ANTM: Freedom is Mold!

“Hi, I’m Kyle!”

Hola, ‘Gasmii!  Welcome back to another week with Tyra, the Brits, and the Yanks.  I think the British Invasion is finally taking hold, don’t you?  I really like those girls!  Am I crazy??

Last week, we lost the lioness or lion, Azmarie. She exited with grace, and I think we can all agree that she got enough exposure to kick-start a career that doesn’t involve all the ANTM branding/restrictions.  Good ‘nough.  The bad news is that Kyle is still here. The girl is pretty, but she is DEAD in the eyes.  “Dead eyezzzz….no spizzzzzze,” as Tyra would say. No smizing on Kyle.

If you remember, too, our winner last week was Alisha, who smoked everyone in the video challenge. Seriously, I watched the video again last night and just thought it was on point. I still call her as one to watch. She’s gorgeous, she doesn’t look like anyone else, and she’s been complimented for her professional demeanor. That’s huge.

So, the UK girls win the big TJ Maxx box this week, hooray!  Aww, they have tea pots that look like British telephone booths at TJ Maxx? I just got a gift card for there, I’ll have to check it out. (Okay, not really. It’s cute, but it doesn’t match our kitchen at ALL. Plus, one of the cats would probably knock it to the floor PDQ.)

Is this the first time that they UK won a box of crap??!  Wait, I think it is!  Wow.

The first in a series of my little boy being cute on a Sunday morning. Our other cat is just kinda your usual black cat and looks surly all the time. Maybe I’ll do photos of her next time.

Time to hang out by the pool!  Or in the kitchen, depending on what country you’re from!  Or, if you’re Kyle, you’re upstairs stuffing potato salad into your face while complaining about how everyone hates you. Well, girl next door, people don’t like you because you’re boring and paranoid. No one’s out to get you, and even if they were, it’s a fucking competition you signed up for, ya dengus!  I’m really tired of her now. I didn’t see her value before, and I think she’s even more worthless now. Sorry, Kyle.

And Seymone, take smaller bites, girl!  You’re on TV!

Laura, whose roots are showing pretty bad already, is sitting by the pool with Sophie and Annaliese, maybe some others. Basically, they’re all tired of Kyle’s ass, too, and want her to leave. Like, if she wanted to go home so badly a few weeks ago, she should have. Laura also has a bit of a personal thing against Kyle, as we know.  Whatever, Laura kinda annoys me a little bit, too.  There was something about her that first week that rubbed me the wrong way, and it’s still tainting my opinion of her.

Next morning, Tyra Mail! “Beauty is in the smize of the beholder.”  Huh?  Oh, they’re going to the optometrist, it’s a challenge about their eyes, got it.

Not so fast, Panda. The girls meet up with Nigel Barker at a big studio, where they learn that their challenge is to make a PSA for Tyra’s “BIO” campaign. Oh, it’s “B.I.O.”  What do those things stand for?  Well, my internet connection is shitty and I’m really trying to get this done before having to pack for a weekend away for my friend’s wedding, and I have to get up at 3:30AM and can’t pack then, so…fine, I’ll Google it. BIO (don’t have time for periods) (but I apparently have time to explain why I didn’t write the periods)(well, I type fast) = Beauty Inside and Out. Well, that’s nice, Tyra! In short, it’s something about your journey to self-acceptance.  Okay.

Rolling over! Look at that belly! (<–to say it right, shriek it in your most obnoxious voice)

So each team gets four young girls to work with, incorporating them into the PSA.  And then the winning team’s PSA will air on CW.com. AND the winner gets video messages from home.  SCREAMS!!!  Actually, no, they seem to react tamely to that. I guess it’s not Survivor, so it’s not so dire.

First, the girls have to make a backdrop with finger paint. At least, that’s how the Americans approach it. The UK girls are a little neater about it. Sophie makes a joke about Seymone’s flower looking like turds. (It does.)

