ANTM: Furstenberg is Fabulous!

Greetings Gasmii!  P-Baby here with this week’s installment of America’s Next Top Model or as we’ve come to see Tyra’s It Girl Who Goes On To Obscurity/VH1 Reality Show.  And to all the naysayers who claim, “But P-Baby, plenty of Top Model girls have gone on to find success,” I have this to say.  The day I can refer to an ANTM girl by her first name only without the Top Model disclaimer, a la Cindy, Linda, Naomi, Christy, and Claudia, then maybe Tyra will get a pat on the back and a cookie.  But for now, she gets nothing.  NOTHING! (Side note:  I mean, girlfriend really did it to herself.  If she had named her show something less egotistical, such as America’s Next Random Face in JC Penny’s Catalogue, then maybe my expectations would be lower.)

So this week, the girls cruise around Venice Beach being all touristy and small town, amazed at the sight of people on bikes and walking dogs.  Anamarie is not impressed because she sees dogs and bikes and homeless people all the time, making her a worldly traveler.  Anamarie believes her own hype, telling us her New York attitude makes her awesome.

The girls walk in contrived groups of four and coincidentally run into each other on the boardwalk or whatever it’s called at Venice Beach.  I grew up going to the Ocean Cities of New Jersey and Maryland so it’s a boardwalk.  They annoyingly greet each other like long lost sorority sisters and immediately start getting harassed by the Taliban.

Lucky for them, they live to see another day as it’s not the Taliban but rather a Venice Beach icon named Harry Perry who just wants to play them some music and show them the way to their new digs.  Turns out they are standing right in front of their shiny new glass house.

Commence shrieking for next ten minutes as the ladies run around utterly euphoric at the sight of mediocre twin beds and a bunch of Italian Vogue magazine covers.  This is ridiculous for two reasons.  1.  The only people who should be ecstatic with joy is Kayla because poor girl slept in a sleeping bag until 13 and Kendal who just informed us of living in a mobile home.  You know Jane’s Ivy League ass is already on the phone with Daddy drawing up plans for construction of her own private wing of the house.  2.  None of these girls will ever be on the cover of Italian Vogue.  Ever.   Period.

As usual, Tyra has plastered her image all over the house as well.  I will not screen capture this because that’s exactly what the beast would want.  Other features of the house include a runway in the living room and another room on the top level full of sand.  While fun and interesting in theory, I feel as though the sand room’s initial charm will wear off when the girls inevitably start drunk peeing in it after a Franzia Friday binge.

Chris and Ann head to the roof for an impromptu girl chat session where Chris finds out Ann has a very specific type of man she wants to sink her claws into.

Well, Ann, now I’m intrigued.  Tell us more.  Exactly how many hobos have you notched onto your bed post?

I kid, Gasmii.  Ann hasn’t fucked 60 hobos.  In fact, 60 is just her age limit for potential mates.  See, that’s perfectly normal.   What’s not normal, however, is that on top of being 60, he’s got to be a fire-spitting warlock who can also make sushi.

More bonding in another part of the house as Sara, Anamaria, and Jane sit on the beds and talk about weight issues.  It seems Anamaria used to be “thicker” at 135 and now weighs 110 pounds.  If bitch is measuring 5’7″, that still puts her 13 pounds under the minimum weight for her body, and this isn’t the short model cycle, so she’s gotta be taller than that.  In conclusion, Anamaria is too skinny and if she wasn’t such an entitled twat, I’d offer her some of the Halloween candy I have sitting in a pumpkin shaped candy dish on my coffee table.

Anamaria’s explanation is that she is on a “calorie restricted” diet.  You and your rib cage don’t fool me.  In these here parts, we call that anorexia.

More getting to know each other and I’m ready for the photoshoots, hair, and make up to begin.  Christ, girls.  Don’t you realize you have an entire season to bore us with your inanities and vapid melees?  Kayla asks if there are any other gay people in the house and the answer appears to be no, though Kendal’s wheels may be spinning.

The first piece of Tyra Mail arrives and all the models squeal like tweens waiting for that shitstain Bieber to make an appearance.  Don’t worry, though.  We’ll get a cameo from another annoying tween star later in the episode.

The mail cryptically informs the girls that their “rise to the top begins in Hollywood.  Fuck off, Tyra.”  Well, it really says Love, Tyra, but since she seems to sever ties with every winner of every cycle, it may as well say fuck off.  More screaming and I’m convinced now more than ever these girls are paid to act like morons.

The challenge puts the group at the Hollywood and Highland Center where they link up with Jay and Miss J, who are both looking fabulous as per usual.

