Hi Gasmii!! A frazzled P-Baby here ready and SOOOO excited to be recapping this episode of America’s Next Top Model? Why so excited? Well the reasons are threefold.
1. Francesco Carrozzini. For those who don’t remember (or didn’t read last cycle’s recaps, boo), I was utterly swept off my couch by this adorable, charming little Italian. Normally I’m not really into the whole loafers without socks, slicked hair, murse, and eating only bread and cheese for dinner at 10 pm Euro thing but my Francesco is so not that. Plus, he can carry a murse if he wants since he’s a photographer and just pass it off as his work satchel. Is it pathetic to admit I’ve been waiting for this cycle, knowing he’d probably be back? I can answer that. A resounding yes.
2. Tyra Banks. Harvard Business School. I’ve been chomping at the bits to address this. First of all, I took to Wiki (the most accurate and irrefutable place for lazy research) because I was SO sure Banks did not have an undergrad degree after hearing her spout about being a stupid teenage model in Paris. Turns out my instincts were right. She was accepted to USC and UCLA but declined so she could pursue modeling. So Harvard, eh? Wiki tells me her program is the Owner/President Management Program designed for senior executives who are major equity stakeholders in companies with annual sales of $5 million or more. A college degree and standardized test scores are not required for admission, though the program is “highly competitive.” Downside is you don’t get a degree to hang on the wall at the end of it. Oh, right, and it costs $93,000.
P-Baby’s take? Essentially, it’s a way for pretentious, rich, uneducated people (note: celebrities) to drain MORE money into Harvard so they can go on late night talk shows and say they are attending school at Harvard. If my company is already making $5 million and up, I probably don’t need Harvard’s help. Sounds like Banks would be better off wiping her ass with that $93,000. Or setting it on fire, but she’ll set shit on fire later tonight which is arguably less than or equal to $93,000. Idiot.
3. I just really love Wednesday night TV. ANTM, Survivor, American Idol, The Real World (I have to ask…is MTV actively trying to cast at least one legitimate sociopath per season?)
All right, enough of this. We’ve got a hot piece of Italian sausage to get to.
Back at the model pad, Alexandria is blathering about how great it feels to get first call out and vows to change her bad attitude. She intimates that she had no intention of coming off as the insufferable wench that she is. Dude, I can totally understand someone coming off snotty in a text or email and not intending too because it’s impossible to see dead eyes and flesh colored lips sneering via electronic devices. That being said, Alexandria, we can see you. On TV. Every week. Cut the shit.
No sooner has Alexandria vowed to stop her bitchassness (sigh, Making The Band used to be my guilty pleasure before MTV was full of knocked up pot-smoking teenagers with bad acrylics.), she’s right back at it making fun of Sara, who once again shocks the masses by announcing that she’s not sure she wants to just drop school and her family to move to New York for modeling. I’m going to have to ask Sara to leave if she insists on filling this house with smart, educated decisions.
We get Tyra Mail early today. ”If you don’t watch your step, your career will go up in flames.” Jaclyn’s guess is that the girls are headed to a fire station to carry hoses aka to bone down on a bunch of firemen, who would all probably look better than the male models that were cast last cycle. One time, when I was living in Arizona, the firemen came due to some false alarm or maybe part of the building was burning down, that is beside the point. The guy that came to clear me out was one of the hottest dudes. Like, ever. In this tiny ass Arizona town. Dude probably got more small-town trashy bar ass than anyone that ever lived, including the Baldwins circa the 90′s.
So the girls arrive at the runway challenge the next day and are greeted by Miss J. He informs them they’ll be wearing designs today from Geoffrey Mac who supposedly designs stuff that Lady Gaga has worn. The only picture they show of her in his design is this:
This is uber-lame when bitch rolls up to major award shows in egg capsules and forehead horns. I could design that. Sparkly bikini and a ship captain’s hat. Who DOESN’T own some variation of that outfit?
The catch for this runway show is that the runway is going to be on fire. But wait, before you get too too concerned about Molly’s obviously flammable weave, there’s more. The models will also be on fire themselves. Tyra really must have money to burn. Besides pissing it down the drain at her no degree Harvard school, she’s very obviously itching for a lawsuit. Better her than me. My main goal is to not burn my own house down when it’s pumpkin spice candle season.
Hair and makeup ensures and it’s pretty dull except for the fact that Molly gets her weave cut out. She mentions it’ll probably get redone, though I’m not sure why, as her regular hair seems to be doing the trick.
I love these fake runway shows that get orchestrated solely for reality TV non-models to walk around on fire or in a ball or dangling from some skyscraper. Don’t you wonder where the audience members come from? Well, besides Asia, obviously.
