same as the one from earlier in the recap, so here’s Brittani instead because I like her better anyway.

final brittani

The judges tell Alexandria she needs to chill the fuck out and if it had been a normal shoot not sponsored by Banks and Co. that her ass would have been fired.  I know she can hear them saying these things because I can hear them and no issues have been milked about Alexandria being deaf so I’m eager to see if she’ll act up next week.

4.  Mikaela and Sara.  Mikaela’s picture looks the same as the one earlier and I’m lazy.  So here’s Sara being sexy.

final sara

I believe this was AFTER Francesco told her to remove her thumb from the inside of her coffee saucer.   Also, poor Mikaela.  She’s very very pretty and sucks donkey balls at modeling.  She’ll land a rich doctor/lawyer husband in the long run though, so good for her.

5.  Dalya and Molly.   Good news, guys.  Molly got her weave “fixed.”

molly panel

Pre- new weave, here’s Molly as well as Dalya.

final mollyfinal dalya

They do just fine but I’m still having trouble seeing Dalya as a model.  Molly, on the other hand, should get her unweaved ass to Mad Men stat because Don Draper would so tap that.

So in the end, Kasia gets first call out and she’s fun so no hate here.  Bottom two are Alexandria and Sara with Sara getting the boot.  Alexandria swears her attitude won’t happen again but just like I tell myself I’ll stop buying Chips Ahoy, we’ll see how long that lasts.

ciao lovers


P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

21 Comments

  1. 1
    c8h10n4o2
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 8:13 am

    I’ve only finished the first page, but:

    A) Thanks for the drawer-dropping pictures. Looking forward to more in pages to come; and

    B) That Harvard BS thing. Many years ago my dad went to a Harvard summer institute for university administration, where you actually had to be qualified to get in and the tuition is less than 10% of this pandering thing Tyra’s going to and your university was expected to pay for you. He told me that they got set up in the crappiest dorms on campus with cafeteria food that was one step up from MREs. One of the super-ritzy programs was going on across campus with, I kid you not, banquets in super fancy tents on a regular basis, the best accommodations, entertainment every night, and caviar or something equally fancy every meal. He and a friend (both Deans of their schools) got fed up, snuck under the tent one night, and reappropriated about 5 lobsters. Of course, they had to boil them by putting the metal dorm trashcans on hotplates, but it was worth it.

  2. 2
    jahna
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Love your recaps, they always make me laugh. I look up Francesco and he’s 5’9″. Does that him too short this ride? LOL

  3. 3
    Rosalind Herbert
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I freaking love u!! And I still have my popple! He looks just like the pick, except maybe worn lol.

  4. 4
    whattafan
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Alexandria is going to have to have a 180 turn around or the other girls may shave her head in her sleep. (now THAT would be a ratings boost) HATE ALEXANDRIA !! Kasia is cute, but not fierce enough to survive. Not sure who will crumble next week, but SO ready for some interesting photo shoots. So far this season, the photographers have been more interesting that their subjects.

  5. 5
    georgiababe
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    I don’t really understand how Sara thought that commercial was offensive to women and why it got Sara’s feminist hackles up. I didn’t see the women being quiet or subservient at all. In fact, I saw it as more empowering, since the women are using their sexuality so much.

    Secondly, Sara, you’re ACTING. Even if you aren’t a quiet, docile woman, that doesn’t mean that you can’t PRETEND to be one for 5 minutes. I mean, I am not an alcoholic or an old woman or a slutty reporter or a nurse or a shopkeeper or a creature of the underworld, but I have played all of those parts in plays. How can I do that, you ask? ACTING. Sheesh.

    Also, I don’t understand why Alexandria felt the need to direct everybody in the commercial. Honey, they are judging YOU, not your partner. Most directors are really bitchy about stuff like that, so you keep your mouth shut and do as your told and you never, NEVER director another actor. EVER. That is one of the number one rules.

    Ugh, so over Alexandria. I adore Molly and Brittani and Dalya is growing on me. I like Hannah, but HATE her stupid pigtails that she wears all the time. I am surprised that she has yet to be called out on those at panel, they make her look 14.

  6. 6
    georgiababe
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Also, one time, for my work, I had to put up signs (those stupid ones you nail into the ground) around my town. The fire station is on a main road so I and a co-worker of mine put one on the side of that road, right next to the fire station. As we are standing there putting our sign into the ground, at least 20 firefighters (all SHIRTLESS, may I add) come running out, clearly doing some sort of boot camp thing. They did a couple of laps around the fire hall, then dropped to the ground very close to where we were and started doing pushups.