Jay tells the girls they will be walking in a Diane Von Furstenberg runway show which is pretty awesome and a big name for a challenge so early on in the season.  Miss J. tells them this season has raised the stakes even higher and directs their attention to the runway located four stories above their heads.  And, you guessed it..shrieking ensues.

Pardon my salty mood, Gasmii.   It’s just that between the meeting on the boardwalk, the big house reveal, the Tyra Mail and now this death trap runway, I’m all tapped out on squealing, screaming, and shrieks of any kind.  I just want to see sexy Nigel, some pretty pictures, and a weepy chick eliminated.  Is that so much to ask?

The girls are given one hour to change and do their own hair and make up.  Let the hot mess begin!

A Top Model episode wouldn’t be complete without  a little product pimping so we get to hear how great this Instyler thing is which is a straightener, brush, hair curler thingamabob all in one.  I saw an infomercial for it once and though amazed by the results, didn’t buy it then.  Which means having appear on a crappy reality show is also not going to make me buy it.  Nice try Banks.  Foiled again!

As the primping continues, Sara tells us that she wasn’t aware that they were going to be strapped to harnesses for their four story walk down the runway and if they fell, they just died.

Jay pep talks the group as the prepare to take the runway but Chelsey seems preoccupied as she’s probably hoping Ann doesn’t mistake her for a mystic Sorcerer who shits fortune cookies.

The Jays go out to introduce the show and it’s time to do work.

Ann is up first and before she takes off down the runway, she tells us that even though she is 6’2, it is ironic that she’s afraid of heights.  No Ann, that is not ironic.  It’s acrophobic and understandable but ironic it is not.  Anyway, Ann sucks hard on the runway but I don’t think ill of her as I lose my shit climbing a ladder.

Lexie is next.  Guys, I’m not feeling Lexie.

Haley is probably relieved, because now she isn’t the ugly one.

Chelsey seems to understand it’s a pretty big deal for their first runway show to involve Diane Von Furstenberg’s name in any way and rocks the runway.  I think she is definitely one to watch in this pack.  Also, I’d just like to mention as one of my readers pointed out, Chelsey bears a striking resemblance to Sookie “Sook-eh” Stackhouse of True Blood fame.

Chris doesn’t get a voiceover and one on one with the camera prior to her walk so nothing significant to report here either.

Anamaria is up next and lets us know that none of the other girls are even close to being competition for her.  She glides down the runway and looks pretty despite her clavicle poking me in the eye.  The whole thing would have gone off without a hitch if the bitch hadn’t keeled over from lack of nutrients at the end of the runway.  She played it off as tripping but I know better.

Sara takes her turn and while I find Sara pretty ho hum in her confessionals, she always looks killer on the runway and pictures thus far.  She is one that will definitely benefit from the makeover and will hopefully get rid of her 1989 Bill and Ted Wyld Stallyns stringy mall hair permanently.

Nothing significant to mention for Jane, though her make up is a little Memoirs of a Geisha for me.

Kacey is up next and apparently without her glasses, she is blind as a bat.  Which is great for her as she is about to walk out onto a platform four stories high.  Jay instructs her to use the pink lights on the runway as her guide and she nods along swimmingly.  Kacey then informs the viewing audience that all the lines are blurred together.  We may have our first Top Model death tonight folks.

Against all odds, Kacey turns it out and does one of the best walks of the night.

Rhianna goes next and does ok but the nagging little Chinese woman that lives inside my conscience wants to yell at her to get the hair out of her face.

Liz’s turn follows and Liz is starting to grow on me.  I like her androgynous look.

Esther walks after Liz and I’m just glad Esther’s jubblies didn’t propel over the edge.

Terra walks next and looks as if she has soiled herself.

Terra is probably unhooking her harness and planning a jump as Kendal walks after her and kills it.  Kendal may be a small town semen hating gal but she’s got some basic instinct when it comes to modeling and will probably do well for herself despite the outcome of this cycle.

Kayla brings up the rear and tells us she was scared for her life.  But she’s not afraid of heights.  She does some cheesy pointing at the end of the runway but since her personality is still so likeable, I give her a pass on the douchebaggeryness.

The runway walking is over and Anamaria’s synopsis is that everyone has a busted walk.

Fuck.  More Tyra Mail.  This time the message reads, “Ever been bullied?  I sure was.  Let me tell you about the time they said my forehead was big and I’d never be successful.  I showed them.  I showed ALL of them.  Anyway, get your bony asses ready and be prepared to spill your inner emotional pain so I can get you to cry on camera.  Gotta love me, Tyra.”

The girls sit around discussing getting made of in school.  Chelsey was made fun of for being pale.