Oh, more of Kyle’s “I’m not here to make friends.”  Go away.

Eboni tells of being picked on as a kid for the color of her skin, for being poor, for her lips or her nose.  I’m annoyed when she says “social status” when she really means socio-economic status, but she’s young and she probably has other things to worry about than using the proper lexicon for her plight. Ya know?  She makes a good point, too, that not having money meant not having nice clothes/shoes to at least compensate for being “ugly”.  (Not ugly.)

Sophie was picked on too.  She was very anemic-looking as a kid.  Laura came from an alcoholic home, and she wants these girls they’re about to meet (and I guess the ones who see the PSAs, too) to step out of their current shit and present themselves as women of worth.

I love this one because gravity is pulling his lips down and that little tooth is popping out.

Now all the little girls come in!  But why are they wearing booties over their shoes?  Is this a car-painting facility? Or a hospital? I don’t understand.  Waves, waves, waves. The models look delighted to see the girls. And of course, most of the little girls are really cute.  So this will be easy.

Oh, but I’m an adult. Unless a kid is truly ugly, I can see that they’re just awkward and will grow into their looks.  Look at Sophie, she turned out okay and she used to look like Eminem in a dress!  Seriously, though. Most people figure it out and look okay when they’re older. Kids can just be so mean. (I was bullied a lot as a kid. Ugh.) (I was also a truly ugly kid. I’ve recovered, only slightly.)

Wait, they’re all wearing booties, or they have their shoes off. I guess it’s for that white floor?

So, the models each get paired with a little girl (some not so little, and yes, I mean one’s older and yes, I mean one’s bigger), whom they’re supposed to get to know well enough to look really chummy with on the PSA. Most of the models take it all really seriously, which is great.

There’s lots of talk about “what makes you feel beautiful” and whatever. And more sharing of horror stories of youth. One little girl is perfectly cute, and she’s got a little Cindy Crawford mole above her lip. Apparently, the kids in her school tease her, telling her that someone took a dump on her lip. I couldn’t help but LOL at the delivery of that.  Sorry. But it also makes me realize how OLD I am to be citing Cindy Crawford as a paragon of mole-having. These kids don’t know who the fuck Cindy Crawford is!

Ding Dong doesn’t know who Cindy Crawford is. He’s only a baby!

The one girl, paired with Alisha, talks about how she doesn’t like her own skin color or hair. (She’s obviously a mix of several races. And she’s gorgeous.) I can’t tell if she’s a plant, because the way she’s talking about how princesses have different hair than her, it seems fake. (And doesn’t the girl kinda look like a model already? Like a lighter-skinned, very feminine Azmarie?) Alisha just cries.  The girl cries too, but it looks fake. Whatever.

Sorry, this whole segment wasn’t very interesting to me. Don’t hate me for not reporting on every televised second.

Then the girls film the PSAs, and everyone looks awkward. The US girls go first, and they’re cocky, feeling like they really know their girls and will convey that warmth.  Oh, and they’re all wearing face-paint and hand-painted t-shirts. Gah, how hokey and faux-wholesome can you get?  Is there a lemonade stand nearby?  Come on.

I LOL when the one girl says, “Beauty is freedom, and freedom is mold.”  Hahahahaha. Oh wait, that was supposed to be “breaking any mold.”  Oh dear.

Kyle’s lipstick is terrible. She’s also paired with a girl only a year younger than her, or so it looks. Will she be on the next season of ANTM?

The Brits don’t do much better. They practiced more schticks, but it’s still a bunch of finger-paint and trite soothings about beauty. Annaliese’s bum gets blurred out when she falls over wearing short-shorts.

Nigel’s take on the whole thing?  The US was fine, but they weren’t all that cozy with the kids.  The Brits were good, but that rehearsing came off as forced.

A big furry baby with spots on his belly that you can’t see because his fur is sooooo soft and long.  I love this kid.