    We were, of course, totally distracted by this and then, after they did 50 pushups or whatever, they get up and start running again. One of the firefighters came up really close to us and winked was like “Hey, ladies” and then took off. I am pretty sure we giggled like 12 year olds for a few moments before we could finally compose ourselves.

  7. 7
    NatPatBen
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Okra is delicious!

  8. 8
    tv
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    only on p.2, but reading “Fierce Roast coffee sexy” then scrolling down to that pic of brit made me spit out my water… thanks needed a big laugh today!

  9. 9
    carol
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    P-Baby – your photo captions are amazing.

    Backdraft update – karl urban & eric bana, but only if they keep their accents and there is lots of shirtless training. In the town I grew up in, the firemen would exercise every afternoon including a run around the town, at the same time every day. All of the ladies/housewives in the town would be ‘shopping’ at that exact time and then go pick the kids up from school. I am not being sexist, it was that type of town. When I got back to visit family, watching the firemen run around town is still the best part of the visit.

  10. 10
    (J)ustPeachy
    Posted March 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    <3 Popples!!!!! <3

  11. 11
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Since the only prerequisite to being in Backdraft is one guy be hot and about 40 and the other guy be really hot and about 30, I’ll go with Jeffrey Donovan and DJ Cotrona, also known as the dead cop from “Detroit 187.” Why not? Both of them would be totally swoonworthy in their firefighter uniforms.

    Has no one ever told TyTy that Richard Branson’s a high school drop out? I don’t see that lack of a certificate from Oxford for attending a six week program didn’t hurt his career any. And then she could use that $93,000 for something worthwhile, like mailing it to me.

    But I was surprised at what a funny, slutty and frank little man Francesco is. I don’t know what I cracked me up the most. Him basically telling Alexandria she sucks so bad he’d never hire her, no matter how much she looks like Jerry Hall, him imitating Sara’s little tongue wag, or the leer he gave Jaclyn at panel. I don’t think that pocket-Italian has a filter and good for him. Made all the faux cleverness of Andre and TyTy seem, well, fake. But, P-Baby, it may not mean much, but I think based on that photo of Francesco and the giant freak with the massive forehead, that he’s likely about 5’7″ (5’9″ is what all short guys claim to be professionally. Just ask Tom Cruise.)…so, yeah, still wee, but not tiny.

    Finally, I hope Tyra gives up on trying to make Molly’s weave happen. She let Brittany go back to her normal hair, and her normal hair looked like Sara’s. At least Molly’s hair styles well. She looked gorgeous and perfect in the commercial.

  12. 12
    Rick1964
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Francesco makes me moist. There. I said it.

  13. 13
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Sara’s speeches about “feminism” were ridiculous. I always thought feminism is about being able to CHOOSE what you want to be. Like Sara CHOOSING to come on a show about MODELING. She seems to subscribe to the College Version of feminism, which appears to be dykey looking with lots of plaid…or in Sara’s case, just looking like a guy in drag. Of course, modeling is all about telling a woman what she REALLY wants and how she doesn’t measure up, so I’m not sure why Sara chose to come on in the first place.

    I love the idea of Backdraft with Karl Urban & Eric Bana…but we’re far more likely to get stuck with Will Smith and Jake Gyllenhall. Or James Franco and Johnny Depp. I could live with Daniel Craig and James Marsden.

  14. 14
    P-Baby Walker
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    vallegirl, I love that you refer to Francesco as slutty. One can only hope.

  15. 15
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    It’s probably just wishful thinking, but he seemed quite comfortable wandering around the changing area and didn’t even pretend he wasn’t leering at Jaclyn. So I’ll just cling to the idea that he can be had, and easily.

  16. 16
    Jessi
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    P-Baby, I love you for putting up David the Gnome and Swift! Then you put up a Popple and my heart burst from too much joy. If only anyone else on the planet remembered the Wuzzles, my soul would be at peace.
    Btw, I know a girl who looks exactly like Miss Popplehead (Monique?)and is just about as bright. I really want to get the two of them together and watch them try to talk. I could record it and have the next CW hit on my hands!

  17. 17
    itchy
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Well, it happens quite often that a guy starts a business, or takes over a family business, without bothering with college, makes something of it but then finds it difficult to move from being an entrepreneur to managing the growth of a real company. So that’s where this type of MBA program comes in.