Kayla was severely tormented for her sexuality and Ann was constantly called a giant.  Cheap Easy Joke Time.

The girls take a bus to Smashbox studios where they are greeted by Jay, the fairest maiden in all the land.  Jay tells them the focus of the day will be on teen bullying and his shirt depicts what he was bullied for in high school.

Jay Clark Kent’s us, ripping off his Band Geek shirt and reveals his true persona underneath.

I got it now!

The girls will be posing in bikinis today and having their hurtful word painted on their body along with a word that strengthens them and kick’s their hurtful word’s ass.  Today’s photographer is Deborah Anderson and to her credit, it appears that she has photographed some pretty famous mugs like George Clooney and Elton John to name a few.  I seriously want to know who Tyra blew to get all these people on her show this season.

Hair and make up starts and Lexie observes that Anamaria is emaciated.  I observe that Anamaria bears more than a striking resemblance to a one meat-wearing pop princess.

Tyra shows up to receive her daily worship fest from her chosen minions.

She blathers on about having a big forehead for the 10,634th time and her sob story is skating on paper thin ice.  If I were her, I’d be more concerned about my tank ass and fly me home arms than my forehead which appears to be a normal size as of late.  She reveals that her shirt underneath says Narcissist and lets the girls kiss her ass for awhile.  Then she prompts them for the names they were bullied with.

Better than dick sucking lips that my still jock minded guy friends call the same feature.

Tyra pegs Ann next and asks her the last time she cried about it.  Ann says high school even though homegirl is about to lose her shit in the next three seconds.  Ann, being a giant is awesome.  You get to look at the top of everyone’s heads, save cats out of trees, and have very good odds of giving birth to a meal ticket NBA star.  Cheer up.

And in my favorite scene from the night, hairstylist Damien Carney tells whoever he is working on to STFU because big hair is what she is getting and sprays half a can of something onto her head.  I want him to be my BFF immediately.

First up with her demeaning words and enormous fun bags is Esther.  Esther does well but she loses points for lack of originality on her bullying and power words.  Weirdo?  Really?  My parents used to call me that when I insisted on wearing my socks inside out.

Rhianna goes next and has a heart to heart with Tyra revealing that a teacher once called her stupid.  Well, as far as list of idiotic and gross things to do as a teacher, calling your students stupid is just a step above seducing and sleeping with them.

Lexie’s turn to pose and methinks that if Elf Ears is the worst you were called in high school, you were probably busy giving BJs to the football players after games.  I highly doubt Lexie is a victim of bullying and actually seems capable of a little bullying herself.  Side note:  Lexie seriously reaps the benefits of professional hair and makeup tenfold.

Chelsey is next.  Chelsey, you were never made fun of in high school.  You’ve been modeling for years.  Now, I kind of like your personality so just own the fact that you’ve been gorgeous since birth and leave me alone.

Kacey is up next.  Gotta run to the kitchen and grab a snack.

In between all these pictures, Tyra has time to sit down with Kayla and find out that Kayla’s bullying word is queer.  I can almost see how physically pained Kayla is to say this word and I’d be able to take the whole thing a lot more seriously if Kayla didn’t say “Like” every other word in between squeaking her second syllables.  In a nutshell, I hope she achieves long term happiness but find her outlook dismal seeing as she is currently starring on the 15th cycle of Tyranian Gladiators.

Kendal’s picture time and I’d just like to say Kendal’s bullying word would be taken as a compliment if ever bestowed upon my decidedly unlanky frame.  Girls, the grass is not always greener.

Jane’s bully word is big face and chooses big square head as her power word.  Jane may be in the midst of an ivy league education but I’m not sure if she understood the concept of this challenge.  Big square head doesn’t really seem that much better than big face and now I am losing a battle of wanting to call her SpongeJane Squarehead for the rest of the recaps.

Terra poses after Jane and is decidedly terrible.  She knows it too and has a complete meltdown.  I blame Deborah.  Nigel would never let this happen on his watch.

Liz is up next and kicks butt.  Liz is definitely beginning to stand out for me, along with Chelsey and Kendal.  I also love those mixed races too, seeing as I am one.  Never claimed to be unbiased.

Sara is tagged as manly and changes it to athletic.  I’m meh on Sara so let’s just get to her picture.  Meh is above the hatred of Sara and her rapping last episode so at least she’s moving in the right direction.

Ann joins Lexie’s club of girls that should value the invention of make up.  Ann cleans up well and I’m hoping that her chompers along with her face and hair get a little lift because if so, she could be a sleeper finalist in this whole competition.

Chris follows Ann and Chris joins Kendal’s club of bullying words that P-Baby considers complimentary.