The fashion show starts and everyone starts shitting their sparkly underoos because fire is scary! As per usual, the whole thing sounds way more exciting than what it translates to on screen and after the first couple ladies make it out alive, the gimmick is over. Dalya wins the challenge, with her prize being two dresses from Geoffrey Mac’s collection which is definitely not as good a prize as last cycle’s prize of getting to be a Grammy slut. Or even getting to raid the make up aisle at Walmart. I’d take that prize any day. Lipsmackers is expensive.
Here’s some pictures of the barbecue:
Can I just point out we are almost halfway through this show with nary a peep from my lover, Francesco. Fail. I will not be denied.
Back at the Bulimia Bungalow, Tyra Mail pops up on the screen. “Tomorrow it’s OK for you to cause a scene.” Brittani correctly guesses the girls will be acting tomorrow and she’s not happy about it. I can’t blame her because these fake commercials never go well for anyone. A script shows up at their door minutes later, instructing the girls to read and memorize the lines for tomorrow.
1. It’s a pretty bold assumption that all these morons can read.
2. Case and point of # 1.
PS. Is anyone, anyone at all on this earth who watches this show, surprised by the fact that Sara is a “feminist?”
The gist of the script is that the girls are supposed to be working at an advertising agency and coming up with a way to make something called Fierce Roast coffee sexy.
The next day, the models arrive at smashbox studios and are greeted by Jay who explains to them the retro concept of the shoot. Think Mad Men minus the T&A. Jay introduces Francesco Carrozzini (fucking FINALLY. Jesus.) as today’s director of the shoot.
Guys, did anyone happen to notice last cycle that Francesco might be tiny? I’m 5’7″ and Mr. P-Baby is 6’1. The guy that didn’t make the cut before Mr. P-Baby was 6’5. I don’t know if I can deal with tiny little Italian legs so in my mind, Francesco’s at least 5’10″. Let’s be honest, even if he was 5’4, I wouldn’t kick the midget out of bed.
The girls split up into groups of 2 and get stuffed with fake boobs and butts for their respective commercial shoots because women in the 50s/60s actually believed in food. Does anyone really care how the commercial shoot went? No? Good, because nothing happened. Let’s look at pictures!!
And finally, the only one anyone wants to see within this hot mess:
The commercial stuff finally ends with nary a BJ for Francesco and the girls head back to the Purging Palace only to be told that 9 will remain after tomorrow’s elimination. Monique’s all, “Guys, 9 is like really small. Like single digit. Like.” It’s great she knows the word digit though. Two syllables, even. Baby steps.
Backstage before panel, Tyra rubs her jubblies all over Francesco’s head because apparently she’s a giant and he’s a fetus.
Tyra introduces the judges but I’m distracted because we gots a celebrity in the hizzouseeee! Six is here! What the hell is Six doing on ANTM? This isn’t the short cycle, Six.
Get your cute butt back to trying to bang Joey, drinking your face off, and having pregnancy scares you little scamp.
1. Six and Monique. I’m not tech savvy enough to put video clips in my recaps so here’s a screengrab of each girl in the commercial.
Well, we certainly know how at least one of the panel judges felt about it:
Right. Moving on.
2. Jaclyn and Kasia. I guess they must have not liked Jaclyn’s hair or make up because she didn’t get a closeup in the version that was shown. Here’s Kasia anyway.
Tyra says their commercials might be one of her favorite Top Model commercial moments ever. But really, that’s like saying out of lima beans, brussels sprouts, and okra, that lima beans suck the least.
3. Alexandria and Brittani. Alexandria’s screengrab looks the same as the one from earlier in the recap, so here’s Brittani instead because I like her better anyway.
The judges tell Alexandria she needs to chill the fuck out and if it had been a normal shoot not sponsored by Banks and Co. that her ass would have been fired. I know she can hear them saying these things because I can hear them and no issues have been milked about Alexandria being deaf so I’m eager to see if she’ll act up next week.
4. Mikaela and Sara. Mikaela’s picture looks the same as the one earlier and I’m lazy. So here’s Sara being sexy.
I believe this was AFTER Francesco told her to remove her thumb from the inside of her coffee saucer. Also, poor Mikaela. She’s very very pretty and sucks donkey balls at modeling. She’ll land a rich doctor/lawyer husband in the long run though, so good for her.
5. Dalya and Molly. Good news, guys. Molly got her weave “fixed.”
Pre- new weave, here’s Molly as well as Dalya.
They do just fine but I’m still having trouble seeing Dalya as a model. Molly, on the other hand, should get her unweaved ass to Mad Men stat because Don Draper would so tap that.
So in the end, Kasia gets first call out and she’s fun so no hate here. Bottom two are Alexandria and Sara with Sara getting the boot. Alexandria swears her attitude won’t happen again but just like I tell myself I’ll stop buying Chips Ahoy, we’ll see how long that lasts.