Who won? The Brits!  They get a message from home! (No one gives a shit about having their PSA air on CW.com!)

It’s time for the video messages from home, British girls!  They plug in their VIRGIN MOBILE PHONE to the TV and have a look.

Annaliese’s friend/roommate/(lover?) (probably not) tells her she misses her, do a great job, but come home!  Kisses!

Catharine looks EXACTLY like her mom. In fact, she and her mom look like sisters. It’s weird. Her dad looks really young too. How old is Catharine??

Alisha’s family is next, and they’re cute. Mom and Dad wish her well, say that they miss her, and there’s her little brother, too.  He’s so earnest, it kills me!!  And then I laugh and laugh when they camera cuts to Alisha and back to the family, and the little boy is wearing blood-red monster mask.  WTF??! HA!

Sophie?  Well, her boyfriend does a video, and he just kinda rambles about the weather and whatnot. He seems nice, he’s just not as encouraging and congratulatory as the others’ families were. Dump his ass!

Look at that widdle face.
Okay, all you non-cat people, I’m all done!  Plus, we now have official show shots for the rest of the recap!

Tyra Mail again!  This time, it’s about being centerpieces. “We’re going to be statues.”  Right.

They head off to a mansion where Jay Manual awaits. Oh, Laura’s got that stupid low-slung headband thing on again. THAT is what I didn’t like from the first episode, and now it’s back. If her hair ends up crimped again anytime soon, we know it’s over. What’s over? Oh, I don’t know. I’m just writing words. I don’t know what they mean.

Seriously, I dont’ like the headband.

Anyway, Jay explains that this is another booty-tooch challenge. They’re going to be tooching all over this dinner party scene. The girls scream. Alisha again uses “tooch” in a sentence very seriously.

Photographer today is Ben Shaul. And the special guest?  Who’s also the guest judge?  Estelle Getty!  I kid, I kid. No, it’s Estelle!  Just Estelle, she of “American Boy” fame.  I LOVE that song! But SHE, my friends, looks hideous.  She’s a good looking woman usually, but this jumpsuit and bowl-cut ain’t working for her at all. It’s futuristic AND a throw-back to the 70s, and I hate it. Sorry, Estelle. Some random TVgasm recapper doesn’t like your hair!

I don’t really understand how this shoot works. Then again, I always think the shoots look weird and awkward and then the finished photos are amazing. But…they’ll all be acting as background in the shots while one person poses in the center?  And Estelle’s also in all the shots?  But it’s not like the Kris Jenner shots, right?  Not really, but yeah. I don’t get it.

It doesn’t help that the first person to go, Laura, just monopolizes the whole scene. Which is, like, her right because it’s her shoot, but she’s totally blocking Estelle, who’s like, “Um, hi!”  Popping out like Waldo from the spine of the book. She seems a little irritated. Laura’s trying all this whackadoodle stuff, too, trying to really be outrageous. And it’s just…awkward. I know it’s editing, too, but it’s definitely awkward. Oh, and she gets a blurred vajajay too.

Honestly, I can’t tell the difference between what the girls that are doing well are doing versus what the girls who suck are doing. They say Catharine’s a mess but Annaliese is good. How can you tell??!  It’s all a mess to me!

Alisha was apparently having trouble? And the UK girls were trying to help? But everyone felt awkward?  She looked fine!  See, I don’t get it.  Oh, she’s trying to really tooch it up, and it’s getting messy. I guess.

Sophie’s doing fine, eating whipped cream or meringue or something. She’s apparently doing well. I can’t tell! Seymone is encouraged to smoosh whipped cream into Annaliese’s face. That’s fun!  Does it make it into the final photo? We’ll see!

Oh, and then there’s drama about Kyle not having a butt, so the costume ladies give her butt pads to help her tooch. And all the other girls are NOT okay with that.  And I kinda get it, but I kinda don’t. Yes, the tooch is part of the challenge, and if you don’t HAVE a tooch, then that’s tough. But why leave the girl at a disadvantage just because she’s got no ass at all?  At least give her something so she can try!  I don’t like Kyle, and I don’t really care about her tooch, but I think it’s fine that she had one. She has dead eyes anyway!