    Which is not to say that there isn’t plenty of porn-fluff there, especially wherever the name “Harvard” is concerned, and, of course, it’s obviously a way for the school to milk yet more money so it can manage to keep its undergraduate tuition levels so low so anyone in American can afford to go there.

    Me like Hannah and Britknee the most so far, but if I really had to choose one in real life it’d be Alexandria. Fo sho.

  18. 18
    Lindsey
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Every time I see Sara all I can see is Robbie from Victorious (real name Matt Bennett). http://images.wikia.com/victorious/images/f/fc/Robbie.jpg

    I know it is awful, but whatever, I feel better now that I have it off my chest. Alexandria is a bitch. I hope she is a bitchy again Wednesday because as much as I would hate to be around her, it is hilarious to watch.

  19. 19
    loopygorilla
    Posted March 22, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    ahh Franceso could be 5’7 or 5’5, but that pocket rocket’s height wont matter when we are horizontal…. if i aint being too subtle.
    if he played on my side of the fence, i’d be booking a ticket from australia to italy today!
    but you can understand he would bed so many of those toothpick bitches cuz 1. his mama is editor in chief of vogue italia 2. his hot 3. his hot.
    anyway, i cant believe it took this long for ty-rex to come out with a 50s mad men shoot, bitch is sooo behind the times, 50s glamour has been hot since forever now, and girl has only caught on.
    i mean ive had my hair comb like jon hamm everday for over 12 months now since i visited new york and saw FATIMA in SoHo, and had to control myself so i didnt turn into a hyper ventilated gay. and my boyfriend was like…who?! (he doesnt watch antm)
    she is REALLY pretty and great skin, in real life, and tall.
    um yeah this episode, still boring, except when francesco is on.
    andre’s feather was gone. so i guess anna wintour told him, stop trying to make it work andre! feathers = NO.
    and tyra wearing some circus lion tamer outfit… wtf, why doesnt she just go casual.
    Um, i hope they keep alexandria for longer because she is the only entertainment there.
    seriously if she leaves, it will turn into a lovefest and not the good kind.
    and wtf is sara on about, feminism blah blah wah wah… girl you went on a reality tv modelling competition?? um….. hello….
    and you guys are right, her view of feminism is “college version”.
    ive got a rat tail short hair pseudo lesbo look cuz im a feminist.
    OMG and that fierce coffee ad, was like a porno parody of mad men. LOL LOL LOL
    and did you see the model’s faces when ms j said u’ll be wearing geoffrey mac… it was like you could put that “cricket” sound “creek creek”
    LOL they had no idea who he was..then he said lady gaga and they were like ohhh yay, he must be a “legit” designer.
    to be honest, i didnt know who he was either.
    and where do they get that rent-a-crowd for these fashion shows!! i swear i wanna sign up to it… cuz ill never be on front row with anna wintour at a real fashion show right, EVER! but for tyra’s fake ass fashion shows i can be anna wintour!!!

  20. 20
    loopygorilla
    Posted March 22, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    ALso i read dominique’s interview and she said one of the girls in the house knew one of the girls from episode 1 who was told they were the group going in the house.
    remember, those girls who jumped for joy cuz they thought they got in? but we never heard from them again.
    Anyway, dominique (freckles) said one of those girls said, after they were screaming for JOY cuz they thought they got in, they were put on a bus and everybody was like OMG OMG girl we are soo fierce and then the production assistant got on the bus and said “sorry guys, you didnt make it, we are sending you home”
    apparently all hell broke loose lol I WISH WE HAD FOOTAGE.
    “Say what?!… bitch oh no you didn’t!”
    those poor girls, they were the real ones that got “punked” by tyra.
    but of course they signed a confidentiality agreement so i guess these girls cant say shit lol

  21. 21
    juddfan
    Posted March 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Great cap and comments, I can’t believe I didn’t drop a line when I read this . . . oh well. I thought Mr. F was getting rather pissy, and I didn’t like the way he handled the shaking hands . . . I felt terrible for her. I thought it was rather surreal when they were talking about the lighting guys being afraid of Alex . . . did I really see that!? I’m sure she’ll be top three for the bitch factor alone . . . and she doesn’t suck.

    I thought jackie dropping the pencil was hysterical!!! She’s adorable if you ask me. I also thought they all did pretty well with the flame walk. Glad no one had an itch ; )

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