Maybe if Anamaria would quit making clothing out of her food and actually eat it, she would be so motherfucking skinny.

Kayla finally faces her bullying word of queer and nails her picture.  So between the sleeping bag and the queer bullying, Kayla officially wins the sympathy vote.

The photoshoot comes to a close and as the ladies are standing around waiting to be shooed off to another location, who should appear but…Demi Lovato?

She babbles about her platform being teen bullying and that she used to be called a slut.  Well, lady, next time try not whoring around with a Jonas Brother and maybe that slut calling will be reserved for your other Disney brethren.

Transition to the panel and guess who I’ve finally laid my bedroom eyes upon?

None other than noted fashion photographer and P-Baby sex slaved Nigel Barker!  Swoon.

Tyra has decided to once again spare us from the crazy and busted out another little black number for the elimination festivities.

Tyra introduces the panel of judges.  Here they are in no particular order:

Diane is so happy and enthusiastic to be there and is definitely invited to hang out with me, hairdresser Damien, the Js and sexy Nigel whenever she wants.  In fact, everyone is invited except you know who.

Tyra reviews the prizes but I pretty much just want to see the pictures and call it a night.  Let’s get to it.

Lexie:

Guys, I don’t know what is happening but somehow Lexie goes from being just horrendous in person to gorgeous on film.  It’s like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry had that girlfriend who was really pretty in certain lighting and just terrible when the lighting changed.  I guess only time will tell with this particular brand of hose beast.   Oh, the judges like her picture too.

Kacey:

Kacey is pretty enough but the judges think that rather than a model, she just looks like an athlete that is gorgeous.  I may be in the minority here, but I think I’d rather be that gorgeous athlete.  I’d have lots of money, a bunch of sweet work out clothes, probably some hot athlete boyfriends and best of all, I could actually eat food.

Jane:

Andre is excited by Jane’s face and it appears she has some of the most natural potential. She’s just got to take it to the next level, whatever that means.

Kayla:

Kayla’s picture is gorgeous and she squeaks out another explanation about how hard it was being called queer.  She cries again too which is beginning to become tiresome but she’s had a hard life and has one more episode to pull herself together.

Liz:

The judges all like Liz in person but think her photos could stand for a little improvement.  Overall, good marks for Liz.  She better stay away from Nigel.

Esther:

Esther looks sexy by default because of her ears (haha, just kidding) and the judges let her know as much.  Hey Esther, make my man bat his eyes again at your G’s and your ass is grass.  My A’s will take your G’s any day of the week.

Kendal:

Everyone thinks Kendal is fabulous in person and better than her picture.  Diane says she would book Kendal instantly for a fashion show which is a huge compliment.  That Kendal is definitely going places.

Sara:

Sara’s picture kind of sucks and her hand placement is terrible.  Speaking frankly, Sara is just filler and will probably be gone in the next 3 or 4 episodes.  Goodbye Sara, we hardly knew ye.

Terra

Terra’s picture isn’t terrible considering the meltdown we witnessed.  Tyra gives a few valid pointers that would have improved her photo but see Sara above for Terra’s inevitable fate.

Chris:

Chris’s picture is better than Terra’s but the judges want to see her commit more to her pictures.  Filler ala Sara and Terra.

Chelsey:

Surprise, surprise.  Chelsey’s picture is great.  Next.

Rhianna:

Well, Posey McPoserson from the premiere lost her fire as her photo turned out less than stellar.  Hopefully she’ll get it back as she is intriguing to look at.

Anamaria:

Anamaria’s best shot was chosen because her skeletor body was hidden.  Anamaria doesn’t want to hear what the supermodel, elite designer, Vogue head honcho, and noted fashion photographer have to say.  She thinks she looks great and wants to see her abs in the mirror.  Those aren’t abs, girlfriend.  Those are ribs.  Enough said.  Give this girl a pizza and send her on her way.

Ann:

Solid picture and kind of looks like a 70′s European model, like Andre suggests.  I wish Ann well in her future endeavors, and while I think she could benefit from a few Hostess Cupcakes, I don’t think her weight is forced as say, Anamaria and her “calorie restricted” diet.

So, after intense deliberation and Diane being her wonderfulself, Ann wins best photo followed by Kayla.  I kind of like seeing these underdog girls come out on top.  No, P-Baby!  Don’t get sucked in!

Anyway, the final two standing are Terra and Anamaria with Anamaria given the heave ho because she only weighs two pounds and was easier to throw out the window.  Good riddance, Anamaria.  We’ve got bigger fish to fry anyway.

Next week, Christmas comes early in the form of….MAKEOVERS!!!