Wait. now I get why they’re pissed. Sophie just explained how hard it was for all of them to tooch properly, naturally, and here comes Kyle with a fake tooch that pops without effort, so she can focus on her posing. Well, then that’s no fair. What if she was only given a training tooch and still had to work to pop it?

Well, that’s enough of that.

Panel time!

Wow, look at Tyra’s dress!  It’s a monochromatic color-blocked bondage dress!  She looks great, and yet it’s not that flattering. I love Tyra, though.

So how’d they do?

Catharine?  She’s got a good tooch, an “up in the air tooch”.  They criticize how she’s concentrating too hard on the tooch, so her face looks tense, but they otherwise mostly like the photo. Estelle is holding a pineapple in the background in a random, grand fashion. Fun.

Alisha? They thought she played it too safe. Like she should have done more writhing around on the table to get that tooch up and arched.  I can’t understand what Estelle just said about the shot. Sorry. Anyone catch it? Tyra’s main criticism of Alisha, generally, is that her energy and awesomeness just don’t show up in photos the way they do in real life. She’s gotta work on that.

Sophie’s next. She’s done well this week, getting compliments on the smize AND the tooch.

And Annaliese did well, too. It’s a “fun” shot, she looks happy, like she just won a car. It’s different from the smoldering shots of the rest of the girls.  Tyra doesn’t think it’s high-fashion enough. Kelly actually likes it.

US girls!  Eboni’s first. Hers is strange. She’s flipped over on her back, doing a table-top pose or something, and it looks like the two girls behind the table are giving her a gynocological exam.  I don’t like it.

Kyle’s next, and she admits without prompting that she wore a fake tooch. Nigel likes the face but doesn’t think the rest is that great…and he calls out that her face is the same in every single shoot. And it is!  Ha!  Estelle criticizes her for being in the way a lot, not being aware of her space. Kelly thinks she’s getting worse every week. Yay!  Maybe she’s going home!

Laura’s shot is fine, she’s on her knees and kinda arching back. Some think it’s too dramatic in an ice-show kind of way, but Tyra likes it.

And Seymone’s shot? I don’t like it, but they all seem to. I don’t get it!  She’s doing a back bend, her tooch looks small, there’s a glass in the way of her ass, and it just doesn’t make sense. Tyra loves it.

Judges deliberate, and the most interesting things *I* hear is how amazingly consistent Alisha is. like, maybe her main photo wasn’t so great, but she was consistently awesome in the background of all the other shots. And she just needs to find a way to bring that forward. Kelly’s really starting to like her. I am too!  I know she’s not going home because Kelly says she wants to work with Alisha, help her get better. Also that Kyle was boring. And poochy-tooched.

Best Picture? Sophie!  Yay, UK! Another box of junk for you!  Sophie is one to watch, for sure.

Then runner-up is Seymone!  Really?  Wow, good for her!

Then it’s Eboni, Annaliese, Laura, and Catharine.  That leaves Kyle and Alisha.

So who’s going home?  Oh, be still my heart, I hope it’s Kyle. It better be Kyle. Kyle?

Kyle’s in the bottom two because she’s boring and doesn’t do anything different at her shots. Alisha’s at the bottom because she’s not bringing her energy into the photos, but the judges know she’s got it. She’s warned to bring that background diva-ness to the front.

Oh, let’s do this already–it’s Kyle!  She’s going home!  Bye!  Hugs! Oh, editors, I love you–LOVE YOU!–for playing “Hi! I’m Kyle!” for me one more time. Priceless. LOL!

Next week!  The models walk for big names in Hollywood fashion, and then they model Hello Kitty lunchboxes. Not kidding!  Come back!

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